I promise!
THURSDAY
27
JULY
Everything’s alright. Forget about my paranoia and stupidity.
FRIDAY
28
JULY
Everything’s brilliant.
WEDNESDAY
13
DECEMBER
I PASSED BURSARY!
1. I’m still going out with Darius.
2. I’ve been accepted to the 18 weeks tech course.
3. I’m working full time at Kendals during the Christmas holidays.
4. I’m bloody sunburnt!
Well, at least no more worries for a while. I’ll write later.
Diary 1990
MONDAY
1
JANUARY
It’s 1990! Tomorrow I will be going to the beach with Mum, Nina, and Penelope.
Tomorrow night I will be with Darius. He is coming over at 8:30 after work. It’s a pain that he has to work tomorrow, just when I get my holidays and can do something. He is moving out of his house this Friday to a new place. I want to help out on Saturday.
I’ve only got 2 more weeks of work left and I can’t wait till it’s finished. Darius is back to working at his old job on Wednesday.
I went to a New Year’s party last night, but I couldn’t do what I wanted that day, because I was really sick from four in the morning onwards because of a stomach bug. I was vomiting and had diarrhoea. Awful aye!
Mike Nicholls and Liam Hudsworth will be going back to karate on Sunday, so it will be a lot more fun now. I really like karate heaps. They are going to be there for about a year so they can get their black belt, because if they don’t go back they will lose their brown belts.
I don’t much like talking over the phone, because it’s not really private, anyone can listen into your conversation, and you can’t say all the things you want just in case you might get into trouble with your parents because they are within earshot.
Now I have to hide my diary because I’m going to get more personal. I know I’m already doing personal stuff, but this time I’m actually going to write about the people close to me and around me. And if they read it both of us could be hurt. I’m not going to say anything awful about them, because I couldn’t, I love them, and wouldn’t hurt them in any way. I know what my older brother and sister did was wrong in Mum’s and Dad’s eyes and I would never hurt my parents deliberately. I believe what Lauren did wasn’t totally wrong, but also not totally right either. She may have needed to get away and be independent, but she did it with the wrong person, but everyone makes a mistake and I’m no exception, so it was her decision to make. And how would she have known that the guy she flatted with was the wrong person, and anyway she was definitely old enough to move out, it’s just that my culture is strict, and you’re not supposed to move in with a guy unless you have married them. My older sister is a lovely person, so she wouldn’t have wanted to upset my parents, but ... I don’t know, things can be hard sometimes. You want to do something, but you know it may upset other people. I suppose that’s why I keep my thoughts in here and don’t say them to people. It’s just hard to please everyone, including yourself.
Anyway, I’m really looking forward to this year at tech, and all the other experiences that I will be having. Though, I’m still confused about my relationship with Darius, but I know I do care for him a lot. I must, because I always want to be with him. I know he likes me heaps too, because he told me more than once in different ways and he is not one for saying things he doesn’t really mean. I also think he is more serious about me than any of his previous girlfriends, and that he wouldn’t hurt me. He’s always saying things that are flattering, and I would be lying if I didn’t say that I was flattered.
I don’t know whether I should write some of the things I want to in this book, because if it gets read I would be in big trouble and they are only thoughts and feelings, and I don’t believe one should probe into another’s feelings and thoughts, because only that person should know about them, unless they specifically want to tell anyone that is close to them, although they might want to hide it from these people specifically.
I’m a bit scared of going to tech, but excited too, because it’s something new and unknown to me, and I’m unsure whether I can match up to it. I really hope I can cope with all the workload, because it’s supposed to be really pressured, a million times more than the average school, especially since it’s for such a short time (18 weeks), so more things will be crammed into it. There are only 18 people doing the course, and I’m curious, not to say the least, and I will definitely be nervous when I go. Getting into tech and being with Darius are both boosts to my morale and confidence. Tech proved that I am a good artist, because I was only one of 18 who were accepted from 130 or so people for the course, so they must have been impressed with my work.
Everything has worked out really well, because if I didn’t base my art in 1989 on a patterning style I may never have gotten into tech, since this is the type of work they associate with graphics, which means I’m suited for their course. At least I know I’m good for something. And I’m the only one in our family out of us kids to actually go for a career that was my number one choice, not second best, but my first and upmost wish. I want to be a graphic artist with my own studio and assistant. I want to do well in my career too. Also, Darius wants to do well in his career. He wants to be a lawyer and a millionaire by the end of this decade, and he is actually really serious about it. It’s mainly because of the way he was brought up that makes him really want to do well in his career, because of the tough times.
Darius is also proof that I’m not unattractive to males like I tried to make out last year, and all those years before. There were others who liked me, but I was always naive, and I’m probably still naive, but in a different way. Gabriel Norton found me “Spunky” in his word, and I regret not going out with him, but I was only a 4th former with no knowledge of what boys were like, and anyway, the memory would probably be better than the real thing if he turned up now. Actually, I’m not sure I totally believe that, but I have Darius, so it doesn’t matter. He’s all I need.
Also, Zane confused me at the beginning of last year. He liked me at first then just led me on. But the way Amy went on about him later, I think he regretted not going out with me. He wished I was at that party and asked after me. I bet he might think of me like I think of Gabriel, but not as strongly. But Gabriel is a memory, while Darius is the present, and hopefully the future too.
I’m back to the subject of embarrassment. It’s funny too, because of the song that is now playing on the radio. ‘Wild Thing’ by Tone Lōc. But I don’t think of sex like the song does. It’s precious and I believe you got to be in love when you do it and if you’re in love you should be married, or intend on being with each other for the rest of your life, and that should be a marriage. I wonder why males want sex more than girls. I think Darius does. He says that if he goes too far with me that I should tell him, because he never wants to hurt me and I respect him for that. I hope he respects me (he should, especially since he treats me so nicely). I can tell he wants sex by his hints and joking suggestions and actions. Actually, now when I think of it I’m quite sure he wants it, he just said tonight that it is up to me. I won’t do it fully now anyway, because of pregnancy scares before marriage and because it isn’t right, not at this moment anyway. Just doesn’t feel right. It would be like I’m cheating on myself. It may sound selfish, but it’s the truth. I would be cheating Darius, too. When I do, do it, it is going to be right for everyone and mostly for myself and the one I love. Man, these songs on the radio love talking about sex. If these songs were played in the 1960s or 50s the artist and DJ would probably be arrested. Finally a good song. I love this song now by Belinda Carlisle. Her whole LP is brilliant.
Well, back to the subject I was talking about, or should I say ‘writing’. Penelope wants to hear about it tomorrow. You could say she is my best frie
nd, and you could say that I confide in her, and you would be right. She is more mature than me in most ways, but I still believe that I am mature in my own way too. I’m not immature because I haven’t had sex, and I really believe because I haven’t had it that I am more mature. It proves that I am not a flittish idiot of a girl. It also shows responsibility. I think Penelope is really nice, but she gets more carried away than me, not like Amy, though. She gets carried away in a serious way, but it’s all too fast. It’s probably her upbringing and earlier experiences with boys than me. My culture is different and if it wasn’t I might be like her now if I had her experience. I’m not saying what she did is wrong, no way, no one but herself can say whether it is wrong or not, and no one can say what I do is wrong or not, because I believe in myself and I know I’m not an irresponsible person, and I don’t do anything on the fling. My upbringing made me feel this way, and I now know whether something is acceptable or not. I know that my upbringing is strict and I respect that. It shows that my parents care enough for my well-being and that they love me. Also, they must be scared that I will do what my older brother and sister did and they will do anything to prevent it. Although I can’t say what my siblings did was wrong or right, that’s not my decision to make, plus everyone has different opinions. The average Kiwi probably would think what they did was fine, but my family aren’t the average Kiwis. Still, I believe I won’t do what my brother and sister did, because I am my own person and I do have my own feelings that are individual and uncopied, and I will do what I believe is right in my own unique individual way, and that will be without any hurt feelings within my family, because I love them too much to hurt them, and I don’t think they can take another child of theirs going in a direction that they object to. I want them to be proud of me, and I want me to be proud of myself and my actions, so I must do what feels right. I love my family and parents and I will never hurt them intentionally or unintentionally.
I better stop writing now because everyone has gone to sleep, and I’ll probably write some more tomorrow. I won’t make any resolutions now, because:
1. I can’t think of anything and
2. I know what I want to be like and things will come naturally.
I’ll just say that the resolutions I made last year came true.
TUESDAY
2
JANUARY
(And, yes, I still can’t believe it’s 1990)
It doesn’t feel like 1990, and it didn’t feel like Christmas before. A lot of people said the same thing. It may be because everything changes as we get older. It doesn’t feel like anything special now – it feels weird.
I just made a pudding before. I need to learn to cook more, because I’m getting to the age where I need to know how to cook.
I didn’t go to the beach in the end, due to the stuffed weather. Instead, I stayed home and watched a good movie called ‘Weird Science’ with Nina and my two cousins, Tasha and Marija, who are staying another night.
I can’t wait till my full-time work at Kendals finishes. It would be great to be free of responsibilities for a couple of weeks.
I don’t feel like writing any more, maybe I’ll write more tomorrow.
SUNDAY
11
FEBRUARY
I feel awful. I feel like going to bed and crying and crying. Why? Because I’m a stupid fucking idiot. We were supposed to go to Long Bay today for the Foodtown Picnic and Darius, Aunty Vesna, and some others were supposed to come. But Darius phoned up and said he couldn’t make it, because he had forgotten he’d already made plans with his brother to go to the speedway. All I did on the phone was say “Hm, hm, hm.” I couldn’t tell him that I was hurt or anything. The reason why I was going “Hm, hm, hm,” all the time was because if I said anything else my voice would have cracked and I would have cried. Well, I did when I put the phone down. I was really looking forward to the picnic today. He probably didn’t realise, but I was.
APRIL
(Typed on a piece of paper with no date. Due to the Easter and green belt references, I’m making an assessment that this must’ve been typed in April, 1990)
Diary...
Tomorrow I’m getting up at about 5:50 in the morning, because at 6:20 Darius, Brent, and Lisa are coming over to pick me up to go to the island where Darius and Brent’s father lives. We are to catch the ferry at 7:45. I’m hoping that it won’t rain because that will be a real bummer; also I’m hoping that Darius is feeling better and that his bug will be gone.
Yesterday I went to Deka to buy heaps of Easter eggs for both my younger sister and me, but it was mainly for Nina.
Next Sunday, I will be doing the green belt grading for karate. In this grading, I will have to break wooden boards, one with my hand and the other with my foot. Also, I will have to do 20 fights, which are about one and a half minutes each, and done one after the other. The people who I will be fighting range from white to black belts (and everything in between). I will have to fight mainly the really high grades and they will be really trying to get us bad. Also, there will be other things to do such as techniques, continuous techniques, and tarnran (don’t know the correct spelling). Tarnran is something done really hard for 4 minutes, it’s for spirit. I also have to do a theory paper too, but that’s at home. It will take about another three years to get my black belt, because you can’t get it under five years. I’ve been going to karate now for two years on Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday, and have done one karate camp, which lasted the weekend and was very hard.
SATURDAY
5
MAY
I want things that I cannot have, not materialistic things, but the right to think for myself and do my own thing, not to be tied up so much that I’m too weak to say what I feel because I know it’s damn useless to say anything. People want to run all over other people’s lives and those other people are afraid to cause hurt to those they love, the hurt which was caused by others who came before them. Me? Number 3 in the middle. The nervy one. Number one – the oldest left home to be with another, an alien to my parents, one who did not share the family’s ideals and views. She left and caused hurt, hurt that was one more burden to number 3. Always trying hard to do what both sides of her wanted caused 3’s ideals and feelings and wants to clash. But before number 1’s choices, even bigger problems came from number 2, the one who was meant to take over our father’s role, but cannot through no fault of his own. Not because he can’t, but because it goes against who he is, who he wants to be, how he wants to live. But, this clashed with our parents’ hopes and dreams for him, which ended in rebellion, causing him to break free to live a life our parents can never understand.
SUNDAY
13
MAY
Family drives you nuts sometimes, especially when you’re feeling sick and tired. Last night I went over to Darius’s house to see the film ‘Aliens’ and it was brilliant, a lot like ‘Leviathan’, which was absolutely brilliant. Well, forget about the films, OK! Darius really cares for me and I think, no, I won’t say it yet, but I really like him heaps and I really mean it. He’s the first person to really come close to me and want to know my feelings. He wants to know how I feel about us and what we do. He said that he doesn’t deserve me, and that I’m too nice for him, but he is so nice and caring, gorgeous, intelligent, and everything else. He wants to have sex with me, but won’t pressure me because he knows I’m scared of pregnancy and what it would do to my family. I can’t hurt my family, especially Mum and Dad, who are so vulnerable now, especially after my brother’s departure, and my older sister leaving to go live with her boyfriend. Darius would love me to live with him, but both Darius and I are thinking realistically: for one thing it would be too expensive, and another is that I can’t hurt Mum and Dad by leaving, especially when I know how they felt about Lauren’s departure. I know that they love me, but it does feel like I’m trapped, even more so since they are still trying to run Lauren’s life and she’s almost 24. I can’t stay at home forever. They e
xpect me to stay at home till I get married, but Darius doesn’t want to get married to anyone. He thinks it’s old tradition, so eventually he’ll want to live with me and what can I do but to say no. I think I love Darius, but it’s a new type of love, so I’m still unsure.
SATURDAY
9
JUNE
Mum and Dad have come back from holiday and I feel awful. I’m not going to trust Lauren again, but, bloody hell, as usual the same thing will happen over and over again. I will probably forgive her because I’m a bloody sucker. She was babysitting me and my sister, and dobbed us in when we went out, me to see Darius and Nina to see her friend. I’m 18! I should be allowed to go out with my boyfriend without having to check in.
Before all of that, this week was actually good, and I didn’t want the weekend to come. I admit I was very sore on Thursday and also Friday, because of my period, but I felt a little free since my parents weren’t home, not counting when Lauren was behind my back. Although, whenever Nina happens to be with Darius and me, I always get upset. I get put down so much. That’s one thing Darius doesn’t do, is put me down. He got upset when Nina did it to me and even more when he found out about me getting in trouble with my parents, and that really means something to me. Mum is now saying that she doesn’t trust me because I went out when they were away, after having trusted me all the times before. What the heck?! I have to do so much because I’m too scared, and I mean scared to do what I want, because it means my parents will get hurt. I can’t win either way. Darius has asked me to live with him because he cares a heck of a lot for me. Automatically what Mum and Dad will think is that we will be up to no good. Mum said there would be no future with him if he doesn’t want to marry. He is a human being I care greatly for and both of us are bordering on the line you could call love. He said he was unsure of it, so am I, but he said that his best friend asked him whether he loved me and he said to me that he liked me so much and that he could even say it was love, but to admit he is in love is such a great thing, because he actually said he didn’t believe in saying it because he hadn’t known it before, but when he said that to me it was like saying that I had changed his mind about it and that he would fall in love with me. I’m scared of everything. I’m a nervous person who looks out for everyone else but myself and it drives me crazy. It makes me so scared that I’m unable to do what I want because it clashes with other people’s feelings and wants. My parents lived a different life when they were children and they cannot ever imagine how I feel. They can’t! I feel sometimes that I’ve been bullied, picked on by my younger sister and older brother, then sucked up to afterwards, and with Mum and Dad’s pressure of not being allowed to do what I need to do is so hard. Because I’m the 3rd child I’m told I’m going to turn out like the first two if I move out, and if I do move out, that sooner or later I’m going to come back with my tail between my legs begging for forgiveness. They just can’t stand letting us go and live our own life. They are scared of losing us, but the way they are going about it is driving me nuts. I just want to have some time to think about what’s good for me, not for everyone else, because it will help me to be more confident and not so scared, and to be my own person, not another part of someone else.
Don't Peek (The Diaries of a Teenage Girl) Page 11
