by Shade, S. M.
Dani: Fine. I’ll be at your place when you get back.
There’s no point in arguing with her.
By the time I’m ready to go, Naomi has the car seat strapped into the backseat of my car. A bag with a purple fish stamped on it hangs over her shoulder, and she places it on the floorboard between her feet.
The only other sound until I turn on some music is the click of her buckling her seatbelt. At least she dislikes me enough to keep quiet because the last thing I want right now is conversation.
The drive isn’t long, about twenty minutes, and we pull into the lot of a Child Welfare office.
“Do you know how this works?” she asks, as we exit the car.
“No idea.” It seems strange. I’m just going to go pick up a baby. Like maybe they would’ve just handed him to me out a drive-thru window. I guess it isn’t this easy for most people. That’s what the lawyers and Milo have done, paved the way, made it a simple process.
Naomi falls into step beside me, adjusting the bag on her shoulder. A wave of anxiety crashes over me when we get to the door, and I pause, closing my eyes. My chest tightens and dread feels like a physical creature, crawling over my skin.
All the things I’ve been telling myself all week. The things I’ve been stressing over, the loss of my identity and freedom. The stifling of my career and lifestyle. They’re nothing to the true fear I carry. The real reason that this is the worst thing that could’ve happened to me and that baby.
Soft skin brushes down my arm and a voice floats to me. “Are you okay? Do you need a minute before we go inside?”
Shit.
Taking a deep breath, I force my eyes open and find compassionate brown ones staring back at me. I have to get my shit together. “I’m fine,” I snap, pulling open the door so fast she has to step back quickly.
“Mr. Todd.” A man in an expensive suit approaches me as soon as we step through the door. “I’m Harold Gale, your representation. Everything is in order. This should be a very smooth process.”
A glimpse of blonde hair catches my eye as a woman sticks her head out of a nearby doorway then quickly retreats. She must’ve learned to whisper in a fucking shooting range because her hiss of, “Oh my god, it’s him. He’s here,” echoes down the hallway.
The last thing I want is to deal with some fan shit when I’m barely stumbling through this as it is. One glance at the lawyer, and he nods in understanding, then disappears into that room. A few seconds later, a different woman emerges with him.
Her expression is calm and her tone professional as she addresses me. “Mr. Todd, if you’ll follow me, we’ll get the paperwork signed, then I’ll take you to your son in the playroom.” She studies Naomi for a second before adding, “Would you like me to have your caregiver escorted to the playroom in the meantime?”
“Fine.”
She blinks at my curt answer, then quickly summons another employee who leads Naomi away as the lawyer and I are directed into a cluttered office.
Taking a seat behind the desk, she’s all business, rattling off the details of the birth certificate. The last name change my lawyer requested was rushed through and Caden is now officially Caden Todd. It’s surreal seeing it in print, with my name listed as the father. I’m a father. She presents me with a folder containing the baby’s medical records, immunization record, and other documents.
It all seems to pass in a blur and after scribbling my signature multiple times, I’m being led down the hall by the social worker to the playroom.
“Wait out here,” I order the lawyer. This is hard enough without more of an audience. I don’t know how I’m supposed to act. I’m meeting my son for the first time and most people would be in tears, not feel like they’re being slowly squeezed into a box with no air.
Bright blue walls with vibrant characters dancing across them are such a contrast to the grayness of the atmosphere inside me. A musical laugh draws my attention to where Naomi sits on the floor alongside the woman who escorted her here.
A baby sits in front of her, banging a red toy on the floor, then grinning up at her to gauge her reaction. My distress must be clear because the social worker whispers to me. “It’s okay. This is an overwhelming moment. Take a second to breathe. There’s no rush.”
My feet work of their own accord, carrying me closer, and he looks up at me.
I’ve seen a picture of him. I knew he had blond hair and his face was shaped like mine. But the eyes.
The picture didn’t do justice to his eyes. Green eyes. My eyes. I’m not aware I’ve spoken anything aloud until the social worker replies.
“Yes, they’re clearly turning green. I imagine they’ll get darker still. Eyes can change over the first couple of years.”
She doesn’t understand. How could she? All I see in those eyes is myself and it’s terrifying.
Naomi glances back at me, then picks him up, cooing at him. “Look who’s here, Caden. It’s your daddy.” She stands and walks up to me, my son perched on her hip.
He studies me like an interesting bug, reaches out a hand still holding the plastic toy, and taps my arm with it, like he’s testing to see my reaction. My career may be made from my vocal cords, but right now they’re completely locked up.
“Do you want to hold him?” Naomi murmurs.
His gaze stays on my face as I take him from Naomi. It’s the first time I’ve ever held a baby, and I imitate the way she held him. He’s lighter than I expected, but warm and soft. All three women watch us with sentimental expressions, but I don’t care. All thoughts of how I’m supposed to react are overcome with the raging rush of my own emotions.
It’s like a puzzle piece clicks into place, a piece I never knew was missing, but was always needed to complete the fragmented version of me. Nearly identical eyes stare into mine, mesmerized, and I know he felt it too.
I can’t do this.
I can’t let this happen.
“Carry him,” I order Naomi, gruffly, putting him back into her arms. Spinning to face the social worker who brought me in, I add, “Is there anything else you need from me or are we done?”
Blinking fast, she stammers. “No, you’re all set.”
With a nod, I head back toward the door and out into the hallway where the lawyer waits. After assuring him everything is finished, I glance back to see Naomi waiting on me, bouncing Caden gently on her hip. He’s grinning at her like she’s the best thing he’s ever seen.
Good.
Let him get attached to her.
Anyone but me.
* * *
Dani isn’t the only one at my place when we pull into the driveway and Naomi lifts Caden out of his car seat. My driveway is full of cars. The guys are here.
Dani rushes out the front door before we can get inside and lets out a squeal at the sight of Caden in Naomi’s arms. “Oh my god! Look at him! He looks just like your baby pictures. Oh! Let me have him!” She reaches out and Naomi hands him to her. That studious expression takes over his face again, and Dani laughs. “He looks so serious.”
Naomi grins at them. “He doesn’t seem to know a stranger. Hasn’t cried once. He went right to me and to Mr. Todd with no problem.”
Dani coos over him and he smiles. Then she glances around Naomi to frown at me. “You make her call you Mr. Todd? Seriously?”
“I don’t make her do anything.” That remark brings a smirk to Naomi’s face and I can read her satisfied little thought that I can’t make her do anything. She’s thinking about my remark from last night. I’ve never liked being referred to by my last name, mainly because I share it with my father. “Axton,” I mumble to Naomi as we head inside, and she nods.
Jude, Elliot, and Brysen lounge around my living room. Brysen’s wife, Clara, steps out of the kitchen holding their sleeping daughter.
Naomi disappears down the hall while my friends and sister ooh and ahh over Caden. The way he babbles at them sounds like he’s having a whole conversation of gibberish. He’s won them all ove
r in minutes.
Naomi returns and spreads a blanket over the floor, putting a few toys on it as well. The bright colors catch his attention and he squirms to get out of Dani’s arms. She and Naomi sit with him on the floor, and he wastes no time getting up on all fours and crawling to a toy. It goes right in his mouth.
“He has a lot of teeth in already,” Dani remarks.
Naomi nods. “He does. He could handle some soft foods as well as the baby food, I think.”
I’m glad they know this shit because I have no clue what to feed him, when, or how much. He’s better off with Naomi, which reminds me I still need a backup babysitter for her days off. She can’t work twenty-four seven.
The toy doesn’t interest him for long, and he crawls a few feet to the coffee table, then pulls himself up onto his feet.
“Oh, he’s going to be walking early,” Clara says, as he moves carefully around the table, holding onto the edge.
Naomi spots what he’s after. The baby bottle Clara left on the other side of the table. When Clara picks it up, he lets out a whine, plops down on his ass, and starts crying.
Naomi scoops him up. “You hungry, little guy? Let’s go get you a bottle.”
His cries continue as she carries him into the kitchen, and Dani turns to me. “He’s beautiful, Ax.”
“Beautiful enough for you to babysit two days a week? I have to give Naomi some days off.”
Dani sighs. “Has it crossed your mind that you could just take care of him those two days?”
Jude speaks up. “Wait, I thought you wanted the kid to survive.” Laughter bounces around the room.
Ignoring them, I cross my arms and stare at her. “I have to work. I can hire someone part time, but that’s another person I have to trust spending nights in my house.”
“Wait, you want me to stay all night?”
“She gets two entire days off. That’s how employment works.”
Naomi returns before the conversation can continue. “That’s not necessary.”
Dani’s eyebrows leap up. “You don’t want days off? You need a life, girl.”
Taking a seat in the recliner, she holds Caden as he drinks a bottle. “I don’t need all night. I don’t mind listening for Caden at night. All of this is new for him, so many new faces. He needs stability right now. He should know the same person will come to take care of him when he wakes. It’ll help him feel safe.” Her last words are spoken as she gazes down at him while his eyes flutter closed.
Dani looks from her to me. “You chose the right person for him,” she murmurs.
“I’m going to put him down for a nap,” Naomi says, and carries him to the nursery, returning after a few moments.
“Come on. We’ll work on the back patio,” I order the guys. “You assholes are here, we might as well go over the new song.”
“The four thousand times last night wasn’t enough?” Elliot grouches.
“Brysen wasn’t here,” I point out.
As I start to follow them out of the living room, Dani asks Naomi, “Did you get settled in all right? How was your first night? Loud, I imagine, with them practicing.”
Naomi’s gaze slams into mine, and time seems to slow for a long second before she replies. “It was fine. I’m in love with that huge bathtub.”
Good.
If she plans to work for me, she’d better be able to keep her mouth shut about my private life.
The overwhelming stress of the last few days has let up a little, maybe because I can see how this might work now. Naomi and Dani can handle Caden. I can go on with my life.
* * *
I’ve spent as little time at home as possible over the past two weeks since I picked up Caden. When I am home, I sleep days and work on my music overnight. It works. Naomi is usually feeding Caden dinner when I drag my ass out of bed, and head out to the pool. There’s something soothing about those underwater laps, no sound, the whole world at a distance. All the thoughts in my head overcome by the burn of my lungs as I push them to the limit.
Jude suggested I make one of the spare rooms into a gym when I bought the house, but I’ve never been crazy about working out or lifting weights. Swimming, push ups, sit ups, some stretching. That’s enough for me.
It’s just gone fully dark when I walk out back to the sight of a new fence. Caden isn’t walking yet, but it won’t be long, so I had a company come and install a new fence that circles the patio and pool. Naomi and Dani have baby proofed the fuck out of the house. If I struggle to open the cabinets, he won’t be able to.
Stripping off my shirt, I toss it onto a lounger beside my towel, then dive in the deep end. Long even strokes take me back and forth. Illuminated by the underwater lights, the water glows a deep blue. It’s calming, and I need it tonight. The festival tour starts in less than two weeks and we have a couple of days coming up that I have to be in the studio to rehearse.
It’s nothing I haven’t done before, and I don’t stress too much over performances, but one thing will be different. Naomi and Caden will be going with me. The idea to just have her keep him here has tempted me, but I can’t do it. That’s one thing I won’t do is leave him behind.
Breaking the surface, I catch my breath, relax, and float over toward the steps. Maybe I’ll have a few drinks tonight and try to work out that bridge I’m stuck on for a ballad. Climbing the steps, I shove my wet hair out of my face and towel off a little.
“Axton.”
My head jerks around at the sound of Naomi’s voice. She never bothers me out here. Caden is on her hip and she looks overwhelmed. That’s out of the ordinary.
Caden grins at me as she holds him out to me. “Can you take him for a minute? He had a blowout, and I need to change his crib and scrub it down.”
“A blowout?”
“Shit, Axton. There’s shit all over his crib. I already cleaned him up. Can you take him for a few minutes?” Frustration is clear in her voice. Fair enough. She’s the one that has to clean up a shitty mess.
There have been a few times she’s asked me to get him out of his highchair or pull him away from something he isn’t supposed to be messing with while she’s busy with something. They aren’t exactly well disguised attempts at getting me to hold him. This isn’t the same.
He’s only wearing a diaper, and it crinkles when I take him. Without another word, she spins around and rushes back inside.
This is the first time I’ve been alone with my son. How fucking pathetic is that? It’s sad, but it doesn’t make it any less necessary. He babbles, his gaze fixed on the water. His chubby arms shoot out in that direction and he opens and closes his fists, like the pool is something that can be handed to him.
Why the hell not? I have no idea how long Naomi will be.
“Okay,” I murmur. “We’ll go in the water.”
Walking down the steps, I pause. Diaper on or off? What if he shits again? Decision made. Caden squeals as I walk down the steps into the shallow end where the water is waist deep on me. Perching him on my hip, I let the water cover him up to his navel and he squeals again, kicking his feet.
“Guh!” he announces, slapping the water with his hands. “Guh! Guh!”
His giggles fill the still air. That sound. It’s the sound of pure happiness and I’m not sure I’ve ever heard anything like it.
He keeps trying to kick his feet, so I shift him around to face me and hold under his arms, letting him bob in the water up to his chest. Sure enough, he sticks his legs back and kicks. “I think you’re going to be a swimmer.”
The next few minutes are spent with me walking backward, supporting him while he kicks his legs and splashes the water. One tiny palm against the surface sends a spray of water right into his face, and my chest rattles with a chuckle at his stunned expression and the way he babbles at the water, like he’s cursing it out for turning on him.
The diaper isn’t holding up well. To prevent having a pool full of soggy cotton, I tug it off of him and toss it on the edge of the
pool. “Just don’t shit in my clean water, okay?”
“Ba!” he exclaims.
“I’ll take that as an agreement.”
Every time I talk back to him, he looks me in the eye, and grins. It’s so odd. When he’s with Naomi most of the time, I’m always aware of him. Aware of the responsibility of him. But like this, it hits me again that he’s a part of me. Those eyes are a mirror of mine, just unmarked by an innocence that crushes my heart.
Because it’s a matter of time before that fades. Before all the hurt and fear and reality of the world replaces it. And there’s nothing anyone can do. People like to claim love is the answer, but for some of us, it’s the poison we’re condemned to drink.
Caden slaps the water again, then giggles when it spurts onto my chin. Another laugh sounds from behind me.
Naomi stands at the edge of the pool. “Did you splash Daddy?”
Caden beams at the sight of her, and I hand him out of the pool. “The diaper started to fall apart.”
“Yeah, there are swim diapers in the changing table for the water.” She grabs my towel and wraps him up. Her teeth rake over her bottom lip and she finally adds, “Do you want to put him to bed?”
“No, you can take him from here.” My voice is harder than I intend but she just nods and cuddles him.
“Come on, naked butt, let’s get you to bed,” she says, walking away.
While she puts him down for the night, I get a quick shower, grab a bottle of bourbon and my guitar, and head back out to the patio.
The next few hours I’m where I belong, in the music.
The bourbon has me stumbling to my bedroom earlier than usual and I’m out as soon as I flop onto the bed. It did help me finish the song, but I’ll probably feel like shit tomorrow.
My eyes have barely had time to close when I hear something. Was that from the backyard? Is someone messing with the patio door? Fuck, I forgot to set the alarm.
My body feels strange, heavy, as I drag myself back out of bed. The house is quiet but just the sight of the dark hallway fills me with an unexplainable but familiar dread. Like a child afraid of a monster in the closet, I want to retreat into my bedroom.
