My half-asleep brain is what I blame for what happened. Our clothes disappeared, and I was rolling on the condom I had snatched out of my pocket before my jeans went flying, then sliding in her before either of us could think. God, she was pure heaven on earth. Sex had never felt so damn good. My cock buried deep in her tight pussy was like falling into straight paradise. Her legs tightened around me as she pushed up and closer to me. I buried my face in her neck, inhaling her scent to burn it to memory. Her nails clawed at my back, but I welcomed the burning pain. Neither of us spoke, only slight moans and grunts were uttered as we lost ourselves in each other.
Her sharp little teeth marked my neck the same as mine did to her. I knew my beard was leaving redness in its wake as it rasped along her milky white skin.
When I felt the edge of ecstasy creeping up my spine, I began thrusting erratically harder, deeper. Her whispered “yes” was all the encouragement I needed, and I exploded as her walls clenched even tighter around me in her own release. As I rained kisses along her shoulder, we rolled together with me still nestled tight in her warmth, as satiated sleep drifted in around us.
My last conscious thought was that I wished things were different and I could keep her forever.
“Something Just Like This”—The Chainsmokers & Coldplay
BRIGHT LIGHT DISTURBED MY closed eyes, causing me to wake, and when I felt the heavy arm over my waist and the large leg thrown over mine, I suffered a momentary panic before I remembered where I was and realized it was Erik’s strong, inked arm holding me—exactly as I had asked him to.
Last night was a bit of a blur, but I remembered most of what happened. I also remembered waking here after an awful dream where the events of the evening had replayed in my head with dream-world distortion. And I remembered Erik being there to console me. Erik… I loved his name.
The man in question was wrapped around me, and I could feel steady puffs of warm air against the back of my neck as he continued to sleep. His warmth cocooning me, I was lulled into a feeling of pure contentment. My mine wandered, and I wondered what it would be like to wake up every morning like this.
It was right about then that it dawned on me we were naked. As jaybirds. Hazy memories of begging him to make me forget the events of the evening slipped in one after the other until I had replayed how he had soothed my fears in the dark of night. Every moment. Every panted breath. Every moan. Every sigh. They may have started out as fuzzy memories, but I remembered. Lord, did I remember.
Oh shit. Closing my eyes in disbelief, I couldn’t believe I had asked that of him. Not that I regretted it, but I knew it wasn’t what he had wanted. Deep down, I knew he only brought me here because he was doing his best to take care of me after I refused to go to the hospital. He would have done it for any of the dancers if that had happened to one of them instead, I told myself.
He also tried to refuse me. Oh God… My eyes clenched tight, nose scrunched, and I pulled my lips between my teeth to prevent myself from moaning aloud in mortification.
Inch by inch, I worked my way out from under his heavy body, thankful beyond belief when he still slept deeply after I sat up on the edge of the bed. Looking around, I found my clothing scattered in the sheets of the bed and on the floor. Embarrassment flooded me once again as I searched on my hands and knees for my bra and underwear. Finding the glittering facets of my bra sparkling from under the bed, I had to wonder how the hell it ended up so far under the damn thing. Chalking my thongs up to a lost cause when I couldn’t find it anywhere, I gathered everything else I could find.
Not wanting to go home in the skimpy-ass, ripped clothing I left the club in, I slipped his T-shirt on that I found at the foot of the bed. It still smelled like his cologne and the leather from his cut. Gathering it tight in my hands and pressing it to my face, I took a deep breath to savor it for just a moment before violating the sanctuary of his laundry room to rummage through his clothes in the dryer where I pulled out a pair of basketball shorts. They hung to my shins and I had to pull the string so tight I looked like I was wearing a full skirt. Damn, Hacker, big much?
Knowing I looked ridiculous, but not giving a single shit, I returned to the bedroom and rummaged through his jeans pocket to find my car keys. Glancing up to ensure he was still out like a light, I breathed a sigh of relief when his eyes were still closed and his breathing still even. Like a psycho stalker, I risked a moment to stare wordlessly at his masculine beauty. God, he made me wish my life was different. He made me wish he was mine—that he wanted to be mine.
Dark lashes fanned across the top of his cheeks, messy hair stuck up in short clumps in every direction, and his beard looked a little wild, as if it needed a trim. Like a god in repose, he was more breathtaking than he had a right to be. Wishing I could see the turquoise blue of his eyes one last time, but at the same time so glad he was sleeping soundly so this didn’t have to be awkward, I grabbed myself by the lady cojones and turned away from him.
Snagging my bag from by the doorway, I kept moving before I changed my mind. Silently, I tiptoed up the stairs and out the front door to make what, to any passerby, would look like the walk of shame to my car. Not that they would be far off from the truth. Thankfully, I didn’t encounter anyone, and I was able to make my escape unnoticed. Dang, the November air was cold on my bare legs, and I wished for a jacket something fierce.
My car started like the little dream she was—now that she had a new battery that is—and I backed slowly out of his driveway, glancing one last time at his house. Nothing stirred in any of the windows, and the rest of the street was like a ghost town. My heart gave a lurch and ached like someone was squeezing it tight in their fist. Blinking away the building moisture in my eyes, I pulled away from the man who had unknowingly become my anchor in the chaotic storm that was my life.
It was too early for anyone to be at the Shamrock, but I dug blindly for my phone in my purse and called to leave a message that I wouldn’t be in tonight or tomorrow. It would put a dent in my budget, but I knew they would understand since I never called in sick, and I’m sure everyone knew what had happened by now.
Shit, I didn’t know if I would ever be able to go back. The thought of never seeing him again released the dam of my tears.
“Gone Forever”—Three Days Grace
I WAS MAD AS a motherfucker when I woke up and she was gone. Knowing it was for the best didn’t help. Foolishly, I had let myself get too attached to her when I knew better. Call me crazy, idiotic… a fool.
Pain under my ass had me raising my hip and reaching under to pull out the offending item. An unbidden smile curled my lips at the tiny slip of satin covered in shimmering, sparkling rhinestones. From a distance, I heard my phone ringing. Rolling out of bed naked, I shamelessly took the stairs two at a time to get to the upper level where I had left it on the counter.
Glancing at the caller on the screen, I answered. “Yeah.”
“Hey, bro, just wanted to check on you and Sparkle. She okay this morning?” Reaper said in greeting. Hollywood must have told him she stayed here. Goddamn, those two gossiped worse than fucking women. They were lucky they were two of my best friends.
“Kassi,” I said absently, flipping a blind out of the way as I looked out the window to verify her car was indeed gone. Though I knew she must have been gone for ages, I still looked to both ends of the street for her. Taking in every detail of my neighborhood in that quick glance, I let the blind snap back into place.
“Huh? Whoa, wait. You’re on a real first-name basis with her? She never once gave any of us the time of day! Ouch, babe, be nice!”
Steph then yelled in the background, “Tell him to mind his own damn business!” before she laughed, and I heard little Wyatt cry. My heart gave a painful jerk at the sound.
“Yes. No. I mean, well, it’s complicated.” Huffing out a breath, I dropped my head.
“Well, I thought I’d let you know Joker and DJ took care of the asshole that fucked with her. He won’t be
pressing charges against you, and he won’t be back in the club. We didn’t involve the fucking cops, but he knows better than to open his mouth or the video surveillance from the club will mysteriously turn up at the mayor’s office and at the news stations. Come to find out he’s on the fucking city council, so he for sure doesn’t want that shit getting out. Stupid little prick.” Rustling and cooing confirmed he was with his family. Fuck, I couldn’t take much more of that, so I had to let him go.
“Thanks, man. I’ll be in touch. I got some shit to take care of before I go in tonight. You need anything, let me know. Later.” I couldn’t get off the phone fast enough.
“You too, man. Later.” Ending the call, I headed to my room to shower and get my ass in gear. Her scent still lingered on my skin like ambrosia, and I knew I needed to scrub it away if I had any hopes of moving on and getting through my day.
Walking into the Shamrock, I found the early crowd was already in place around the stage. Fuckers had no life. Jesus.
Climbing onto the end barstool, I noticed Bo headed my way with the bottle of Crown Black and a short glass. By now, he knew me well.
“Hey man, Sparkle okay? When I got the message she called in, Arnie was pissed. God, he’s such an asshole. Shit, I run this place more than he does lately, but he wants to bitch me out because she’s the biggest draw and she won’t be here. For one, like I can help that, but more importantly, she was attacked last night, right fucking here.” He shook his head in disgust, and his sandy braid swung back and forth.
“She called in?” Knowing I wouldn’t be seeing her tonight made my chest tighten. Not that I was surprised, but I figured she would at least call or text me after last night. Guess that was my answer. She didn’t want dick shit to do with me. Not that she hadn’t warned me and not that I needed her kind of complication in my life. Regardless, I wanted to check on her, but I also didn’t want to push her or fuck with her since she made it clear where we stood when she left without a note or even a “fuck you” this morning.
He leaned onto the bar. “Yeah. Left a message calling off tonight and tomorrow. I called her back to tell her no worries, and that’s when Arnie heard. He came in to grace me with his fat-ass presence long enough to sign the paychecks then waddle out. Lazy fuck.” He snorted in derision. “He grabbed the phone and told her if she isn’t here Friday, she’s fired. I tried to call her back after he left to tell her to disregard, but just got her voice mail.”
“Fuck. We need to fire his ass. Next church I’ll bring up offering you the manager position. You’re doing it already. Not to mention, it would be a great pay raise for you.” I sipped my Crown. Worry for Kassi ran laps in my head. Just to make sure she made it home okay, I had driven past her apartment on the way. When I saw her car parked there, I just kept my ass moving. Now I half wished I had stopped.
Bo laughed. “Shit, you get that approved and, hell yeah, I’ll be your manager. In a heartbeat.” Nodding my chin to him, he pushed off from the bar and went to help the customer flagging him down. As I continued to nurse my Crown, I mentally listed all the reasons I needed to leave her the fuck alone. The number one reason being, the last thing I needed in my life was a woman.
That hadn’t ended so well for me last time.
“Whataya Want From Me”—Adam Lambert
AFTER ARNIE THREATENED TO fire me if I didn’t show up the next week, I forced myself to go back to work. Driving myself crazy, I went through our budget a million different ways trying to see if I could stretch my little bit of savings to cover us until I could get a job as a nurse. It would have been ridiculously tight, and there were just too many variables that could push us to the point of destitution. So, I continued to shake my fucking ass in front of the nasty scum that inhabited the Shamrock.
Yeah, I was fed up.
Honestly, it was the nicest strip club for miles with the best working conditions, but let’s face it, the regular clientele were still usually creeps. Getting close to graduation and the end of my tunnel was leaving me feeling frustrated and unable to separate myself and utilize Sparkle. I hated that Hacker was able to just write me off and wouldn’t even acknowledge me, despite still covering the MC’s Friday, Saturday, Sunday night shift like clockwork.
He looked like he had been losing sleep, but I told myself I didn’t care and it served him right.
Right there was another stressor on my plate. My stupid ass fell in love with someone who didn’t give a shit about me. Numerous times I had asked myself if that was possible. Could I truly love him after the short time we’d spent together? Despite telling myself he wasn’t worth it and I knew the lay of the land when we hooked up, I really thought he might actually be a little bit interested in me. Especially after the last time, when he was so caring and sweet to me after my attack. Over four weeks later and he hadn’t said one word to me. Not a single word. Asswipe.
Granted, I never saw him with another woman. Even when the waitresses and other dancers flirted with him, he treated them with what appeared to be total indifference. Sometimes he was there with the black-haired, drop-dead-gorgeous Joker, sometimes with DJ, the handsome young prospect, sometimes with Hollywood, Reaper, or Gunny. But never with a female. At least he hadn’t lied about not doing relationships. Well, unless he just didn’t ever bring her, which, duh, that would make sense. How many guys brought their old ladies to the strip club?
You know what? Fuck it. Maybe I wouldn’t wait for him to make the first move. Maybe he was waiting for me to make the first move, and there we both were sitting on our hands, wasting time. Chewing on my bottom lip nervously, I asked Bull to get him to come backstage and to tell him it was important.
“Sure thing, cookie. I’ll go grab him.” Watching Bull walk toward Hacker had my stomach churning. Damn, was I doing the right thing? Well, too late. I was going to get to the bottom of this so maybe we could leave the past behind us and work on a future. My body sensed his nearness before he even reached me. His broad shoulders shrugged through the backstage door, and his blue eyes met mine. My fingers ached to touch him. Feel the bristle of his short beard rasp across my chest. Oh God.
“Hey. Bull said you needed me for something important. Everything okay? Someone fucking with you?” There was a brief flash of anger before his cool mask of indifference slipped into place.
“No, it’s nothing like that.” My teeth were terrorizing my lip, and my hands were wringing so hard I was afraid I would break my own fingers. Shit. “Hacker, I can’t take this. What the hell? After the first time, you were so sweet and alluded to there possibly being a next time with us, so then we ended up fucking like sex was going out of style, and then nothing. Then you rescued me, and we… well, I started thinking maybe we had something, but then you ignore me for weeks. You’re tearing me to pieces. I….” God, this was harder than I thought. “Umm, look… I….” I blew out a frustrated breath. Spit it out for God’s sake, Kassi!
Stepping closer to him, I tentatively reached a hand out to his face. My fingers blazed with heat as soon as I touched him, sending licking flames of desire through every molecule of my being. My lips parted in surprise at the feeling, and he stepped closer, cupping my head in his strong hands before kissing me. The inferno within us exploded, and our bodies pressed tight together. My fingers clenched his shoulders before moving to grip his biceps. My tongue tangled and twisted with his, the passion building between us like a fury. He pulled loose and bit the tendon of my neck, marking me as he ravaged any part of me he could reach.
Our hands wandered and gripped. My nails scored his back as I held tight to his rippling muscles. I didn’t even remember moving them under his shirt and leather cut. He pressed his erection tight to my clit, and it only took us grinding like high school kids for me to reach a blinding climax. White flashes exploded in my vision as my empty pussy clenched over and over, wishing he was buried deep inside me.
My voice was breathless, my words broken as I tried to come back down from the clouds he had lifte
d me up to with his skilled body.
“Holy shit. That was… oh my God.” Words escaped me as I tried to gather my wits from where they’d scattered. “Hacker, I tried not to. Fuck, I tried. But, well… I care about you. Deeply. Like maybe to the point where I—” He didn’t let me finish before his face hardened and his hand slipped over my mouth, silencing my words.
He untangled my leg from his waist and stepped back, putting cold, unwanted space between us. His eyes closed tight, and his mouth pressed into a firm line before uttering the words that would cripple me.
“I didn’t contact you? Phones work both ways, you know.” The look on his face told me he realized his mistake because I had tried to contact him. “But it doesn’t really matter.” He shook his head and looked upward as if looking for divine intervention.
“Erik. I… I love you,” I whispered, desperate for him to not let us go.
“God, Kassi, don’t. Please don’t. I thought we were on the same page here. Never did I mislead you. In fact, I explicitly told you I didn’t do relationships, and you said you were good with that. You knew it would just be sex for us. You can’t go changing the rules after we agreed.” His voice had gotten louder with each word. Then he took a deep breath and continued in a softer tone, caressing my face with one large hand. “Kassi… you’re smart, beautiful, and fun to be around. But I told you, if you’re looking for wine, roses, and the white dress, baby, that’s not me. I’m not that man. And I never will be. You deserve someone to sweep you off your feet. Don’t settle for less.” His hand left my face, and just the loss of that brief, simple contact was like being swallowed by an arctic blast.
He stood there looking at me for a fleeting second before he shook his head, in disgust or frustration, and walked away.
Erik's Absolution Page 9
