by David Blixt
BRUTUS
But that way lies destruction, don’t you see? Caesar, the gods have gifted you with a mind that sees the rationality of your argument - you can’t imagine not seeing the reasonable chain that brought you to your opinion, link by link. But someday there will come lesser men, men not so gifted, who will not follow your excellent reasoning. They see only the results. One man, acting outside the law without fear of consequence. One man, ruling a mighty empire. One man, become a god. I will say this for Sulla - he stepped down, relinquished his grip, gave it up voluntarily when his work was done.
CAESAR
That’s the third time you’ve mentioned retirement. Do I detect a hint?
BRUTUS
A plea, rather. Tomorrow, in the Senate, announce you’re stepping down as Dictator. Go to your war, by all means. But as a proconsular general.
CAESAR
(laughing) And be forced to do it all again? Dear dear Brutus, soul of Rome, who knows these men so well, tell me - after I have dipped below the horizon, how long would it be before some enterprising senator offers a bill condemning my actions? Oh, something minor at first, no teeth to it. A vote to recall my exiles. That always sounds good, makes for more votes. Then another bill, invalidating one of my laws, perhaps on religious grounds. Inarguable. Then another, a little more pointed. Suddenly we’re at the races, each senator driving his chariot pell-mell towards condemning me at law. Hearings, investigations, public outcry. All at once I’m in Parthia, fighting a war on two fronts - the foreign foe before me, my countrymen with daggers at my neck. I’ll win the first war only to find myself - again! - with no tool at hand to balance the scales but my army. (beat) Come, Praetor Urbanus. You’ve heard the evidence. Sit in judgement of your Dictator. Is Caesar guilty of any crime, save loving his country?
BRUTUS
The businessmen could not be allowed to profit from their crime, you said. They had to leave the company. Follow your own sentence.
CAESAR
You think I enjoy absolute power?
BRUTUS
If you love your country, step down.
CAESAR
Brutus, be practical. I cannot.
BRUTUS
Cannot is not the same as will not.
CAESAR
My will is not in question.
Enter ANTONY, a drink in his hand. He’s thirty-nine years old, extremely fit - broad-shouldered and well-muscled.
ANTONY
Here you are! Damn, uncle, are you still working? Leave off, enjoy yourself for once. Brutus, you ninny, you were supposed to bring him back, not turn into his clerk.
CAESAR
Antonius, we have different ideas of pleasure, you and I.
ANTONY
Do we? Not as far as women are concerned. It’ll take me another ten years to I rack up as many feminine corpses in my wake. Even at your age, you’re like a siege machine. Bam bam bam! Well, I happen to have a stout battering ram of my own. Ha! (quaffs his cup, then points at the carafe next to BRUTUS) Is that wine?
CAESAR
Help yourself.
ANTONY crosses and pours. He notices the map on the desk.
ANTONY
Oh-ho! I take it all back. Is this the plan for Parthia?
CAESAR
It is.
ANTONY
Ex-cell-ent. Eight legions - you always go in undermanned. But I suppose the local kings will fall over themselves to give you troops. Why let Romans die when there are perfectly good foreigners to take the arrows for them, right?
CAESAR
Just so.
ANTONY
(throwing himself into a chair) Just like old times. (to BRUTUS) Except this time we’re not fighting you and your friends. Not that you did any fighting. Did you even draw your sword? No no, no shame in it. You’re not a killer.
BRUTUS
Whereas you are.
ANTONY
A lady-killer. Are we planning a stop in Alexandria on the way?
CAESAR
It’s as good a port as any. Why?
ANTONY
I hear Aegypt is fabulously wealthy.
CAESAR
I think the queen might object to us looting her country.
ANTONY
Then shut her up with your battering ram. Bam bam bam! (laughs) Seriously, Caesar, why not take what’s yours? You married her. Makes you a kind of king. Caesar Rex. So the treasures of Aegypt belong to you.
CAESAR
Your logic is faulty. I’m married to Calphurnia, not Cleopatra.
ANTONY
I heard you married--
CAESAR
After their custom, not a Roman wedding.
ANTONY
Pity. You could have covered up your sparse top with a decent crown.
CAESAR
(to BRUTUS) How would you like to be going bald when your very name means ‘thick head of hair?’ (to ANTONY) For the record, Antonius, Caesar has no interest in Cleopatra’s crown - or anyone else’s.
ANTONY
Alright, alright! Jupiter. Suppose I should be grateful. If your marriage was legal, Cleopatra’s son would be your heir, not me. Thank the gods Calphurnia’s barren! (drinks) Is the queen still in Rome? I’ve been meaning to meet her, but my wife’s afraid I’ll fall under her spell the way old Caesar Rex has!
CAESAR
‘Old Caesar Rex.’ Antonius, you are seldom as funny as you think you are, and drink only heightens your self-amusement.
ANTONY
‘And drink only heightens your self-amusement.’ Who talks like that, honestly? You’re like someone out of Homer.
CAESAR
Whereas you’ve stumbled out of a Satyr play.
ANTONY
(toasting CAESAR) I take that as a compliment.
CAESAR
I knew you would. (to BRUTUS) The maddening part is that he can be so capable. You’d never know it to look at him, Brutus, but when he sets his mind to it, my nephew can pile Pelion on top of Ossa. Sadly he loves pleasure more than duty.
ANTONY
Don’t lecture me, uncle. I’m not a child anymore.
CAESAR
No. Children can be taught.
There is a heavy silence.
ANTONY
Oh, before I forget. Brutus - Cassius is looking for you. (grins at BRUTUS, then shifts his gaze to CAESAR) You missed a great debate in there.
CAESAR
Oh?
ANTONY
I posed a deep philosophical question. ‘What is the best way to die?’
BRUTUS blanches, stares.
CAESAR
An ill-omened subject. Typical Antonius. And what were the answers?
ANTONY
Cassius said, ‘On the battlefield, sword in hand.’ That fool Lepidus said the best death was sheer old age, surrounded by children. Trebonius’ answer was funny. He said, ‘Free.’
CAESAR
And you, Antonius? What is your ideal death?
ANTONY
In a good fight. By which I mean, for love or money.
CAESAR
And with a mouth full of wine, no doubt.
ANTONY
Absolutely! And my siege machine up some girl’s cunnus. Ha! That’s the way to go! (no one else is laughing, so he pulls a face) So, what’s your answer, uncle?
CAESAR
That some of us don’t have time to play idiot games. There’s a war on the horizon.
ANTONY
You know what you should do, Caesar?
CAESAR
Tell me, Antonius. I am all agog.
ANTONY
Give the Parthian war to me. I’ll go and conquer for you, in your name. You keep hammering your wives, hammering the Senate too. I know you love work - writing laws and such. You’re good at it. And you’ve had so many great wars - leave something for us poor younger men to do!
CAESAR
Is that what I should do?
ANTONY
Absolutely. Don�
��t worry, I’ll stick to your plans. The victory will be in your name. Caesar will still be the hero. I’ll be the drudge, do all the work, while you relax here and have your fill of fun.
CAESAR
A most generous offer, Antonius. Wouldn’t you say, Brutus?
BRUTUS
I say we left out a third kind of Roman earlier. Pragmatist, Dreamer - and Cynic.
CAESAR
(laughing) Just so. Antonius, it is kind of you to offer to spare these old bones the trials of another war. But as I said, you and I have different notions of pleasure. A bottomless flagon of wine and an endless sea of breasts do not appeal to me the way they do to you. So why don’t you stay in Rome, and Caesar will conquer for himself.
ANTONY
If Caesar doesn’t care for breasts, he can have a sea of young boy’s backsides instead. Just like old King Nicomides did for you. That little pansy Octavius can be first--
CAESAR is around the table like lighting, hauling ANTONY out of his seat and gripping his throat in one hand. ANTONY tries to break CAESAR’s grip. To his surprise, he can’t.
BRUTUS
Caesar--
CAESAR continues choking ANTONY. Outside, the
storm rages.
BRUTUS
(frightened by CAESAR, yet trying to be reasonable) Caesar, he’s drunk. (beat) You’re in Lepidus’ house. (bravely) Think of your dignitas.
CAESAR continues a moment more, then releases his hold. ANTONY falls to his knees, gasping.
CAESAR
Get out of my sight. But first thank Brutus for your life, Antony. And be in the Senate tomorrow morning, on time and sober. I have an announcement I want you to hear firsthand.
ANTONY stalks to the door, rubbing his throat.
ANTONY
I’ll be there, Caesar.
With a significant look to BRUTUS, ANTONY exits.
CAESAR
(shaking) No. (sits down) Water, Brutus.
BRUTUS quickly pours CAESAR some water.
BRUTUS
Should I fetch a--
CAESAR
(drinking deeply) No. No no. I’ll be fine. (drinks again) These fits. I never had them before Aegypt. Why is that? And why get them most when Antony is involved?
BRUTUS
What a brute.
CAESAR
Apt. He should carry your name.
BRUTUS
The first Brutus got that title by feigning boorish behavior. Antony’s the real thing. Are you well?
CAESAR
(drinking again, more calmly) My fault. My fault. As I get older, I find my temper lives far closer to the surface. Maybe that’s what brings them on - anger. Nobody can make me angry like Antonius. Imagine that drunken excrement calling me a bumboy. If he were anyone else - family is a wretched nuisance!
BRUTUS
I know.
CAESAR
Thankfully, there is a surprise in store for our friend Antony.
BRUTUS
You’ll announce tomorrow that he’s not going to the war?
CAESAR
More than that. I’ll read my will. No one will have any doubt of my intentions.
BRUTUS
You’re serious? He’s not your heir?
CAESAR
A useful brute he may be, but he’ll never be up to the task. I’ve chosen an heir with more political sense in his little finger than Antony has his his whole body.
BRUTUS
Octavian. It’s your nephew Caius Octavius, isn’t it?
CAESAR
You are the most perspicacious man I know. Between us, yes, I’m adopting young Caius Octavius as my heir.
BRUTUS
And you expect Caesar’s heir to be able to enter the Senate as just another senator.
CAESAR
He’s too young to enter the Senate for at least another ten years. His only possible route is the one I took, an act of bravery on the battlefield. But he’s no more a natural military man than you are. So he’ll have to wait, and by the time he’s old enough, awe of me will have faded.
BRUTUS
Provided you’re not still alive.
CAESAR
Don’t worry. I won’t be.
BRUTUS
(sharply) What do you mean?
CAESAR
Those whom the gods love best are never permitted a full span of years. Besides, I’ve always disliked the idea of dying - I’d much prefer to be killed. Though at times like this, I think it will be my temper that kills me. All I ask is these next five years. Having conquered the West, I’ll take the East, and the whole world will be Roman!
BRUTUS
Five years!
CAESAR
And even then, Brutus, even then there’s so much to do! Laws in desperate need of passing. Reforms and contingencies. Public works - sewers, roads, replacing brick with marble in the temples. A dedicated body of public fire-fighters, working for the state to protect rich and poor alike. Tell me - if I were not Dictator, riding herd over them, would the Senate ever pass such necessary laws?
BRUTUS
It’s possible.
CAESAR
But likely?
BRUTUS
No.
CAESAR
Exactly. The Senate is interested in itself only, and even that interest is short-sighted.
BRUTUS
So you advocate a perpetual dictatorship.
CAESAR
Quite the contrary. My task is to set up laws that are so comprehensive, so utterly fair and detailed, that there will be no need ever again for someone to take the road I’ve been forced to walk. There must be no dictator after me.
BRUTUS
If you do not step down, there will be. I guarantee you. Step down and there’s hope.
CAESAR
No, you are wrong. It must be by my death.
BRUTUS
If you do not give up the power, the Republic will die.
CAESAR
The Republic is an idea, and like all ideas it dies only if not cherished.
BRUTUS
You sound like Cato.
CAESAR
Hmph! I suppose I do. We should have been allies, your uncle and I. But Cato saw compromise as defeat. Even when we agreed on policy, he took the opposite side. If I was for it, it had to be wrong.
BRUTUS
You did sleep with his wife.
CAESAR
(shrugging) He was my political enemy. He’s the one who made it personal.
BRUTUS
Ha! Only Caesar… (going from amused to tentative) Caesar, I - I understand his last earthly act was to write to you.
CAESAR
Alas, no. Cato’s last earthly act was violence upon himself. I was the penultimate issue for him.
BRUTUS
How did he die? My wife won’t tell me.
CAESAR
Like the good lady Portia, my intention has always been to spare you suffering. Suffice to say, he died like he did everything - hard, and chin up.
BRUTUS
Can you at least tell me what he wrote you?
CAESAR
(laughing sourly) Typical Cato. He pointed out that I had no legal right to pardon people, and he refused to be pardoned by someone acting illegally.
BRUTUS
(laughing too) Perfect Cato. He was right, of course.
CAESAR
Brutus, more than any other man--
BRUTUS
I know. It was Cato who forced you to cross the Rubicon. Unwavering, unmoving. My wife is still proud of him.
CAESAR
As a child should be of her father. As I hope my adopted son will be of me one day.
BRUTUS
Caesar - about Octavius. There are rumors--
CAESAR
Yes. Antony mentioned them in his usual, tactful way. Have no fear. The lad and I have had that particular conversation.
BRUTUS
That bad?
CAESAR
Better than I’d hoped. I put it off for months. But before he left for Brundisium I told him to stop his adoring looks at Agrippa. The problem is the boy’s so pretty - save for those ridiculous ears. I don’t think he’s actually attracted to men. But the slur will always be present for him. So I gave him the same advice my mother gave me.
BRUTUS
Your mother discussed it with you?
CAESAR
I had no one else. Like you, I grew up fatherless. Come to think of it, we are both products of our mothers. Yours coddled. Mine did not.
BRUTUS
Coddled. Not a word I would have used.
CAESAR
I suppose not. Servilia is unique. I think she’s always waited for you to stand up to her. She used to tell me--
BRUTUS
What advice did your mother give you?
CAESAR
Ah, yes. After the rumor about Nicomides started spreading, mother said if my affairs were secret, everyone would assume I was sleeping with men. So my affairs had to be public. Not unmarried girls, just the wives of prominent men. (chuckling) It became a habit.
BRUTUS
I know.
CAESAR looks at BRUTUS sharply, then tries to defuse the moment by laughing.
CAESAR
How open I am tonight! Truly a evening of candid conversing.
BRUTUS
You’re a piece of work.
CAESAR
How so?
BRUTUS
Even your adultery is based on rational arguments. Your passion is thought-out, like a battle plan.
CAESAR
Women and war - two sides of the same coin.
BRUTUS
(brutally) Did you cuckold Lepidus as well?
CAESAR
What?
BRUTUS
I met our host’s daughter at the door and almost dropped dead of shock.
CAESAR
(wistfully) Yes… I often come here just to drink in the sight of her. Aemelia is a gift from the gods. For I swear, as more years go by, I have trouble recalling my daughter’s face.
BRUTUS
How is that possible? There was more promise in Julia’s smile than in all the sunrises in the world.
CAESAR
I miss her too.
BRUTUS
So, is Aemelia your--?
CAESAR
I only cuckold my enemies. No, Lepidus has a share of Julian blood, and Julian girls are always fair.
BRUTUS
I know. Look at my sister.
CAESAR
(surprised) Ah. Do you wish to have that conversation? Truly? Some things are best left unsaid.
BRUTUS
I don’t know. Yes. When will I have the chance again?
CAESAR
