Chapter 11
"Dad, how do soldiers killing each other solve the world's problems?"
― Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes
John entered his office by the back door, after Mary, followed by Richard and Bryan.
"I’ll taketh those folk to some rooms," Mary said, and the troop marched out the front door.
John sat at his desk. It was the first time he had actually had a moment to take it in. It was furnished like a sparse office. No filing cabinets or credenzas. No book shelves. No pictures on the wall. Plain. He leaned back and noticed drawers on the desk.
He began to check the drawers and found them mostly empty. One held a guest register, which he assumed must be the town residents. He flipped through the pages, but it was empty. In another drawer he found a golden book entitled: Keys to a Peaceful Soul. It had a lock, but no key. "Figures."
After exploring the cabinets and shelves, John rose and looked out the window. His stomach growled. It seemed like he hadn’t eaten in days. He looked down the street and saw a building with a restaurant sign.
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To John’s surprise, everyone was already in the restaurant, except the two demons and the angels. Inside, the restaurant looked like a typical modest establishment, with all of the necessities except a staff. He waved to the others, and stepped behind the counter to look around. There were actually pies in the display case. They looked delicious. He stepped back out to a table and sat.
Cat was about to sit down, passed Richard, and he pinched her butt. Cat slapped his hand away.
"That’s not politically correct," John said to Richard.
Ignoring John, or perhaps taunting him, Richard did it again. Cat captured his hand, held it in front of him, smiled charmingly, and then popped him in the nose with his own hand. Richard yelped.
Mary pulled out a chair to sit down. Before she could, Bryan ordered, "You, Mary! Bring me some food."
"May the worms feast in thy codpiece!" Was the only response Bryan got.
Tempers began to rise as they each stared the other down. Mary scooted her chair up next to William for protection.
William slapped a knife down on the table in front of her. She ignored it. Cat took out her own knife and laid it on the table. She smiled at Richard. He smiled back. Quick as a wink, she grabbed the knife from the table and slashed first Richard in the neck, then Bryan. They both fell to the floor with gashes across their necks.
"Gobshite!" Cat seethed. "I’ll ne’er be any man’s sport, nor his servin' wench."
Jerry stood in the doorway, watching, really getting into the action. From his movements, he looked like he was miming the fight, or choreographing it.
As the two men angrily rose, John tried to lighten the mood. "Whatever happened to poetry?" Cat threatened him with the knife. He raised his hands in surrender.
Bryan went after Cat with a vengeance, bowling into her and knocking her several feet. He landed on top of her. Not to be outdone, Richard went to Cat and kicked her in the face.
"Fight! Fight!" Jerry shouted gleefully, and began to applaud and cheer, drawing Persiphus and two angels from outside.
John could take no more of Cat being attacked. Neither could William and Mary. The three went to the rescue, and soon joined the fray, pulling each other’s ears, giving kicks to the crotch, poking eyes, stabbing, scratching, twisting heads around backward, and on and on.
No matter what they did, even when William swung his sword and removed Richard’s head, it only caused pain and did no lasting damage. Richard simply picked up his head and put it back on, where it stuck. At Jerry’s beckoning, an entire crowd of angels entered the restaurant and watched, shaking their heads. Orpheus arrived and put one hand on Jerry’s head, causing him to freeze, and then Orpheus watched the melee.
Vagabones arrived in a dust cloud. "Woooohoooo! Pillow fight! Very good."
They stopped fighting, except for Bryan, who swung at anything he could connect with, or alternately, the air.
Vagabones touched Bryan on the ear. He immediately turned into a mouse. Vagabones picked him up and put him in his pocket.
Mary watched with interest. "I want to know how to do that."
Vagabones put an arm around her and smiled.
"Do you feel better now that you got that anger out?" Vagabones asked.
They all somberly nodded yes.
"This isn’t a school yard or a prison, you can’t actually damage each other here. You’re like cartoon characters." Vagabones took Bryan mouse out of his pocket, dropped him on the floor, and Bryan turned back into a man.
Bryan screamed in agony."God that hurt! Please don’t do that again!"
Vagabones smiled briefly, then disappeared.
Bryan shook himself, massaged his head, gingerly pulled his pants away from his testicles, then said, "Maybe we should just not fight."
William, leaning on his cutlass, asked, "Where’s the fun in that?"
"Yeah, that’s stupid!" Jerry added. He ripped William’s eyes out and held them dangling by the nerves. William stabbed Jerry through the chest. Jerry’s heart stuck to the end of the sword sticking out of his back, still beating. They both laughed as they picked up their respective organs and put them back where they belonged.
Mary and Cat stared out the window during the play fight. John was aghast. As a former lawyer, he was used to hearing about fights, and seeing pictures, but never was witness to them. So far, nothing in Hell had prepared him for the gore.
"Let’s consume," Cat suggested loudly.
"Damn, that hurt," William muttered as he headed for the cabinets to look for food. When he opened a refrigerator door and saw food and felt the cold, he said, "Dorothy, we doth not be in Kansas anymore."
John chuckled at the language construction.
"What?!" William shouted in surprise. He pulled out a wrapped package and immediately dropped it on the floor as if burned. The package made a loud clatter on the floor. "Why, I’ve never encountered such a thin'. It’s frozen in thar like t' middle o' winter."
Liars Truth Page 11
