‘Good.’ He looked at me over her head. ‘If that suits you, Alix. It won’t be out of my way. I’ve a meeting in the West End shortly.’
I glanced at Catriona, then back at him. ‘Thanks. It’ll save me a taxi.’
Catriona backed towards the kitchen. ‘Alix, do you mind if I don’t come? I detest stations. Have a good journey ‒ I’ll make sure Bassy doesn’t miss the train on Saturday ‒ see you in Liverpool.’ She turned to Charles as he picked up my suitcases. ‘I’m sorry. I couldn’t. Will you?’
He was wearing his light-weight suit and looking very nice. Suddenly he looked as rigid as when Meggy press-ganged him into offering me that other lift. ‘Yes. Alix, as time’s getting on, I’ll get these down.’
‘Thanks.’ I didn’t follow him down. I stayed in the hall and looked at Catriona as if I had never seen her before. In a way, I hadn’t.
She said nervously, ‘You’d better go.’
‘Yes, I must. See you Saturday. We’ll carry on the conversation then.’
I went down so slowly Charles had my luggage in the boot and was waiting by the front door. When we were in the car he didn’t switch on. He twisted to face me, looking, if possible, even more rigid. ‘We haven’t much time, but as I’m about to deliver what I suspect’ll be an unpleasant shock, I’ll do it while you’re sitting down. Being up to the neck in it myself, I’ve no excuses, and I won’t insult you with an apology. Catriona’s the elder of my two half-sisters.’
I scrutinized his face as I had Catriona’s. They hadn’t a feature in common, but the family resemblance was something else that was clear enough if one knew what one was looking for. ‘I’ve thought she might be for the last few minutes. So that’s why I noticed you at the station our first day.’ He was hating this so much I had to look away. I looked at my watch. ‘Shouldn’t we move? I don’t want to miss my train.’
‘No. You wouldn’t want that.’ He switched on. ‘Let’s hope the lights are kind.’
They were all green.
Chapter Fifteen
The only other occupants of my carriage were two elderly women sitting on opposite sides of the corridor door. They watched Charles stack my luggage over my reserved seat by the exit door without interrupting their conversation on grandchildren. ‘Personally, I blame Dr Spock, but dare I say as much …’
Charles stepped back onto the platform. I nerved myself for my most disturbing moment in Edinburgh, if not my life.
‘Is that your brother, Alix?’
Any excuse was golden. I dropped my bag and gloves on my seat and went out. ‘Where? I’m not expecting him.’
‘I’m sorry, I was mistaken.’ He glanced casually at the clock. Less than five minutes left. ‘You saw me here the day you arrived?’
It was his first reference to it since telling me. We had driven down in silence, and I had been as oblivious to the Edinburgh scene as on my first drive along Princes Street. There’d been another difference. Then I hadn’t bothered to look; now I hadn’t dared.
‘Yes. I didn’t see you meeting Catriona, though I could’ve. Risky, wasn’t it?’
‘Possibly,’ he agreed evenly.
That wretched clock was mesmerizing me. ‘Or didn’t you then know she wanted to disown you? She said something just now about it being her fault. She spring it on you here? That why she got in such a tiz over my meeting you?’ He nodded. ‘Did you send her those roses on her birthday? She got in a tiz over them, too.’
‘So I gathered. I ‒ er ‒ also gather congratulations are unofficially in order. May I offer mine?’
That was when it properly sank in. I felt quite horribly exposed and hurt. I had to hit back. ‘Very efficient, your hot line. Do tell me, are you Aunt Elspeth as well as most literally Big Brother?’ I smiled nastily. ‘I know I’ve spoken to a Mrs Ferguson on the phone, but I guess that could’ve been just another smoke-screen.’
A muscle in his left cheek was tying knots. ‘Elspeth Ferguson is the widow of my stepfather’s youngest brother.’ He added her address. ‘We’ve tried to keep to the truth, if not all the truth.’
‘What do I keep to on Saturday? Is the privilege of illumination reserved for me, or, now it’s safe, for all ‒ no, enjoy’s hardly the word ‒ to share?’
‘Please do as you wish. I’m sorry,’ he said, ‘but not surprised you’re so angry. As you’re incapable of dissembling, this’ll hit you harder than most ‒ and God knows most’d be angry enough. I should’ve been.’ He watched the porters shutting doors for a couple of seconds, then turned back to me. ‘I wish we’d more time for this, Alix. I wish you weren’t leaving on this note, but as you have to go, you’d better get back on.’
Suddenly I surfaced. ‘I don’t like parting in hate either. And it’s most unfair to hit at you for only doing what Bassy would’ve done had I asked him, and even if he thought me a bloody moron for asking. Not that Catriona was such a moron. She didn’t know us, and after the talk we’ve just had I can see ‒ oh, blimey! Robbie! Is he hung-up on that girl! He could’ve bust this wide open any time these last four months ‒ and I could’ve spent them in plaster if you hadn’t saved me a few busted bones!’ I was smiling. ‘So why am I griping at you?’
‘Alix, I must tell you ‒’ he began urgently, then stopped as if he’d forgotten what he wanted to say. ‘I must tell you,’ he repeated in his most precise voice, ‘you’re the most generous person I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. Have you forgotten what I owe you?’
I daren’t even think of his eye. Not now. ‘As we’re having this mutual-admiration society, how about the four quid, or whatever it was, you saved me?’
‘And fifteen shillings.’ From his smile he was recalling the laugh of his year. ‘I’m sorry I gave you that shock when I woke you.’
‘I don’t suppose it was half as bad as the shock I gave you and poor Catriona. “You kissed him?” Oh, baby! She nearly had a coronary. I’m sorry about that.’
‘You’ve no occasion to be as I enjoyed it,’ he said pleasantly. ‘So much so that as this is where we say goodbye, I’d like to return it. May I?’
Civilized to the last, that was us, and it was hell. ‘Why not?’ I increased the voltage of my idiot grin and braced myself for a social peck.
He took my shoulders lightly and brushed his lips against my face. And then it was as if a tidal-wave had hit me. Simultaneously his mouth covered mine and his arms held me clamped against him as he kissed me more passionately than I had ever been, or imagined I could be, kissed. I was too astounded, too enchanted, as well as too overwhelmed physically, to do anything but drift gloriously with the wave.
I felt his whole body give a kind of shudder as he drew away. ‘Alix, I’m sorry, very sorry about this,’ he murmured. ‘I didn’t mean this to happen, and though I love you very much, that’s no excuse.’ He practically lifted me into the train and hung on to the open door as if he needed the support. ‘Enjoy your journey and future. I wish we could’ve shared ‒ pity ‒ I’ll miss you. Goodbye.’ He shut the door, walked off as rapidly as he had spoken, and was through the gates before I had time to take in more than the expression in his eyes. He had managed to keep it out of his face, but I had seen that expression in my own eyes the first time I looked in a mirror after John’s final ’phone-call.
The train gave that slight backward jerk before starting. I jumped out just before it moved forward.
‘You’ll miss it dear!’ The elderly ladies gasped in unison.
A guard yelled from a van, ‘We’re away, miss!’
‘I’ll catch another, thanks!’ I tore through the gates too fast for any ticket collector as my train moved out for its slow run through the city.
Charles had left his car across the yard and facing the exit. He was standing by it lighting a cigarette when he saw me. He did drop that cigarette, but otherwise he looked neither happy, unhappy, or even mildly surprised as he came towards me. He just looked at me.
‘Charles, what time’s your meeting?’
He blinked. ‘I’ve time in hand if you want me to drive you back to Catriona?’ He glanced at my ungloved hands.
‘Left your handbag with your luggage on the train?’
I looked down absently. ‘Yes. Doesn’t matter. Those two old girls’ll hand the lot over to a guard. I’ll borrow from Bassy.’
‘We’d better have an immediate word with the station-master.’
‘Not yet.’ I knew what I wanted to say, but I would have to say it before my nerve ran out. ‘Masses of time before the train gets to London, and I want to talk to you.’
He considered this and my face unemotionally as he stepped aside to let a porter trundle by with luggage. ‘Before you see Catriona?’
‘Yes.’ I had to dodge another porter.
He moved closer. ‘Let’s go and have some coffee. This mist is thickening and very chilly.’
‘No.’ I looked round the busy yard. ‘I don’t want coffee. I just want to talk, and we can’t talk here. Can’t we drive somewhere ‒ like up the hill?’ I saw his brief frown. ‘Haven’t you time for that?’
‘Time enough, but I think we should first attend to your luggage. The train stops at Berwick ‒’
‘Why waste energy getting it taken off at Berwick when I’ll want it in London. And though I did book the seat I’ve just wasted, that obviously wasn’t necessary.’
‘It’s generally necessary to reserve a seat at weekends.’ He paused expectantly, but I did not answer as I didn’t know that answer, yet. He turned his attention to the mist. ‘This’ll blot out the view from the hill and is going to turn to rain shortly.’
I was too on edge for civility. ‘I didn’t get off that train in a Scotch mist for a bloody sightseeing kick! Nor, after four months on the Edinburgh district, does my blood run cold at the prospect of Edinburgh rain.’
‘Come to the car.’ When we were seated he addressed the windscreen. ‘You got off to talk to me?’
‘First.’
‘Then Catriona? Then, I would say, Robert Ross?’
I watched his profile. Catriona had never looked more composed. Very, very alike. ‘Roughly.’
‘I see.’ He did not say anything more until he had driven us up the hill. He parked on the flattened plateau, got out rather quickly, walked round, and opened my door. ‘I expect you’d prefer to stroll as it’s not raining yet. Have you seen the view from here by day?’
‘I’ve only been here that night you brought me up.’
‘Pity,’ he said politely. ‘The view’s worth seeing by day. I wish this mist would clear.’
The mist was showing as little sign of clearing as he was of belonging to the human race. It was very much thicker up there and swirled round and between us as we walked a foot or so apart and transformed the pillars of the old, unfinished war-memorial into ghostly fingers pointing at the invisible sky. The noise of the traffic below was as silenced as the surrounding city was hidden. I said, ‘If this was my first visit I’d never guess it was there.’
‘One wouldn’t.’
I stopped on the path. ‘Charles, this is impossible.’
He stopped and turned, but stayed where he was. ‘You’re finding it too chilly?’
The dampness glistened on his hair and eyebrows, and made his eyes seem greener. His collar and tie were as limp as my hair felt. It was down and kept falling in heavy strands in front of my face. I pushed it back in near desperation. I still knew what I wanted to say, but in his present mood I could have said it more easily and hoped for a better response from one of those barely discernible pillars. With every passing second it seemed more incredible that he should have kissed me as he had. As he had, I had to start somewhere. ‘Not the weather. You. After you kissed me you said you loved me. Do you?’ Momentarily he looked down his nose exactly as Catriona when confronted by a solecism. ‘Yes, though it’s scarcely surprising you should now doubt my word.’
‘I don’t.’ But I could have said that to one of those pillars. ‘It’s like this,’ I began again, and rather desperately. ‘After you said that and vanished, as I thought you did mean it ‒ I ‒ well ‒ it struck me I’d probably given you the wrong impression, and I couldn’t leave ‒’
‘You most certainly did not!’
That made me blink. ‘I didn’t?’
‘Of course not!’
‘Charles, are you sure?’
‘Of course I’m sure!’ He was adamant. ‘Alix, I may be in love with you and want to marry you, but though that’s had such a lamentable effect on my self-control, it has not, to the best of my knowledge, softened my brain. In consequence, I now see very clearly why you’d no alternative to getting off that train or to insisting on privacy for this conversation. This is not one for a crowded station, or any other restaurant. But you want to get this matter straightened out between us before seeing Catriona either today or Saturday. Right?’
‘Well, yes, though I still don’t think you understand ‒’
‘If you’ll forgive my saying this, Alix, don’t be absurd!’ He was off again. ‘Have you forgotten I’ve personal experience of your refusal to allow anyone whom you suspect of forming the wrong impression from your actions to linger under that impression one unnecessary second? Do you think I wasn’t conscious of your wholly uncharacteristic passivity in my arms? And don’t understand why you’re now afraid that may have misled me into hoping you less unattracted to me than you’ve previously given me to believe? And, in consequence, as distances these days can be measured by one’s income, starting to make a bloody nuisance of myself? I said “may”,’ he snapped, as I tried to break in, ‘for the very simple reason that I know precisely why you let me kiss you as I did. I left you no alternative ‒ and that, I don’t mind telling you, now appals me! Never in my life, until today, have I used or wanted to use force to kiss a woman. I thought I’d more self-control. Admittedly, it was the thought of losing you that triggered it off, but that’s no excuse for releasing one’s most primitive instincts.’ He bristled visibly as I smiled. ‘If that amuses you I can only regret my failure to appreciate your sense of humour.’
‘Give me strength!’ I moved closer and flattened my hands on his chest. ‘This is worse than impossible! If your money didn’t rule it out we’d still be freaky to marry! We just don’t communicate!’
He covered my hands with his and tried to push all four through his chest-wall. ‘There’s some question of us marrying?’ He sounded as dazed as he looked.
‘No! And as neither of us fancies living in S.I.N., maybe I should’ve stayed on that train though you love me and I love you ‒ like crazy. That’s why I couldn’t leave you looking so unhappy, and to go through it all over again. I remember what hell it was, and even if I’m just your rebound, rebounds can open up new as well as old scars. I had to explain I’m not running out because I don’t love you, but because I do. And what’s happened? Every time I’ve opened my mouth you’ve shoved your consequences and hang-ups down my throat! You had me in your arms, but could you tell I was loving it? Oh, no! Crushed into submission! Helpless victim of your primitive passion! Duckie, my clumpy heels are very solid. Had I wanted to resist and all else failed you’d now have some very nasty bruises on your shins. Understand?’
He swallowed. ‘Alix, I am most delightfully but utterly confused ‒’
‘Maybe this’ll communicate better.’ I kissed his lips. The second tidal-wave was more wonderful than the first. The mist turned to a drizzle and then a downpour before we noticed it had started to rain. We ran laughing to the car. He unlocked the front passenger door and followed me in.
I flicked back my wet hair. ‘You want me to drive?’
‘I want you back in my arms without that damned wheel in the way. That’s better.’ He draped my hair carefully over his left shoulder and forearm. ‘After four months without being able to touch you, now I have five seconds without and I feel incomplete.’ He kissed me as for the first time. ‘So you love me like crazy?’
�
�Yes. No wait!’ I held his face a little away. ‘What about your meeting?’
He looked younger, incredibly happy, and even more incredibly gay. ‘A convenient myth. Seeing your brother at the station was another. I had to get you out of that train, if only for the last few minutes.’
‘You did a great job on that one.’
‘Did I?’ His arms tightened. ‘Tell me again why you came back.’
That took some time as my explanation had to include John and Josephine Astley. He looked so troubled that I wished both could have been avoided. ‘I had to give you the lot or this wouldn’t make sense. Get the picture now?’
‘Very clearly. You don’t, as there’s something I’ve still to tell you which I’m afraid you won’t like ‒’
‘You haven’t got a wife somewhere?’ I tried to sit forward, without success.
‘I have not! Nor have I ever wanted any girl but yourself as my wife. Yes, that’s what I’ve to tell you. I wasn’t engaged to Josephine, though I knew that impression prevailed ‒’
‘What?’
‘No. Never.’ He was very upset. ‘Did ‒ er ‒ Catriona tell you I was?’
‘I think ‒ no! Now I think back ‒ not in so many words. Nor did she set it up. We did. She just let it ride.’ I relaxed and thought it over. ‘I can see why. Five single girls all unknown quantities downstairs, brother Charlie loaded and single above. Next to a wife, what better cover than a loaded fiancée? Not that we then knew you were loaded, but we might’ve. And if she wanted to remain incog she couldn’t risk us seeing much of you, and certainly not you two together. You don’t look alike, but you are in lots of ways. Also,’ I added, ‘she probably wanted to protect you as much as herself. Don’t look so grim, love! Could’ve been a wild scene ‒ five eager birdies on your own doorstep.’
His mouth twitched upwards at the corners. ‘A trifle alarming. You’re not angry?’
‘Just shaken. So much wouldn’t have happened if I’d known this earlier. We wouldn’t have had our sturm und drang ‒ oh, God! And I wouldn’t be here now.’
Edinburgh Excursion Page 19
