Where It All Began

by Lorana Hoopes

  I knew he was trying to apologize, but his words cut like a knife and only deepened my regret in killing our child. Why couldn’t you have given the thought a chance before I ended our child’s life? A lump formed in my throat, and I clenched my hands at my side. He was waiting for me to say something, but the words wouldn’t come. All I could do was nod.

  Sighing, he picked up his suitcase and walked past me, out the bedroom door. Rooted to the spot, I listened for the click of the front door; only then did my body release my feet. I sank to the floor and wrapped my arms around my knees. The beige carpet swam like a muddy sea before me. Silence descended, and I let the grief wash over me in waves. Then I spied the remaining bottle, a life raft, under the bed and grabbed it. After unscrewing the cap, I took a long sip and let the fire burn my pain away.

  New Beginnings

  I expected the next few weeks to be hard, but a relief descended in not having to see Peter. He was gone, my car was gone; there was almost nothing to remind me of the “procedure” months ago, and I felt like I was slowly beginning to heal. The phantom crying hadn’t returned, and the liquid courage at night kept the dreams mostly at bay or at least kept me from remembering them.

  “Let’s go get some drinks tonight,” Raquel suggested as we finished the day. I grabbed my purse from the locker and shut the door. The sound of liquor excited me, even though the thought of dressing up and hanging around strangers held no appeal.

  I agreed only because it had been some time since we had gone out. We went our separate ways to change clothes and freshen up, agreeing to meet up at the bar an hour later.

  When I got home, I peeled my clothes off and rummaged in my closet. Though I wasn’t looking for romance, I pulled on a simple black dress and applied a little makeup before heading back out to meet Raquel at a nearby bar.

  The parking lot was full when I got there, and I had to park farther from the door than I would have liked. A few people lounged in the parking lot, and I scurried past them. Something about the bar crowd at night had always rattled my nerves. Raquel was waiting for me at the front entrance in a sparkly white dress.

  “Well, I feel underdressed,” I said looking down at my dark dress.

  “Nah, you’re good. It’s nice to see you looking better,” Raquel said as we flashed our IDs and entered.

  I smiled. “It’s nice to be feeling better.”

  We maneuvered through the smoky crowd up to the bar. Then my heart froze, and my feet melted into the floor. Peter sat at the bar with his arm around Sheila. Her hand lay on his thigh, and their heads were just inches apart. I shouldn’t have been surprised; I had seen the way he had gazed at her that day and the glass with the lipstick, but a part of me had hoped it wasn’t true.

  “Sandra,” Raquel tugged on my arm and then stopped. She turned to me, face white as a sheet. “Let’s just go somewhere else.”

  “No, it’s fine.” I shook my head. “I just wasn’t expecting it is all.”

  Peter looked up at that moment, and his eyes grew wide. His arm slipped off Sheila as a red flush crawled across his face. Noticing his change in demeanor, Sheila turned, and as she saw me, a malicious smile spread across her face.

  “Look just order, and I’ll go find us a seat,” I said to Raquel, forcing my feet to move and heading farther back to an empty booth. I brushed the crumbs off the table and sat down on the wine colored pad. I wasn’t really angry at Peter, more confused. How long had he been cheating on me? I shook my head. It didn’t matter; we would never have made it. Raquel plopped a large Pina colada down in front of me.

  “I’m so sorry. I had no idea he’d be here.”

  I peered up at her, “Did you know he was with her?”

  She bit her lip and dropped her eyes, turning her glass in a slow circle on the table top. “I’d heard some rumors today, but I didn’t see how telling you would make you feel any better.”

  She was right about that. I nodded and picked up the drink. “It doesn’t matter. Here’s to a girls’ night out.” I tipped the drink back, downing half of it. Raquel raised her eyebrow at me, but followed suit. One drink turned into two, and a couple of handsome men bought our third and fourth drinks. Raquel’s eyes began to glass over. “Come on, let’s go home,” I said, taking her arm.

  “What? No, the fun is just getting started.” Her words slurred, and she tipped to the side, righting herself before falling.

  “Not for you. You’ve had too much.” I pulled her toward the door, but she shook my hand off her arm.

  “No, you’re just no fun anymore. Ever since you . . .” I slapped my hand over her mouth to keep the condemning words from escaping. Rage burned inside me.

  “Don’t say another word,” I hissed. “I am trying to keep you from doing something you’ll regret.”

  She pulled my hand from her mouth, her eyes afire. “I didn’t regret mine, remember?” Her words were cold like ice, and that was all it took.

  “Fine, do what you want.” I turned around and stormed out of the bar, my cheeks flaming. As I walked to the car, the cool night air chilled my anger, and I realized she was right. I didn’t do anything fun anymore. I went to work, and then I went home. I rarely ever left the house for any other reason. This was the first time I had been out in ages. As I climbed into my car, I decided that I needed to get out more. If Peter was moving on, maybe I could too, as long as it was with someone else.

  Back at my apartment, I climbed into bed and closed my eyes, only to open them minutes later to the sound of cries again. A baby boy about six months old was lying next to me in the bed. He reached out a hand and smiled, and I reached for him. My arms had always fallen short before, but this time I was able to hold him. I wanted to hate him for the guilt he brought; I knew I’d done a terrible thing, but maybe he was coming to see me for a reason. Maybe there was relief in acceptance.

  Tears flowed down my cheeks as I studied his perfect features. Warm brown eyes peered at me from his chocolate skin, and his toothless smile began to mend my broken heart. The baby cooed, but all the words sounded eerily like mama. My breath caught at the words, and then tears streamed down the baby’s cheeks. There was no cry, just the echo of mama as the tears tumbled down. I pressed the baby to my chest to comfort him. Somehow, I would tell him how sorry I was, and then my arms were empty. I stared at my hands, nothing; the bed next to me, empty. Tears fell down my cheeks as well; my baby was gone, Peter was gone, and I had nothing but dreams to look forward to.

  I woke up the next morning determined to be different. I was still sick over what I’d done, but being able to hold the baby had somehow allowed me to accept some of the consequences of my decision. I knew I couldn’t go back, though I still wished I had made a different decision, but I could enjoy the dreams of him whenever he came. It might hurt my heart, but it would also be the connection to the child I had lost, and somehow I would make sure he knew how sorry I was.

  Raquel was waiting for me when I arrived in the locker room at work to clock in. She rushed to me, chagrin written all over her face. “I am so sorry,” she gushed. “I’d had way too much to drink. I didn’t mean what I said.”

  “Stop,” I held my hand up, and she paused, pursing her lips together. “You were a jerk last night, but you were right. I haven’t been any fun lately, and I’m sorry.”

  “Really?” Raquel squeaked.

  “Really,” I nodded. “I’ve decided I need to try and get on with my life.”

  “How much so? I mean are you willing to try dating?”

  I raised my eyebrow at her and crossed to my locker to load my personal items for the day.

  “Hear me out. Philip has a single friend who’s very nice. Just come on a double date with us and see.” Philip was the chiropractor that Raquel had been dating for a few months. I had to give him credit; he’d lasted longer than most of Raquel’s flavors of the month.

  I closed the locker and turned around. “Okay.”

  Raquel shook her head and smiled. “I�
��m not taking no for an answer. Wait, did you say okay?”

  I returned the smile and shrugged. “I said okay.” She enveloped me in a giant hug, squealing in my ear. “Alright, alright,” I said pushing her off. “You’re excited, I get it.”

  “You have no idea,” she said. “Tonight, my place, seven pm.”

  I agreed and headed to the front desk for my assignment. Thankfully I wasn’t in pediatrics or labor and delivery today. Those were the hardest rotations for me. The day flew by uneventfully, and before I knew it, I was standing in my closet trying to decide what to wear on a blind date.

  I hadn’t been on a date in years. Peter and I had been together for three years, and we had met at a coffee shop. I had no idea what this guy even looked like. Sighing, I pulled a simple blue dress off the hanger and shimmied into it. My hair, I piled on my head, and after applying some lip gloss, I decided I looked good enough.

  As I pulled into Raquel’s apartment parking lot, butterflies began to swarm in my stomach. What if this man nauseated me like Peter had? Maybe I can return home and pretend I forgot. No, Raquel would never believe that, and she’d never stop nagging me. Sighing, I parked the car, grabbed my purse, and smoothed my dress before walking up to Raquel’s door.

  The door swung open just as my hand hit the wood. “You made it,” she smiled. “I was afraid you were going to flake on me.”

  I gazed down at my feet as a blush spread across my face. “I thought about it.”

  Raquel laughed and pulled me inside. “Well, I’m glad you didn’t. Come on in; Philip just called to say he and his friend were on their way. Do you want some wine?”

  Relief flooded my body; it wasn’t my normal drink anymore, but surely the alcohol would work the same. “Yes, a tall glass; lead the way.” I shut the door behind me and followed Raquel into her immaculate designer kitchen.

  Raquel’s father owned several hospitals in the area, and Raquel had never been wanting for money. The marble countertops had probably been cleaned by a maid just that day. I ran my hand across the tan, speckled surface, wishing I had the money Raquel did. Maybe if I’d had the money, I wouldn’t have had the abortion. I shook my head to clear the thought as soon as it emerged; I’d never get through this date if I kept thinking about that.

  A wine glass filled with red liquid appeared before me, and I tipped back the glass. The comforting fire didn’t accompany this liquid, but it still seemed to infuse me with courage.

  “Woah, try not to get drunk before dinner,” Raquel said, laughing. “Since when did you get so good at holding your liquor anyway?”

  My face flushed as I surveyed the now half-empty glass. “Sorry, I guess I’m just nervous.” Inside, my heart sped up. Would Raquel buy that? I’ll have to be more careful. I picked the glass up again for a dainty sip, and a knock sounded at the door.

  “Ooh, they’re here,” Raquel squealed. “Do I look okay?”

  I smiled as Raquel bounced on her toes. Her black dress hugged her figure and set off her pale skin and green eyes even more than normal. “You look radiant.” I placed my glass on the countertop and followed Raquel to the door.

  As the door swung open, my breath caught in my throat. Standing beside Philip was the man from 2B who had helped me the day of my mini-breakdown. What was his name? All I could remember was that it started with an H. Would he remember the breakdown? My throat constricted at the thought.

  “Hey baby,” Philip said, embracing Raquel and planting a kiss on her lips before turning to his friend. Philip was just as put-together as Raquel. His dark brown hair was perfectly combed, and his button down shirt and chinos appeared freshly pressed. “This is Henry; Henry, my girlfriend Raquel.”

  Henry stuck out his hand, but his eyes focused on me. My heart thudded loudly in my chest, and I brought a hand up to cover the noise. “Pleased to meet you ma’am.” Raquel tossed a conspiratorial wink at me before smiling and returning the handshake.

  “Please come in,” she said. “This is my friend Sandra.”

  Henry crossed the threshold, and my heart froze. Would he tell them he knew me or how we met? His smile widened, and my heart began to melt. Somehow, it comforted me.

  He stuck out his hand as if we’d never met. “Pleased to meet you, Sandra.” His brown eyes twinkled, putting the ball in my court. I could play along or tell them the truth; he had given me the choice.

  I swallowed as my mind went over both options. I didn’t enjoy lying to my friend, but she didn’t know about my drinking either, so I guess I’d already been lying to her, and telling them about my mental breakdown before dinner wasn’t appealing either. Besides, Henry was being very nice to let me save face. I took his hand and returned the smile. “It’s nice to meet you, too.”

  “Okay, small talk over,” Philip broke in. “We have reservations, so we better get going.”

  “Thank you,” I whispered to Henry as we followed Raquel and Philip out of the apartment. He smiled and nodded and then held out his arm in a lead-the-way gesture. We all piled into Philip’s red BMW to make the trek to the restaurant. Raquel and Philip caught up on their day in the front seat, which gave me the chance to speak quietly to Henry in the back. “Why didn’t you say you knew me?”

  He smiled. “I’m going to guess that wasn’t a good day for you, and probably not a usual one. Why would I call attention to a time that was obviously hard for you?”

  Those days were more regular than I would have liked, but I smiled and nodded. There was something about Henry. I observed his open face, trying to figure out what made him seem so different. He was handsome, but not model handsome. In fact, one eye looked a little larger than the other. His teeth weren’t perfectly straight, but that didn’t affect his warm smile. His suit was nice, but didn’t appear overly expensive; it made me wonder how he and Philip were even friends. Of course, I felt the same way about Raquel and myself sometimes, but we had been friends since meeting in college.

  As we pulled into the restaurant’s parking lot, Henry touched my arm. “Please wait here and let me get your door.” I raised an eyebrow at him, but did as he asked.

  When the car parked, he got out first and then came around to my side of the car, opened the door, and held out a hand to help me up. I smiled as I took his hand. How long had it been since a man had held a door open for me? It seemed to happen less and less as feminism grew and women demanded equal treatment. While I agreed women should get paid the same if they did the same job, I did miss the chivalrous gestures that men used to do.

  We walked into the upscale restaurant and Philip gave his name to the hostess, who sat us immediately. A white cloth covered the table, and a candle centerpiece emitted a romantic glow in the dim restaurant. I reached for my chair, but Henry beat me to it and pulled the chair back for me. I flashed him another smile before sitting down. Then he pushed my chair in before taking his own seat. Raquel raised an eyebrow at me, but I shrugged in response.

  The delicate paper menu held only a few choices, and my eyes widened at the prices. I should have thought to ask where we were going before I agreed. I didn’t have the money to spend so much on dinner, especially since Peter had moved out and money was much tighter. My heart thudded in my chest as I quickly scanned for the cheapest item on the menu; even the side salad was nearly fifteen dollars. How do people afford this? Well, the salad comes with bread and a bowl of soup, so at least it should be enough to fill me up.

  The waiter, clad in a white dress shirt and perfectly pressed black pants, appeared just as I laid the menu down. “Have we had enough time?” he asked politely, glancing at each of us before focusing his attention on Philip, who took the lead in ordering.

  “Yes, we’ll have two glasses of your finest red wine and two plates of the steak and lobster, grilled medium well.” He handed his and Raquel’s menus to the waiter.

  “Very well,” the waiter nodded and turned his attention to me.

  I swallowed. “Um, I’ll have the side salad and the tomato soup
.”

  The waiter cocked his head. “Will that be all miss?”

  My face flushed, and just as I was about to answer, Henry jumped in. “Yes, and the same for me please.” He handed our menus to the waiter.

  The waiter nodded. “Yes, sir, and anything further to drink?”

  Henry glanced at me; I shook my head. “No, water will be adequate for now, thank you.”

  As the waiter turned away, I regarded Henry. Who was this man, and why was he being so nice to me? He caught me staring and shot me a small wink as he picked up a piece of bread.

  “So, Henry, what do you do?” Raquel asked as she nibbled her own piece of bread.

  “I’m in sales,” he said. “Not glamorous and I don’t save lives like you all, but I do get to meet some interesting people.”

  “Was that how you met Philip?” I grabbed a piece of bread for myself.

  Philip laughed, “No, we actually met at the gym. It turns out, we both like racquetball.”

  “Well, I need to freshen up,” Raquel said, pushing back her chair. Immediately Henry pushed back his chair and stood. Raquel and I both gawked at him. “Um, Sandra, will you come with me?” she stammered. I nodded, but before I could push back my chair, Henry was pulling it out for me. I flashed him a small smile and followed Raquel to the bathroom.

  As soon as the door closed behind us, Raquel whirled to face me. “He seems nice, right? I mean a little odd with the standing thing just now, but nice, don’t you think?”

  “Actually, yeah he does, and the standing thing just now was him being chivalrous. At military balls, all the men at the table stand anytime a woman gets up from the table. It’s a sign of respect.”

  Her eyebrows knitted together. “Really? How do you know that?”

  “My dad was in the military, remember? He always told me growing up how a man should treat a lady and being chivalrous was one of his big points. I’ve never actually met a man who does it outside the military though, but it kind of makes me feel special.” Warmth flooded my body at that realization.