by Lauren Asher
I’m here for you. I’ll fight the memories with you. We’ll beat this together.
And I can’t prevent falling a bit more for him that night.
“I can’t believe I get to hang out in the pit on a race day. Holy fucking shit!” Caleb bounces up and down.
“Hey, language. There are kids visiting.” I’m tempted to smack him with the side of my clipboard.
“But come on, this is the coolest thing ever. Look at Jax in his race gear. Hold up.” Caleb pulls out his cellphone and snaps a photo of Jax.
Trust me, I don’t think I can look anywhere but at Jax in his race gear.
I snap out of my daze. “Here, let the camera crew take a photo of you two.”
“Of course, mi princesa Mexicana. Good idea.” Caleb grins.
Jax laughs as he wraps an arm around Caleb’s shoulder. The press snaps some photos of the two of them, with Caleb beaming at Jax.
Caleb’s mother makes her way over. I assume if Caleb had hair, it would be similar to his mother’s blonde color. They have the same light eyes and freckles covering their noses.
She gives me a hug. “Thank you for everything you’ve done for my son. It’s all he could talk about this month. It kept his spirits up even after another round of chemo.” Her smile wobbles once she lets me go.
“Of course. It was no trouble at all. You did such an amazing job raising him because he’s one of a kind.”
“In every sense of the phrase. I have two younger children, and neither of them has his kind of personality.” She points out her two other kids, both small and blonde, mesmerized by the mechanics working on the race cars.
“I don’t know how you do it. Three kids are a lot.”
“You don’t have any?”
“Oh, no. Not yet at least.” I nearly choke at the thought.
“Just wait. I grew up as an only child, and I didn’t want that for my kids. Three might seem like a lot, but I had to convince myself not to have a fourth if you can believe that.” She laughs to herself.
“I’m sure three is sufficient.”
“Most definitely. You’ll see. One day, you’ll realize what I’m talking about. These three couldn’t be any more different, but they love each other. And they would do anything for one another, too.” She smiles at her children.
A yearning I’ve never had before takes up a spot in my heart. One I shouldn’t have but can’t deny.
I don’t want something temporary with someone. I want everything. The relationship. A family. The moments I want to hold on to for the rest of my life.
And most of all, I think I could want that all with Jax.
34
Jax
I embed my earpiece into my ears, tuning out the rest of the world. Mechanics roll my car toward my second-place position on the grid. The engine rumbles behind me as it heats up, reminding me of the race day reality.
Grueling heat. Intense pressure. And worst of all, my very own devil on my shoulder in the form of performance anxiety.
“Oh my God. So fucking cool, mate. Elena got the engineer to let me speak to you on the radio! Do you think they can hear me on TV?” Caleb yells into the mic.
The mic picks up on Elena telling him to talk lower as if she can read my mind.
“Enjoy it, kid.”
“Who are you calling a kid? I’m only like ten years younger than you.”
“A decade goes a long way when you get to my age.” I grip my steering wheel tighter with my gloved hands.
“Stop being such a depressing twat before your race.”
I snicker. “Any last words before they kick you off the mic?”
“Kick ass, Kingston. Show those fuckers what it’s like to be part of a DNA dynasty. Your dad may be a legend in the ring, but you’re the king of the track.”
I laugh at his comment. Little does he know my DNA sucks arse once my dad is taken out of the equation. But I promise myself to give Caleb a good show, wanting him to enjoy every last second of his experience with me.
The mechanics run the last checks before the start of the race.
“Gotta go, mate. See you at the winner’s podium.”
The crew pulls off my tire warmers and rushes off the track. One at a time, five lights flash above my helmet before shutting off.
I push against the throttle while hitting buttons on my steering wheel. My car propels forward, screeching as I hold my spot behind Noah, the race leader. Tension courses through my body as my heart works to pump blood faster. The sound of engines roaring adds to my rush, feeding the demon inside of me that craves adrenaline.
“Good job getting out of turn one unscathed. Can’t say the same about a Sauvage driver. Mind turn two—that tends to be where you lost time during the qually round,” Chris speaks into my radio.
I keep focused, rushing up to Noah’s side on the straight, only to have him push me back into second. The blurring red car in my side mirrors tells me Santiago is too close to my rear bumper for comfort.
“Monitor Santiago behind me. I don’t like how he performed yesterday.” I tune into what the other engineer has to say. Santiago tends to take riskier moves that usually pay off, but I’m not up for him cocking up my home race because of an accident.
A swarm of people cheer from one of the stands as I pass them in a blur. Pride makes me push harder to overtake Noah at the next turn. It feels good to represent my home race with a front-of-the-grid spot. The British GP has always been one of my favorite races, with fans from all over Britain coming to cheer me on.
At the next turn, I drive on the outside of Noah’s car. Pushing against the brake a second later than suggested gives me the edge against him. I pull ahead of his car, securing the first-place spot.
I drive past one of the Grandstands with the roar of my engine. F1 fans cheering me on invigorates me, feeding my ego and the adrenaline rush coursing through me. The waves of blue, red, and white give me a sense of nostalgia and pride.
Lap after lap, Noah and I compete with one another. We both pit our cars, only to come back and compete for first place again. I take the lead once more and keep him in my side-view mirror.
My eyes slide from the mirror to the road a second too late. A piece of debris on the road catches on my tire.
“Shit!” I switch gears, hoping there wasn’t any damage.
Another lap goes by before I get the disastrous news.
“You’re losing tire pressure. We’re going to need you to pit,” Chris speaks up.
I clutch onto the steering wheel harder, anger replacing the rush of energy from earlier. Me pitting again means Noah gains his first-place spot back with little likelihood of giving it up to me again.
Fuck.
I pit, and the crew rushes to replace my tires. My car exits the pit lane and enters back into the race.
I race through the track, hitting speeds risky of collisions, attempting to regain my position in second place. There are only a handful of laps left for me to secure a home-race win. Santiago leaves a small opening on the inside of the next turn, which gives me the chance to drive past him.
Sweat trickles down my face into my protective mask as I secure the second place.
“Good work, Jax!” Chris’s voice booms.
The car rattles as I press my foot against the accelerator. Noah keeps in the center of the road, not giving me room to surpass him.
“Fuck. He won’t let up.”
“You have two laps left to try,” an engineer offers.
You don’t fucking say. Passing the next Grandstand fills me with dread rather than excitement. Fear of failing my fans eats away at my confidence to pull off a first-place win.
No matter what I try, I’m met with resistance from Noah. Being stuck between him and Santiago isn’t ideal, with the latter riding my rear bumper like he wants to fuck me from behind.
Noah seals my fate during the final lap. Both of us pass the checkered line seconds apart from one another, with him winning the Prix.
A flicker of disappointment runs through me at not achieving P1 at my home race. But unlike the past times, where anxiety reared its ugly head to bask in my frustration, I remain calm. While I’m bummed about not winning, I’m not bothered much by it. I have Elena and Caleb to hang out with when the festivities are all said and done, which excites me more than a trophy.
When Noah, Santiago, and I stand on the podium, I keep a smile on my face. I turn toward the side of the stage, finding Elena and Caleb cheering me on.
I may not have won first place, but the reward is just as great. My eyes find the woman who has kept me sane during this entire season. Elena looks at me with happiness instead of a burning dislike. And Caleb...well, Caleb looks like he might pass out from screaming and jumping around.
My top fan barrels into me once I step off the stage. He wraps his arms around me and squeezes with impressive strength for someone who appears weak. “Thank you for the best memories. I will never ever forget this for as long as I live.”
I give him a hug back. “You’re one of the coolest guys I’ve ever met. You inspire me.”
Caleb lets go of me and looks up at me in disbelief. “How?”
My eyes slide from his to Elena’s, catching her beautiful smile as she faces us. “To be stronger than the demons holding me back.”
“Do you have to leave?” Mum wraps her arms around me, making it impossible to move.
“The season is halfway over. Then I’ll be back home, spending time with you all over again.”
“Okay, fine, if you must go. But what do you say about leaving Elena behind? We will feed her well, we promise.” Mum bobs her head while Dad hides his laugh with a cough.
“I need Elena to help me out. Maybe she’ll come back and visit one day.” I wink at Elena.
Mum walks up to Elena, using her cane for help. She wraps her arms around the latest object of my affection. The sight of Mum whispering to her hits me hard.
I don’t know where the fuck the sudden emotion came from, but it chokes me. Mum never had a daughter or even a girlfriend of mine she could speak to. Elena hugging Mum back stirs a longing inside of me. Longing for Elena to stay longer. Longing for her to spend more time with my family like our movie nights or post-tea piano sessions.
Longing for her to become something more stable in my life.
And greatest of all, longing to face my biggest fear for the biggest reward.
35
Elena
Austin, Texas is filled with American fans who are decked out in Bandini gear, cowboy hats, and boots straight out of a country western movie. They play honky-tonk music from the radio and fans tailgate in their pickup trucks. I soak it up, enjoying the Southern food and action of the race week.
Jax and I choose to eat dinner at a restaurant located close to the track. We decide on a table outside, enjoying the tourists walking past us.
I eye him curiously, taking in his rigid posture. “You can take off your sunglasses, you know. The sun is setting.”
“I’m trying to blend in.” He lowers his Ray-Bans before adjusting them again.
Shockingly, he’s right. No one has come up to him so far during our dinner, which I call a win. “Is that how you plan on living the rest of your life? Hiding in plain sight?”
He tilts his head at me. “No. If I had it my way, I’d live close to my parents while still remaining secluded. When I retire, I plan on buying a big property and making it so cool, I rarely have to leave.”
“Like what?”
“A bowling alley, a small movie theater, a pool with a water slide. Maybe even a lazy river.”
I clap my hands together. “Don’t forget about a mini-golf course.”
“And a mini-golf course.” He smiles.
“And a treehouse!”
Jax lets out a deep laugh. “Anything else?”
“You forgot about a fire pit with hanging string lights. You know, the circular ones they have in movies and on Pinterest?”
“This project is turning out to be rather costly if you have it your way.”
I roll my eyes. “Hey, you said you wanted a property that you’ll never want to leave. I’m helping make the dream come true. You should be thanking me.”
“I’ll have to leave eventually. But rarely is preferable.”
“Like for groceries?” I grin.
“Precisely. Fuck the paparazzi always bothering me. I wouldn’t want that for me or my—” His voice trails off.
I fill in the blank based on the way Jax’s hands clench in front of him. The weight of his slipup, along with the way he shuts down, shows how much his unspoken words rattled him. It’s been a month since we first got together, and he still struggles with the idea of a future. I try to not take offense, but my chest tightens at his apprehension. I’m not asking for forever, but a little faith would be nice.
I attempt to lighten the conversation again. “When do you plan on executing this grand plan of yours?”
“I’m not sure. I only got myself a girlfriend a month ago. She needs to give me time and whatnot, but who knows what will happen one day.”
Girlfriend.
Girlfriend?!
Internally I’m screaming at myself while I’m playing it cool as a freaking igloo on the outside.
“So, your girlfriend, huh? Who is she?” I lean across the small cafe table and poke his chest.
“Someone I think about all the fucking time.”
“Oh, tell me more.” I bat my lashes.
“She’s got a wicked mouth that’s good for multiple things.”
I snort. “Nothing like being multi-talented.”
“You’re telling me. Plus, no one can compare to this girl. She’s hands down the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met.” Jax laughs, hitting me with the best version of himself—carefree and all sorts of handsome.
“Hmm. You better be careful because looks only go so far.”
“I wasn’t talking about her exterior.”
My heart melts as Jax’s intense words leave me speechless.
“Did I mention she also makes my morning tea the way I like it? Or that I love how she somehow moved into my bedroom without asking. And how she sucks like—”
“Okay! She gets the point!”
A few other restaurant patrons look at us, frowning before I wave them off.
“You forgot one important part.” I keep my face neutral, not wanting to smile.
“What?” He goes from smirking to scowling.
“You never asked this girl to be your girlfriend in the first place, Kingston. I can imagine it’s a foreign concept, seeing as you rarely ask for anything.” I sip my water as I stare off in the distance, pretending I’m not dying to hear what he says next.
“Weird. I thought us spending all this time together made that pretty clear.” Jax closes the distance between us, leaning across the table. The noise around us lessens. His lips linger close to mine, hovering near the place I crave him the most.
“There’s a difference between asking and assuming.”
Jax’s lips press against mine, and I let out a sigh. “Elena Gonzalez—” kiss “—will you do me the honor—” his tongue traces the seam of my lips, making me shiver despite the summer heat “—of being my girlfriend? Officially.” His teeth scrape my bottom lip before his tongue darts out apologetically, soothing the sore area.
“Yes,” I offer breathlessly.
He smacks one last peck before grinning down at me. “See? I knew you’d say yes. I don’t like asking stupid questions that I already know the answer to.”
And like that, Jax wins another part of my heart, with a few kisses and a smile.
36
Jax
Liam pulls me away from our group of friends, leaving Sophie and Maya to chat Elena’s ear off while we wait for our Escape Room appointment.
“I wanted to tell you that it makes me happy to see you no longer flipping your shit every week. Love looks good on you.” Liam passes his debit
card to the employee.
Instead of coming back with a snappy comment, I place my hand on Liam’s shoulder and give it a squeeze. “Thanks. I’m sorry I haven’t been the easiest person to get along with this year.”
The employee leaves us alone, mumbling something about checking if our room is ready.
“That’s an understatement. But with you taking the human equivalent of animal tranquilizers, I can’t blame you. Speaking of those pills, are you still using them?”
I cross my arms. “No.”
Liam’s eyebrow raises. “No like ‘No, I’m not taking them,’ or ‘No, I enjoy them from time to time like indulging in ice cream’?”
I chuckle. “No. I’m done with that shit. Permanently.”
He lets out a loud breath. “Thank fuck.”
“I still keep them around for any out-of-control panic attacks, but I switched medications.” I ignore the urge to tell Liam about Tom and my therapy sessions.
“Will you promise me one thing?”
I lean against the counter, needing something to support me for whatever Liam is about to throw my way. “What?”
“I’m happy for you and your relationship. I really am. But I want you to reassure me that even if it doesn’t turn out well, you won’t fall back into the cycle of pills and partying.”
I frown. “Not good how?”
“Relationships take work. They’re not easy.”
“And?”
“And for someone like you, I worry that you might return to self-destructive ways to cope with the negatives in your life.”
“I promise you that I won’t, even if my relationship doesn’t work out or shit gets hard. I’m done with Xanax. And partying isn’t as fun anyway without you and Noah.”
