Erik's Absolution

by Kristine Allen

  So, I prayed—for his survival, the future, and my heart.

  As my sobs tapered off to sniffles and hiccupped breaths, Hunter tipped my face up to gently place his lips to mine. But for the first time since we had become a couple, I felt like I was cheating… cheating on him, cheating on Erik, and cheating on my heart. So I tucked my head down to break away from the kiss. My chest felt devoid of all vital organs. Empty and aching.

  “I’m okay.” Inhaling a deep but unsteady breath before raising my gaze to his was one of the most difficult things I’d done all night. My mind was scrambled, and I couldn’t string my thoughts together, so I stood with his assistance and started back toward the ED.

  Entering through the sliding doors into the bright lights of the hospital, my knees nearly buckled when I looked down and saw the bloody handprint wrapped around my arm. It was perfectly clear, as if someone had shoved their hand in dark-red paint and slapped their handprint on my forearm. It was a garish and violent reminder of the hold he still had on me.

  My eyes were riveted to it as Hunter guided me to the scrub sink to wash it off. He gently scrubbed it, the foam turning pink as he continued to work the dried blood loose. When the hysterical laughter bubbled forth from my throat, he looked at me in concern. That was when the shaking started. Violently, my entire body erupted in tremors.

  Without warning, I leaned forward and vomited into the sink. My stomach continued to heave until it felt like it was turning itself inside out. Hunter held my hair back and wiped my face with a cold rag handed to him by Jenny, the charge nurse for the night.

  “Hunter, maybe you should drive her home,” she offered. “She looks awful, and I’m starting to worry about the baby. Tabitha is on her way in, so I can spare the two of you for a bit, but if you can make it back, that would be great.” The second half she whispered, and it barely registered as I continued to shake and stare at the stain still visible on my arm.

  Mouth slightly slack, I stood transfixed by the stain and the sight of the pink foam that remained in the sink mixed with the contents of my stomach, and I felt heaves building again.

  “Fuck, Kassi, come on, baby. Breathe. Here, sit down for a minute and take a drink.” Wordlessly, I obeyed, drinking hesitantly from the paper cup, every motion stiff and unemotional. “Look at me, baby.” At the back of my mind, I knew I was breaking down and would crumple soon if I didn’t do something, but I couldn’t make my mind and body sync. “Look at me!” It took him physically lifting my face with his two hands cradling it for me to see him.

  “Let’s go home, okay, baby?” Still mute, I vacantly nodded as he took my hand and led me toward the doors. Jenny stood with me as he went to get his truck, rubbing her hand on my back in a motherly manner meant to comfort. If only it were that easy.

  The big truck rolled up to the curb, and he ran around to open my door. He and Jenny helped me heft my significant bulk up into the seat. She must have grabbed my bag because she handed it to him, and he stored it in the back seat. Warm lips brushed against my cheek after he buckled me in.

  Our trip home was silent, but I noticed his frequent glances in my direction.

  We arrived at my house in what seemed like mere minutes, and he was bustling me inside and into the bathroom. He started the tub and gently sat me on the closed toilet. Shoes off, he undressed me with practiced and gentle hands.

  Before I knew it, I was standing nude and he had shut off the water. He knelt at my feet and kissed my stomach before looking up at me, his green eyes full of worry. Gently, he guided me into the tub, where I slouched chin deep in the hot bath water.

  The shock was beginning to wear off, and I felt the silent tears track down my cheeks and drip into the now warm water.

  “Kassi, I’ve never seen you respond like this to a trauma. Baby, we’ve dealt with cases worse than that and you held your shit together. Do you think it’s the baby? Hormones and all? Maybe you need to think about taking some vacation time until the baby is born.” He sounded so worried as he spoke and wiped my tears away with his thumb. It was a hopeless gesture, however, because they ran like rain, stream after stream down my face.

  “I don’t have that much time saved, and I’ll need it after he’s born.” My whispered reply ended in a soft sob.

  “Fuck.” He ran his hand through his hair, causing it to stand up in crazy directions. “Okay, well, I need to go let Matt know what’s up. Then I need to head back to work. I wish I could stay. Are you gonna be okay in here by yourself?” Absently, I nodded, pulling my gaze from the water to glance up at him with a quivering bottom lip.

  The press of his lips on my cheek as he moved to stand pulled me out of my daze. My dripping wet hand shot out of the water and grasped his wrist in a death grip.

  “Thank you.” It was all I could manage, but he understood.

  “Anytime, baby, anytime. I’ve got you and little man. Okay?” My tearful eyes lifted to where he now crouched by the side of the tub. His concerned expression morphed into his signature smile, and he softly buried his fingers in my hair. Untangling them seconds later, he stood.

  “Hunter, can you see if you can find out if he… umm, you know, that trauma patient, can you see if he made it?”

  “Yeah, of course. I’ll see what I can do.” He kissed the crown of my head and exited the bathroom, shutting the door with a soft snick of the latch.

  Sliding down further, I completely submerged my head, eyes open, looking at the distorted shape of my belly through the rippling water. In that moment, my feisty little man gave a massive kick before somersaulting around inside me. This little pint-sized munchkin was going to be tough like his daddy.

  His daddy.

  He’s gonna make it. He will be fine. I kept telling myself these things over and over in hopes that my positive thoughts, hopes, and beliefs would actually make it happen.

  Sleep eluded me. For hours, I tossed and turned, my mind constantly running circles. Hunter hadn’t called to give me any updates on Erik’s condition. Of course, I feared the worst, but prayed for the best. A ripple through my stomach followed by a foot to my ribs had me adjusting again. It was as if even my little man knew something was terribly wrong. Rubbing my belly in an attempt to soothe my little acrobat, I felt my eyes finally get heavier. Just as sleep crept in, a large hand slid around my abdomen and Hunter’s warm body spooned up behind me.

  Desperate for answers, I woke and turned my cumbersome body over to look him in the eye. The room was dark, with just the hint of daybreak slipping around the curtains.

  “Hey, I thought you were sleeping. I’m sorry. I tried to be quiet when I came in because I didn’t want to wake you. How are you feeling?” His voice was quiet and tired.

  “Honestly, I haven’t slept more than maybe thirty minutes all night. It seems I’m not alone in my need for sleep. You sound exhausted. I’m so sorry I fell apart and left you to deal with the shift on your own.” Our hands met and fingers twined. Asking about Erik was on the tip of my tongue, but I held back.

  “No more traumas, and Tabitha came in, so we were okay staff-wise. It was just a steady onslaught of spring sniffles and snuffles. Why the hell people wait until the middle of the night to come in or bring their kids in, I have no damn clue. Fucking idiots, let your kid sleep.” A huff of breath followed his mini rant.

  Unable to stand it any longer, I tried to make my question sound normal and basic curiosity. “Did you ever hear anything about the guy from the motorcycle? He was in rough shape.” The words were bitter on my tongue, and I felt nausea churn in me.

  “It didn’t look good. Turns out the poor fucker wasn’t wearing a helmet, so he had multiple cranial lacerations and a possible fractured skull on top of a possible broken fibula, some cracked ribs, multiple lacerations, and a fucking gunshot wound that hit an artery. The blood loss wasn’t from the crash like we thought. Some dumbass was probably poaching and shot the guy while he was on his bike, making him wreck. He was in critical condition last I heard. Suc
ks for him, huh?” Though I knew he didn’t mean to sound so callous, the words sliced me open. The pain in my chest made it hard to breathe.

  In fact, the pain doubled me over. Suddenly, the pain shot through my back to my belly like I had been skewered. My agonized scream preceded the rush of warmth between my legs.

  Something was wrong. My mind knew it, but the pain was excruciating, and I couldn’t make sense of it. I barely registered Hunter’s worried shouts.

  “Kassi! Jesus, Kassi, fuck!” He had pulled the covers back, but I couldn’t leave the fetal position I curled into. It hurt so damn bad.

  Vaguely, I heard him rattling off my address.

  “Yes… I don’t know… Possible placental abruption? … Approximately thirty-two weeks… Possible preeclampsia… God, please hurry.” His words faded in and out.

  “My baby!” It took a moment to realize the bloodcurdling scream had been me. Sobs mingled with sharp, vicious pain and shortness of breath. “God, please no, please no!” If I lost both Erik and my baby, I would die. Even though I didn’t have Erik, he had my heart. I was a fool for pretending otherwise. Now, it was too late for us and maybe too late for his son.

  The next thing I knew, someone was asking my name and if I could tell them what had happened. Words were more than I could manage. Hunter held tight to my hand as the EMTs carefully loaded me on the stretcher. My vision was blurry, and everything seemed to move so fast. My screaming must have woken Matt, because he touched my face and told me he was following in the car and he would be there for me.

  Poor Hunter must have nearly lost his hand, I was squeezing it so tight. I’m not sure if I blacked out or if I just lost track of time, because one minute they were bumping me up into the ambulance and the next I was in a bed in what I assumed was Labor and Delivery. They had the monitors hooked up, and there were nurses, doctors, and respiratory staff quietly rushing around the room. Everyone seemed so calm compared to the panic in my head.

  “My baby!” No less than eight heads turned my way. With everyone being so calm, I thought we were too late. Just when the frantic terror started to seep through the cracks of my fragile sanity, there was a massive shift and ripple in my belly.

  Shaking like a crashing diabetic, my hands gently spanned the mound that was my world. The relief at feeling him move was indescribable. My eyes searched for Hunter in the organized chaos. He had been talking to Dr. Porter over by the door but was moving quickly toward me after he heard my shout.

  “Shh, Kassi, it’s okay. You have a partial placental abruption. Everything seems stabilized and the baby looks good. Dr. Porter wants to keep you for a couple of days just to be sure everything stays manageable, especially with the concern for preeclampsia on top of this. Your BP has been elevated since the ambulance ride over. She said she’ll be back in a few minutes to talk to you. The best thing you can do is relax.” Deep down, I knew he had just given me a rehearsed nurse-to-patient spiel. Something wasn’t quite right, and I could see it in his eyes.

  “What else?” The question came out as a harsh demand, and I instantly felt bad for being shitty with him.

  His head dropped slightly, and I knew I was right.

  “What. Else?”

  “Shit. Dr. Porter could explain this better if you could just wait.” His green eyes pled with me to wait, but I wasn’t going to. Nope. Not happening. This was my baby and I wanted to know what we were up against. I wasn’t stupid. Since taking the job in the ED, I’d already had two patients with placental abruptions come through. One little baby boy made it; the little girl wasn’t so lucky.

  My stomach chose that moment to tighten in a painfully sharp vice.

  “Dammit! Oh my God!” Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the nurse look at the fetal heart monitor strip, look at Hunter, then whisper to another nurse who looked at the strip, then me, then Hunter before rushing out the door. Oh, she tried to make it look casual, but I knew those tricks.

  The pain slowly subsided as the first nurse stepped to the foot of the bed and began transforming the bed as she explained she was just going to check me. Check me, my ass.

  It seemed the tightness was returning. It was damn close to the last one. My body broke out in a cold sweat, and in no time, my hair stuck to the sides of my face and neck. Jesus, that hurt! Panting breaths were all I could manage.

  “Fuck, this hurts!” After my outburst, my teeth gritted, and I screamed through my clenched jaw. The nurse, who had been quietly checking my hooha under the blanket, looked up at me from between my knees. She was so short, I could barely see her over my protruding belly. What I did notice was she had on the prettiest lemon-yellow scrub top.

  “Ms. Donahue, when your next contraction starts, I want you to bear down and push.” Say what?

  “No! It’s too early! He has to stay in longer! Wait and are you a doctor?” My hands gripped the side rails as my head came up from the bed. Hunter held a cool rag to my forehead, and I shook him away. A primitive growl escaped my throat as the next contraction rushed over me. By this time my head was pounding, and I knew it was partially due to my elevated blood pressure.

  “Okay! Push, push, push!” Knowing I looked like shit, but not give a single fuck, I continued to growl as my body developed a mind of its own. They don’t tell you any of this in nursing school, nor pregnancy and birthing classes, but I was pretty sure I knew what possession felt like in that moment.

  Pushing like my and my baby’s very lives depended on it, which they might, I felt a rush between my legs, and the nurse looked shocked as amniotic fluid covered that lemon-yellow top but for only a split second before she went right back to coaching. My brain was all out of whack, but I remembered thinking, at some later date, I may laugh about how funny she looked soaked in amniotic fluid mixed with blood. However, it wasn’t until that later moment that I realized I should have been worried when she had me pushing, 1) without the doctor present, and 2) without properly gowning up.

  What did register at the time was that there was way more blood than I felt there should have been in that “gush.”

  “What the hell is going on? Hunter! What is going on? I’m a fucking nurse! I’m not stupid! Tell me!” My screams were torn from my body. Thankfully, before he could issue more empty platitudes, Dr. Porter came in. Always calm in the face of wild tigers, aka pregnant moms, she pulled up a rolling stool and sat between my legs, which were bared by then. Great, now my hooha was out there for God and everyone to see.

  Fucking hell, why is the room wobbly?

  “Hey, Kassi. You just couldn’t wait for this little guy to be here, could you?” Distorted visions of my OB doctor were coming in and out of focus.

  “Doc?” My enormous abdomen chose that moment to tense up into the most painful squeezing pressure I had ever experienced in my life, and I felt like there was a watermelon trying to squeeze through my pelvic floor. Like a concrete watermelon. With no give. What. So. Ever.

  “Fuuuuuuuuuckkkk!” The expletive ground out of my clenched jaw.

  “Okay, Kassi, listen to me. His head is right here. I think we can get him safely here without jumping the gun and rushing for a cesarean, but you need to work with me. You need to push, Momma. Are you following me?” The words were slightly muffled, and I was so damn tired. Despite that, I felt my head nod an affirmative answer. “Okay, good. Push! There you go! Push! Push! Push! Push!”

  “Stop yelling at me!” this crazed beast inside me shrieked at the doctor. But hell if I didn’t push, push, push, push, just like she told me to. Exhaustion was creeping in, but the pain was awful. Biting my tongue not to scream Erik’s name, I tasted the metallic tang of blood.

  “There you go! His head is out!” There were softly spoken words next. Suction… warmer… ready… CareFlight… NICU standby… They all ran together. The mush in my head tried to sort through the words to get them to make sense, but it was a losing battle.

  Lips pressed to my temple. Hunter? No…

  “Erik?” For a mom
ent, he was there. Turquoise eyes beaming with love and pride for our son.

  “Kassi! Come on! Pay attention! Push, Momma! Now!” In a way, time stood still; in another, it seemed to be moving at light speed. Suddenly, a tiny little naked being was laying on my chest. He was so little, and he didn’t look like he was breathing. Suddenly he was gone. A flash of him in a plastic box. Nurses nearly running behind him as he shot out the door.

  “No. Don’t take him. Please? God. No. Please.” My shout slipped out in a mere whisper. It was impossible to reach for him, like I was trying to tell my arms to move but they weren’t getting the message. So damn tired.

  My head lolled to the side, the effort to hold it upright suddenly just too much.

  “Kassi! Baby!” Hunter was so damn far away. Why?

  What the hell was happening? No answers were forthcoming from anyone around me. Hunter was pushed back against the wall as the room filled with so many nurses. Why didn’t we get this many nurses on shift at once down in the ED? That wasn’t fair…. Then, I could’ve sworn Erik was in the room. Erik, we had a baby boy. I named him after you. I love you….

  “Prayers for the Damned” – Sixx:A.M.

  KASSI’S BEAUTIFUL SMILE LIT up the room. Her fingers slid along my shoulder, up my neck, and into my hair before our lips melded. Pulling her close, we rolled until I was half over her, our legs entwined, our hearts beating as one. Fuck, I didn’t know how I was lucky enough to have her, but I wasn’t squandering this moment for anything.

  “Don’t leave me again.” Her words were whispered in my ear as my lips and teeth found her neck.

  “Never. Never again.” My promise was made. Sacred. True.

  As our clothes melted away, I felt the heat of her skin against mine. It was as if every surface of our skin touched and burned with licking flames of desire. She surrounded me, and me her.