Erik's Absolution

by Kristine Allen

  Deep down, I knew I should end things with Hunter because I doubted I could ever love him the way I loved Erik. It was so unfair to him, almost like stringing him along. Would I eventually come to hate him because he wasn’t the one my heart craved? Would he grow to resent me because I could never return the depth of his love? Maybe that could change with time. People grew to love each other all the time.

  I just felt so confused. Hunter was a sure thing and had already proven he would be there for me. Erik was a wild card. He’d already shown me he wasn’t the relationship type, and we had yet to see how much he would truly be in Sebastian’s life. But God did we have passion together. Explosive. Burning. Consuming passion. Did a person ever get that more than once in a lifetime?

  “Hey, you don’t need to convince me. As long as you aren’t trying to fuck my boy over, I’m good, and I’ve never gotten that vibe from you. I always liked you, and I really thought you would be good for him. For the record, I’m actually sorry y’all didn’t click like I hoped you would.” His lips tipped up at the corners in a sad excuse for a smile. For a second, I enjoyed his simple male beauty. Not that he held a candle to Erik’s ruggedly handsome and sexy good looks. Erik was beautiful on an earthy level that spoke to my soul. He was like a sculpted Greek god. All chiseled lines and striking features. Beautiful to behold, but too much to touch, evidently.

  Yep, Erik sure had handsome friends. But as they say, birds of a feather….

  “Joker? Why are you here telling me all of this?” The tips of my fingers just touch his shoulder.

  “I don’t really know. My brain’s not working right, I’m so fucking brain-dead. I guess I thought I could come in here and tell you about all the shit he has endured, but then I realized those weren’t my stories to tell. I thought if you understood him better, maybe you and he could work things out. He’s my brother. More than anything, I want to see him happy and free in his heart. I want to see him get the good things he deserves in life. That’s fucked up of me to want to mess up shit with you and your old man, though. Now I feel like a meddling old woman, and I wish I would’ve just kept my damn mouth shut.” He hung his head before he raised his gaze to mine. His turbulent, stormy eyes tired.

  “You seem like you’re stretching yourself thin, being here nonstop. Get some rest. Things will be okay. You’re right, Erik and I have a lot to discuss, but your boy is safe with me. I won’t burn him. Especially not concerning our son. All I wanted was for him to want and love our son because he’s his. That’s all. Well… I mean, yeah, I had hopes once upon a time of him realizing he’s crazy about me, but that ship has sailed, and I’m learning how to move on. Go get some rest, Joker.” His hand reached up to his shoulder where my fingers rested on the worn, gray plaid flannel and clasped my hand in his.

  “You take care, Kass. You’re right, I’m going to go to bed early tonight, get some sleep. Thanks for letting me ramble. I’ll try to stop by to see you again tomorrow.” With those parting words, he stood and left my room.

  As I lay there listening to his footsteps recede down the hall, I couldn’t help but mull over everything Joker had said. Biting my bottom lip and worrying it between my teeth, I watched the slowing activity out in the hall. The clerk had her back to me where she was positioned at her desk at the nurses’ station. The nurses all appeared to be off doing patient care, as they weren’t near the desk.

  An idea began to take shape in my head. Carefully, I put on my oh-so-beautiful hospital socks. On top of the covers, mind you, ’cause, yeah, that nasty shit wasn’t going between the sheets. Then I set about untethering myself. Being a nurse, it was easy to pause my IV fluids and disconnect the lines from the port. Ever so gently, I climbed from my bed and drop the portable monitoring device into the pocket of my gown. Ohhh, that thing is kinda heavy… That’s what she said. Can’t lie, I giggled at my own humor.

  Of course, I knew I wasn’t supposed to be out of bed, but desperate times called for desperate measures. Whatever, I felt desperate. Really desperate.

  Taking tentative steps toward the doorway, I peeked out into the hallway. The coast was clear. Moving into ninja-stealth mode, I snuck out into the hall. It was hard to move cautiously but quickly when your body had been beat to hell from the inside out and you were probably still down a few quarts. Figuratively speaking. Not getting out of bed for much, combined with my body healing, had my legs shaking like a new colt’s by the time I took a last look around and slipped into his room, quietly closing the door. Grabbing my lip with my teeth, I turned around and tried to bolster my courage. God, please don’t let this be a big mistake.

  He lay sprawled out in the bed, dwarfing it with his bulk. Those thick, dark lashes fanned across the top of his cheeks, and his lips were parted slightly. My knees nearly gave out, and I wasn’t sure if it was from exhaustion from the ridiculously short walk from next door, or because seeing him brought back all the feelings I had for him. It made my heart literally ache to see him so close. Why, oh why, had I been so foolish as to fall in love with this man? We barely knew each other. In the big scheme of things, some may say it was insane.

  Moving slower to ensure my stability, I inched my way quietly to the bed. Glancing at the clock, I tried to gauge how long I had before one of the nurses came looking for me. Shit. Not long.

  There was no help for it, I had to sit. So, I gently lowered myself to the chair next to him. For costly minutes, I rested my chin on my knuckles where they were curled around the bedrails. My eyes followed the line of his face, down the strong column of his throat, cataloging every bruise, scrape, and gauze-covered area.

  Heart beating so hard I feared the sound would draw the nurses in, I reached tentatively for his hand. My fingertips barely grazed over the back of his hand, tracing the veins and the lines of the ink that reached down from under the Kerlix gauze. The knuckles of his hand were abraded, and I was so preoccupied following my finger’s pathway along the backs of his hand, it didn’t register with me that his breathing had changed until he brought in a shaky breath when my fingers entwined with his and my lips touched his fingers.

  Startled, my eyes swiftly darted up to his face. He was just lying there watching me. Quiet. Unmoving. As if I was a wild bird he was afraid of scaring off. Forgetting how much the color of his eyes took my breath away, I was quickly reminded as they remained steadfast, trained on me. As I sat upright, he whispered, “No, don’t go. Please.”

  “Erik….” The frog that took up residence in my throat caused my voice to sound like I’d screamed at a Metallica concert all night. Clearing my throat, I looked away from his mesmerizing gaze. “How are you feeling?”

  “You know… a little like hammered shit.” The chuckle that escaped the lips I remembered in vivid detail and technicolor was followed by a groan as he held his ribs with his right hand. “Jesus, and it hurts just to laugh.”

  “What the hell happened to you? I’ve ridden with you, and you’re a damn good rider. All we heard was it was a motorcycle accident and no other vehicle was involved. Well, other than Joker was with you, but Hunter said he heard you had been shot? Did they find out who did it?” When Hunter’s name came out of my mouth, I watched his expression harden.

  “Honestly, I have no clue. Kass, that’s the last of my worries. How is my… fuck… my son? Damn, Kass, you’ve got to give me a few to get used to the idea. Can you understand how hard it is for me to wrap my head around this?” His expression was that of a lost boy before he took his hand and scrubbed his face with it.

  “He’s good. He’s lost some weight, but they said that was normal at first. He’s so tiny, Erik. But he’s so perfect.” I couldn’t help it. Tears welled in my eyes at the thought of how close I came to losing him. “They told me he’s a fighter. The NICU nurses call him the ‘miracle baby.’” My words warbled a little through my tears.

  “I want to see him so fucking bad, but I can’t even get out of bed myself. I’m going to figure something out. Anyway, how are you doing? J
oker gave me a brief overview, but are you doing okay now?” Trying to figure out what was important to tell him, my breath exhaled in a rush.

  “Erik, I really don’t have a lot of time. I’m sure I’m not supposed to be in here, I snuck in while no one was looking. I’m good as can be expected. Let’s leave it at that. Okay? So, I don’t know what Joker told you, but his name is Sebastian… Sebastian Erik. I, umm, I hope you don’t mind.” There went my teeth chewing the hell out of my bottom lip.

  “Mind? Are you serious right now? Of course I don’t. Except, if you could go with Erickson for his middle name, you would make my mom one happy grandma.” His attempt at humor relaxed me. Obviously, he picked up on my nervousness.

  That was another thing I hadn’t even considered. Sebastian had grandparents. Erik had never really talked a lot about them, just that they lived in Grantsville and he had siblings. Which of course meant Sebastian had aunts, uncles, and cousins—besides Matt, that is.

  “Your name is Erikson?” I smiled. “I had no idea. Yeah, okay. That would be perfect. Umm, in all honesty, I just wanted him to have your name, so whatever you prefer for the middle name is good. Well, you know, within reason. But look, it won’t be long before the nurses come looking for me… I just needed to talk to you about what you wanted to do. I mean… shit, this is awkward.” My eyes closed, and my forehead rested on the bed railing.

  “Hey. He’s my son. Of course I want to be part of his life. No, that’s not true. I want to be his father. I want to help raise him. I’ll be there for whatever you need. You can count on me, Kassi.” His voice sent chills across my skin. “And I’m so very sorry for what Gretchen did. She had no right. I feel sick when I think of what you could have done. If you had—”

  “Don’t. Don’t say it. First, I need you to know I didn’t plan on any of this. We were safe on multiple levels. My pregnancy was pretty good, all in all, but I still almost lost him. Yet, he’s here. He’s tiny, but he’s thriving. I don’t know what it is, but he has a purpose, or he wouldn’t be here today. Not with all those odds against him. I love him so much I can’t hardly contain myself near him. Amplified emotions nearly overwhelm when I’m near him. I can’t wait for you to see him. Yes, I’m pissed as hell about what that witch did. But I can’t carry that hate in my heart and have room for all the love that little boy deserves. We’ll figure this out. You just get better, and we’ll figure this out together.” My lips curved into a sad smile. It almost hurt to look at him knowing we would never be together. He would never be mine.

  “Yes, we will.” He sighed and looked away from me. “Joker told me I would need to be on my best behavior with your old man. As long as he doesn’t try to take my place in my son’s life, we have no beef, and I’ll let him be. But I promise you…” His eyes returned to mine and they were resolute. “I will never let anyone come between me and my son. Ever.”

  “Oh, Erik, he would never do that. I would never do that.”

  “Are you happy?” His question caught me off guard.

  “What?”

  “Are. You. Happy? Does he make you happy? Please tell me he is good to you and he makes you happy.” The words were a whispered plea.

  “Yes. He is. When I said he was a good person, I meant it. He… he loves me. And he loves Sebastian.” The tone of my voice matched his. Words spoken softly, whispered as a plea for him to believe me.

  “You didn’t answer my question.” Those blue-green eyes bore into me.

  Before I could say anything further, there was movement by the door and a woman with white blonde hair and dark brown eyes appeared. She looked incredibly out of place in a hospital, dressed in designer clothing and heels that looks like they cost more than my rent.

  “Erik! Oh my God, Erik.” Her hands covered her full red lips, and her chocolate eyes glittered with tears. She took a step in the room before rushing to his bedside.

  “Umm, who are you?” Confused, I asked her what was swirling in my brain.

  “I’m his wife. Who are you?” Her eyes and voice dripped ice.

  “FML”—Godsmack

  HELPLESS, I LAY THERE, desperate to go after her. Because I could barely move, all I could do was lay there as Kassi stumbled out of the room. God, the look on her face when she heard the words that infuriated my soul and left a bitter taste in my mouth.

  “Layla, what the fuck? Why would you say that? You haven’t been my wife for years. After what you did, how could you even think I want to see you?” Anger exploded inside my body. The machines started beeping in an incredibly irritating way when my heart rate escalated rapidly. The pain was starting to build again, but fuck if I was gonna use my pain pump and not be lucid around this snake in the grass.

  “Oh, Erik, please don’t be like that! You know the only reason I agreed to the divorce was because I was distraught. We were young and emotional. We said and did things we both regret.” Her bottom lips expertly trembled. God, she was such a deceitful bitch. An actress of the first order. Looking back, I agreed with the young and emotional part. Foolishly, I had believed myself in love with her and had been willing to do anything for her. The only regret I had was marrying her in the first place.

  “Get out of my room. Get out of this hospital. Get out of this fucking state. I don’t know why you’re here, but you’re not welcome.” There were absolutely zero fucks given about hurting her feelings. As I knew better than anyone, she didn’t have any. She was a selfish, heartless bitch of a woman.

  “Please. I came here as soon as I heard. I ran into your sister-in-law, and she told me what happened. It scared the crap out of me, and it made me realize I never got over you. I’ve grown up, Erik. I’ve changed. People do that, you know.” What the fuck ever. People may change, but not people like her.

  “Quite frankly, it doesn’t really matter to me one way or another. You’re so insignificant in my life that I couldn’t care less what you do or if you’ve changed.”

  “Is it her? That woman that was in here with you? It is, isn’t it? She was on the bike with you when you wrecked? She’s your new girlfriend. What does she have that I don’t?” Just the sound of her voice was making me nauseous. The hatred I felt consuming me was not something I wanted to have in my life. Not anymore. Everything I did would be designed and geared toward making myself into a better man, a man my son could someday be proud of. I wanted to be for my son what my dad was for me.

  “What does she have that you don’t, Layla? A heart.” My bitter words spat at her. The rapid gasp that escaped her gave me a demonic sense of satisfaction. “That and she gave me something you refused to, but that’s none of your damn business. I’m none of your damn business. What I don’t understand is how you could think that, after all these years, I would want to even speak to you, let alone have you back in my life.” She had the gall to look hurt.

  A single tear welled up in her eye and spilled over and down her cheek. Too bad there wasn’t a compassionate bone in my body for her. She was wasting her time and mine. As she dropped her head, the blonde mane of hair I once thought of as spun fairy silk and loved running my fingers through shrouded her face. Silence reigned as she stood by my bed sniffling. She looked up finally, and her hand reached out to touch my face, but I jerked away from her touch.

  The pain that sudden movement caused in my head and body made nausea roil in the pit of my stomach. Jesus fucking Christ on a cracker. Groaning, I clenched my eyes shut tight and concentrated on breathing to control the pain on my own.

  “Do you need me to call the nurse?” Worry seeped into her tone.

  “No. Just leave me alone, Layla. I’ve moved on in my life. You are no longer a part of the equation, and I have no interest in rekindling anything between us. You wasted your time coming here. Leave.” Why did she have to come here anyway? Add her craptastic timing to the shitshow that was my life.

  “Well, I have a hotel for a few days. Here.” She handed me a small slip of paper she tore off the hospital notepad on my bedside tab
le. “My new cell number in case you come to your senses. Erik, what we had was special. I know I messed up, and I did it in a bad way, but I need you to forgive me. Give me another chance.” Like hell.

  I refused to speak another word to her, nor look her direction. After a few brief minutes, I heard the click of her heels as she crossed the floor out the door.

  Crumpling up the paper she had given me, I chucked it across the room. My skin screamed at the pulling of healing skin that motion caused. Call her? She must be crazier now than she was then. What the fuck had Jonathan’s wife, Rachel, been thinking? Granted, she didn’t know all the details of our breakup, but she knew Layla had been a selfish bitch back then. Everyone but me did. Layla must have put on some act to get Rachel to talk to her and tell her about me.

  My mind wandered to Kassi. Layla’s declaration as she entered the room appeared to have crushed her. It was anyone’s guess what she had running through her mind after that. She must think I’m a complete and utter piece of shit. What the fuck else could happen? Motherfucker, I felt like I was in a damn Lifetime movie.

  “Mama’s Broken Heart”—Miranda Lambert

  OH MY GOD, HE was such a piece of shit! He was fucking married. Just the thought of the word had my heart feeling crushed under the weight of a Mack truck. Holy shit, I had a baby with a married man. My hand trailed the hallway railing, that in normal circumstances I wouldn’t even think of touching. Nurses can be such germaphobes. My knees felt as if they might buckle and I would face-plant on the floor.