Erik's Absolution

by Kristine Allen

  “Ms. Donovan! What are you doing out of bed?” Kylie’s voice rang out from further down the hall.

  Shit. Busted.

  Pain, but not the type she would be expecting, filled my eyes when I raised them to look at her as she power walked to me and wrapped an arm around my waist as she ducked under my arm to give me something to hold onto.

  “I just needed to get up and stretch my legs.” The lie fell out with my tears.

  “Ms. Donovan. Kassi. Besides the fact that you haven’t been cleared to ambulate on your own, I saw you come out of the room next door. You can’t go in other patient’s rooms, especially here in the ICU. You told me you’re a nurse, so I would think you would understand this.” Her words were spoken softly so they remained between us, but she was stern in their delivery. Guilt added itself to the emotions burying me, and my tears progressed to soft sobs. The last thing I had thought of was getting her in trouble. Dammit.

  “God, Kylie, I’m so sorry. I hope you don’t get in trouble. Honestly, my brain is so overloaded, I wasn’t really thinking. It’s just… well… he’s… the man in that room is Sebastian’s father.” The last word was expelled from my mouth like a bad taste.

  Reaching the edge of my bed, she helped me get back in and reattach all my lines and monitoring devices. Her face was plastered in confusion, and I didn’t blame her. This was a damn Jerry Springer show in the making. The shock of it all mingled with the pain that dwelled in my heart. How could I continue to let this one man hand me such debilitating hurt over and over?

  “Uhhhhh, wait. I thought the guy who was coming in to see you was the father. Not that it’s any of my business. I’m sorry. That was wrong of me to say anything.” Kylie’s poor face flamed, and I knew she was thinking she had overstepped her bounds as a nurse with her questions. Good thing we nurses stuck together—well, most of us, anyway. You remember those ones who eat their young, I told you about, right? I held no grudge.

  “No. It’s okay. It’s a long, confusing, fucked-up story. Just suffice it to say, every time I think I know what’s going on in my life and I’m getting some semblance of control, then something happens to rip it all apart again. My life has been one big jumble of shit after another. It feels like I’m always fighting to stay ahead of the wave.” My tears had ebbed to sniffles, and she handed me the small box of tissues from my bedside table. You know, the ones I’d probably be paying about ten bucks a box for.

  After I finished blowing my nose in a most unladylike manner, she helped arrange the pillows behind me. Then she let out a sigh. “Kassi, I know this may not be what you want to here, but that is life. What fun would life be if it came with an instruction booklet and we knew everything that would happen? Life is ever evolving, and the experiences we have are what prepare us for the next round. The good and the bad. If there’s anything I’ve learned in life, it’s that we only have so many trips around the sun, as they say, and we need to try to embrace every moment before our moments are gone. There is a reason for every single thing that happens, good or bad; we may just not know what it is right away.” Wise beyond her years, she stood next to my bed with her hands holding each end of her stethoscope hanging from her neck. She gave me a small, encouraging smile.

  “You ever think of going back to school to be a counselor or psychologist or something?” The dry tone that carried my words made her laugh. I really liked her. Maybe I should look at transferring here after Matt left for college. Get away from where I was. Away from Erik. Shit, that wouldn’t be right either. Because despite the rat he may be, he was Sebastian’s father. If I left, I’d take him from his father. Not to mention Hunter was back home in Iowa and I wouldn’t have him either. Shit.

  “Do you need anything else before I leave for the night?”

  “I’m still being transferred in the morning?” The farther I could get from Erik and the hum of his electrifying nearness, the better. It was too bad they couldn’t move me tonight.

  “Yes. I’m back in the morning, so as long as there are no issues overnight, that is the plan and I’ll be bringing you to the postpartum unit. The doc says, if your OB/GYN doc clears you, you should only be there a day or so. Oh, and before I forget, I got you info about the Ronald McDonald house where you can stay while Sebastian’s here. It will save you from having to get a hotel, and it’s in walking distance so you won’t need to rent a car or have cab fees.” With a smile, she placed some brochures and papers on my table and rolled it so the tabletop was over my lap. “I’ll see you in the morning. Okay?”

  Staring at the papers in front of me, I nodded absently. My fingers had just begun to sift through the papers when a knock sounded at my door. What the fuck? The last person I expected to see was standing there, a calculating look on her face.

  Erik’s wife.

  The words made my head hurt and my stomach churn. Looking at her and her coifed beauty made me self-conscious of how shitty I probably looked by now. Her white blonde hair still hung in a silky curtain, her full lips poison-apple red. The pencil skirt and silky blouse fit her like a glove and looked like she had just put them on after having them pressed—by a maid. Then I thought about the contrast between her and I and how it must have appeared to Erik, and I groaned inwardly.

  Terrific.

  “I’m Layla. Has Erik mentioned me?” My mouth couldn’t make words if I wanted it to at that point, so I just stared mutely at her. She obviously had a purpose for coming in my room, so I figured fuck it, let her say her piece and get the hell away from me.

  When I continued to remain silent, I guess she took that as her invitation to come further in my room. Her expensive-ass heels clicked on my floor as she strode gracefully to the edge of my bed. The sudden look of malice on her face made me belatedly wonder if I should have called for my nurse. Unease skittered up my spine as her red lips twisted in a condescending sneer.

  “Look, I don’t know who you are or what your relationship is with my husband, but this is the one and only time I will tell you. Stay. The. Hell. Away from him. Do I make myself clear?” She didn’t shout, but her words resonated off the walls as if she had shouted at the top of her lungs.

  “Crystal.” My dentist would be chewing my ass if he could hear how I was gritting and grinding my teeth in an effort to not give her a piece of my mind. As she turned away, the look of victory still blazing in her eyes, I realized I had had enough. Enough of the shit life threw my way. Enough of people telling me what to do. Enough of bitches like her thinking they were better than everyone because they had car payments for shoes and purses.

  Just as she reached the end of my bed, my voice found its escape. “Unfortunately, I won’t be able to do that, Layla. Erik and I have a child together, so whether you like it or not, he and I will have to see one another. Another funny thing is, he never mentioned you. Not once. Nor have any of his friends. Wonder why that is?” At that moment, I didn’t care if I was throwing Erik under the bus, because if he had messed around on his wife, he deserved to have to deal with the bullshit that came with those actions. All I knew was I wasn’t letting this haughty bitch dictate my life.

  The look on her face as she spun back toward me was worth the pain I was sure I would be feeling at those claws she called fingernails. There was no way, in my state, I could fight her off, but that didn’t even play into my thought process at the time.

  Thankfully, just as she lunged toward me, Kylie came in with the night nurse to do their nurse-to-nurse bedside report for shift change.

  “Excuse me! What’s going on in here? Visiting hours are over, ma’am. I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” At the sound of the nurse’s voice, Layla froze in her tracks. The hateful, vile expression morphed into a soft, sweet, smiling one as she turned to them and spewed her lies.

  “Oh! I’m so sorry! I was just going to hug my friend goodbye. I didn’t plan on being long.” She turned her back to the nurses and looked at me. “I’ll try to swing by to see you when I come to see Erik, my husband
, tomorrow. Bye, hon.” And she waltzed her snotty-ass self out of my room, squeezing past the nurses in the doorway and offering them an apologetic smile and shrug of her shoulders. Bitch.

  The annoying tap of her expensive heels faded down the hall, but continued to pound through my head.

  “Everything okay?” Kylie glanced at me with concern after she had concluded her report and the night nurse went on to prepare for her shift. My head was pulsing with everything that had just happened.

  “Yeah. Just peachy. When it rains, it pours, but it’s okay. I think I’m gonna get a big umbrella, and I’ll be just fine.” She smiled at me and gave me a thumbs-up sign before telling me she’d see me tomorrow and closing my door.

  Fuck my life.

  “Chasing Your Echo”—Red

  TRUE TO HIS WORD, the doctor had physical therapy in as soon as they moved me. Bright and fucking early. Let me tell you, that was some painful shit. Between working through the adhesions that were forming and working muscles that had been at rest for a week, not to mention cut through and sewn back together, they had worked my arm over good. They had also encouraged me to start walking around. Starting with short trips around my room and working up to walking the halls.

  Every room I went past, I glanced inconspicuously in to see if she had been moved to my floor. She wasn’t in ICU when I was transferred. As I has been wheeled past the room next door, I looked to see if Kassi was still there. Her room was empty with a clean and neatly made bed. “Did Kassi get discharged?” I asked the nurse wheeling me down the hall, hoping she might tell me since Kassi and I had been “neighbors.” Of course not. Shit pissed me off. So I had texted her, but she didn’t answer. My calls went to voice mail. It was frustrating as hell.

  Even tried to get information out of my nurse after I got moved. She was a sweet young girl that I couldn’t believe was even old enough to be a nurse. But nope. So I took a chance that maybe, just maybe, if Kassi had thought enough of me being Sebastian’s father to give him my name, that she would have listed me as his father here in the hospital.

  Bless that girl for having a heart of gold, because that’s exactly what she had done. Layla must not have pissed her off enough to cut me out, because when I asked about my son, they gave me the number to the NICU, and when I called down, after giving my identifying information, the nurse immediately referred to him as little Mr. Sebastian. They told me I could come down; they had a hospital armband for me to wear so there would be no issues with me seeing him. My chest almost caved in at the thoughtfulness of the woman I was head over heels for.

  Yeah, you caught that correctly. I finally admitted to myself that despite everything—the short time we knew each other, the heartache I had endured trying to forget her, and all the other stupid little reasons—I was definitely insanely in love with her. The problem was, she had done exactly what I told her to and replaced me. People always say be careful of what you wish for… well, I was living proof.

  No, I still didn’t feel I deserved her. Most days I hated myself deep inside; others I just felt like a failure who was undeserving of any divine intervention or absolution from the sins I had committed. The difference was, Kassi had given me a gift. A gift I never thought I would have, nor would I want again. Funny thing about unexpected gifts, they had a way of melting an icy exterior with the warmth of their generosity. In this case, it was the most heartfelt gift one person could give to another. The gift of life. And I mean that in two ways. One, she literally gave life to my son. Two, she had breathed life into my soul by wanting to share him with me, despite what she believed of me.

  There was no way I would intentionally get between her and her new guy, but I wanted her so bad it made me ache in my bones. The first time he screwed up, I would be on that shit like Donkey Kong. The honest part of myself wanted to fight tooth and nail for her, but if she was happy and loved him, I couldn’t do that to her.

  Joker had brought me my computer, and after I had my first round of physical therapy, I looked up everything about the guy. Some people had no idea how hard it was to type shit into the computer when one hand didn’t work all that great. It sucks monkey balls.

  Anyway, I found out what I needed to know about the guy.

  Hunter Trent Madison. I knew where he was born, where he went to school, where he lived, what he drove, what his credit score was—and it was pretty damn good—who his parents were, his first grade teacher, and basically anything else you could want to know about him. Ask me if I thought it was wrong or an invasion of privacy. Because I can assure you, I didn’t give half a shit. If this man was going to be in my son’s life and Kassi’s life, I was going to make damn sure he wasn’t crazy, or a con man, or worse.

  If he hurt them, I would destroy him. If he was good to them, I would stay back. Just have my visitation and leave them be. Even if it killed me.

  Looking at the clock, I realized it wasn’t too early to go down to see my son for the first time. Whoa, that sounded insane. My son. I couldn’t help but wonder how long it would take to get used to that. Was this how Reaper and Hollywood had felt? Because if so, I now understood how wacked they were about their kiddos.

  Using the nurse call system, I called my nurse to find out if I could go down to the NICU to see him. Assuring her I could walk without assistance and proving it to her after I slipped on a pair of underwear and athletic pants, I followed her directions to the ward that held the meaning and purpose to my life.

  The nurses at the NICU showed me how to wash my hands properly before I could go in. Scrubbing my hands with a little plastic scrub brush, under my nails, up around my wrists and forearms, scrubbing until any germs that could harm my little man were neutralized. Then they led me through the locked doors and past other tiny humans and a couple who were visiting with their own tiny human.

  As the nurse stopped outside a little cubicle-like space, my breath rushed from my body and I almost fell to my knees as I took in the most angelic view I’d ever had the good fortune of laying my eyes on. Kassi sat in a rocking chair, a tiny blanket covered bump held close to her. Her dark hair had fallen forward and sheltered the little bundle, but couldn’t disguise the bared skin of her chest as a tiny little fist lay against the side of one full breast. It was absolutely the most beautiful sight I had ever seen in my entire godforsaken life.

  My rapid intake of breath must have been louder than I thought, because she quickly looked up, startled by what must seem to her like my sudden appearance. Her expression was one of wary indecision. It reminded me of a stray puppy I had found in my backyard once. It had been so hungry it wanted to come to the bowl of food I had, but it had been through God knew what and it was terrified of getting metaphorically, or literally, kicked again. It hurt my heart to see that look on her, because it was exactly the one I had tried so hard to avoid causing.

  “Hey.” Her voice was soft and made my heartbeat speed up.

  “Hey yourself. How is he?” I was so out of my element, I didn’t know what to do. Usually, I had tabs, cameras, computers, and info watching everything and there were very few surprises and nothing I couldn’t handle. But this? This was all new. This was scary and wonderful and exciting all at once. This made me feel a little like a pussy because I damn sure felt like I was gonna cry.

  “He’s doing really well, they said. He even latched on for a few minutes just now. It’s the first time.” Her soft gaze dropped to the little bundle. “He fell asleep with it in his mouth.” Her cheeks bloomed bright pink, and I knew talking about her breasts in this way with me was causing her some discomfort. It made me feel bad because it was something beautiful.

  “Oh, uh, shit, I… let me turn around a minute.” Whipping the other direction as fast as my sore muscles would allow, I waited until she said she was good to turn back around. Her beautiful crystal blue eyes stared at me, and it was like being caught in a tractor beam. It was a chore taking a breath, I was so mesmerized. “Don’t feel embarrassed or ashamed of breastfeeding our s
on. I’m so proud of you for even trying. A lot of women don’t anymore because it’s a lot of work. At least that’s what my mom told my sister-in-law when she was getting frustrated and almost gave up on my nephew.”

  The widening of her eyes when I said “our son” made me realize what I had said. Sure, it was the truth, he was our son, but I think she thought I was implying we were a couple. If only. It was my turn to feel my face flame.

  “Do you want to hold him?” Her softly spoken words took me by surprise. Looking down at my arm in its sling and the healing abrasions on the other arm, I felt too tainted to let him near me.

  “It might not be a good idea. My arm and all.” The shrug I gave made me wince in pain. Though I was healing pretty well, the weirdest movements sent my pain receptors into overdrive. Settling carefully into the smaller chair next to hers, I stared longingly at the little infant in her arms. A little blue beanie was on his head, and I could just see his minuscule nose over the blanket he was swaddled in.

  Suddenly realizing he had some kind of tubes on his face scared the shit out of me. “What the fuck does he have tubes on his face for?” The shortness in my worried tone must have startled him because for the briefest second his eyes flickered open before a big yawn stretched his mouth wide. God, he was precious. My good arm reached out, and I ran a single finger over the curve of his tiny cheek. It was like touching velvet.

  Kassi explained everything attached to him like the perfect nurse and mother. She set my worries to rest without even realizing the effect her voice had on me. Gazing back at my son again, I felt my heart swell with emotion I had no name or explanation for. Other than pure, unadulterated love.

  “Hey, little man. You don’t know me yet, but I’m your daddy. We’re going to do all kinds of stuff together. If Mommy lets us, anyway.” A sniffle followed by a chuckle had me looking up at Kassi. Tears were streaming down her cheeks, despite the lopsided grin on her face. “Aww, baby, don’t cry.” Without thinking, I reached my hand to her and thumbed her tears away.