by Shade, S. M.
That was the real mindfuck. The warm feeling that rolled through me when she looked at me and said I was a good dad. Like she was…proud. But why do I give any value to what some ex-teacher turned nanny thinks of me? My reaction to her praise or criticism pisses me off.
Fuck, why am I even thinking about all this? A few months ago my biggest thought was the album and touring, maybe getting a blow job. Not a sick baby. Not an insolent nanny whose challenging glare makes me want to fuck her into next week.
I need to get back on track. Thank fuck the guys are coming over today.
* * *
Caden is feeling better and the pediatrician doesn’t need to see him unless he gets worse or isn’t healed up after he finishes the antibiotics. Naomi and Dani are with him in the living room when the band shows up.
They spend the first few minutes fawning over him, and Caden eats it up, babbling and giggling.
“Dude, if you dyed his hair black, he’d be your clone,” Jude laughs, rolling a ball across the floor to Caden.
“I know! I’ve been calling him Little Ax,” Dani chuckles.
“Hatchet!” Jude exclaims and everyone laughs.
Crossing my arms, I lean on the doorjamb. “Come on, quit trying to rename my kid and let’s do this.”
Jude gets to his feet. “Whatever, that’s baby Hatch right there. It’s too bad he inherited your unfortunate face but maybe he’ll grow into it better.”
He dodges the half-hearted punch I throw at him, but I get him in a headlock and start walking him down the hall. The others follow and finally, we’re settled into the music room. When I had this place built, I knew I wanted a soundproof room where we could practice and where I could also store my instruments.
It’s big and comfortable, even with all four of us seated on the two large couches. This is one room Caden isn’t allowed in at all since the walls are lined with cables and plugs stretching to amps, instruments, and recording equipment. It isn’t one hundred percent soundproof, but we can play reasonably loud and the muffled sound barely makes it down the hallway.
The session goes well and it’s unanimous that we want to get with the producer on this new song, see if we can work it onto the new album. Feedback from the guys has changed the overall feel of the song.
Elliot grins at me as we run through it again. “See what I mean? If we increase the tempo, switch up to those major chords, it keeps the bluesy sound.”
“I like it,” Brysen says. “Sounds happy but the lyrics are depressing as fuck.”
This is where Elliot’s true talent lies. I’m good with a guitar, and I can string words together for lyrics, but my talent is singing. He’s the genius when it comes to writing the actual music. He sees the big picture in a way I can’t.
Elliot considers it for a moment, then points to the lyric sheet. “What if we moved this part to the end? You could sort of whisper it, give it that twist of serious emotion to finish?”
“Let’s try it,” I agree.
Jude turns on the recording equipment and they start to play. At the corner of my vision, I notice the door pop open a sliver, but I’m already in my zone and everything is blocked out but the music as I sing.
“Welcome my new recruit
to what you have in store.
Empty days and searching,
always searching for more.
Oh, you have so much to look forward to…
Let me tell you of the benefits,
the loneliness and fear.
All the time you’ll have, the days and weeks
to wonder why you’re here.
Don’t take it all so hard.
Settle, try to forget.
You’ll survive the anger
and weight of the regret.
The hands keep on moving.
The sand falls grain by grain.
Piles up inside you.
We’re all bound by this chain.
I can’t tell you all the ways I’ve failed you…
Let me tell you of the benefits,
the loneliness and fear.
All the time you’ll have to soak in it,
so many months and years.
Oh, I’m sorry.
Sorry.”
“Fuck yeah!” Jude yells after cutting off the recording. “That’s a single right there!”
My attention isn’t on the excited voices of the band but the door that stands open a crack with a brown eye staring in. It swings open and Naomi mumbles, “Um, sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt or anything, but Dani and I are going to order from Taco Shack and we thought you guys might want something.”
She glances at me, clearly waiting to see whether I’m going to give her a hard time for opening the door.
Brysen grins up at her. “I’m in.”
“Me too,” Jude says, getting to his feet.
Christ, say the word tacos and you’d think they’d never eaten before. The session is over and I’m happy with how everything went. We have a new song to present, and I can’t wait to get into the studio to work out the kinks.
As the guys place their taco orders and raid my liquor cabinet, I text Milo to let him know what we’ve been working on and confirm we have ample studio time booked after the festival tour.
We leave in less than two weeks and while I’m looking forward to it, I’m not sure how things will be. It’s not just me and the band this time. Caden, Dani, and Naomi are all along for the ride.
Touring is usually amazing, at least for the first month or so until the repetition becomes tedious and exhausting. But this festival tour is different. Short sets for multiple nights in each city. Less work and travel time. More down time. Or party time.
With Naomi and Dani there for Caden, everything should be fine. I’ll still get to do my thing, live the lifestyle I’ve worked so hard to achieve.
Brysen pulls me aside while the guys are downing shots on the back patio. “Ax, listen man…those new lyrics…I just want you to know, I felt the same way. Sort of. When my daughter was born, I mean. Afraid I can’t give her a good life and everything. It’s terrifying to have this person counting on you when you know you can’t always protect them. That they’ll have to struggle through like we did. But that’s life.”
We don’t talk like this. None of us are exactly the spill your feelings type, but that doesn’t mean we don’t know each other and our issues well. They come through in the music, the way mine were exposed in the lyrics.
“I’m going to screw him up,” I mumble. He’s going to get too attached to me and pay for it in the end. Or feel abandoned if he’s not close to me. I can’t win. Worse, he can’t win.
Brysen looks at his feet with a chuckle. “Of course you are. I’m going to screw my kid up too. That’s how it goes. We’ll just screw them up in different ways than we were. But at least we’ve learned plenty of things not to do.” He pauses for a second. “Brynn is never going to feel like she’s not good enough. Or second best, no matter how many kids I have. I’m keeping shit equal.”
The only sound for a few moments is the laughter of Jude and Elliot on the other side of the patio.
I’m confused and terrified over raising Caden, but one thing I know for sure. “He’ll never be afraid of me or feel abandoned by me.”
“We just have to figure it out as we go. Fuck, everyone is just winging it and hoping for the best.” Brysen grins, spreading his arms. “Both our parents were shit and look how we turned out.”
“Not your best argument,” I snort, before adding in a low voice. “He doesn’t have a mother. We’ll have that in common.”
Brysen’s gaze lands on Naomi as she steps out the sliding glass door with a grinning Caden on her hip. “He has a mother figure who obviously loves him. Don’t take that for granted.”
“Hatchet!” Jude shouts, and Elliot adds, “Hey Hatch.”
Caden beams, clapping his hands together, then reaching toward the pool. I swear if he sees the water, he wants in. Jude’s stupid
nickname for little Ax may be a winner after all. Hatchet. He’ll cut his own path in this world while I take down the biggest trees in his way.
Brysen slaps me on the shoulder. “I’ve got it. Just marry the nanny. Problem solved.”
My chest shakes with laughter. “We’d fucking kill each other.”
Naomi smiles at me from across the patio as she hands Hatch to Jude. I watch it start to fade when I don’t reply, until finally I give her a nod.
She’s what my son needs.
Distance is what I need.
Chapter Six
Naomi
Axton and the rest of the band are outside on the patio and Caden is sleeping soundly in his crib when Dani joins me in the living room. She hands me a glass of wine. “Those idiots will be out there all night.”
Shrugging, I sit back. “They seem to be having fun.”
“Yeah.” She sips her wine and runs her teeth over her bottom lip. “He was different tonight. Axton, I mean. More like he used to be.”
“Before he found out about Caden?”
“No, even before that. He’s had a few bad years.” She pauses as if she’s considering whether to tell me more. “About four years ago, he…lost someone. It was terrible. He hasn’t been the same since.”
There are clearly details she doesn’t want to tell me and I’m not going to ask. It explains a lot of his moodiness and I feel some sympathy for him creeping in. “But tonight, roughhousing with the guys and stuff, he was…better.”
“That baby could win over anybody,” I point out. “He really stepped up when Caden was sick.”
Dani nods, sipping her wine. “Good. A kid may be the last thing he wants, but just what he needs. Someone to worry about. A reason to get out of his own head.”
Footsteps in the kitchen make us pause, and Jude sticks his head into the living room. “One beer left. Any takers?” He waves the bottle.
My head bobs toward the bottle of wine on the table. “We’re good.”
The glass door slides shut as he returns to the patio, and I have to ask. “Is there a reason you avoid him?”
Dani leans her head back against the couch. “Is it that obvious?”
“You kind of look like you have a toothache when he’s around.”
After regarding me for a moment, she laughs. “We had a one night stand the last time that Dustin and I broke up for a few days. I’m trying to pretend didn’t happen.”
“Ah, okay.”
“No one knows, so…”
“My lips are sealed. No worries.”
It’s late when I finally excuse myself to go to bed. There are a lot of things my mind wants to consider tonight. The way Axton took care of Caden when he was sick, that trick with the popsicle, him sleeping with him in his arms all night. It shocked me and I almost wanted to cry in relief. To see Caden might have a chance at a loving father after all.
Those lyrics I overheard nearly tore my heart out. I knew he was afraid but had no idea just how deeply he felt that terror.
There was an actual smile on Axton’s face when he dragged Jude down the hall in a headlock. I wasn’t sure his lips could produce anything other than a smirk or a frown. Dani’s revelation about Axton’s loss and her hopeful words also stick with me. I don’t know the details. I assumed his surly, hateful ways were just how he is, or due to being shoved into parenthood against his will.
Maybe I’ve judged him too quickly, been too eager to put that asshole stamp on his forehead. That still doesn’t mean I plan to take any shit from him, however.
Tossing and turning, the sight of him through that crack in the door won’t stop invading my mind. I’ve heard him sing, hell, I have his album, but it’s nothing compared to hearing that low soulful voice in person. He sang with unabashed emotion, his eyes closing, his head tilting back. The pain in his words was clear on his face and yet, he was so beautiful in that moment, so…raw and real.
The picture in my mind’s eye is clear and crisp. His hair pulled back in slight waves against his skull, the scruff running down his face to his neck. What would it feel like to run my nose through those bristles, bite his earlobe, taste his skin?
Fuck.
I must need to get laid if I’m fantasizing about that jerk for even a second.
Get your shit together, Naomi. You’re here for a reason. For Caden.
The festival tour isn’t far away, and I’m sure there will be no shortage of men to distract me from these awful delicious thoughts.
* * *
Excitement struggles with anxiety as I put Caden in his pajamas. We’ll be leaving tomorrow for the festival tour. It’s so surreal. The Rock Wild Festival was one I’ve attended a few times when I was a teenager and college student. It’s one of the best in the country, with three stages that host over twenty musical acts throughout the day. The bands that play vary by city, but the headliners—like Tragic—play in every city on the schedule. Ten cities in eight weeks.
I can’t believe I’m going to see behind the scenes of all of it. Meet some of my favorite bands and musicians. Of course, I’ll have Caden most of the time, and I’ll have to make sure the atmosphere is suitable for him. In my experience, things are tamer earlier in the day, and people often bring children.
Axton stands in the hall when I step out with Caden on my hip. A pair of small blue headphones are thrust at me. Caden squeals, reaching for his father, and Axton doesn’t hesitate to take him. He may still act like I have the plague, but he’s spent more and more time with Caden over the last two weeks.
“Tomorrow is the day, Hatch. Now you’re ready.”
He may be infuriating on his best day, but the sight of him standing there holding his baby, letting him pull on the dark hair that falls over his forehead, would make any woman weak. Why do the jerks always have to be so good looking?
Axton had overheard my conversation with Dani about hearing protection for Caden, and my worry he may not be willing to leave earplugs in. Which means I’d have to keep him clear of the concerts. I didn’t know he was looking to solve the problem though.
“Baby noise canceling headphones,” he says to me, gesturing to them. “They have a strap to keep them from falling off.”
Caden grins up at us when I put the headphones on him. They’re surprisingly light, and he looks so adorable with the big headphones on his little head.
Axton seems at a loss for words after that and hands Caden back to me so I can put him to bed. “We leave at eight.”
“I’ll be ready.”
A curt nod from him and he’s gone.
He’s so unpredictable lately that I never know what to expect from him. Sharp words or none at all.
I’m awake hours before my alarm the next morning. Caden hasn’t even made a peep yet, and it gives me a chance to have some coffee and double check I have everything we need. Going on the road with a baby is no joke and I’m not completely sure where we’ll be spending most of our time.
Hotels? The tour bus? Airplanes?
I want to make sure I can keep Caden happy and comfortable wherever we end up. It may be a bit overwhelming but that doesn’t keep me from having a smile etched into my face this morning. I’m so excited to get to travel around the country, see new things, and meet new people.
Axton walks into the kitchen and smirks at me as I start preparing some breakfast for me and Caden. Dani never wants to eat in the morning and I never cook for Axton. If you can’t be nice to me, you’re not getting anything from me. Simple as that.
But today, I’m in a great mood. Pointing a spatula at him, I warn, “Don’t start with me. I’m going to make some blueberry pancakes. Do you want some?”
“Depends. Are you going to spit in them?”
Leaning against the counter, I watch him pop a pod into the coffeemaker. “I guess I can if you’re into that. Weird kink if you want me to be honest.”
It’s almost too fast to see before he turns his head, but a small grin plays on his lips.
“Watch it. You almost smiled. That would be too weird for me to handle this early in the morning. How many pancakes?” With my back to him, I dump the blueberries into the batter and stir it. When he hesitates before answering, I glance back to find him staring at my ass. Granted it was swinging back and forth a bit as I stirred, but I’m surprised to see him so…fascinated.
I’d like to say it was only the one night that I thought about him in any sort of…unprofessional way. I can’t. I don’t know what it was exactly, the lyrics or the deep soulful voice that sang them. The pain on his face that said he meant and felt every word. The way he’s finally stepped up and become active in Caden’s life. Something humanized him in my eyes. It made me see him differently.
Don’t get me wrong, he’s still a total jerk way too often for me to actually want him—not that it would be an option anyway. But not hating him has had the unfortunate side effect of letting me see how sexy he is. Today, for example, his hair is still damp, lying dark on top of his head while the sides are freshly buzzed. He’s trimmed his whiskers down to a scruff that extends down his neck just enough to give him that look like he isn’t trying to be neat.
His long legs are covered in denim, ending in a scuffed pair of black boots. The sleeves of his navy button up shirt are rolled up to reveal slightly hairy forearms. Why is that sexy? I’m turned on by a forearm? That does it. Another goal on this trip. Get laid or find a fuck buddy because I’m really losing it.
Of course, he started it by staring at my ass.
“Axton, stop looking at my ass. How many pancakes?” I snap, trying to act annoyed. My nipples aren’t playing along. Little traitors.
His gaze whips to mine, and I wait for him to deny it. God knows the man loves to argue. “Four,” he says, grabbing his full coffee cup from the machine. Caden begins to babble to himself, and he adds, “I’ll get him.”
