“It’s time for the bouquet toss,” the DJ announced into the microphone. Blushing, I grabbed the bouquet and headed to the middle of the floor where a chair was set up. Stepping onto the chair, I surveyed the small crowd of single women. Then I turned the opposite direction and tossed the bouquet into the air.
“I got it,” Raquel’s voice called, and I smiled. I figured she would be marrying soon whether she caught the bouquet or not, but I had hoped it would land in her hand. Slowly the guests began filtering out. Henry and I stood at the door, hugging and shaking hands as they left.
After the majority of the guests had departed, I handed my parents my spare keys. “Please enjoy the apartment. You can leave the keys on the table when you leave, but don’t forget to lock the door.”
“It was so good to see you baby. Don’t forget to come visit,” my mother cried, hugging me as tears streamed down her face.
“Mom, why are you crying?” I asked, shaking my head.
“Because my baby is married.” She sniffled into a tissue.
“Good grief, mom. I’m not going anywhere. You’re just gaining a son.”
My mother nodded and embraced Henry. “Take care of my baby.”
Henry nodded, promising he would. Then he turned and shook my father’s hand. Sylvia and David came next and hugged Henry. David hugged me as well, but Sylvia could only muster a tepid handshake. I wondered if I would ever have a relationship with my mother-in-law. Raquel and Greg wandered over and offered to help load the mountain of gifts into Henry’s car. We handed them the keys while we said goodbye to the final few stragglers. When they had finished loading the car, they returned the keys and bade goodbye as well.
“Well, shall we?” Henry opened the door and stood looking at me.
Suddenly the ball of nerves began to tangle in my stomach. I bit my lip, but nodded. The weight of Henry never having been intimate settled on my shoulders. What if it wasn’t good and he hated it or felt cheated? What if he wished he’d never married me?
“What’s wrong?” Henry asked touching my arm and causing me to jump.
“Oh, nothing,” I blushed, but decided to be honest anyway, “I just don’t want you to be disappointed.”
“Hey,” – he folded me in an embrace and kissed my forehead – “I followed Jesus’ commandments. He will bless our union, so I am not worried.”
I nodded again, but the ball of nerves continued to tangle.
The drive to the hotel was quiet, and the ball wound tighter. The check in was awkward, tighter still. The walk down the hall, silent. Henry inserted the key and turned the lock. The door swung open, and he flicked the light on.
A king size bed filled my view, and the nerves began to fray. This would be my first intimate encounter since “the procedure,” and I had no idea if I’d be able to do it. The nausea had never surfaced with Henry, but what if it did in the middle of the act? I had never been able to be intimate with Peter again, but was that because it was Peter or because I was ruined for life?
Fear glued my feet to the floor, and Henry turned to see why I hadn’t entered. His eyes roamed my face, and he smiled and stretched out his hand. My arm wouldn’t move at first, even though my heart wanted to go inside. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. My hand ventured up. The touch of his hand jolted my feet, and I crossed the threshold. The door clicked shut behind me.
On autopilot, I followed Henry to the bed, flanked on either side by a small brown dresser. The flowered pattern of the bedspread filled my vision as I let Henry lay me back. His lips moved down my neck, and as desire welled up inside me, I held my breath, hoping the nausea would not flare up.
An hour later, I lay smiling in his arms. As I traced a pattern on his chest with my finger, I felt a little lighter, as if one brick of the wall I had built over the last couple of years was finally crumbling. Sighing, I listened to the sound of his even breathing. I couldn’t remember the last time I had felt such peace, and then I stiffened as another thought filled my head. What if I had a dream of the baby tonight? How would I ever explain them? The thought dimmed my good mood. I’d been so used to sleeping alone that I hadn’t thought about sharing the night with Henry. Suddenly the urge for a drink blanketed me, and I licked my lips. I hadn’t noticed a mini-bar in the room, and I didn’t want to chance waking Henry by leaving the room, so I sent up a prayer for peace. I wasn’t really expecting an answer, but the desire ebbed, and my eyes grew heavy.
The next morning, Henry and I drove to the airport. I knew Henry didn’t have much money to spend either, so I was surprised when the ticket he handed me said Hawaii. I peered up at him, questions in my eyes.
He smiled. “My mother has made quite a fortune,” he said, “she bought us these tickets before she knew you weren’t her kind of feminist, but she decided to let us use them anyway.”
I laughed, and we headed to the terminal. After passing through security, we hurried to the gate and onto the plane. I had never been out of the continental United States, so excitement and nervousness battled within me at the same time.
The flight was long, but it was worth it. When we exited the plane, a woman handed us a lei in the airport. After grabbing our luggage, we took a shuttle to the hotel Henry’s mother had booked. All I could do was stare out the window at the beautiful view. The hotel sat right on the beach, and after dropping our bags in our room, we decided to take a walk down the sandy beach. As we walked, I realized how happy I was, and I began to think that maybe, just maybe, life was going to be okay now.
The Calm Before the Storm
As we pulled into the parking lot from our week in Hawaii, I laughed out loud.
“What is it?” Henry asked.
“Well, I guess we better decide whose apartment we are going to live in. It makes no sense to keep both.”
He smiled. “Actually, I thought we’d look at a house.”
“Really?” An image of a wrap-around front porch and a white picket fence jumped into my mind.
“Of course, apartments aren’t great for kids. I want to have a big yard, so the kids will have lots of room to run. And maybe a pool.” His eyes lit up as he was speaking, and I smiled back, hoping it would come true. Somewhere in the back of my mind though, I worried that I had ruined my chance of having kids. I knew, from attending church, that God did not condone abortion. What if my punishment was to never get pregnant again?
“That sounds lovely. I can’t wait.”
“For now, let’s stay in yours. I have fewer clothes I would have to move,” he laughed.
We each grabbed a stack of presents and carried them inside. After setting them on the table, Henry went back out for the rest of the gifts and our suitcases, and I took the moment to glance around the apartment. I didn’t have any bottles still lying out, did I? I was pretty sure I had thrown away the last bottle when I had finished it.
Henry returned, and we stared at the mountain of gifts flowing off the table.
“I guess we better get started,” I said, grabbing a notepad to keep a list of what was given by whom so I could send thank you notes later. We sat on the couch and took turns opening the gifts. Most of them were things we could use like towels and matching plates, but a few oddball gifts made their way into the stack.
“Does anybody actually use these?” I asked, holding up an ugly gravy boat with a weird blue symbol on the side.
“No one ever did in my house,” he agreed, smiling, “but then we didn’t eat a lot of gravy.”
After finishing the gifts, we retired for the night. The jet lag was kicking in, and we both had work in the morning.
As I curled into Henry’s arms in bed that night, I thought again about how perfect everything seemed.
Rising for work, after being off for a week, proved no easy task, and Raquel cornered me as soon as I got in to let me know she had set a date. I plastered a smile on my face and congratulated her, but I wondered if Greg would end up like Philip and so many other guys she had dated.
/> I invited her to church with us again, but like always, she declined. I wasn’t sure how much I should push her, especially since I wasn’t sure on my own “status” with God, so I let the topic go and just enjoyed her company for the rest of the day, but I was really looking forward to going back home to Henry’s arms.
I had always loved intimacy, until the “procedure” anyway, but there was something much more special about being intimate with a spouse. No fear existed of him seeing someone else another night. No worry loomed about picking up some unknown disease or getting pregnant out of wedlock. In fact, I wrestled with the desire of wanting a baby now. On one hand, I really wanted children with Henry. I wanted them to fill the yard we didn’t have yet and hear them laughing, but then I would remember how I threw my first child’s life away, and I would wonder if I really deserved more children. How could I love them when I couldn’t love that first baby enough to fight for him?
When I got home that evening, Henry stood waiting just inside the door, keys in hand.
“Are you ready?” he asked.
My forehead wrinkled, and I tilted my head. “Ready for what exactly?”
His eyes gleamed as a steady smile spread across his face. “Ready to see a house? I talked with an agent today, and it sounds like everything we want. It just came on the market, and he can meet us in fifteen minutes. Want to go?”
I had never seen him so excited; he was nearly bouncing up and down.
“Let me just change clothes,” I said and hurried to the bedroom to pull on some jeans.
“So where is this house?” I asked as we drove.
“You’ll see.” Henry tapped his fingers on the steering wheel and hummed. A contagious smile stretched across his face from ear-to-ear. I found myself smiling and singing along with the music too.
The drive wasn’t far, just twenty minutes or so to the edge of Mesquite. As he pulled into a driveway, I sucked in my breath. It was like he had read my mind. A white picket fence surrounded the property, and a huge wrap-around porch circled the house. The house itself was a light blue with white trim.
He parked next to what I assumed was the agent’s car, and we got out. The gate squeaked just a little as he pushed it open, so we could walk up the gravel path to the front porch. The door opened as we stepped up to it, and a man I vaguely recognized from church stood on the other side.
“Henry, Sandra, you made it. Welcome.”
“Thank you James for letting me know about this.” Henry stuck out his hand, and the men shook hands.
“You bet. Come on in. So, this house is 2100 square feet. Four bedrooms and three bathrooms.”
Immediately dollar signs filled my head, and I flashed back to the first wedding dress shopping fiasco. Was I going to fall in love with the house only to find out we couldn’t afford it? “That’s way more house than we need,” I said, imagining the payment and trying not to get my hopes up.
“Not if we plan to fill it with children,” Henry teased and squeezed my hand. My face flushed hot, and James laughed.
“Well, this is the living room,” James continued. The beige carpet in the spacious room was in decent shape, but the floral patterned wallpaper would definitely have to go. “And here’s the kitchen.” James led us into a charming beige and blue kitchen with white appliances.
“Plenty of room for a large dining table,” Henry said, holding his hands in a square as if picturing it.
“And back here is a guest room or an office.”
“Or a playroom for all the kids.”
“And a bathroom,” James continued. The bathroom was small – just a toilet and sink – but it was painted a soft rose which helped offset the size. “And upstairs we have the bedrooms, if you’ll follow me.” The staircase had an ornate brown rail, and as my hand trailed up it, I could almost see children sliding down it in the future.
The landing opened up to another beige carpeted hallway. The three bedrooms were all about the same size and shared the guest bathroom on one end. The master bedroom was situated at the other end, and as James opened the door, my jaw fell. The huge room gaped with space; plenty of room for a king-sized bed, a dresser, and even a desk and chair if we wanted. To the left, another door opened into a large walk-in closet and a large bathroom with both a shower and a soaking tub.
“Here’s the best part.” James brought us back into the room and led us to the large window. When he pulled back the curtain, a small balcony that oversaw the backyard appeared. A small swing set and slide were set up, and there was plenty of open grass for kids to run around in.
“It’s perfect,” I sighed, “but it has to be more than we can afford. It’s so much house.”
“Why don’t we go back downstairs, and we can talk price,” James suggested.
We followed him back to the kitchen, and he laid out some papers on the bar. “Okay, now, generally speaking this house would go for $120,000, but the owner is a friend of mine, and she specifically said if I found the right family for this house that she would take $100,000. I know you don’t have children yet, but Henry told me about your dream house and his dream of a house full of kids, and I think you guys are that family.”
“I can’t do that math in my head; what does that come out to each month?” I held my breath, hoping the answer would be low enough for us to afford.
“It’s about $500 a month, depending on taxes and your credit, of course.”
My heart stopped; he couldn’t be serious. A smile broke out across Henry’s face.
“We can do that,” he whispered. “We can do that.”
I nodded and squeezed his hand. “What do you think?”
He gazed into my eyes, and together we turned to face James. “We’ll take it.”
It took a few weeks for all the paperwork to go through, but soon we were moving into our new house. I convinced Henry to take down the hideous wall paper in the living room, and, though he grumbled, he agreed the final result was worth it. We did a few other minor touchups, but the house had been pretty move-in ready.
Raquel, Greg, and a few other friends from church showed up to help us move. The men did most of the heavy lifting, while Raquel and I began unpacking. She rattled on about her upcoming wedding as I put away clothes in the dresser.
“Did you hear me?” she asked.
“I’m sorry, what?” I turned to face her.
“I said, I think I’m pregnant.”
My heart froze. I knew Raquel well enough to know she probably still wasn’t ready to be a mom, but I couldn’t believe she would have another abortion and tell me about it, knowing how terrible my experience was. “What are you going to do?” My voice came out barely more than a whisper, and I realized I had twisted the shirt I was holding into a knot.
“I don’t know,” she sighed, “I’m not sure I’m ready to be a mom yet, and besides I would never fit in my dress.” My jaw dropped at her. Was that all she could care about? “But,” – she continued, seeing my face – “though I didn’t have the bad experience you did, I’m not sure I want to have another abortion either. It certainly wasn’t the best thing I ever went through, and it can’t be good on your body. I don’t even know why I’m telling you; I guess I just needed to say it out loud. I haven’t told Greg yet.”
I pursed my lips, trying to think of the right words. Raquel was my friend, and I loved her, but I could no longer condone an abortion, and I wasn’t sure if I would be able to be around her if she had another one.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything,” she said. “Maybe I’m wrong anyway. It’s only been a few days.”
“If you’re not wrong,” I said, “please don’t have an abortion. Give the baby up for adoption if you guys can’t raise him or her, but please don’t kill the baby. Henry would probably even want to raise the baby, if you can’t.”
Her eyes grew wide at the serious tone in my voice. “Okay, I’ll think about it.” A tense silence fell on us as we went back to our tasks.
; I could think of nothing else the rest of the evening, and as I lay in bed with Henry that night struggling to focus on our devotional, he touched my arm.
“Hey, what’s the matter? You’ve been acting weird all day.”
I sighed. “I’m not sure if I should say anything; it isn’t about me, really.”
He picked up my hand and caressed the top. “I’m your husband. You can tell me anything, and I promise to keep your secret.”
His brown eyes seemed so sincere that I decided I could trust him, at least with part of it. “Raquel thinks she might be pregnant, and she isn’t sure she’s ready.”
His finger stopped its circling pattern on my hand. “I see. Are you jealous because she might beat us, or is there something else?” His voice sounded slightly off, and I glanced up at him. A hardness burned back in his eyes.
I had never seen this side of him. “Are you okay?”
He stared at the ceiling and took a deep breath. “Do you remember the night you met my parents?”
“How could I forget?” I scoffed.
“Do you remember what my brother said?”
I thought back to the night a few months ago, and the image replayed in my head. Suddenly, I remembered I had wanted to ask him what that was about, but I’d gotten so busy that I’d forgotten. Then my mind jumped to the wedding and Anthony telling me about their sister. I had no idea if I was right, but suddenly I was sure the conversation had had something to do with her.
“What happened to Camilla?” I asked. Henry’s head snapped my direction. His eyes widened and filled with questions. “Anthony mentioned her at the wedding. He didn’t know I didn’t know.”
He sighed and rubbed his forehead. “I should have told you a long time ago, but I guess I was ashamed.”
Where It All Began Page 12
