by Lauren Asher
“What about kids?”
“What about them? There are other ways to have children. Sperm donors, adoption—the options are endless. I don’t care about the details as long as I can have you.”
“Elena…” I look away, nervous to meet her gaze. “Are you sure about this? Because if you claim you want it all, then I get to do the same.”
Her small fingers clutch my chin and force me to face her. “I wouldn’t want it any other way. Live a messy life with me, Jax Kingston. I want chaos. I want darkness. I want sunshine and rainstorms with you. But most of all, I want you any way I can have you because I love you.”
Her words sink into my skin, etching themselves like the ink that covers my body. I didn’t realize how much I needed her until I let her go.
“I love you too. Even when I tried my hardest not to.” My hand tightens around the back of her neck and I tug her lips to mine. I kiss her with every ounce of love I feel, hoping I can express every apology I wanted to say to her. To remind her of every moment I missed her, craved her, wanted to crawl back to her.
She sighs and I take advantage, running my tongue along the seam of her lips before having a taste. With Elena, one kiss is never enough. It’ll never be enough, in all the days of my life, from here on out. Despite my desire to continue, I pull away.
She protests with a groan. I chuckle as I clutch onto her hand and drag her toward McCoy’s motorhome. Fans call my name out and I nod, barely paying attention because I’m on a mission.
My dick throbs in anticipation as we make it back to my private suite. I pull her in for another kiss, making quick work of removing her clothes. She tugs on the zipper of my race suit, and I help, ridding myself of the sweaty, champagne-soaked clothes.
“Fuck. I’ve missed you.” I take her in, loving every curve on her body.
“Me too.” She sighs as my lips find her neck and suck.
“If I were a good guy, I’d take you back to my hotel and give you a reunion you deserve.”
“I’m not here to date the good guy.” She cups my erection and rubs her thumb across the slit.
I drop my head back and groan. “Then be prepared for all the bad.”
She laughs. “I look forward to it.”
I push her toward the couch. Elena lies down, taking up the entire length of it. She looks up at me like a present I don’t fucking deserve but can’t help keeping.
“It’s okay to be happy.” She smiles.
I grab her legs and pull her toward the side of the couch, lifting her ass up over the armrest. My knees hit the floor as my mouth ravages her. The taste of her is fucking addictive, reminding me of everything I was stupid to let go of.
I kiss, lick, and appreciate her with each stroke of my tongue. Her moans are a symphony to my ears. She gasps when my lips wrap around her clit. I pump a finger, and then another into her, prepping her for me.
She moans my name before she detonates around me. I can’t pull away, wanting to consume everything she has to offer me.
“Shit.” She sighs. “I’ve missed you so much.”
“Move back.”
She follows my command, moving so her entire body covers the couch again. I grab a condom from my gym bag and put it on before crawling over her body.
“I’ve missed you more than I can begin to explain. I’m sorry for everything, Elena. I’m sorry for hurting you and for making you feel like you weren’t good enough for me. The truth is you’ll always be too good for me. But damn, I can’t give you up ever again.”
“Keep me forever.” She pushes onto her elbows and kisses me. Her hands go to my dick, touching me before guiding me toward her entrance.
I push into her, groaning as she tugs on my hair. “Fuck.”
She gasps when I move. I keep a slow pace, wanting to enjoy the moment with her. Steady, tantalizing strokes prompt her to tug on my hair harder.
“As much as I love slow sex, this is torture.”
“The best kind. Always the best with you.” I kiss her neck as I increase my tempo and strength, hitting the spot that makes her scratch at my back. The moan leaving her mouth excites me. My pace grows erratic as she clutches onto my back, chanting my name in my ear.
With a few more pumps, she explodes around my dick. My movements grow relentless and desperate as I chase the high only Elena provides. A warmth trails down my spine as my release closes in. I come, pounding into her, devouring her sighs with my lips.
I collapse on top of her, hugging her close to my body. “I love you.”
“I love you too.” Her voice cracks.
I lift my head from her neck, brushing away a tear from her cheek with the pad of my thumb. “Sex that good?”
“The greatest. But I’m scared you’ll change your mind if things get hard.”
“For all the days of my life, I promise you I won’t push you away. When life gets hard, I’ll lean on you. When you need me, you can count on me to do the same. I want our kind of love story.” I kiss her softly.
“No take backs?”
I smile at her with every ounce of love I feel. “No take backs.”
51
Jax
Three Months Later
Elena might have been the one to fight for me, but I can’t deny the creeping anxiety that everything is only temporary. Whenever I fall into a negative thinking cycle, Elena pulls me out. And to be real, I lock myself into my mental prison all too much after the World Championship.
Moving on from F1 was easier than I thought. It’s the doctor’s visits and adjusting to my new life that isn’t. I try my best to make positive strides forward. Tom is my permanent therapist now, and I’ve been spending time making amends with Elena.
All kinds of amends. The good, the sexual, and the downright swoony kind.
Which leads me to my next dilemma. Logistically speaking, Elena and I are currently in a long-distance relationship.
Ha. fucking. ha.
Me, the one with an allergy to anything more permanent than last week’s leftovers, is committed to something other than my career and my family. But despite my patience and loyalty to Elena, I can’t keep living with her far away. A flight from London to Monaco is too long for my liking. Even Caleb gives me shit about Elena living far away from me.
Neither one of us has mentioned where we want to go from here. After I finished my press events and wind-down from my last season, I flew to Monaco, wanting to surprise Elena.
I made plans. Big plans that make me drunk on excitement rather than nervousness. Unlike my last big life change, I thought everything out. Every single detail and all the possible scenarios. I know it’s crazy. I know the whole damn thing will make my friends question whether I’ve completely lost it. But if this year has taught me anything, it’s that I can’t spend my life waiting anymore.
I don’t want to spend another year of my life biding my time because of societal norms. Well, I don’t want to waste another month, let alone another day without Elena next to me. And most of all, I want to live every day to the fullest now that I know my life will change drastically as I get older. Hence my plan.
The first step was prepping.
The second step involved breaking and entering.
And the final step is about to occur, based on the rattling of Elena’s doorknob to her flat.
I take a deep breath, tucking my fidgeting fingers into the pocket of my ripped jeans. Elena opens the door and drops her keys on the side table. She shuts and locks her front door before hanging up her purse, all without giving me a second glance.
Her awareness is shit. Combine that with her crappy flat and you have the latest inspiration for a Criminal Minds episode. Bleak but honest.
“Well, love, I’ll tell you one thing, you’ve proven exactly why you shouldn’t live alone anymore.”
Elena screams, jumping a foot back before hitting the door. “What the fuck, Jax!”
I lean against the wall, smiling at her. “I’ve been waiting for you.”
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She pushes her hand against her chest. “And you couldn’t have texted me that? How did you even get my key?”
“Your landlord was easily bought.”
“¡No mames!” She hits the light next to her, basking us in a glow.
After a year of being around her, I’ve picked up on her slang words. “Okay, fine, I’m joking. I borrowed your spare key last week.”
“By borrowed you mean ‘took it off my keyring’?”
“Precisely. You’ve always had a way with words.”
She walks up to me, abandoning her spot by the door. Her eyes slide from me to the newly built shelf hidden behind a bedsheet. “What’s this?”
Spoiler alert for all the sad saps out there: building Ikea furniture is like assembling a Millennium Falcon Lego set without any instructions. Fucking terrible.
“A gift.”
“Trying to buy my love already after a few months together?”
I grin at her before placing a soft kiss against her lips. “Why buy something I already have?”
Elena shakes her head, hiding her smile. “So, what is it?”
I tug on the sheet, revealing my creation.
Elena doesn’t move, let alone speak, as her eyes land on the rows of snow globes.
“You kept all the notes?” She traces the glass of one snow globe as if she can touch her lavender piece of paper secured inside of it.
“I couldn’t let you throw them away. I haven’t cashed in on all of them yet.”
“What do you mean?”
“Check them out yourself and you tell me.”
Elena reads off each of her vouchers to me. I laugh at the mention of Xanax, shaking my head at how much of a dependent, irritable arsehole I was. She pushed me to want to save myself with a few notes scribbled and hidden inside of my pill bottle.
I grab one of the snow globes and shake it, before twisting the knob at the bottom. The soft melody of Ed Sheeran’s “Thinking Out Loud” plays as I pass her the snow globe.
“No way! Ed Sheeran?”
We remain quiet as the melody plays. Tears run down her face as she reads my note. I try to brush them away, but I miss a few.
Her eyes slide from the snow globe to my face. “I didn’t write that note.”
A soft laugh escapes me. “Obviously not.” My messy Will you marry me? sticks out, unlike her elegant cursive.
“This is crazy.”
“But so real.” I place the snow globe on the shelf and tuck her into my body. Her warmth seeps into me, hitting me with a new wave of happiness.
“It’s way too soon.”
“Nothing in my life is ‘too soon’ anymore.”
“I have a life here.”
I chuckle to myself, loving the rational part of her that needs to question all the possible issues before agreeing. “If you want to stay here, I’ll live here, too. I can travel to and from London more often.”
“You’d do that for me?” She looks up at me with tear-stained cheeks.
“Of course.”
“But what about your mom?”
“I’ll visit her often.”
Elena shakes her head.
My chest becomes tight at her potential rejection. “There’s no point for me to wait for something I know will happen either way. I don’t want to spend another day without you—not anymore with my diagnosis. Whether we start a life in Monaco or London, I only need you. And your grandma because she’s part of the package.”
More tears fall from Elena’s eyes. “Yes.”
I freeze. “Yes, you’ll marry me?”
“Yes. Yes. Yes!” She cups my face with her hands and pulls me down for a kiss. A kiss meant to consume me from the inside out, solidifying my need to keep her forever.
She pulls away. “Yes. Let’s get married!”
“You don’t even want to see the ring first before you agree?”
She drops her head back and laughs. “No. You could offer me a rock from outside and I’d still say yes.”
“I can assure you, it’s a gigantic...rock.”
Her giggle turns into a snort. “Please stop. You’re killing the moment.”
I tug the small box out of my jeans, get down on one knee, and pop open the lid. My hand grips hers in a stronghold. “Elena Gonzalez, I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you, no matter the place, the time, the issues. You’re the hero in our story, willing to stand by my side, no matter how dark the future looks. All I want to do is make you mine, forever and always. No take backs.”
The same three words are inscribed on the inside of the ring because I’m a sappier motherfucker than my two friends. What can I say? She has a way of bringing that out in me.
She smiles at me with unconditional affection. “No take backs, not even a single moment. Not in your darkest time or your hardest day. I’ll love you through it all.”
I slide the ring on her finger. My chest expands at the sight of the solitaire diamond branding her as mine. I stand and tug her hand up to my lips, kissing her ring finger.
I pull my fiancée in for a real kiss, possessively marking her in all the ways I can. To thank her for her love, forgiveness, and acceptance. To kiss away her doubts and show her I want it all.
Hope is for men with their futures ahead of them.
Hope is for those who wish under stars, or in a church, or in a desperate moment of need.
And most of all, hope is for people like me.
Epilogue
Elena
One Month Later
“No peeking.” Jax readjusts the blindfold covering my eyes. He grabs onto my hand and pulls me out of the car carefully. Somehow, I lasted the whole ride from his parents’ house without getting nauseous or scared, seeing as my eyes have been covered the entire time. Darkness doesn’t make me afraid anymore. Not after a month’s worth of therapy sessions and exposures to what I feared the most.
“Where are we?”
“Do you need an answer for everything?”
“Yes. Especially when you’ve stolen me away before I could take a bath.”
Jax laughs. He didn’t give me a chance to ask questions or shower after our sparring match at his parents’ house. My skin hums with anticipation as Jax leads me toward the unknown.
I attempt to use my other senses to get an idea of our location. Grass crunches beneath my sneakers and birds chirp nearby, giving away nothing. What in the world does he want to do with me at night in the middle of nowhere? He lifts me into his arms as he walks up something I assume is a short set of stairs. A door creaks open and plastic rustles under our feet. “Murdering me already after one month of living together?”
“I want to murder myself for agreeing to live with my parents while we figured out our living situation. End of story.”
I snort. “I thought you were happy I chose to move to London?” The moment I told Jax about my idea, he requested a refund for Abuela’s care and set her up to live in the best facility in the city while we temporarily moved into his parents’ house.
“Oh, love, I’m ecstatic. But I think my parents are cramping our style.” Jax halts.
I run into his back, and he steadies me. He helps me sit on some kind of bench before he settles right next to me, his nearness bringing a smile to my face. My heart rate increases as he leaves a lingering kiss on my cheek.
His fingers brush across my lips before tracing a path of heat to the blindfold. I’m met with a vision of Jax smiling at me as he pockets the eye covering.
I blink in confusion at the piano in front of us. A few lit candles provide some light, hinting at a house under construction. “What are we doing in a random deserted house?” My voice echoes through the empty area.
“Let me explain with a song instead.” He runs his hands down the row of keys before the sweet melody of “All of Me” by John Legend fills the air around us.
I smile at him. “I love when you get all romantic on me, even though the location screams more creepy than cute.”
Jax throws his head back and laughs. He misses a beat before picking up the song again. I love when he plays for me, the peace of him getting lost in the music making my eyes cloud from happy tears. Longing grows inside of me as an image of him teaching our kids to play the piano one day hits me. I want to enjoy every memory with this man before his illness steals bits and pieces from him. Every kiss, every tender moment, every fight we have.
A large piece of blue paper spread across the music rack catches my eye.
I lean in closer. “What’s this?” I grab my phone from my pocket and turn on the flashlight.
“Keep looking.”
I flip past the first page of a basic sketch of land. A note at the bottom mentions how the architect needs to include a bowling alley, a movie theater, and a closet with extra space for heels and shoes.
The next page makes me smile. It’s a sketch of the exterior with a patio, firepit, hanging string lights, a pool with a slide and a lazy river, and the layout for a mini-golf course.
The final sketch has water pooling in my eyes. I trace a finger over the colorful drawing of the coolest tree house, with a sign hanging in front labeled The Kingston Kiddos.
I can’t hide the happy tears falling down my face as I remember Jax and me discussing what a future house would look like. He listened to every single idea and had someone draw it up to match our vision.
I wrap my arms and legs around Jax, forcing him to stop playing the song.
His arms squeeze me into him. “I take it you like the plans then?”
“Like them? I love them!” I pull his lips to mine, leaving behind a searing kiss. My toes curl into my sneakers as he kisses me senseless, his hands leaving behind a path of warmth wherever they linger.
He points to a massive window across the room. “The tree house can go over there.” He forces us to face another window, facing the vast forest. “And the pool and firepit over there, next to the course.”
“Are we going to live here? For real?”
