What Happens in France

by What Happens in France (retail) (epub)

  They nodded. Outside, the sky was a perfect cobalt blue and Bryony gazed at it for a moment, calming her nerves. Laura gave the signal and then spoke. ‘Bryony tell me a few fascinating facts about Lewis.’

  ‘I’ve not known Lewis long but during that time I’ve discovered he’s modelled golfing attire on a catwalk and helped murder a bad-tempered chef. When he’s not working as a business web designer, he’s online, playing scrabble with anyone who is willing to take him on.’ She stopped and looked earnestly at Laura who gave her thumbs up.

  ‘Murder?’

  ‘At a murder mystery event. Not in real life. Not that I know of, anyway.’

  ‘Lewis, can you tell us something about Bryony?’

  ‘Bryony is a champion puzzle solver. She puts her heart and soul into every challenge life throws her and she’s faced a few. The biggest is trying to find her sister, Hannah, who ran away from home when she was sixteen. Bryony is desperately trying to locate her because their father is very ill and desperate to see her again.’

  Bryony’s jaw dropped. Had he really just said all that?

  Laura cocked her head. ‘Hannah?’

  ‘Hannah Masters. She left when Bryony was only six and she hasn’t seen her since. If anyone knows Hannah, please tell her to watch the show, and to contact Bryony. She needs you back home.’

  Laura gave a brief nod and moved smoothly on to the next question. ‘Bryony why do you think you and Lewis are a good team?’

  Bryony swallowed hard to keep the tears at bay. She had to win the hearts of the nation. Lewis had given her that opening. ‘We connected from the first moment we met when I discovered him dead in a pantry, then found out he wasn’t dead and chased him around the kitchen with a wooden spoon. We’re both ready for this challenge. And anyone who can wheel me about in a wheelbarrow with a flat tyre and not collapse in a heap afterwards, is the best partner I could wish for.’ It was gushing and too much but it was all she could think of.

  ‘Thank you both.’

  The camera was switched off. Bryony sat in stunned silence as Laura checked the footage. Lewis stood up and walked across to the window.

  ‘That looks good. Thank you both. If you’d like to wait in the dining room, I’ll be there in a short while to explain the first round.’

  ‘Was it okay?’ asked Bryony.

  ‘Super,’ said Laura, waving at Roxanne as she spoke. ‘Next team, please.’

  They passed Jim and Oscar in the hall as they left. There was no time to do anything other than exchange glances with them. Back in the dining room, Bryony opened her mouth to speak. Lewis put a finger to his lips and pointed at the microphone clipped to his shirt. Every word would be heard. She mouthed, ‘Thank you’ and received a small smile. He held up crossed fingers.

  CHAPTER TWENTY ONE

  MONDAY, 24 JULY – MORNING

  With interviews completed, the contestants soon found themselves being addressed again.

  ‘Time for your first challenge. It’s a pretty basic one but will test your communication skills and determination. If you’d like to follow me.’

  The contestants trooped after Laura to the front of the château.

  ‘You’re joking!’ Lewis exclaimed. Lined up on the drive stood three Citroën 2CVs. The first was covered in orange and black zigzags, the second had bright yellow and black panels and the third was covered in fur fabric so it looked like a woolly car.

  ‘You cannot be serious!’ exclaimed Donald in a fair impression of tennis star John McEnroe. ‘There is no way on this planet I’m getting into the woolly one,’ he stated, folding his chunky arms and pouting. ‘It will ruin my macho image.’

  Laura held out three cards to Nicola. ‘Pick a card.’

  Nicola took the middle card, turned it over and read, ‘The 2CV Tabby.’

  ‘Is it that orange one? A tabby cat. At least it doesn’t have ears and whiskers,’ grumbled Donald, taking the key from Laura. ‘But it clashes with my kilt.’

  ‘Jim, your turn.’

  Jim selected one and passed it over to Oscar, who read, ‘The 2CV Bumblebee. Has to be the yellow and black one.’

  ‘That means we’ve got the beautiful furry one,’ said Bryony. She accepted her card. ‘It’s called the 2CV Furby.’

  ‘What does 2CV mean anyway?’ asked Oscar, picking up a prancing Biggie, who was keen not to be left out.

  ‘The 2CV name is an abbreviation for Deux Chevaux Vapeur, “two steam horses”, which is actually a technical legal term from the French tax code,’ explained Jim. ‘The 2CV was designed to fall into the second horsepower tax class. It did not mean that it had only a two-horsepower engine,’ he added.

  ‘So it’s got more poke than a lawnmower,’ said Lewis.

  ‘I think it has a little more “poke”, as you put it, but it’s no Ferrari,’ replied Jim. ‘Or “Fur-rrari”, Lewis.’ He chuckled. ‘It was designed for country roads not grand prix circuits.’

  ‘Jim, you have more knowledge in your brain than there is in an entire series of University Challenge. Is there anything you don’t know?’ Oscar asked, head cocked to one side.

  Jim thought for a second. ‘There’s lots of things I don’t know,’ he mused before adding, ‘yet.’ His shoulders rocked with silent laughter at his quip, making Oscar snigger.

  Laura spoke again. ‘You’ll have fifteen minutes to get used to driving your cars up and down the lane, and then face your challenge. One of each pair will drive. The other will give instructions. The person driving will be blindfolded and completely in the hands of the person directing them along a purpose-built course. The idea of the challenge is to drive to the far side of the course without knocking over the obstacles. For every one of those knocked down, ten seconds will be added to your final time. When you reach the end of the course, the person issuing instructions, must get out of the car and collect a basket of eggs which they are to put in the car boot. You must then both return to the starting point. The driver is to keep on their blindfold until the end of the game when they pass over the finish line. Every egg found broken on arrival will add ten seconds to your time. The winners will be the team who completes the course in the fastest time.’

  Donald rolled his eyes. ‘The horror of it – blindfolded and dependent on Nicola who doesn’t know her left from her right.’

  ‘It’s slightly more complicated than that, Donald,’ said Laura with a smirk. ‘All instructions must be given in French.’

  Oscar let out a horrified squeal. ‘I don’t know many driving commands. What’s French for reverse?’ he asked in a panic. He looked around for help. Bryony came to his assistance.

  ‘Reculer means to retreat.’

  ‘That’ll do. Jim, once we get those eggs, we’ll retreat.’

  ‘Sounds like a good plan.’

  ‘I’ll leave you to work out your strategies and get used to the cars. By the way, they’re all fitted with cameras which will be filming you and I must remind you, you’re wearing microphone packs which are constantly recording you, so no swearing and no cheating! When you’re ready, return here and we’ll head off to the very first What Happens in… France challenge.’

  ‘Are you ready for your chariot, m’lady?’ Lewis asked Bryony. ‘Unless you fancy driving it.’

  ‘I’m more inclined to stroke it and fetch it a saucer of milk or something.’

  ‘I don’t think we’re supposed to feed it before midnight.’

  ‘That’s gremlins not Furbies.’

  ‘Same thing, aren’t they? Hairy and cute but can turn nasty if you don’t look after them properly. Or is that women?’ said Lewis with a wry smile.

  * * *

  ‘You happy with the commands?’ Bryony asked.

  ‘Left is gauche, droit is right, tout droit straight on and recule, reverse. Got it!’

  ‘Great. How’s the car to drive?’

  ‘Beastly.’

  ‘You know they were built with farmers in mind and due to their flexible suspension were exp
ected to cross field with a basket of eggs safely in the boot?’

  ‘So that’s how they came up with this challenge,’ said Lewis.

  ‘I’m guessing the course will be across a field.’

  ‘Really? I thought they might let us loose on the main roads around here. Could be great fun in our blindfolds.’ He grinned.

  ‘Idiot. I meant a field as opposed to a driving circuit.’

  ‘I know what you meant. Just pulling your leg. You looked so serious for a minute.’

  ‘Sorry. It’s become real, hasn’t it? I want to win now and stay on the show.’

  He pointed subtly at his own microphone, reminding her to be careful of what she said. They’d drawn back up outside the château and were lined up with the other cars waiting to follow Laura, Roxanne and Nina who’d jumped into a people carrier, along with some of the crew. It pulled away.

  ‘Allons les enfants de la Patrie,’ Lewis sang.

  ‘You know the French national anthem?’

  ‘Picked it up from watching the European football matches. I only know some of the words to a couple of the national anthems – Germany and Spain.’

  ‘Ha!’

  ‘What do you mean, “ha!”?’ He smirked.

  ‘There are no words to the Spanish national anthem.’

  He beamed at her. ‘Correct Brainy Bryony. Let’s hope that comes up as a question. Got to concentrate now. This little furball requires careful handling.’

  They trundled down the lane and turned onto a main road, flanked by poplar trees, and then beyond them, golden fields of sunflowers bursting into bloom, their huge heads upturned to the brilliant sky. Bryony couldn’t quite believe she was bouncing along in a typically French car taking in such beauty. For a minute she forgot she was participating in a show and lost herself in the stunning countryside as they continued past the sunflowers and climbed a twisting road that afforded panoramic views across endless fields, dotted with rolled hay wrapped in pink and white plastic like giant marshmallows. In the distance stood a town, with a tall church spire poking out from apricot-tiled roofs that glinted in the sunshine; ahead lay hamlets of grey stone-built dwellings each with coloured shutters in hues of green and blue, and as they followed the convoy of strange Citroëns they caught sight of open-mouthed faces peering from windows, marvelling at the small procession. A small dog chased after the black and yellow car in front of them, tail wagging, until called off by a man in blue bib and braces trousers, who acknowledged them with a wave.

  Gradually the houses disappeared from view as the cars snaked upwards through increasingly narrow lanes, lined with tall hawthorn bushes whose branches reached out as if attempting to touch the cars. Finally they peeled off into a vast field, where four more outrageously painted Citroëns were parked. They’d arrived at the venue.

  Ahead was the course, little more than a close-cropped wide path flanked by square hay bales, that twisted and turned and headed down the hill towards a large trestle table, containing seven baskets. At various points along the route stood gaily-painted cardboard cows – the objects to be avoided.

  They clambered out of their car and joined the other contestants, now milling around Laura. She broke off the introductions with some news. ‘Sorry guys, but our host has been held up and won’t be here today. We were hoping he’d be able to chat to you before you got started.’

  ‘Who is our host?’ asked a woman wearing overalls and a scarf tied under her chin.

  ‘I can’t tell you that. It’s a surprise. A very pleasant surprise. Okay, everyone. Time to get back into your cars. We’ll go in order of parking so Declan and Avril, you’ll go first.’ The woman in the scarf nodded in affirmation. ‘Once you complete the course, park back up in the same spot and wait in your vehicles until all the contestants have finished. You all clear on the rules? All drivers must wear blindfolds. Nina is handing those out now. No cheating. The cameras are on you and be careful what you say. When you wear the microphone packs, we can hear everything. This is a family-friendly show and we don’t want to spend all afternoon editing out any bad language. Passengers, you can only use French to instruct your drivers. We’ll time each team but the results won’t be released until tonight during the live segment of the show. Good luck everyone. Remember, lots of energy folks and… enjoy yourselves.’

  Lewis accepted his blindfold and held up a thumb to Oscar as he and Bryony returned to their car, both ignoring Donald who’d put his blindfold on over his ears and was being playfully smacked by his partner. Bryony climbed into the furry 2CV and sat in silence as they watched a fluorescent pink CV bound off from the start line and weave into the first cow. Bryony winced.

  ‘I hope we don’t do that.’

  ‘That’s up to you. All damage inflicted on any cows will be down to your navigation. I’m simply taking orders. Which is rare, so make the most of it.’

  * * *

  With eyes completely covered, Lewis clung onto the steering wheel and pressed the accelerator pedal gingerly. The car lurched forward. Bryony, on the edge of her seat, issued commands steadily and with confidence. Years of teaching had given her the ability to appear calm even when her heart was slapping against her ribcage. The car bounced up and down in the ruts, causing her hair to flop over her face. She brushed it away.

  ‘Tout droit, tout droit, tout droit…gauche!’

  ‘We miss the cow?’

  ‘Oui,’ she replied. ‘Droit, droit.’

  They weaved and stuttered, accelerated and slowed. ‘Gauche. Non! Gauche.’

  ‘Oh la la,’ said Lewis. ‘This is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’m sweating here.’

  ‘Tout droit.’ Another cow was looming up and the course veered to the left. ‘Gauche. Ack! Merde!’

  ‘Did you just swear in French?’ he asked, grinning.

  ‘Oui. Stop!’

  She threw the car door open and scampered towards the last remaining basket of eggs, then charging around to the boot, lifted the lid and placed the basket as far back as she could. Diving back into the passenger seat she began instructing once more, arms waving even though Lewis could see nothing. ‘Recule.’

  The furry CV was turned around and they retraced their journey, hitting the first cow and flattening it.

  ‘I hit it?’ he asked, as they bounced over it.

  ‘Oui. Dead cow.’

  ‘Okay, c’est le moment pour le Plan B,’ he replied. The car sped up.

  ‘Too fast!’ shouted Bryony in horror. ‘The eggs. Gauche! Droit!’ She inched closer to the windscreen to navigate.

  ‘We have to make up time.’

  ‘Tout droit. Slow down.’ She hung onto the door handle as the car bounced up and down and jiggled them from side to side. ‘Lewis!’

  ‘Non.’

  ‘Slow down… cow!’

  They hit the second cardboard cut-out and it toppled over. Lewis kept his foot down and they swerved dramatically to the right then left and made it around the bend without further incident. Bryony screeched commands all the while clinging to the handrail with both hands.

  At last they reached the finish line where Lewis removed his blindfold and dropping both arms onto the steering wheel, placed his head onto them and drew a deep breath.

  ‘Why did you speed up? We nearly collided with every bale of hay there. I thought we were going to end up in the next field. We’ll lose loads of points for hitting the cows and the eggs will be broken.’

  ‘It was the only thing I could do.’

  ‘Really? I thought taking the course steadily and not incurring penalties might be the thing to do. I don’t remember being told to bump into everything we could possibly hit. You almost crushed a cameraman!’ Bryony unclipped her seatbelt and threw him a bewildered stare.

  ‘Trust me,’ he mouthed.

  The fight went out of her in an instant. He’d had a plan, one she’d not been party to. It had been deliberate.

  Laura arrived to check the basket of eggs. ‘One egg broken.
Eight dead cows. We’ll have to add ninety seconds to your time. Nice driving Lewis. If I didn’t know better, I’d say you weren’t wearing a blindfold.’

  ‘I was definitely wearing it, Laura. I might keep it. I obviously drive better with it on than off.’

  Each team was stripped of their microphones and once again the convoy of cars made their way back down towards to the main road. This time the cameras were not watching them.

  ‘Spit it out. What was this great plan of yours,’ said Bryony. ‘I have a right to know, given I almost died in a fur-covered Citroën today.’

  ‘You were safe. I was pretty confident I knew where I was going and I knew you’d yell at me if I steered off course. At worst we’d have hit a hay bale. I’ve got a pretty decent sense of direction, even in a blindfold. I noticed all the other cars before us took it really slowly on the return journey to make sure they didn’t break any eggs, but you told me these cars were designed with exactly that in mind – they have super springy suspension and if farmers could drive over rutted fields and still bring back their eggs safely, I figured we would too, no matter how fast we went. The others were unnecessarily cautious, so as I watched them complete the course, I figured we should go for the opposite tactic – drive as fast as we dare and the eggs would be fine. I knew I’d kill a few cows but even with the penalties added to our time we ought to be in the top three.’

  Bryony studied him. His forehead was still damp with sweat and the make-up on one of his eyebrows had rubbed away. She couldn’t be annoyed given he’d tried so hard. ‘You’re right. I should have realized the eggs would be okay. Thanks for taking a chance, and thanks for what you said this morning at the interview.’

  ‘That’s what being a teammate is all about. You have each other’s backs. Just need the gamble to pay off now.’

  Bryony recognized the lane they’d been up and down earlier that day when they’d first got into the furry Citroën. It led to the château where they were staying. It was already mid-afternoon and they only had three hours until they’d find out who had made it through to the next round. She was counting on Lewis being right.