The Wilt Alternative:

by Tom Sharpe

  But whatever view Wilt was about to incline to, the class never learnt. He stopped in mid-sentence and stared down at a face in the third row. Irmgard Mueller was one of his students. Worse still, she was looking at him with a curious intensity and had not bothered to take any notes. Wilt gazed back and then looked down at his own notes and tried to think what to say next. But all the ideas he had so ironically rehearsed had disintegrated. For the first time in a long career of improvisation, Wilt dried up. He stood at the rostrum with sweating hands and looked at the clock. He had to say something for the next forty minutes, something intense and serious and … yes, even significant. That dread word of his sensitive youth burped to the surface. Wilt steeled himself.

  ‘As I was saying,’ he stammered just as his audience began to whisper among themselves, ‘none of the books I have recommended will do more than scratch the surface of the problem of being English … or rather of knowing the nature of the English.’ For the next half an hour he strung disjointed sentences together and finally muttering something about pragmaticism gathered his notes together and ended the lecture. He was just climbing down from the stage when Irmgard left her seat and approached him.

  ‘Mr Wilt,’ she said, ‘I want to say how interesting I found your lecture.’

  ‘Very good of you to say so,’ said Wilt, dissembling his passion.

  ‘I was particularly interested in what you said about the parliamentary system only seeming to be democratic. You are the first lecturer we have had who has put the problem of England in the context of social reality and popular culture. You were very illuminating.’

  It was an illuminated Wilt who floated out of the auditorium and up the steps to his office. There could be no doubt about it now. Irmgard was not simply beautiful. She was also radiantly intelligent. And Wilt had met the perfect woman twenty years too late.

  5

  He was so preoccupied with this new and exhilarating problem that he was twenty minutes late for the meeting of the Education Committee and arrived as Mr Dobble was leaving with the film projector and the air of a man who has done his duty by putting the cat among the pigeons.

  ‘Don’t blame me, Mr Wilt,’ he said as Wilt scowled, ‘I’m only here to …’

  Wilt ignored him and entered the room to find the Committee arranging themselves around a long table. A solitary chair was placed conspicuously at the far end and, as Wilt had foreseen, they were all there, the Principal, the Vice-Principal, Councillor Blighte-Smythe, Mrs Chatterway, Mr Squidley and the Chief Education Officer.

  ‘Ah, Wilt,’ said the Principal by way of unenthusiastic greeting. ‘Take a seat.’

  Wilt steeled himself to avoid the solitary chair and sat down beside the Education Officer. ‘I gather you want to see me about the anti-pornographic film made by a member of the Liberal Studies Department,’ he said, trying to take the initiative.

  The Committee glared at him.

  ‘You can cut the anti for a start,’ said Councillor Blighte-Smythe, ‘what we have just seen buggers … er … beggars belief. The thing is downright pornography.’

  ‘I suppose it might be to someone with a fetish about crocodiles,’ said Wilt. ‘Personally, since I haven’t had the chance to see the film, I can’t say how it would affect me.’

  ‘But you did say it was anti-pornographic,’ said Mrs Chatterway, whose progressive opinions invariably put her at odds with the Councillor and Mr Squidley, ‘and as Head of Liberal Studies you must have sanctioned it. I’m sure the Committee would like to hear your reasons.’

  Wilt smiled wryly. ‘I think the title of Head of Department needs some explaining, Mrs Chatterway,’ he began, only to be interrupted by Blighte-Smythe.

  ‘So does this fuc … filthy film we’ve just had to see. Let’s stick to the issue,’ he snapped.

  ‘It happens to be the issue,’ said Wilt. ‘The mere fact that I am called Head of Liberal Studies doesn’t mean I am in a position to control what the members of my so-called staff do.’

  ‘We know what they ruddy well do,’ said Mr Squidley, ‘and if any man on my workforce started doing what we’ve watched I’d soon give him the boot.’

  ‘Well, it’s rather different in education,’ said Wilt. ‘I can lay down guidelines in regard to teaching policy, but I think the Principal will agree that no Head of Department can sack a lecturer for failing to follow them.’ Wilt looked at the Principal for confirmation. It came regretfully. The Principal would happily have sacked Wilt years ago. ‘True,’ he muttered.

  ‘You mean to tell us you can’t get rid of the pervert who made this film?’ demanded Blighte-Smythe.

  ‘Not unless he continually fails to turn up for his teaching periods, is habitually drunk, or openly cohabits with students, no,’ said Wilt.

  ‘Is that true?’ Mr Squidley asked the Education Officer.

  ‘I’m afraid so. Unless we can prove blatant incompetence or sexual immorality involving a student, there’s no way of removing a full-time lecturer.’

  ‘If getting a student to bugger a crocodile isn’t sexual immorality I’d like to know what is,’ said Councillor Blighte-Smythe.

  ‘As I understand it the object in question was not a proper crocodile and there was no actual intercourse,’ said Wilt, ‘and in any case the lecturer merely recorded the event on film. He didn’t participate himself.’

  ‘He’d have been arrested if he had,’ said Mr Squidley. ‘It’s a wonder the sod wasn’t lynched.’

  ‘Aren’t we in danger of losing the central theme of this meeting?’ asked the Principal. ‘I believe Mr Ranlon has some other questions to raise.’

  The Education Officer shuffled his notes. ‘I would like to ask Mr Wilt what his policy guidelines are in regard to Liberal Studies. They may have some bearing on a number of complaints we have received from members of the public.’ He glared at Wilt and waited.

  ‘It might help if I knew what those complaints were,’ said Wilt stalling for time, but Mrs Chatterway intervened.

  ‘Surely the purpose of Liberal Studies has always been to inculcate a sense of social responsibility and concern for others in the young people in our care, many of whom have themselves been deprived of a progressive education.’

  ‘Depraved would be a better word if you ask me,’ said Councillor Blighte-Smythe.

  ‘Nobody did,’ barked Mrs Chatterway. ‘We all know very well what your views are.’

  ‘Perhaps if we heard what Mr Wilt’s views are …’ suggested the Education Officer.

  ‘Well, in the past Liberal Studies consisted largely of keeping day-release apprentices quiet for an hour by getting them to read books,’ said Wilt. ‘In my opinion they didn’t learn anything and the system was a waste of time.’ He halted in the hope that the Councillor would say something to infuriate Mrs Chatterway. Mr Squidley squashed the hope by agreeing with him.

  ‘Always was and always will be. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. They’d be better employed doing a proper day’s work instead of wasting ratepayers’ money loafing in classrooms.’

  ‘Well at least we have some measure of agreement,’ said the Principal pacifically. ‘As I understand it Mr Wilt’s guideline has been a more practical one. Am I right, Wilt?’

  ‘The policy of the department has been to teach apprentices how to do things. I believe in interesting them in …’

  ‘Crocodiles?’ enquired Councillor Blighte-Smythe.

  ‘No,’ said Wilt.

  The Education Officer looked down the list in front of him. ‘I see here that your notion of practical education includes home brewing.’

  Wilt nodded.

  ‘May one ask why? I shouldn’t have thought encouraging adolescents to become alcoholics served any educational purpose.’

  ‘It serves to keep them out of pubs for a start,’ said Wilt. ‘And in any case Gas Engineers Four are not adolescents. Half of them are married men with children.’

  ‘And does the course in home brewing extend to the man
ufacture of illicit stills?’

  ‘Stills?’ said Wilt.

  ‘For making spirit.’

  ‘I don’t think anyone in my department would have the expertise. As it is the stuff they brew is …’

  ‘According to Customs and Excise almost pure alcohol,’ said the Education Officer. ‘Certainly the forty-gallon drum they unearthed from the basement of the Engineering block had to be burnt. In the words of one Excise officer, you could run a car on the muck.’

  ‘Perhaps that’s what they intended it for,’ said Wilt.

  ‘In which case,’ continued the Education Officer, ‘it hardly seemed appropriate to have labelled several bottles Chateau Tech VSOP.’

  The Principal looked at the ceiling and prayed but the Education Officer hadn’t finished.

  ‘Would you mind telling us about the class you have organized for Caterers on Self Sufficiency?’

  ‘Well, actually it’s called Living Off The Land,’ said Wilt.

  ‘Quite so. The land in question being Lord Podnorton’s.’

  ‘Never heard of him.’

  ‘He has heard of this institution. His head game-keeper caught two apprentice cooks in the act of decapitating a pheasant with the aid of a ten-foot length of plastic tubing through which had been looped a strand of piano wire stolen from the Music Department, which probably accounts for the fact that fourteen pianos have had to be restrung in the past two terms.’

  ‘Good Lord, I thought they had been vandalized,’ muttered the Principal.

  ‘Lord Podnorton was under the same misapprehension about his greenhouses, four cold frames, a currant cage …’

  ‘Well, all I can say,’ interrupted Wilt, ‘is that breaking into greenhouses wasn’t part of the syllabus for Living Off The Land. I can assure you of that. I got the idea from my wife who is very keen on composting …’

  ‘No doubt you got the next course from her too. I have here a letter from Mrs Tothingford complaining that we conduct classes in karate for nannies. Perhaps you would like to explain that.’

  ‘We do have a course called Rape Retaliation for Nursery Nurses. We thought it wise in the light of the rising tide of violence.’

  ‘Very sensible too,’ said Mrs Chatterway, ‘I heartily approve.’

  ‘Perhaps you do,’ said the Education Officer looking at her critically over his glasses, ‘Mrs Tothingford doesn’t. Her letter is addressed from the hospital where she is being treated for a broken collar-bone, a dislocated Adam’s apple, and internal injuries inflicted on her by her nanny last Saturday night. You’re not going to tell me that Mrs Tothingford is a rapist?’

  ‘She might be,’ said Wilt. ‘Have you asked her if she is a lesbian? It’s been known for –’

  ‘Mrs Tothingford happens to be the mother of five and wife of …’ He consulted the letter.

  ‘Three?’ asked Wilt.

  ‘Judge Tothingford, Wilt,’ snarled the Education Officer. ‘And if you’re suggesting that a judge’s wife is a lesbian I would remind you that there is such a thing as slander.’

  ‘There’s such a thing as a married lesbian too,’ said Wilt. ‘I knew one once. She lived down our …’

  ‘We are not here to discuss your deplorable acquaintances.’

  ‘I thought you were. After all you asked me here to talk about a film made by a lecturer in my department and while I would not call him a friend I am vaguely acquainted …’

  He was silenced by a kick under the table from the V-P.

  ‘Is that the end of the casualty list?’ asked the Principal hopefully.

  ‘I could go on almost indefinitely, but I won’t,’ said the Education Officer. ‘What it all adds up to is that the Liberal Studies Department is not only failing in its supposed function of instilling a sense of social responsibility in day-release apprentices but is actively fostering anti-social behaviour …’

  ‘That’s not my fault,’ said Wilt angrily.

  ‘You are responsible for the way your department is run, and as such answerable to the Local Authority.’

  Wilt snorted. ‘Local Authority, my foot. If I had any authority at all this film would never have been made. Instead of that I am lumbered with lecturers I didn’t appoint and can’t fire, half of whom are raving revolutionaries or anarchists, and the other half couldn’t keep order if the students were in strait-jackets, and you expect me to be answerable for everything that happens.’

  Wilt looked at the members of the Committee and shook his head. Even the Education Officer was looking somewhat abashed.

  ‘The problem is clearly a very complex one,’ said Mrs Chatterway, who had swung round to Wilt’s defence since hearing about the Rape Retaliation Course for Nursery Nurses. ‘I think I can speak for the entire Committee when I say we appreciate the difficulties Mr Wilt faces.’

  ‘Never mind what Mr Wilt faces,’ intervened Blighte-Smythe. ‘We are going to face a few difficulties ourselves if this thing ever gets out. If the press got wind of the story …’

  Mrs Chatterway blanched at the prospect while the Principal covered his eyes. Wilt noted their reactions with interest.

  ‘I don’t know,’ he said cheerfully. ‘I’m all in favour of public debates on issues of educational importance. Parents ought to know the way their children are being taught. I’ve got four daughters and …’

  ‘Wilt,’ said the Principal violently, ‘the Committee has generously agreed that you cannot be held wholly responsible for these deplorable incidents. I don’t think we need detain your further.’

  But Wilt remained seated and pursued his advantage. ‘I take it then that you’re not willing to bring this regrettable affair to the attention of the media. Well, if that is your decision …’

  ‘Listen, Wilt,’ snarled the Education Officer, ‘if one word of this is leaked to the press or is discussed in any public form I’ll see … Well, I wouldn’t like to be in your shoes.’

  Wilt stood up. ‘I don’t like being in them at the moment,’ he said. ‘You call me in here and cross-examine me about something I can’t prevent because you refuse to give me any real authority and then when I propose making this disgraceful state of affairs a public issue you start threatening me. I’ve half a mind to complain to the union.’ And having delivered this terrible threat he headed for the door.

  ‘Wilt,’ shouted the Principal, ‘we haven’t finished yet.’

  ‘Nor have I,’ said Wilt and opened the door. ‘I find this whole attempt to cover up a matter of serious public concern most reprehensible. I do indeed.’

  ‘Christ,’ said Mrs Chatterway, uncharacteristically calling for Divine guidance. ‘You don’t think he means it, do you?’

  ‘I have long since given up trying to think what Wilt means,’ said the Principal miserably. ‘All I can be certain about is that I wish to God we’d never employed him.’

  6

  ‘You’d be committing promotional suicide,’ Peter Braintree told Wilt as they sat over pints in The Glassblower’s Arms later that evening.

  ‘I feel like committing real suicide,’ said Wilt, ignoring the pork pie Braintree had just bought him. ‘And it’s no use trying to tempt me with pork pies.’

  ‘You’ve got to have some supper. In your condition it’s vital.’

  ‘In my condition, nothing is vital. On the one hand I am forced to fight battles with the Principal, the Chief Education Officer and his foul Committee on behalf of lunatics like Bilger who want a bloody revolution, and on the other, after I have spent years thrusting down predatory lusts for Senior Secretaries, Miss Trott and the occasional Nursery Nurse, Eva has to introduce into the house the most splendid, the most ravishing woman she can find. You may not believe me … remember that summer and the Swedes?’

  ‘The ones you had to teach Sons and Lovers to?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Wilt, ‘four weeks of D. H. Lawrence and thirty delectable Swedish girls. Well, if that wasn’t a baptism of lust I don’t know what is. And I came through unscathed. I went home t
o Eva every evening unblemished. If the sex war was openly declared I’d have won the Marital Medal for chastity beyond the call of duty.’

  ‘Well we’ve all had to go through that phase,’ said Braintree.

  ‘And what exactly do you mean by “that phase”?’ asked Wilt stiffly.

  ‘The body beautiful, boobs, bottoms, the occasional glimpse of thigh. I remember once …’

  ‘I prefer not to hear your loathsome fantasies,’ said Wilt. ‘Some other time perhaps. With Irmgard it’s different. I am not talking about the merely physical. We relate.’

  ‘Good God, Henry …’ said Braintree, flabbergasted.

  ‘Exactly. When did you hear me use that dreaded word before?’

  ‘Never.’

  ‘You’re hearing it now. And if that doesn’t indicate the fearful predicament I’m in, nothing will.’

  ‘It does,’ said Braintree. ‘You’re …’

  ‘In love,’ said Wilt.

  ‘I was going to say out of your mind.’

  ‘It amounts to the same thing. I am caught in the horns of a dilemma. I use that cliché advisedly, though to be perfectly frank horns don’t come into it. I am married to a formidable, frenetic and basically insensitive wife …’

  ‘Who doesn’t understand you. We’ve heard all this before.’

  ‘Who does understand me. And you haven’t,’ said Wilt and drank some more beer bitterly.

  ‘Henry, someone has been putting stuff in your tea,’ said Braintree.

  ‘Yes, and we all know who that is. Mrs Crippen.’

  ‘Mrs Crippen? What the hell are you talking about?’

  ‘Has it ever occurred to you,’ said Wilt, pointedly shoving the pork pie down the counter, ‘what would have happened if Mrs Crippen, instead of being childless and bullying her husband and generally being in the way, had had quads? I can see it hasn’t. Well, it has to me. Ever since I taught that course on Orwell and the Art of the English Murder, I have gone into the subject deeply on my way home to an Alternative Supper consisting of uncooked soya sausage and homegrown sorrel washed down with dandelion coffee and I’ve come to certain conclusions.’