It felt just like the hideous phone call we’d had after Sarah returned from her honeymoon, and I absolutely didn’t want to go down that road again, especially after we’d had such a good talk when I’d stayed over at hers. It was time to change the subject. ‘How’s the shop?’ I asked.
‘Fine. A bit quiet after the Valentine’s Day rush, but it will soon be Mother’s Day.’
‘Are you okay?’ I asked, noticing that Sarah’s eyes had filled with tears.
She sniffed and dabbed at her eyes with a tissue from her pocket. ‘Sorry. Think I’m getting a bit of a cold. Watery eyes. Do you mind if I have some of that water?’
I picked up the jug and poured her a cup. ‘Are you sure you’re okay? You don’t look too good.’
‘Just a bit tired. It’s been busy at work. I’ll go and find another chair.’
Elise caught my eye as Sarah headed towards the nurses’ station. ‘Is something wrong with her?’ she asked.
I shrugged. ‘Not that I’m aware of, but I’m not buying the “tired” thing. There’s something else.’
‘I think so too. Whatever it is, she obviously doesn’t want to talk about it. Maybe she’ll let us know later.’
‘The nurse is going to bring one over,’ Sarah said, returning to the bed. ‘So, how’s Shannon doing?’ She looked from Elise to me, then back to Elise. ‘Or have you already discussed this?’
‘No,’ I said. ‘I only got here about ten minutes ago. So, the update is that she came round on Monday but was in and out of sleep. She was more with it yesterday and asked for Luke. Callum told her about me, and she hit the roof and had to be sedated. Physically and mentally, they’re pleased with her progress so that’s really positive. Doesn’t look like the knock on the head has had any lasting damage. Emotionally, it’s clearly not so good. It’s going to be a long road and that’s another reason to be angry with my da. That man has such a lot to answer for.’ I unclenched my fists and tried to relax. The mere mention of him made my blood boil.
‘I’m sure he’ll answer for it one day,’ Elise said. ‘Changing the subject slightly, how’s it working out with Luke?’
‘It hasn’t been without its challenges. I’ve lost my job and I’ve been evicted, I’ve got baby sick on most of my clothes, and I still haven’t quite mastered feeding, burping or changing him. But the cuddles are worth it.’
‘I still can’t believe you’re a grandma,’ Sarah said. ‘And that you’ve walked out of the job you loved to take on parenthood, just like that. That’s such a huge commitment. Are you sure about it?’
‘It’s different and it’s unexpected, but what sort of person would I be if I’d refused to do it? I’d have kept Shannon if I’d had any choice but I wasn’t given one, as you know.’ I winced at the sharpness in my tone.
‘I didn’t mean it like that,’ Sarah said.
‘Sorry. Ignore me. I’m seriously stressed by the whole Shannon situation. Do you want to see a photo of them?’ I dug in my bag for my mobile and thrust it under Elise’s nose.
She smiled. ‘Aw, she’s just like you. And Luke’s a little baldie! How cute.’
‘He’s started to get hair now. Looks like he may be a redhead.’ As I said the word, an involuntary shiver rippled through me and that strange feeling was there again. What the hell was it?
‘Really? Is Callum a redhead?’
I shook my head. ‘Callum’s dark.’
‘Maybe the red comes from further back in the genes.’
‘Not on our side but maybe it does on Callum’s.’
Elise handed the phone to Sarah, who took it without a word. I frowned as her eyes filled with tears again. She cleared her throat and handed it back. ‘They’re gorgeous, Clare. I can’t wait to meet them.’ She fished a tissue out of her jeans pocket and blew her nose. ‘I think it’s time I headed off.’
‘But you’ve just got here,’ Elise protested.
‘I know. I’m sorry. I’m definitely coming down with something and I don’t want you to catch it, Elise. It’s the last thing you need right now.’ She stood up and picked up her bag. ‘Keep me posted. Both of you.’ Then she left.
‘Was it just me or was that really strange?’ Elise said, as soon as Sarah had gone.
‘Very strange,’ I agreed. ‘Although I think I was a bit snappy with her and I didn’t mean to be.’
She nodded. ‘I’m sure she’ll understand it’s not about her but about your situation. Do you think I should phone her later and ask her what’s going on?’
I shook my head. ‘You’ve got more than enough on your plate at the moment.’
‘And so have you. I’m sure she’ll tell us what’s wrong if she needs our help. Remember how she was with Jason? It took her a year to admit that she wasn’t happy with him and the first we knew of it was when she dumped him. She likes to work things through in her own mind.’
I nodded. I felt uneasy about it, though. What if she didn’t think we were interested anymore? What if she thought we had each other now and didn’t need her? Surely she wouldn’t think that. It was childish and Sarah wasn’t a childish person. She’d always wanted Elise and me to make our peace. Surely she was happy that we had.
But that feeling of uneasiness wouldn’t go away.
32
✉︎ From Elise
Hi everyone. Baby’s on the way! BP’s continued to rise and pre-eclampsia’s getting worse so they induced me early this morning. Waters have just been broken and everything seems to be happening. She’ll be 31 weeks tomorrow so scared but excited about early arrival. Been taking steroids to build her lungs so hopefully she’ll be OK. Stevie or I will text with news and a name when she’s born xx
Jesus! Thirty-one weeks. Elise must be terrified. After visiting her in hospital the week before, I’d Googled it and it seemed that thirty weeks was the magic number for a high survival rate so the odds were in her favour, as long as there were no further complications.
I strapped Luke into his car seat. ‘Are you ready to visit Mammy and Daddy?’ He stared at me and blew some bubbles. ‘I’ll take that as a yes. When you’re with your mammy today, will you ask her to stop sulking and accept that what happened when she was born was completely out of my control? I just want to see my daughter and try to make up for all the lost years.’ Luke blew some more bubbles. ‘Good boy! I knew you were the man for the job!’
I tried to relax as I drove to Jimmy’s. Again. To drop Luke off. Again. To face Callum’s slumped shoulders, the bags under his eyes and that apologetic expression. Again. It had been nine days since she’d woken up. Nine bloody days, yet she still point-blank refused to talk about me, never mind meet me. It broke my heart that she refused to let me in. If she had her way, I wouldn’t get to see Luke at all and I certainly wouldn’t be the one providing a roof over his head, but Callum had put his foot down. He’d moved into a visitor’s room but the reliance on his crutches and the recovery from appendicitis meant he couldn’t have Luke with him. Shannon wasn’t well enough to look after Luke and the hospital had already done their bit so Shannon didn’t really have a choice. I would remain as Luke’s primary care-giver and she’d have to like it or lump it.
‘Let’s take it as a good sign that she only had to be sedated the once,’ I said to Luke, as we drove towards Jimmy’s. ‘Did you have words with her and tell her that I’m not so bad?’
‘You look exhausted,’ I said to Callum, who was waiting for me on the seats near the nurses’ station as per our demanding new routine: 10 a.m. drop-off, pick-up two hours later. So much for worrying that I’d have nothing to do all day and no time with Luke. All I seemed to do now was ferry him back and forth, desperately trying to fit in shopping, cleaning and washing in between.
‘I had a bad night,’ Callum replied. ‘I think I’m also suffering from a lack of fresh air.’
‘If you can get hold of a wheelchair, I don’t mind pushing you around outside for a bit, if that would help.’
‘Tempting, but I’d better take Luke into
Shannon. She’s been asking where he is.’
Argh! Must control temper. Must not snap. ‘She’s been asking where he is? I’m… what?’ I glanced at my watch. ‘Two minutes late. Two minutes. And that’s only because your son decided it would be a good time to fill his nappy moments before we were due to set off. Only, when I say “fill his nappy”, I don’t really mean that. I mean his nappy, his dungarees and his T-shirt. Christ alone knows how something so small can generate so much. It was like a sewer had exploded in there. So I had to strip him, wash him and start again. Then, guess what? I realised that I had shit all over me too so I had to get changed. So I’m sorry I’m late by two whole minutes and have failed my daughter yet again. You’d better rush Luke to her side immediately and I’ll be on my way, rushing home, then rushing back again so that Luke and I are out of your hair by dinnertime, exactly as demanded. I’ve left my job and been evicted, yet she still won’t even grant me five minutes of her time. I get that she’s angry. I get that she was let down. I get that I wasn’t there when she needed me. What she needs to get is that I was forced to give her up, I was told that she was dead and I didn’t write that letter telling her I wanted nothing to do with her.’ Did really well controlling my temper there.
‘Feeling better?’ Callum asked.
I stared at the floor, feeling very sheepish. ‘Yes. Sorry. I wasn’t having a go at you. I just needed to vent. The whole situation’s getting to me.’
He smiled. ‘I’m surprised you didn’t do it sooner. The reason that Shannon was wondering where Luke was had nothing to do with her being demanding or thinking you were late. It was about her being anxious and nervous and wanting to get it over with.’
‘Get what over with?’
‘She’s had her sulking and thinking time, and she’s ready.’
‘For what?’
‘To meet her mum.’
I was shitting a brick as I held Luke close to my chest with one arm and wielded the baby carrier with the other. I had no idea what to expect. Would she rant at me, releasing a lifetime of pent-up frustration? If she did, would I be able to control my temper, or would my frustration at Da project onto her and ruin any relationship before it had even started? Or would she give me a chance to explain?
And if she did, was ‘I had no choice’ a good enough excuse for agreeing to the adoption? I had, after all, had a choice. I could have said no and faced the consequences.
Shannon had been moved onto a ward with six beds in it, five of which were occupied.
‘She’s on the far left,’ Callum whispered, as he hobbled beside me on his crutches.
I felt quite sick with nerves, my heart racing and my stomach churning as I approached my daughter. It took my breath away, seeing her sitting up for the first time, not surrounded by machines and wires. Her hair was shiny and fanned across her shoulders and there was colour in her cheeks.
‘Hi, Shannon,’ I said, my voice catching in my throat.
She looked me up and down, chewing on her lip, but she didn’t speak.
I panicked and thrust Luke towards her. ‘Somebody wants cuddles from his mammy.’
Shannon adjusted her position so I could settle Luke in her arms. She smiled at him and lightly kissed his head. ‘Thank you.’
‘You’re welcome.’
Callum settled into the chair closest to us and nodded encouragingly towards Shannon.
‘So, you’re my birth mum,’ she said. Her voice was low and gentle, devoid of any discernible accent. It threw me. For some ridiculous reason, I’d expected her to have an Irish accent like me. Of course she wouldn’t have!
‘It would appear so. How are you feeling?’
‘Sore. Tired. Grateful to be alive. Speaking of which, Callum tells me you thought I was dead.’
I nodded. ‘They told me you’d died shortly after you were born. That letter you got? It wasn’t from me. I knew nothing about it until Callum told me.’
‘He told me that too.’ Her tone suggested she doubted it was the truth but the hopeful look in her eyes made me think she wanted it to be. She nodded towards a chair on the other side of the bed. ‘You’d best pull up a pew and start from the beginning.’
‘Okay. Thank you.’ I moved round the bed and sat down. ‘Right. From the beginning?’
‘Yes please. But you might need to do it in two parts.’ Her voice had softened. ‘I get tired easily.’
I did manage to make it through the full story before Shannon’s eyes started to get droopy. ‘I’d better go,’ I said. ‘Will I leave Luke with you and come back later?’
‘No. Stay,’ Shannon whispered, before surrendering to sleep.
‘Do you want to see if we can get that wheelchair?’ Callum asked, reaching for his crutches. ‘I could do with some air. Shannon will probably be out for an hour or so.’
Fifteen minutes later, Callum and Luke were bundled up in coats and blankets, ready for a push round the grounds. Luke was due a feed so one of the nurses had heated up his bottle in readiness.
‘That seemed to go well,’ I said, as we left the building.
‘It went very well. I knew she’d come round.’
‘What happens next?’
‘With you and Shannon?’
‘With everything: Shannon and me, the three of you, hospital, where you live. Everything!’
Callum adjusted Luke’s hat to cover his ears better. ‘You and Shannon will continue to talk and get to know each other. She might still have stroppy moments but the hardest part is over. Me and Shannon will get married at some point, but the priority is getting her better. And me. They think I’ve got a urine infection so I’m having more tests.’
I stopped pushing the wheelchair and moved round it so I could face him. ‘No! Really? That’s not fair. Haven’t you been through enough already?’
‘You’d think so, wouldn’t you?’
‘Is that why you had a bad night?’
‘Yes.’
‘That’s bollocks. Sorry, Callum.’
He shrugged. ‘Could be worse. At least I’m in the right place to get it sorted out.’ Luke’s face crumpled and he let out a loud squawk. ‘Looks like someone’s ready for his feed.’
I resumed pushing as soon as Luke was settled with his bottle.
‘What else did you ask me?’ Callum said. ‘Oh yeah, where we’ll live. I don’t know. There’s nothing left for us in Northampton. No home. No job.’
‘What about your apprenticeship?’
‘Gone to someone else.’
‘No! Why did they do that?’
‘Because I told them to. It wasn’t fair to ask them to hold my place when I had no idea when I’d be able to return. Even when I’m better, Shannon won’t be, so I’m going to need to be around for her and Luke. For now, this place is our home. I’m temporarily back on the ward being monitored so it’s not costing us anything.’
‘You know you don’t need to worry about money, don’t you? I have savings. I can help.’
Callum shook his head. ‘There’s no need. We’ve got the money back from the house we were going to rent, and Shannon gets, like, an allowance from her parents’ estate. It’ll be tight without me earning but we’ll manage. Besides, we only need to scrape by till a year come June.’
‘Why? What happens then?’
Callum twisted round to face me, frowning. ‘Shannon’s eighteenth, of course. She’ll inherit half a million. Actually, it might be closer to £600,000.’
I stopped pushing. ‘You’re kidding?’
‘Her parents… her adopted parents… were loaded. It all went into a trust fund until Shannon’s eighteenth, with a monthly allowance till then. I’ll get a job and keep working, you know. I’m no sponger. And Shannon still wants to go to college so I want to bring in some income while she’s studying. I’d like to put some of the money aside for Luke’s future.’
‘From what I’ve learned about you, Callum, I know you’re definitely not a sponger. So your challenge isn’t money – it�
��s location?’
Luke finished his bottle and we stopped so Callum could burp him. ‘I don’t know where we’ll live,’ he said. ‘It’ll depend on whether we need to stay close to Jimmy’s or not. I don’t know Leeds, but it probably wouldn’t be in my top ten of places to live. Or Shannon’s. Big cities aren’t us. The Hendersons were out in the country and Shannon was brought up in a village.’
‘If you could live anywhere, where would you go?’ Please don’t say you want to move abroad, and definitely don’t say you want to move to Ireland.
Callum pondered for a moment. ‘I don’t really mind. It would need to be in the north. Shannon’s inheritance sounds like loads but it won’t buy us much down south. It would need to be a town or village. It would need to have a decent school for Luke. Shannon quite fancies living near the sea. I’ve never really thought about it, but why not try something different, after spending my whole life living miles from the coast? What I really want is to find somewhere that Shannon can properly call home. She’s carried those wooden boxes around with her for years. I want her to find somewhere to scatter the ashes.’
‘So, you want northern, coastal, not too big, reasonable house prices, decent schools and somewhere that feels like home?’
Callum ran his fingers through his hair. ‘I said I didn’t mind but it looks like I do, when you list it like that.’
‘I know the perfect place.’
‘You do?’
I smiled brightly. ‘Yes. Whitsborough Bay.’
33
✉︎ From Stevie
She’s here! Melody Hope. Born at 3.42pm by C-section as her heart rate had started to drop. She’s tiny – 3lb 9oz – but mum and baby are doing well. Melody’s on the special care baby unit. Elise is resting. Will report back with news #prouddad #firstselfie
Tears filled my eyes as I clicked into the image attached. Stevie, wearing a surgical mask, blue paper gown and hat, was closest to the camera, the joy clearly radiating from his eyes. I could guarantee the grin beneath that mask was enormous. On the right, Elise’s head rested on a pillow, her auburn curls hidden beneath a paper hat too, and a clear oxygen mask over her face, showing the biggest smile ever. Wrapped in a white towel, a tiny, red, wrinkly baby nestled between them, eyes tightly shut, fists in tiny balls under her chin.
Coming Home to Seashell Cottage Page 18
