by Ali Parker
I drank the bottle of beer, wishing I would have had the forethought to bring a few. I headed back to the house, automatically checking my phone. There was a new missed call from Leila. I scoffed, shaking my head. Her apology was a little too late. I wasn’t interested in hearing it. Maybe after I had some time to think things over, I would talk to her.
I didn’t necessarily blame her, and I wasn’t even all that angry with her, but I wasn’t ready to talk to her. I didn’t want to say something I would regret. I might not want to see her anymore, but I didn’t want her to be hurt either. I was hurt enough for both of us.
Chapter 61
Leila
I sat at the table, sipping my coffee and staring out the window. My eyes burned from lack of sleep. I could hardly think straight. The cup in my hand was my third. I was going to need a dozen more to concentrate.
“All right,” Kami said sliding into the seat. “Sorry about that. That was a crazy rush.”
“It’s fine,” I said, not pulling my eyes from the window. I was spacing out, staring at nothing and seeing nothing but my own thoughts.
“What’s going on? You look horrible.”
I sighed and pulled my eyes away from the window to look at her. “I feel horrible.”
“Did you and Hot Stuff break up again?”
I groaned. “I don’t know. I think so.”
She looked confused. “How do you not know?”
“Remember when I told you about the thing in the library?” I asked.
She grinned, nodding her head. “How could I forget? I’m pretty sure that’s the wildest thing you’ve ever done.”
“The dean has it on video.”
Her mouth fell open. She slapped her hand over it, her eyes laughing. “Oh my god!”
“It isn’t funny,” I complained.
She shrugged. “It kind of is.”
“No, it isn’t. It’s humiliating and it is going to cost me my job and possibly my license.”
She waved a hand. “Relax. It can’t be that bad.”
I nodded. “It can be. He had a pretty clear shot of Christopher, but apparently only my ass is clear, and he can’t identify me—yet.”
She covered her mouth again, doing her best not to openly laugh at me. “That means you’re safe.”
“Not necessarily. He asked me who Christopher was. I didn’t tell him who he was. He was asking other professors if they knew him. It’s only a matter of time before the dean finds out. Actually, I think he did find out because Christopher isn’t answering my calls or texts.”
She wrinkled her nose. “I think I’m missing something. Why is he not answering your calls?”
“I’m assuming because he is mad at me. I made the first move. The dean was going to expel him.”
“That’s crazy! It was sex!”
I scowled. “Shh, you don’t have to announce it to the world.”
“It really isn’t a big deal,” she insisted. “People have sex all the time and the fun ones do it in places other than their beds. It’s fun.”
“I’m sure it’s fun, but my situation is less fun because I’m going to lose my job. I don’t know if it is or isn’t a hard and fast rule of the university, but it is one of the dean’s rules and he’s in charge.”
“You think Christopher got expelled and now he’s mad at you?” she asked.
I nodded. “Yes. That’s exactly what I think. And if Christopher is expelled, I have to wonder if the dean somehow managed to get my name out of him.”
“You think he would give you up?”
“I don’t know,” I groaned. “I don’t know if he would be mad. Part of me wonders if the dean already knew it was me and was just testing me. He could have been giving me a chance to confess and I blew it. Maybe he would have taken mercy on me if I would have just told him it was me.”
“Have you gotten a call from the dean?”
“No.”
“Are you going to work?”
“I’m kind of scared to go in,” I confessed.
“What’s the worst that can happen? You go in and you get fired.”
“Kami, this is serious!”
She held up her hands. “All right, all right. I’m sorry. I just think you might be jumping the gun. He might not even know.”
“I know he had to have talked with Christopher. There is no way his name didn’t get revealed. He always calls me at night. He always returns my texts. I know something is wrong. He’s upset with me. The only reason he would be upset with me is if he got in trouble.”
“You need to talk to him,” she said, stating the obvious.
“But he won’t talk to me,” I whined.
Kami had an empathetic look on her face. I hated being pitied. It irritated me to no end. People had pitied me all my life. “Okay, let’s run through some scenarios.”
It was her way. It was how she always talked me off the edge of whatever crisis I was going through. She truly could have had a career as a therapist. Christopher thought I gave good advice—he would be in awe of the advice Kami doled out.
“Okay, scenario one, the dean knows it’s Christopher and he’s expelled and mad at me for it,” I said.
“Didn’t we just go through that one?” she said with exasperation. “He has no reason to be mad at you. You didn’t force him to bang you in the library. That one is easy—you talk to him and work things out. You said he was wealthy, he doesn’t need another degree. It’s a vanity degree.”
I wasn’t sure I completely agreed with that, but I would accept it. “Okay. Scenario two, which could very well be a part of the first scenario. The dean knows I’m the other person in the video.”
She grimaced. “You fight to keep your job. You tell him it was a one-time thing and you’ll never do it again. The worst-case scenario is he fires you.”
I shook my head. “That isn’t the worst case. He could blackball me. He could put out some memo to all the other colleges and universities in Texas outlining my dastardly deeds.”
She held up a finger. “First of all, that’s illegal. Second of all, Texas isn’t the only place in the US that has colleges.”
“I can’t move! What about Christopher?”
“What about him?”
“If I move, I won’t see him again.”
She gave me that same look of sympathy. “Sweetie, we still have to consider the idea he won’t see you again because of the whole situation.”
I sighed. She was right. “So, I lose my job and have to move away and hope to find another job. That’s a really shitty outcome.”
She held up three fingers. “Scenario three; you go to work, the dean doesn’t know shit, and you go on with your life.”
“And what about Christopher? I think in every one of those scenarios he’s expelled.”
“You could be his private tutor,” she grinned. “Wear a sexy little outfit, rap his knuckles with your ruler.”
I rolled my eyes. “You’re deranged.”
“If he cares about you, he’ll respect your need to keep your involvement a secret. If your identity has been revealed and you are fired, then he will understand if you have to move to find a new job. If he cares, he will offer to support you in whatever you do.”
I wanted to buy into that line of reasoning, but that was the best-case option. “And if he doesn’t?” I whispered.
She looked at me, the sympathy I saw making me ill. “Then it wasn’t meant to be.”
I physically recoiled from the words. “I don’t want it to be that way.”
“I understand, but sometimes we don’t get those choices. Sometimes, the choice is taken away from us.”
“Can this really all be over because of sex in the library?” I whispered.
She shrugged. “I think it is a possibility.”
“That isn’t fair,” I complained. “Why can’t I have one person in my life that doesn’t leave me?”
I didn’t want a pity party, but dammit, life couldn’t be that cruel. Th
e thought of Christopher dumping me again stirred up old insecurities and made me feel unworthy. All the things I had worked to overcome were rearing their ugly heads. I wasn’t pretty enough. My body wasn’t attractive. I wasn’t good enough.
I could feel myself spiraling, on my way down to a place I hadn’t been in a long time. I didn’t want to go back there. I didn’t want to be sad and miserable.
Kami’s hand touched mine, a soft smile on her face. “I haven’t left you. I won’t leave you. You are stuck with me until the end of our days.”
I wanted to smile. I couldn’t. My heart was breaking. “No, you haven’t. Thank you. Thank you for sticking by me through all the crazy stuff. You really are my longest relationship—ever.”
“I’m here for you. I will always be here for you. I’m asking you not to freak out about the Christopher thing—not yet. Let him explain. Go to his house if you have to.”
“Isn’t that being pushy?”
“No. You care about him and you want to know what is going on. It’s you putting in the effort. If he refuses to talk to you, he isn’t worth it. Sometimes, things happen for a reason. Don’t try too hard. You try just enough and if he can’t see what he’s letting go, it’s his loss.”
I nodded. “Okay. I’ll wait until the end of the day. If I don’t hear from him, then I will go to him and make him tell me to my face that it’s over.”
“Good girl. Now, get your ass to school. You still have a job until you don’t.”
“That’s promising.”
“I have faith this will all work out,” she insisted. “You have to put good vibes out there and let the good stuff find you.”
“The good stuff needs GPS,” I mumbled. “It keeps passing by me.”
She giggled. “You’ll be okay. I’ll make sure of it.”
I left the coffee shop. I hoped she was right. The feeling of dread wouldn’t go away. I drove to school, parked my car in my usual spot, and looked around. I was waiting to be jumped by security and escorted off school grounds. I was a fornicator. In the dean’s eyes, I was the worst kind of horrible.
When I wasn’t immediately jumped, I slowly walked towards my office. No one even looked my way. It was all very normal, which was not at all what I was expecting. I wasn’t sure what I was expecting. I knew it wasn’t over. There was still a chance I could get to my office and the locks would be changed. My pink slip could be taped to the door for all to see.
One of the other professors smiled as he passed me. “Good morning,” he called out.
“Good morning,” I mumbled, wondering if it was really a good morning.
I stood in front of my locked office door. There wasn’t a note taped to it demanding I vacate the premises and nothing indicating I needed to speak with the dean. I slid my key in the lock, holding my breath and turning it. My key still worked.
I walked into my office, turned on the light, and quickly shut the door behind me. Was I really going to get away with my involvement in the sexcapade? It seemed unreal. I moved to my desk and sat down, looking around my small office to make sure everything was how I had left it.
Everything was normal. How could it be? I looked at the picture on the wall, staring at the many faces, but my eyes were really focused on just one face. It was the only picture of Christopher I had. I realized there was a good chance that tiny image of his face might be the only way I would ever see him again.
I could hear voices in the hall, people carrying on with their lives like nothing had changed. I sat alone in my office feeling like my world had been turned upside down. It had changed and there was nothing I could do about it. I was back to being lonely Leila, a term I was sick of carrying around.
I couldn’t sulk forever. I had made my job the most important thing in my life and I had better enjoy and appreciate it for as long as I had it. Lord knew when the rug would be pulled out from under me.
Chapter 62
Christopher
I felt like a bum, but I didn’t suppose it really mattered. I had no reason to jump out of bed. I had nowhere to go and no one to see. Lying in bed under the warmth and comfort of my blankets was about all I had the energy for.
I knew I was being weak. I was caving in. I was letting the world win. I had been fighting for so long, and I was tired. I was tired of having everything only to have it cruelly yanked away. I didn’t have the energy to get out of bed and face the world. I just couldn’t do it.
I would do it tomorrow. There was no reason I had to get out of bed. No reason at all, which was probably what bothered me the most. Olin was old enough to get himself to school. No one needed me. I could lay in bed for a week and the world would keep marching on without even a hiccup.
Maybe that was my problem. I was so used to being significant. My business depended on me showing up for work and kicking ass. My wife had depended on me to support our family. I had a nice little place carved out in the world and I felt like an important part of life.
I didn’t much feel like that. Leila hadn’t cared enough about me to even give me the courtesy of warning me she was going to betray me. It was a betrayal. I had wrestled with the feeling and what it was all night and ultimately, it was her betraying me to save herself. That hurt. It hurt that she didn’t consider what her decision would do to me. She hadn’t talked it over with me. I would have gladly taken the fall if she would have at least talked with me.
“Dad, what are you doing?” Olin said as he walked into my room.
“I’m lying in bed,” I answered.
He stared at me as if he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. “Why?”
“Because I want to.”
He was glued to his spot on the floor. “What’s wrong with you? Are you sick?”
“I’m fine.”
“You’re in bed and it’s after seven. That isn’t normal. What’s wrong?”
I couldn’t worry him. He didn’t deserve to feel my stress. “I just have some stuff going on and I don’t feel like getting out of bed.”
“Don’t you have class?”
I shook my head. “Not today.”
He looked skeptical. “Do you have a fever? Should I get you some ginger ale?”
I smiled, appreciating his kindness. “I’m okay. I have a problem and I have to make a big decision today.”
“What kind of a decision?” he asked, obviously intrigued by the idea.
I blew out a breath, running my hand over my scruffy jaw. “A decision that requires me to pick a side. I can save my own ass and carry on with things or I can take the fall and allow someone else to carry on with no fear of getting in trouble.”
“You’re in trouble?” he asked with surprise.
“Not really. It’s more of a moral dilemma. I’ve done nothing wrong or illegal.”
“If you take the fall, what happens?”
I shrugged. “I’ll be home a lot more often.”
“And if you sell out the other person?” he questioned.
“Then my life goes back to normal, minus a friend.”
He looked thoughtful. “What if the other person has the same choice to make?”
I grimaced. “I’m afraid that’s part of the problem. I think that person has chosen to throw me under the bus to save their own ass.”
“You think or you know?”
“I only suspect,” I confirmed. “I don’t know for sure. I guess I’m a bit of a coward. I’m afraid to know.”
He slowly nodded. “If I were you, I’d talk to your accomplice. You two need to get your stories straight. Ask the person if they gave you up. If they haven’t, I bet the two of you can come up with a way to get yourselves out of trouble with both of you getting off scot-free.”
I laughed. The kid sounded a little too experienced with the situation. His advice was sound. “Thank you. I think you’re right. Hiding in bed isn’t going to get this situation solved. I need to face my problems head-on.”
He grinned. “Exactly. Isn’t that what you always tel
l me?”
“It is. I guess you have been listening to me.”
He smirked. “Don’t get too excited.”
“Thanks for the advice. It really is helpful. I was prepared to sulk in bed all day long.”
“That never solves any problems,” he muttered. “Trust me, I’ve tried it.”
I nodded. “I think we both have,” I said in a solemn tone. After Carlie had died, we had both taken to our rooms and built little cocoons for ourselves. We’d both been in such pain neither of us could offer any real comfort to the other. I had been the first to pull myself from the darkness, knowing I had to be the strong one for him. It had been the hardest thing I had ever done.
“I’ve got to get going. Get up. Get some coffee and do whatever you have to do. I don’t want to get home and find out you’ve been lying in bed all day.”
“Yes, sir,” I teased. “Thanks, kid. I appreciate the pep talk. I needed it.”
“Sure,” he replied. “See ya later.”
He walked out of my room, leaving me alone with my thoughts once again. I knew he was right. I needed to quit being a chickenshit and confront Leila. I wasn’t sure what I would do if and when she told me she had given my name up in order to save herself. I would cross that bridge when it came to it.
I threw the blankets off and got out of bed. The first thing I needed was coffee. I walked downstairs in my underwear, knowing I was alone in the house, and made the first of what I expected to be many cups. I carried the steaming cup of coffee back upstairs and jumped in the shower.
By the time I got out, I was feeling marginally better. I downed the coffee, dressed, and headed back down for another cup. I mulled over what I would say to her. Did I just come right out and ask her, or did I wait for her to tell me what she had done?
The situation sucked. I hated that after all we had gone through to get to a place where we were both comfortable with the relationship, it was pulled away. Easy come, easy go, I supposed. Although, none of it was very easy.
