Contents
Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Also by Tracy Lorraine
Sneak Peek
Falling for Ryan: Part One
Falling for Ryan: Part One
Copyright © 2019 by Tracy Lorraine
All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.
Edited by Pinpoint Editing
Proofread by Andie M. Long
Photography by James Critchley
Model George RJ
Cover Design and formatting by Dandelion cover designs
Andy and Amelia
Prologue
Six years ago…
Glancing over my shoulder at the house I grew up in, at the home where the people I love live, I know I don’t have a choice. Walking away is the right thing to do.
I knew Nick, my stepdad, finding out about us would only end one way, but I really thought it would be with me in the hospital.
I never imagined this.
That vindictive arsehole knows exactly how to get what he wants. It’s no different to how he wormed his way into my life. He wanted money and status, and my fragile, grieving mum was the perfect target.
Fire burns through my veins and my hands tremble with my need to find the motherfucker who’s intent on ruining my life, but I know it’ll be pointless. He’s probably already got a plan in place for that.
Shoving my hands in my pockets, I force myself to walk away, to do what I need to do to keep the two women I love safe.
I’ve no doubt that the threats he just dished out were true. I’ve watched him ruin people before. He doesn’t care about anyone, whether that’s an employee or his own wife and daughter. He’ll crush anything that gets in his way.
With one last look at the house my dad built with his bare hands, I tell myself that this isn’t over.
I’ll be back one day.
It might not be tomorrow, or even next year, but I will be back, and I will take what’s mine.
Lauren included.
Chapter One
Present…
“You can leave now,” I bark, sitting on the edge of my bed with my head in my hands. I wonder once again why I thought this was a good idea. Sex and alcohol have been the only things that help me forget. Even if it’s just for an hour, or a night, the reprieve from my memories is worth it.
Only now, ever since receiving that phone call, nothing takes away the images of my old life running through my mind like a fucking movie.
“You know, you really are a fucking arsehole,” the redhead says, snatching up her clothes from my bedroom floor and angrily pulling them on.
“I’m aware.”
“I’m sure I could make it better, whatever it is,” she purrs, sounding like a desperate slut. “I could release all that tension.”
“Get. The. Fuck. Out.” Normally I wouldn’t be able to refuse an offer like that. I’ve used woman after woman in my attempt to forget, but none of them have even come close to her. None of them soothe the ache or the hole in my heart that’s only been getting worse as the years have passed. Everyone around me might buy my act, but it’s getting harder and harder to hide the real me.
I left the house that night with nothing but the clothes on my back, my wallet, and my phone. I had no idea where I was going to go or what I was going to do. With the amount of money sitting in my bank account, the world was my oyster. It’s such a shame that the only place I wanted to be was the one place I couldn’t stay.
I walked away, leaving my heart and soul behind, but I knew I didn’t have a choice. The most important thing to me was to protect the two most important people in my life. My happiness was something I could easily trade for theirs.
I walked to the closest train station and got on the first one that arrived at the platform, not giving two fucks as to where it was going. I just knew that I needed to get away. I needed to be as far away as possible by the time she realised I’d gone. I knew that if I was too close then the temptation to reach out to her would be too strong, but I couldn’t risk putting her future in jeopardy like that.
My heart was already in pieces. I couldn’t cope with seeing what my leaving was going to do to her. I truly believed that they’d be better off without me. It wasn’t our time. I just had to hope that one day we’d have more luck.
That hope hung around for maybe a year at best. I found myself a new life and I was only living a lie to believe that we were meant to be. She’d have moved on. She’d be excelling at uni and making strides towards taking over the business that should have been mine. The thought of her moving on with someone else still makes my heart ache. It’s been six years. She could be married with a couple of kids by now, but I can’t shift the idea that it should be me. I should be the one she makes a future with.
I don’t regret anything.
If I had my time again, I’m pretty sure I’d have done everything the same. I fell hard and fast for Lauren, and I wouldn’t trade that experience for anything in the world.
“Fucking hell.” Pulling on a clean pair of boxers, I go in search of something to help squash the memories. Kristy…Kirsty…Kristal…whatever the hell her name is sure isn’t helping, so I go for the next best thing.
Whiskey.
I unscrew the top and launch it across the room. What I really want to do is get my hands on something breakable, like someone’s face, so the lid ricocheting off the wall and sideboard doesn’t really have the same result.
Falling down on to the sofa, I bring the bottle to my lips and swallow down a couple of shots. I hardly feel the burn. I’m too numb.
I didn’t have any expectations for what my life might be, but I’ve managed to create something close to a home here in this sleepy Devonshire town.
The train I got on that day took me to Exeter. I’d never been there before, but the idea of spending time by the sea held some kind of appeal to me.
I found a shitty bedsit and drowned myself in alcohol as I tried to figure out how I could have fucked everything up quite so royally.
All I did was fall in love.
The next thing I know, there’s crashing coming from the kitchen. Dragging my eyelids open, I wince as pain shoots through my head. I try to prop myself up on my elbow, but my head bangs and my stomach churns. Glancing down, I see the empty bottle of whiskey on the floor and groan.
“Morning, pisshead,” Liv sings, a little too loudly, and I wince. She marches into the room with a bright smile and two mugs in her hands. “Here. I made it extra strong.”
“Thank you,” I mutter, sitting up and taking the steaming mug from her.
Her eyes are full of sympathy. Everything I’ve been trying to bury hits me once again. My chest aches and I fight to keep my breathing steady.
I told her yesterday about the phone call. She’s the first person I’ve confided in about my previous life. In six years, I’ve managed to keep everything buried so deep that even my best friends have no idea. Both Dec and Liam have asked in their own ways about my past and my family, but I never once opened up.
We’ve lived practically as brothers the past few years, and I know it’s hurt them that I’ve kept so much of myself private. I never intended not to talk about what happened, but every time I even think about saying her name, all those old feelings, the devastation I felt as I walked away, hit me like a fucking hammer and I force it all back inside the box I’ve shoved it in so that I can attempt to live my life.
“When’s the funeral?” Liv asks, dragging me from my living nightmare.
“Next week sometime. My uncle said he’d call back with more details once he has them.”
She nods at me, an empathetic expression on her face. “You’re going back before that though, right?”
Isn’t that the million-dollar question!
Uncle Chris is the only person from my past life I’ve spoken to since the day I left. He’s not really my uncle, just my dad’s best friend, but he’s treated me like a son from as early as I can remember.
When I left, I knew I needed some way of at least making sure both Mum and Lauren were safe. I needed to know that, with me gone, he’d keep his promise and they’d be able to live the lives they deserved, so I got in contact with him. Since Mum remarried, he’d kept his distance, but I knew they still spoke on occasion. He was the only one I trusted. We chatted quite often to begin with, but as time’s gone on, we’ve drifted apart more and more. The moment I saw his name come up on my phone yesterday, a ball of dread sat heavy in my stomach. I knew he wasn’t just ringing for a catch-up.
“Nick died last night.” Those words have been on repeat in my head since the moment they fell from his lips.
My first feeling was one of pure happiness. That motherfucker was no longer breathing the same air as me. The world would be a much better place without a manipulative control freak like him. For the first time in as long as I can remember, my shoulders lifted, and I felt a little lighter.
That was until my next thought hit me like a truck.
Mum and Lauren.
My stepdad did a much better job than I gave him credit for of hiding the man he really was, because all these years later, Mum’s still married to the wanker and Lauren continues to be in his life. If she had any suspicion that he had something to do with me leaving, I’ve no doubt she wouldn’t have stuck around either.
But they’re both still there, playing happy families.
I’m probably the only one who knows just how fucked up that reality is for all of them.
“BJ?”
“Shit, sorry. Uh…I’ve no idea if I’m going.”
I can see the questions that are right on the tip of Liv’s tongue, and I silently beg her not to ask them.
Up until earlier this year, my life in this seaside town consisted of my two best friends, one-night stands, and surfing. Then, Dec got himself whipped by his childhood enemy, quickly followed by Liam when he found the woman he’d always been searching for in the cute blonde staring at me with concern filling every one of her features. Of course, I was interested the first time we met her, but it soon became obvious that she only had eyes for one of us. She’s too good to be kicked to the curb the moment I’d finish with her, anyway. She deserves her forever with Liam. Since she moved in, we’ve become close; she can see something in me, I think, something that everyone else either misses, ignores, or isn’t brave enough to ask about. She’s slowly breaking down the walls I’ve built up, and I’m terrified of what she’s going to find if she manages to bring them all down.
Liv reminds me of the girl who captured my heart. They’ve got the same nature and a similar sharp wit. I’ve no doubt that they’d get on like a house on fire if they were to ever meet.
Sadness washes through me. Lauren would love it down here.
“What about your mum?” she asks, pulling me from my thoughts once again. Putting my mug on the coffee table, I drop my head into my hands. “Siblings?” The mention of siblings has me looking up. “What?”
I try to keep my expression neutral, but I can only imagine my heartache is clear in my eyes. “It’s…” I can’t say any more. It feels like the walls are closing in on me at just considering talking about her.
“It’s okay. I was thinking about going for a walk along the beach. You fancy joining me? You can talk if you want…or not. I’m here for whatever you need, Ben.” I hate the pain that hits my chest when she calls me that. I couldn’t have been more relieved when I met Dec at Exeter uni and he nicknamed me BJ; every time I heard my real name, all I could picture was it falling from Lauren’s lips.
“Let me shower, and I’ll join you.” Grateful to have something else to think about, I jump up from the sofa and attempt to wash away the stench of last night’s alcohol.
The hot water does little to ease the tension pulling at every one of my muscles. There’s a war raging inside me, and I’ve no idea which side’s going to win.
Do I go back, try to reclaim my place and go to the funeral? Or has too much time passed? Will I only cause more pain by going back? Deep down, I know what I want to do, what I need to do, but it’s not just myself that I need to think about.
“I love it here,” Liv says on a sigh when we stop by some rocks. Sitting herself down on one, she looks out to sea.
She might have sunglasses on, but I know the second her eyes flick to me. I try to ignore her attention, afraid she’s going to try asking more questions.
“You said something to me once, and it stuck with me when I was going through all that shit with David and Griff.”
“I did?” I ask with a laugh. I usually steer well clear of dishing out any kind of advice. I’ve already fucked up my own life; I don’t need anyone else’s on my conscience.
“‘Don’t fuck it up. Life’s a long time to live with regrets’. And you’re right. I’m not going to pester you about what you’re going through. I know you’ll talk when you’re ready. Just think about those words. What will you regret more: going back or staying?”
“Fucking hell, Liv.”
“You’re welcome,” is all she says before turning back towards the horizon, a small smile of victory playing on her lips.
Chapter Two
“Ben, it’s Chris. The funeral’s going to be Thursday at one pm at the crematorium, and the wake is at The Crown. I understand your reluctance to come, but like I said before, I think your mum and Lauren could you use your support right now.”
“Motherfucker,” I shout, throwing my phone down on my bed and watching it bounce and crash to the floor. I was in the fucking shower when he rang, and now I’ve got the time and day of that cunt’s funeral on my fucking voicemail, taunting me.
I spent the last few days fighting with my need to get in my car and drive to London to be with them. I’ve picked up my keys to go more than once, but something stops me every time.
They hate me. I know they do. He would have made sure of it. He told me he’d kill me for touching his daughter, and although I may still be breathing, I’m as good as dead to the two women I’d give my life to protect.
My sour mood has had everyone keeping their distance from me—I assume at Liv’s request. I can see in their eyes that they’re worried about me, but they all know that sitting me down and demanding answers is going to get them nowhere.
Since moving here, I’ve made looking happy a full-time job. I’ve learnt all the tricks I need to convince everyone around me that my life’s one big party. It’s so far from the truth that it’s not even funny. For whatever reason, Liv sees straight through it and she’s starting to point things out to the others. I hate the sympathy in their eyes. Fucking hate it. It’s one of the many reasons I’ve kept my past a secret.
Dec and Liam used to look at me with admiration. I showed the world that I had the perfect life: I had the looks, the brains, the women and enough money to not have to worry about where my next pay check was coming from. I’ve no idea how I got away without them questioning me for so long, but my time hiding from the truth is running out.
“Jesus, BJ, who died?” D
ec asks the second he finds me sitting on the sofa later that evening.
Looking up at his concerned face, I can’t help feeling grateful for Liv’s discretion. She could quite easily have shared my bad news with everyone, but it seems she’s kept my secrets from Dec at least. I’m sure Liam is another story.
“My stepdad,” I mutter, pulling my eyes away from him in an attempt to hide the pain I’m sure is filling them.
“Fuck. Shit. I’m sorry, I didn’t know. Liam texted to say we were taking you out tonight; I didn’t realise—”
“It’s fine, Dec. You weren’t to know.”
Falling down beside me, he’s lost in thought and a ball of dread grows in my stomach. Here come the questions. “You know, in all the years we’ve known each other, you’ve never once mentioned your family. I didn’t even know you had a stepdad.”
“I know.” I hate the guilt that fills me for keeping my best friends at such a distance all these years.
“I just kind of assumed you didn’t have any, or that they’re not worth knowing.”
The silence hangs out between us, but when Dec turns his gaze on me, I find the words just tumbling from my mouth.
“It’s a bit of both. My dad died when I was a kid, but my mum married some arsehole who was intent on ruining my life.” His eyes widen in surprise, but Liam’s footsteps pounding down the stairs prevent him from asking any more questions.
Liam’s eyes hold a sympathy that isn’t usually there when he looks at me, and I can only assume that Liv has filled him in, hence the impromptu night out. “Are we ready? BJ hasn’t had a shag in days. I’m worried it might fall off.”
Losing the Forbidden: Forbidden Series #2 Page 1
