by L. A. Casey
I couldn’t face him. Not ever.
“Neala, just . . . tell me what happened.”
I scrunched my face up in disgust, making my mother chuckle.
“I don’t want the dirty details; just tell me what happened before the nastiness occurred.”
Nastiness?
I shook my head clear and walked over to my dresser.
“Nothing much happened, Ma,” I said as I got underwear and pyjamas from my drawers.
“Put the pyjamas back; you’re wearing a onesie to dinner just like me.”
She placed the onesie on the end of my bed, and to avoid it I looked up to the ceiling and closed my eyes.
Please help me, Jesus.
“I’m not going to dinner,” I repeated.
“Yeah, you are, and don’t give me the ‘nothing happened’ speech. You and Darcy hated one another. So something happened for sex to happen.”
I knew I’d made a mistake in talking to her the moment she said the word sex. She knew Darcy; he was like a son to her.
“I don’t know, Ma . . . We just got to talking without arguing for once and we went down memory lane and hashed a lot of bullshit out. We apologised, and even called a truce. There was even talk of something possibly happening between us, because we admitted to fancying one another.”
My mother nodded and said, “That sounds pretty great to me, but you’re very upset, so what’s the kicker?”
She never missed a thing.
“I overheard him tell Sean and Justin this morning that the wine we drank caused us to make the mistake of sleeping together.” I looked down to my bare feet and frowned. “The thing is, the wine didn’t even affect me; my part in it was down to my sober mind . . . I didn’t think it was a mistake, and I feel sick that Darcy regrets it . . . regrets me.” I turned around and looked back up to the ceiling and willed away the tears that were building up in my eyes. “This is bollocks,” I snapped. “I hated him a few days ago . . . I don’t know how I’ve landed meself in this position. It sucks.”
My mother cleared her throat from behind me. “This will sound cheesy, but there really is a thin line between love and hate.”
I growled, “I do not love Darcy, Mother.”
I knew I didn’t love him. If I did, I would surely feel like I was dying without him.
My mother grinned. “Fine: a thin line between like and hate, then.”
Oh, she was so funny.
“Ha. Ha. Ha,” I deadpanned.
My mother gave me a sad smile. “Relationships, even brand-new ones, are not easy, sweetheart. You have to constantly work at them, but if they weren’t worth the risk of a broken heart, you would never have taken the chance in the first place.”
My mother’s words hurt my already broken heart.
“What are you saying?” I asked tearfully.
My mother stood and walked over to me.
She kissed my forehead and said, “I’m saying, don’t give up on Darcy so easily. You don’t want to – otherwise you wouldn’t be crying over him so much. Merry Christmas, sweetheart.”
I closed my eyes as she left my room and I was alone once more. I sank to the floor and tried to organise my thoughts, but I couldn’t.
My mind was a mess.
Don’t give up on Darcy.
My mother’s voice echoed my thoughts.
I cried softly.
My mother was wrong, because I hadn’t given up on Darcy; he had given up on me.
CHAPTER TWENTY
I opened my eyes when a knock sounded on my bedroom door.
I wanted to scream out and tell whoever it was to go away, but it was Christmas, and no matter how shitty I was feeling or how down I was, I wouldn’t take it out on my family.
“Yes?” I called out.
A throat cleared. “It’s me.”
Everything stopped.
My breathing.
My heartbeat.
Time.
“Go away,” I managed to get out after a long period of silence.
I watched as the knob on my bedroom door turned, and the door slowly opened until all six feet three inches of Darcy stepped into my room wearing black jeans, black boots, messy hair in a sexy styled way . . . and a red Santa jumper?
My mother, I thought.
She always made us wear something ‘Christmassy’ to dinner on Christmas; it was a tradition we’d had going for years. My onesie was the item she’d chosen for me this year. I remembered her mentioning it to me a few weeks ago. I always tried to get out of wearing the silly outfits, but my mother kept the clothes for me to wear at her house and when I showed up, she made me change or I got no dinner.
I had put it on a few minutes after she left me alone. I looked down at myself and sighed. I was a snow woman; the hood of my hoodie also doubled as a snowman facemask if you pulled it down far enough. It was comfortable, though, so I couldn’t really complain.
I forgot about my stupid onesie, though, when Darcy closed my bedroom door and turned to face me.
“Hey, my Neala Girl.”
I closed my eyes and shook my head as I lay back on my bed. My heart thudded against my chest, and my stomach churned.
“Don’t call me that, Darcy,” I whispered.
I heard him take a few steps over to me.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
My anger and hurt unleashed itself.
“Don’t,” I snapped, and jumped to my feet. “Don’t come in here because you feel bad, or because my brother made you. I don’t want to hear your lies, so get the fuck out and leave me alone! I told you I never wanted to see or speak to you ever again. What part of that didn’t you understand?”
My skin was burning with rage, and my hands hurt from squeezing them together so tightly when Darcy stood his ground and didn’t even flinch at my shouting.
“I’m here of my own accord, not because I was forced to come,” he stated. “I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t mean any of what I said.”
Bull. Shit.
“Yes, you did! You wouldn’t have said it if you didn’t mean it. I wasn’t in the room; I didn’t argue with you or make you say anything out of anger. A question was put to you and you answered it . . . honestly.”
Darcy lifted his hands to his face and then slid them down behind his neck. “I didn’t answer it honestly. I swear on me life it wasn’t the truth.”
I shook my head and listened to what my mind was telling me.
He was lying.
“There you go,” Darcy snapped at me.
I furrowed my eyebrows together. “What?” I asked.
“You already have your bloody mind made up. You always fucking do this – you don’t give me a chance to prove meself to you. You blame everything on me and don’t believe a thing I say!” he shouted.
Was that a fucking joke?
“When have you ever tried to prove yourself to me?” I screamed.
Darcy dropped his arms from his neck and turned. I kept my eyes narrowed when he turned back to face me.
“I thought I proved meself to you last night,” he said, his voice low.
I stared at him blankly, unblinking. “I bared meself to you last night. I put meself and me feelings on the line. I thought you did too; then you showed your true colours this morning.”
Darcy blew out a big breath and looked up to the ceiling. “What do I have to do to make you believe I was lying to Sean and Justin?”
I swallowed. “You can’t do anything.” I turned around and climbed onto my bed. “Just . . . just go away. Please.”
I hated how much I wanted to kiss him or touch him in some way, but I forced myself to turn and face my bedroom wall as I lay on my bed. I knew Darcy didn’t leave, because I could hear his fast-paced breathing.
My bed dipped moments later and arms came around me as Darcy lay beside me and pulled me into him. My heart jumped and it took every fibre of my being not to turn and wrap myself around him. I was grateful for his comforting touch, though. I didn’t
realise how much I needed it until he snuggled up against me.
“I don’t regret you, we weren’t a mistake, and I do want you,” he said, squeezing me with each pause in his sentence.
I pinched my eyes shut as my tears flowed freely. Darcy turned me to face him, and I opened my eyes and looked up at his handsome face. I cried harder as I rested my forehead against his.
“I d-don’t b-believe you,” I whispered.
I couldn’t. He was only saying this because of how upset I was; that was the only reason.
“I know you don’t, but I’ve got all the time in the world to prove to you that I am telling the truth,” he said, then leaned down and pressed his lips against mine.
My tears fell and mixed in with our kiss.
I cried as I gripped onto his jumper, pulling him into me. Darcy cupped my cheek and tenderly kissed me whilst using his thumb to wipe away my fallen tears. The kiss lasted only a few seconds before we broke apart.
Darcy kissed my forehead and said, “I’m going to prove meself to you. I promise.”
I looked down. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”
He placed two fingers under my chin and lifted my head up until I was once again looking at him.
“I don’t,” he said, before he kissed the tip of my nose and climbed off of my bed and walked out of my bedroom, closing the door behind himself.
I lay there, stunned. What was that?
Why hadn’t I screamed or thrown stuff at him when he kissed me? Why wasn’t I angry at him?
I frowned when I realised the answer.
It was because I was sad. The sadness I felt filled me completely and left no room for anything else. I shouldn’t have, but I held out a little hope that Darcy would prove himself to me, and even if he didn’t I would keep the promise I made to him. I wouldn’t go back to my old ways. I wouldn’t hate him . . . I’d eventually be his friend if that was all I could be.
“I hate men,” I muttered to myself, then laughed.
It wasn’t a hard laugh, or even a long laugh, but it was still a laugh, and in light of the shit that had hit the fan over the past few hours I thought of it as progress.
I stood up from my bed and walked over to my full-length mirror. I shook my head at my white pumps, my snow woman onesie, and my curly brown hair that spilled down over my chest. After I had got dried and done my hair earlier I applied some lotion to my reddened skin. I didn’t bother with anything else because my face was flushed and rosy from crying so much, and no amount of makeup would have hidden it, so I didn’t even try.
I opened my bedroom door and the smell of my mother’s Christmas dinner hit me. I was surprised when my stomach didn’t churn, but grumbled instead. I licked my lips and tried to remember when I had last had a decent meal. At Darcy’s we had eaten only tinned stuff; a bowl of hot cereal would have been a step up. From the smell of my mother’s dinner, this was going to be a massive upgrade.
“Neala?” my mother’s voice called out. “Dinner is ready in two minutes.”
You can do this.
I inhaled and exhaled. “I’m coming.”
I closed my bedroom door and descended the stairs. I could hear the jingle of Christmas songs coming from the kitchen. I was about to walk by the living room when I caught sight of the kids sitting on the floor and the adults gathered around them. I figured I’d go in and watch the kids open their presents. I had nothing to give Charli and deserved any backlash I got from her for breaking my promise.
I had sworn I would get her the doll, and I hadn’t.
I was officially the worst auntie ever, and possibly the shittiest person ever. I’d failed at keeping my promise, yet again.
“I thought it was dinnertime,” I said as I came up behind my mother.
She turned and beamed at me. “The kids want to open some more gifts first.”
I looked down to Charli and Dustin.
Both of the kids were already ripping open presents, and I couldn’t help but genuinely smile at them. They were both the picture of innocence and happiness as they laughed with one another. I felt like someone was looking at me from across the room, and since I knew it was him, I refused to look up.
I just wanted this to be about the kids and not have the focus on Darcy and myself. We’d both ruined countless moments over the years, and I would not let our differences and problems take this one away from the kids. They were mini versions of the pair of us, and if I could stop them from ending up like us, then I bloody well would.
I blinked when a little gasp got my attention.
I looked down as Dustin lifted up the pink, damaged box that I’d wrapped for Charli and looked up to Darcy. I flicked my eyes to Darcy and saw him cringe. I furrowed my eyebrows and looked down at Dustin as he cleared his throat.
“Charli?” he said.
Charli was midway through opening a Barbie dollhouse my parents must have gotten her. I watched as she completely abandoned opening her present as she turned and gave Dustin her full attention. I found myself smiling as I watched the pair of them. They adored one another.
“Yeah?” Charli replied to Dustin.
Dustin’s cheeks flushed red as he extended his arm and held out the pink-wrapped box in Charli’s direction.
“I got this for you,” he said.
I widened my eyes.
What?
Dustin was giving Charli the doll?
What. The. Hell?
Charli gasped, giddily took the box with a chirpy ‘thank you’ and tore into the pink wrapping paper. When she had fully unwrapped the box, her squeal of delight warmed my heart and everyone else’s. We all beamed down at them.
“A Blaze Princess!” Charli screamed and hugged the doll box to her chest.
I didn’t understand what the hell was happening, but my eyes welled up with tears, because somehow I’d got what I wanted by Charli’s getting what she wanted.
In the space of a moment I had gone from feeling low as could be to feeling high as a kite. I didn’t understand any of it, but I was so grateful that Charli got what she wanted, even if I wasn’t the person to give her the doll.
I looked up to Darcy, who was already looking at me. He gave me a small smile and a little shrug of his shoulders as he whispered, “He only told me what he was doing a few minutes ago.”
I blinked.
Things could easily have been solved if we had both known what Dustin had originally intended to do. Charli would have gotten her doll, and Dustin would have gotten to be the one to give it to her.
Win, win.
I looked down to the kids and couldn’t help but beam when Charli crawled over and threw her arms around Dustin and knocked him onto his back as she hugged him. Everyone laughed while my mother took pictures and Sean recorded the two of them on his phone.
When Charli got off Dustin and looked up at me, a smile stretched across my face. “Look!” She beamed and held the box up for me to see.
I chuckled. “I see. It’s brilliant. Just the doll you wanted, right?”
Charli nodded and hugged the doll box to her chest. Dustin sat up and took the box from Charli and proceeded to open it for her. It took him a few minutes to get the doll untangled from the wires holding it to the box, but Charli sat patiently waiting on him.
When he got the doll free and handed it to Charli she took the doll in her arms, closed her eyes and smiled as she hugged it to her chest.
“Merry Christmas, everyone!” She cheered, making us all laugh and cheer with her.
Dustin smiled at Charli and saw how happy she was; he then looked up to Darcy and gave him a thumbs-up, which made us all chuckle.
“Charli, why don’t you get the purple-wrapped gift under the tree? Neala got it for you,” my mother said.
Charli squealed and crawled under the tree to get the gift. Dustin placed his hand on the back of Charli’s leg and pulled her from under the tree when she shouted she had the box, but couldn’t move. Everyone laughed, apart from me.
I looked to my mother and whispered, “I didn’t get her anything.”
“Yes, you did.” My mother winked.
She actually winked at me.
I hadn’t bought Charli anything, so whatever my mother had bought in my name, I hoped it would live up to Blaze doll level – otherwise Charli probably wouldn’t even notice. But either way I was thankful to say I had something for her.
“Thank you,” I mouthed to my mother, who smiled.
We watched Charli open her present and laughed as she screamed so loud that Dustin had to plug his ears with his fingers.
“Blaze doll dresses! Omigod!” Charli squealed. “Thanks, Auntie Neala!”
She jumped up to her feet and barrelled into my legs, hugging me as tight as her little arms allowed. My heart leapt with joy as I returned the hug and watched as she went back to the present and began to tear open the box full of doll dresses and accessories.
Her reaction was amazing.
I looked to my mother, who grinned. “Lots of people bought the dolls in the shops, but many didn’t bother with the outfits, so I figured I’d get her some from you in case you forgot.”
For a moment I thought my mother was snidely implying how forgetful I was, and how often I never came through, but she wasn’t: she was treating me like a simple human being, and pitching in to help me out. She was just having my back.
She was so sneaky, but she was brilliant.
I hugged my mother tightly, then looked back down to Charli, who was playing dress-up with her doll. I chuckled when she had Dustin pick out his favourite dress for the doll to wear. The poor lad didn’t know which one to pick and kept looking at Charli to get some hint as to which one she wanted him to select.
I coughed and muttered, “Pink.”
Dustin heard me and picked out a hot-pink dress, and Charli beamed. “Great choice, Dusty!”
Dustin blew out a breath and looked to me and gave me a big thumbs-up. I winked at him.
A few gifts were exchanged between the adults then. I got perfume, clothes, and some jewellery. Everyone else got similar presents, and when everything was opened we retired to the kitchen to get our food on.
As usual, I hated that there was arranged seating at dinner, because every year Darcy and I were placed close to one another. In the last few years one of the kids had sat between us just to keep things clean and safe for everyone at the table.
