I just didn’t get the chance.
As glad as I might be that he’s gone, a little disappointment that I didn’t get to expose his true colours makes my steps falter. I stumble on the threshold of the office and I immediately feel eyes on me.
When I look up, I find every member of staff staring in my direction with their chins dropped and their eyes so wide that some look on the verge of popping out…none more so than Erica.
Chapter Four
Erica’s eyes bore into mine and her features stiffen with anger. Her hurt at my sudden departure all those years ago is clear in her eyes. All my fears about what everyone must think of me come rushing to the forefront. It’s not until someone moves at the back of the office that I manage to rip my gaze away from her, but the moment I look over, I find the one person I wasn’t expecting. Staring back at me with furious, red-rimmed eyes is Lauren.
My breath catches and my heart twists painfully in my chest as I take in her exhausted face. Every part of me aches to move, to get close to her, to touch her, but even from here I can tell it’s the last thing she wants.
“Lauren,” I breathe, but there’s no way she hears my whisper with the distance between us.
I stand, frozen to the spot, as she drags her bag across the desk. All the paperwork flutters to the floor followed by a loud bang as something more significant falls victim to her hasty escape.
“Lauren,” I repeat, managing to find my voice this time.
“Don’t.” A tiny pair of hands slamming down on my chest makes me look down to the person in front of me. “Don’t. You. Fucking. Dare,” Erica seethes. She might only be small, but my chest stings by the time she’s finished. “You’ve already done enough damage. You don’t get to show up unannounced and throw her world into even more turmoil. She deserves more than that—more than you.” Erica’s lip curls in disgust. It’s my first taste of the kind of mess I left behind when I was forced to leave.
Every set of eyes in the office is still on us. As I glance at each of them, there are a couple I recognise but many that I don’t. I almost laugh when I see Betty standing with a mug of tea halfway to her lips. Of course she’s still here.
I just about manage a little smile in Betty’s direction before Erica’s fingers wrap around my wrist and I’m pulled towards the office. For such a small person, she’s got some serious strength. The door slams behind us and she turns her wrath back towards me.
“Erica,” I sigh. “I just came for some paperwork. I don’t need—”
“I don’t give a fuck what you need, Ben. What the fuck are you doing here? You’ve had what…six years to show your fucking face. Were you so scared of him that you had to wait until he was dead to come back?”
“Scared?” I can’t help but laugh. “You think I was scared of that motherfucker? Jesus, what bullshit did he spew to you lot?”
“The truth, by the looks of it.” Her hand lands on her hips and her eyebrows rise almost to her hairline as she waits for my response.
“I haven’t got time for this. I don’t owe you anything. There are only two women who need to know the truth, and one of them just stormed out.”
“Oh, well that’s fucking lovely. I was here, picking up the pieces of the mess you left behind you, and you think you don’t owe me anything. You’re almost as bad as he was.” She nods towards Nick’s desk and I see red. How fucking dare she compare me to him.
“Fuck you, Erica. You’ve no idea what happened that day. No idea of the threats he made, of the reason I did what I did.”
“Try me. We were friends—best friends, if you don’t remember. Hit me with it.”
“Not now. I just need—”
“Paperwork. You said.” Spinning on the spot to collect her thoughts, she pins me with another harsh look. “This is bullshit, Ben. You think you’re the only one with issues? You think you’re the only one with secrets no one else will understand? Well, you’re wrong. We might not know the whole truth about why you suddenly vanished in the middle of the night, but things haven’t been all sweetness and fucking light while you’ve been away. We haven’t all been sat around our fucking campfires singing Kumbay-fucking-a. And for your information, your mum and Lauren weren’t the only ones who n-needed y-you.” Her voice cracks and her lip trembles.
Guilt stronger than I’ve ever known engulfs me as I watch her body start to shake with emotion. Closing the distance between us, I realise for the first time that me leaving didn’t just affect two women, but potentially everyone around me. I don’t think I appreciated what I really had here.
I wrap my arms around her shoulders. She tries to fight to start with, but she soon gives up and allows me to comfort her.
Breathing in her familiar scent, I remember what a good friend she was to me. I’d cast her aside like she meant nothing.
“I’m so sorry. Things back then were…complicated. I did the only thing I could at the time. Nick wasn’t…” I trail off, not really wanting to get into this now. “Let me just say that what happened in reality probably wasn’t quite how he made it out to be. I didn’t leave willingly; I can promise you that.”
She nods like she understands and pulls back so she can look at me. “Trust me, I know how he operated better than most. I don’t think you’ll shock me with anything you tell me, but you should have fought for her. You should have done whatever it took, not just run at the first sign of trouble.”
My heart twists and my stomach turns over as I watch her walk out of the office. Resting back on the edge of the desk behind me, I take a few steadying breaths.
I’ve told myself that same thing time and time again, but nothing will change what happened. At the time, leaving seemed like the best thing for Lauren. I wasn’t going to do anything that might make her life worse, and I had no intention of being the one to ruin her relationship with her dad. She wasn’t stupid; she knew he wasn’t going to win Dad of the Year or anything, but if she knew the truth… I lost my dad way too early, and I’ll be fucked if I’m the reason someone else loses theirs. Even if he was a monster.
Despite his arsehole ways, Nick loved Lauren the best way he knew how. If he wasn’t such a wanker, I might have been jealous.
But maybe I was wrong. Maybe I should have stood my ground and fought for her. If I’m honest with myself, I knew some of the crap Nick spewed was true. I wasn’t good enough for her. I was the bad boy and she was the princess. It never would have ended well. I was her dirty secret. She may have told me that she didn’t want to keep what was between us hidden, but it was easy to say that when the outside world didn’t know what was going on.
The murmuring of voices from outside the office eventually filters through and I’m reminded of why I’m here. Pushing myself from the desk, I set about rummaging through the filing cabinets until I find what I need.
Just like the moment I first walked in, when I open the door and look out over the office beyond, everyone stops what they’re doing and looks up at me. A number of eyes narrow in anger; others just look confused. It’s good to know my memory wasn’t banished quite as quickly as I was.
Erica appears from the kitchen just as I take a step towards the exit. I’ve no interest in hanging around here and answering all their bullshit questions. There are only two people who deserve answers, and they’re my next stop.
“Ben, wait,” she calls, but I don’t stop moving.
She runs to catch up with me, but I’m already in the hallway by then.
“Look,” she says, placing her hand on my arm and attempting to spin me her way. “I’m sorry, okay?” Those words have me looking back at her. “You’ve no idea what it was like here after you left, and you turning up like that was just a bit of a shock.”
“None of that was by choice, Erica. I had no intention of leaving.”
“I…I know. Well, I don’t know, but I can only imagine how things went down.”
The depth of understanding I see reflected back at me both surprises and scares me in equ
al measures. But then, I guess she’s worked closely with Nick for years. She must have some clue as to what a manipulative bastard he was.
I open my mouth to say something, but I don’t get a chance.
“You don’t have to explain right now. You’ve got more important things to deal with. Lauren’s waited long enough to find out the truth, don’t you think?”
Nodding, I give her a sad smile and walk away.
“We’ll catch up soon, yeah? If you need anything, you know where I am.” I give her a quick nod, but I’m too intent on getting out of there to respond.
Dumping the folder full of paperwork on my passenger seat, I rest my head back against the headrest. I don’t really know how I was expecting that to go, but it certainly wasn’t what happened. The image of Lauren’s sad eyes and exhausted face fills my mind once again, and my fists clench. Even after death, that motherfucker manages to hurt her.
Erica’s right. It’s time she learnt the truth. Turning on the ignition, I start a journey that I’ve made a million times before, except so much is different now. The corner shop I used to buy lunch from is now a hairdresser's, there’s a new supermarket, and as I get closer to home, I find that they’ve managed to somehow shoehorn in a load more houses.
I park in a space a little down the street when I see the main gates to the house are closed.
As a kid, this place was my haven. I loved being here as much as Mum and Dad did and knowing my dad and grandad both designed and built it meant it was even more special. No other kids at school had homes like that. I always hoped it would be mine one day to bring my own family up in, but as I walk up to the front door, none of those old feelings are there. Everything I loved about this place has been tainted by him.
After ringing the bell a few times and getting no response, I make my way around the rear of the house. I can’t believe my luck when I get to the French doors. This house must be worth well over two million by now, yet no one’s bothered to fix the dodgy back door. Exactly like when I was a teenager, if I twist the handle just right, the door slides open. It allowed me to sneak in and out hours past curfew many times over the years.
Mum and Dad were never really that strict. They didn’t have to be; I was a good kid. But after Dad died and Mum moved Nick in, things changed. I was a teenager hell bent on ruining my life, and he was a dickhead who couldn’t deal with an unruly teenage boy. I had to be in by ten at the latest every night, or he would lock the house down. Mum caught me sneaking in loads of times. She was well aware of the broken door, but it was never fixed.
Sadness runs through me. That could be the exact reason it’s still not been fixed. She’s holding out hope that one day I might just sneak back in. It was like she was giving me permission to do what I needed to do. She was drowning in grief after my father’s death, but she couldn’t have been blind enough not to see how Nick came in and basically took over our lives.
The second I step inside, the familiar scent of home fills my nose. Nostalgia hits me so strong that I stumble back against the door. Images of happy times with my parents, my grandparents, and Lauren play out like a movie in my mind. Innocent memories like childhood birthdays, family meals and Christmases; along with ones that have my temperature soaring like taking Lauren on the island after our failed attempt at cake making.
Walking over to the table, I fall down onto a chair and drop my head into my hands. In one sense, that weekend with her still feels like it was yesterday; but being back here now it feels like a lifetime ago. I can still vividly remember how she tasted mixed with icing sugar and cocoa powder.
My cock twitches as I relive that morning with her. Six years on and just the memory of her alone still affects me like she did back then.
Although there were three cars parked in the driveway, the house is in silence. After it being a loving family home filled with laughter for years, the silence and coldness became normal pretty quickly once Nick moved in. I guess nothing’s changed. The place still looks like a show home.
After getting myself a glass of water, I sit back down at the table and pull my phone from my pocket. I find a message from Liv and a smile twitches the corners of my lips.
Good luck. Call if you need anything x
I just start to type a reply when the slam of the front door echoes around the empty house.
A lump jumps into my throat and, as footsteps get closer, my stomach threatens to bring up the water I just drank.
Sucking in a breath, I wait for someone to walk around the corner and into the kitchen to find me.
“Oh my god!” Mum squeals, at first in fright, but the second she registers it’s me, her face softens and her knees buckle.
I’m out of my seat and about to reach for her when someone else steps into the room and beats me to it.
A pair of very cold and angry eyes find mine. My mouth goes dry.
Lauren supports Mum until she’s found her strength again. Rushing forward, her petite body slams into mine and she wraps her arms around my waist so tight it’s hard to breathe.
“Oh my god, my baby,” she sobs into my chest.
Tentatively, I lift my hands and rub them up and down her back as she cries. The whole time, my eyes hold Lauren’s. Everything I feared is looking back at me. She hates me. Any hope I might have had that she’d be glad to see me is gone. I’ve never seen her look so furious, and I’ve no doubt she’s not going to hold back once she gets the chance.
“Lauren,” I breathe, desperate to connect with her somehow.
Narrowing her eyes at me once more, she drops them to Mum, who’s still attached to me, and then turns and leaves.
The breath I didn’t realise I was holding comes rushing out of me. My eyes sting and I struggle to catch my breath again as regret, guilt, hope and love assault me all at once.
I’m frozen to the spot, staring at where she was. It’s only movement against my chest that drags me from my living nightmare.
Mum looks up at me through teary, devastated eyes, and a giant lump forms in my throat. Seeing the evidence of what my leaving did to her breaks my heart. I did what I did for them, but looking at her now, I fear I may have made the wrong decision.
Chapter Five
“I’m sorry about your t-shirt,” Mum says sadly when she pulls away from me and finds the fabric soaked through.
“It’s nothing,” I mumble, not really knowing what to say. It might have been obvious that she was happy to see me to begin with, but now I can’t read her.
Placing her palms on my rough cheeks, she stares deep into my eyes before focusing on every single one of my features.
“There were days I convinced myself that you must have been dead.” Hearing her admission makes my insides ache with regret. “I didn’t understand any other reason why you’d just disappear like that. This was your home, Ben. You had people who loved you under this roof and you just upped and left in the middle of the night.”
“It was complicated, Mum.” My voice is deep and rough as I try to contain the emotions running rampant around my body.
She stares at me for a few more minutes before schooling her features and stepping away.
“I don’t see how,” she snaps. Her eyes darken and suddenly I’m a six-year-old boy who’s been caught doing something he shouldn’t be. “That girl was head over heels for you, and you disregarded her like she was a piece of shit on your shoe.” Her anger seems to come from nowhere, the grieving widow from moments ago long gone.
“You think I did that by choice?” I bellow back. “You really believe this is all my fault? I’m your son. I thought you knew me better than that.”
Her face drops. I hate to cause her more pain, but the little faith that she has in me hurts more.
“Did he really have you that convinced by his act that you truly think that of me?”
She sucks in a breath, tears filling her eyes. “Have some respect.”
“Respect?” I ask with a laugh. “He doesn’t deserve it. The man wa
s a scumbag, Mum, and it’s about time you acknowledged the truth.”
The moment she slides down the wall she’s backed up against and breaks down in sobs, I know I’ve gone too far. She’s right. He’s just died; I need to be a little more sensitive for her sake. She’s already dealing with enough. I didn’t come here with the intention of making things harder.
Getting down on my haunches in front of her, I pull her hands away from her face and look at her. I’m reminded of the fact that no matter how much of a monster I knew my stepdad to be, he managed to control everyone else around him to the point that they’d never question him. It never worked on me. It’s one of the reasons we were never going to see eye to eye.
“I’m going to have a lie down,” Mum whispers, casting her eyes over my shoulder.
Helping her stand, she leans on me enough to show she’s not going to make it up the stairs alone. With my arm around her waist, I silently lead her towards the stairs and up to her room.
Her breath catches as we come to a stop beside the bed and her eyes land on two photographs. One of them I haven't seen for a very, very long time.
Sitting on her bedside table is not only a photograph from her and Nick’s wedding day, but also one from the day she married my dad.
Dropping down onto the edge of the mattress, she stares at both of them, tears silently dropping from her eyes.
“I don’t know what I did wrong. I lost the only three men I’ve ever loved.” It’s so quiet, I almost miss it, but knowing I’m one of those three is like a knife to the heart.
“You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m not going anywhere, okay?”
She nods, but I don’t think she believes a word of it. And why would she?
I leave the room with a heavy heart. She doesn’t deserve any of this. It was bad enough she lost her first husband, the love of her life; she shouldn’t have to lose another.
Closing the door quietly, I go to head back downstairs, but at the last minute, I continue forward towards my side of the house, as it was always known, with two en suite bedrooms. Coming to a stop at my closed bedroom door, I wonder what the inside’s going to be like. Did they bin all my stuff? Did they throw me away like I never existed?
Losing the Forbidden: Forbidden Series #2 Page 3
