I don’t see him that much anymore, except for special occasions, so it now doesn’t come into my mind that often. But, what comes into my mind now, or what I should say occupies my mind 24 hours a day both consciously and unconsciously is my hunt for a proper job. Continually over the past year I have been knocked back by one employer after another. It has been really frustrating, humiliating, and it hurts. I have tried hard, but after one knock-back too many I have become lazy and unwilling. This is true, because why am I sitting here now writing to you instead of walking those streets looking for work? Laziness or cowardliness?
Next Thursday on Dad’s birthday, I have an interview for a job for a new company, and I hope it goes well.
TUESDAY
14
MAY
Dear Diary,
I love Darius! I really do. He really moved me on the phone tonight. I love him so much! He was really down in the dumps. I think he was partly crying. I get that way too. He said he missed me. I couldn’t say much because my mum was in the same room as me. I really want to marry Darius, but he’s changed his mind and doesn’t want to marry. He said that it wasn’t because of me. He said that if he would ever marry it would be me, but he won’t, but he said that anything is possible. I’m praying that I can change his mind again like the last time. I really love and care about him. The problem is that he came from a broken marriage and he saw how much hurt it caused. His idea of marriage is that it’s a prelude to an inevitable divorce. I don’t believe in that.
It’s scaring me the way that he is talking. I know that he loves me, but university and other things are becoming too much for him. He has to support himself, which means he works a lot, as well as doing his university studies. He is so hard working.
Things are becoming totally jumbled for me. Too many different things go through my eyes and head every day, but seem meaningless.
I haven’t got a job in graphic art yet (full-time) and it’s causing chaos. I have almost, but not completely, lost interest in karate. It’s scary, but I believe that I was better as a beginner, because I had spirit and determination. I didn’t worry about getting hurt then, but now my fighting skills are poor because of this fear of getting hurt.
I have a karate camp this weekend, so I must use it to get my spirit back up. I can’t continue karate if my spirit hits rock bottom.
I feel like I must always be doing something or else I might start feeling confused and worrisome. So far I’ve had no great achievement this year, besides getting my driver’s license. That is great in a way, but what I mean is that I want to achieve something that is really wonderful, eg. getting a job, getting engaged, etc.
I feel real lonely sometimes, even though I have Darius and my family. I don’t have any real close girlfriends. Shena is my friend, but she isn’t close enough to know my secrets, wants, and expectations. I need a friend who knows those things. I must ring Penelope up. I hope she’s not too entangled in Simon so that she has no time left for me, because I really need a best (girl) friend.
I believe you make things out of life how you want it if you really try hard. That’s my problem. I haven’t tried hard enough and it is a fault. I must plan things better. If I want to succeed I must become more assertive and hard-working, and it is going to start tomorrow. From now on every night I will write down one success, emphasis on success, that I have achieved during that day. And if I fail on anything I must write it down too, so that I will remember everything about it and will never do it again, and will learn from it. I will also write what happened during that day and how I felt about it. I will carry you with me, Diary. Also, I must find a padlocked box for you.
I must be better than Nick at karate, Michael at self-defence, and always love everyone for themselves, and not listen to petty prejudices people spread.
WEDNESDAY
15
MAY
Dear Diary,
I now have an Omni cheque account. I went to the shopping centre today during my lunch hour to look for a sports bra for the karate camp, but I decided against getting one in the end. Therefore, I had half an hour spare, so I decided on getting a cheque account. Either tomorrow or Friday I will pick the cheque book up.
Today at self-defence and unarmed combat fighting, I did my first lot of sparring and it was heaps of fun. I also learnt how to do leg sweeps. There are thick mats on the floor, so we don’t get hurt when we get taken down.
After that I went back to Darius’ house for a while, then home. I’ll tell you more about it later. I’m getting tired now.
See ya!
MONDAY
27
MAY
Sorry about not writing sooner. I’ve been very busy lately. I went on the karate camp and have worked for two weeks at Kendals (yuck!). And I’ve had numerous amounts of activities on.
Tomorrow I’m going for an interview at the local newspaper after a long time of ringing them up. Anthony, a friend from high school, the one who left for journalism school, works at the Manukau branch. He tipped me off that the artist at the local branch had just left.
Yesterday I went to Rainbow’s End with Darius and it was fun. I’ll tell you about everything later on in more detail when I have time.
Goodnight!
SATURDAY
22
JUNE
Dear Diary,
I love Darius so much. I want to do more for him. He won’t have a part-time job soon, because his work is trying to cut staff off, which means that Darius will be in real financial difficulty, and I don’t know what to do. I really want to help him without hurting his feelings, because he is really independent.
I love him so much. I want to be with him all the time. But his views about marriage and religion are so different from mine. He’s an Atheist and so he doesn’t believe in what I believe in. He also told me he won’t get married, but once he proposed to me when we were younger, so I have a glimmer of hope that he might propose again.
I want to help and do as much for him as I can, and more.
(My teenage diaries finish here as the next diary extract is after I’ve turned 20. But since my diaries continue sporadically until 1993 I will include them)
WEDNESDAY
30
OCTOBER
Dear Diary,
I’m really worried about Darius not getting a job during the summer holidays, because if he can’t find work in Auckland he will go up to live with his father during that time, which is from just before December to March (3 months). I don’t think I can take that unless I visit him all the time, which will be very expensive. I’m really praying that he will find a job here. I love him so much.
Darius has exams now, so I won’t see him for a few weeks, which I pray will fly by fast because after only a couple of days I miss him.
I’ve seen a lot more of Shena lately. On Saturday I went to Hunter’s Plaza with her and her family, and also I saw a video with her and her boyfriend at night. The other day we drove around and we talked about flatting together. I think it’s a great idea. She said when we are around 21 would be a good time. I don’t know whether I can take much more of living with my younger sister. She is really unbearable to live with sometimes. She is so rude. Also, I need independence. I need to be able to cope on my own and learn, but I am really scared to tell Mum and Dad that I want to flat. I am 20 now and feel too babied. I feel so stupid, literally, as well as naive. I know nothing about flatting and taking care of myself. I know I’ll miss home a hell of a lot, but will get used to it. I need to experience life for itself, not something censored all of the time. I still get told what to do at 20 as if I’m younger, as if I was not an adult yet. I feel so smothered. I’m still shy and quiet, unsure of myself, because I’m being treated like a kid and I’m too scared to hurt my parents’ feelings and say that I want to move out. I’m scared Darius will leave me if they won’t give me space. Eventually everything will come to a climax and I will have to decide what to do and choose. I feel guilty that I
want my younger sister to leave and so they will want me to leave, too. Nina’s not really ready to leave at her age, it should be me leaving. I can afford it. I have a stable job, and Nina is unemployed, because she quit her job. I think I should move out next year, but trust me and my gutlessness, I won’t. I want to. It should be fun living with Shena, because she is a lot like me and we should get along well together under the same roof. Of course we’ll probably need a third person, another girl obviously, because my parents would throw a fit otherwise. I don’t want to hurt them, I just need space. I’ve had this feeling that things aren’t right together anymore, because we’re all grown up now, the kids, so I need to start the second phase of life, the independent learning, experiencing phase. It should be so fun. I feel that Darius thinks I’m still a kid and I feel that way too. The only way I will grow up is to experience life on my own, away from the family. Of course I will visit them heaps. I hope everything will work out fine.
MONDAY
4
NOVEMBER
It’s November! I can’t believe how everything is going so fast. But, I bet these two weeks won’t go fast enough for me. Darius has exams this week and next, and I haven’t seen him for a week because of his study. I am really missing him. It would be almost 3 weeks from when I last saw him to when I will see him next. It’s driving me nuts. Also, what else is really driving me nuts is that he doesn’t know whether he will have a job during the Christmas break. I’m really, really praying that his job will still let him work for them. Hopefully, he will find out on Friday. I’m really praying hard for him. I love him so much. I really mean this. Darius is the first guy that I have ever loved. I love my dad and brother, but that’s a different type of love. A family love.
I’ve finally got a new two-piece swimsuit, and it’s really nice. It’s bright light blue with little yellow flowers as the design. Next, I just need a tan and then I will put some colour through my hair. I might be giving a sunbed a go at my gym next week. I’ve never been on one before.
I’ve brought practically all my Christmas presents. I got a lot of them from the Craft Show and the Expo centre on Sunday. I went with Shena. The stalls were brilliant, I could have bought the lot it was that good. There were heaps and heaps of different stalls there, all brilliant, some more so than others.
I went to Guy Fawkes on Saturday with my friends to see the fireworks display. It was alright, nothing great.
Goodnight.
Diary 1992
THURSDAY
2
APRIL
Dear Diary,
What do I want to do with my life? I want and need to become famous. I don’t know exactly why I want this, but I feel I need to be loved and well-known by a lot of people. I feel that it’ll give me my purpose for being alive.
Why am I alive? It’s hard to explain the feeling that you are the only one out there. I can’t explain it. Why was I put here: in this family I love, this country I love, and in this world? What is my importance to be granted life? What am I supposed to do?
I’m impatient in ways. I want to become famous while I’m still young. What will I become famous for? Art? Art is the only thing that I can do outstanding. But I feel that it’s still not good enough. I need to improve. I don’t have that many good pictures. The Indian picture is the only outstanding one I have done.
Why do I want to be famous, why the need? Is it because I am a shy, withdrawn person who wishes to break free and live it up? Is it because I want to be embraced by the world? I wish I could find my career, my meaning in life. It’s hard to explain. I really need that meaning desperately. I felt there was something special waiting out there for me while I was still at school. I see something special for Darius too. Prime Minister of New Zealand.
I need to put my body in the best condition it will ever be in. I feel I will be young forever. I am scared of growing old. There is not enough time to live life to its fullest so I must start soon.
Saturday . . . .Sunday
___________________
Swim. . . . . . . Karate.
Gym . . . . . . . . . .?
Sauna . . . . . . . . . ?
Sunbed . . . . . I need exercise.
I love Darius, but I’m unsure of the future. Will he ever want to get married to me? Ever? He said he doesn’t want to be married – not just to me, but he said if he ever would, it would be me. I’m unsure. I think the reason he asked me the first time when we were younger was that he’d drunk a bit too much wine at the restaurant. Wine can bring out strong emotions, and with Darius it makes him very romantic. He probably got carried away in the moment. I probably did too, even though I didn’t have any of the wine. Instead, I would’ve been caught up with how lovely he was being. Darius is so lovely. Fingers and toes crossed he will change his mind again.
On a different note, I want to travel. To see places, to be welcomed by smiling, happy faces. Faces that are fascinated by me.
I am a big Queen fan. I think Roger Taylor is gorgeous and the group brilliant. Is that why I want to see England, because they are from there?
I can be a very obsessive person sometimes, which drives me nuts.
Why me? There is a reason why and I will find out.
I love you.
But, these things are nothing. They are childish, but heartfelt babblings of a young person.
FRIDAY
30
OCTOBER
(AGED 21)
I’m upset. I’m not working at the newspaper anymore. I haven’t been there since the end of September. I was fired. My boss didn’t think I was good enough. Darius said I should’ve had my boss up for being fired, because it wasn’t my fault I had to order some work from the computer people. Things can’t always be done by hand and, if anything, I think I got the blame for the girl who was with me. I’m stupid; I should’ve stood up for myself. It was a different boss from the one who hired me, and she was always on my back, she even took my office away not long after my other boss left. That was partly my fault due to doing some other drawings during the slow period, but I bucked up and did my work, but I think she thought I was too young. Maybe my attitude sucked, I don’t know, but it sucked the way I was just let go like that without actually doing anything wrong. All I did was ask the computer guys to do a heading, THAT’S ALL, because I was asked by a salesperson. I really did get shafted.
And now I’m working for a crummy $7.50 an hour at a lunch bar for 25 hours a week.
The only thing that’s happened to me that was excellent is that I’m engaged to Darius. The day after my 21st birthday party he proposed to me! He really did and in such a loving way. I won’t tell you how, that is only for me and him to remember, but it was so heartfelt. I said yes straight away!
We’re getting married!
Though, I’m not happy that he wants to stay at his mum’s place in New Plymouth for the whole of the university holidays, which lasts around 3½ months. I don’t want to be without him for that long. It’s really upsetting me. But we are engaged now, so we will find a way around it.
Diary 1993
THURSDAY
28
JANUARY
The trees at Auckland University are beautiful, and so are the gorgeous little sparrows fighting for my bread.
The traffic travelling to and from here is absolutely horrific and is the worst part of the day. The parking is alright, until the students come back, then it will be a bigger problem than the traffic.
The work at the shop isn’t for me. Sometimes it’s alright, then other times it is so boring. I wish that I was drawing instead.
When the students get back, the shop will be chaotic. I don’t mind that part so much. It will be the parking that will be worrying me.
Letters to Darius
(These appear to be practice letters, both dates unknown. The first one was probably written while Darius was staying at his mother’s place during the Christmas break.)
Dear Darius,
How’s eve
rything going? Working at the bookshop is okay. I didn’t get that job that I wanted though. They said that I got close, but they chose someone older. I have sent away for that job at Manukau Tech.
The drama students practice outside the bookshop. They are so strange, and they make a hell of a noise.
My cans picture is going really well, but really slow. I have got some more art ideas, so that’s good. The bookshop has some excellent art books.
The traffic going to and from town is disgusting sometimes. I’m giving Nina a lift in and back now. I park at the student car parks for only a dollar a day, so at least that’s cheap.
On Friday, Mum and I are going to look for my wedding dress pattern.
There is a carnival for some Chinese event going on, and it will be open until 2 am in the morning.
(Letter cuts off.)
________________
(This letter relates to the possibility of Darius getting a job in Wellington, which is about a ten hour drive from Auckland)
To Darius,
I really love you and really want to make things work out. I’ve been having a think about things and believe I was being selfish thinking that you will stay in Auckland with me. I won’t stand in the way of your career and I want to assist it. If you decide to go to Wellington during my course I won’t bother you. We can see each other in our holidays and just bear it out for 2 years, then I will come down to Wellington. That’s if I get into Auckland University. Two years will be a drop in the ocean in our marriage, even though it won’t seem like that at the time.
I’m sorry that sometimes I’m frustrating, because I keep things to myself a lot. I will try and tell you what I think from now on when you ask or when I feel like saying something.
Don't Peek (The Diaries of a Teenage Girl) Page 13
