I was watching things happen like an observer instead of a participant. It shouldn't feel this way. I didn't ever feel apart from myself when I was with Laura.
"So, why me?" I asked.
Lissa coughed, and tried to swallow the coffee she had just sipped.
"Oh wow, that was… interesting question and my answer is why not you?" She reached out and put her hand on top of one of mine. "You're smart, sweet, and very sexy. I've been on several dates but I haven't found anyone like you. It's not possible really."
I nodded and considered what she said. It sounded too good to be true. It was sweet and flattering but I couldn't imagine Lissa having problems finding someone she liked.
"This is my first real date so I'm not sure what the protocol is and it made me nervous all day," I revealed.
"Really? I can't believe that. How can this be your first date?" Lissa asked.
"I haven't found anyone that wanted to go on a date with me that I liked back," I said.
"Not even your roommate?" Lissa asked.
"Laura?" I scoffed. "I don't think she's into me like that."
I saw Lissa take that in and nibble on her lip.
"She's definitely into you. It's obvious. But are you into her?" She asked.
My eyes got wide and I looked down at the table. My hands trembled a little and I knew she felt it.
"That's a yes," she said.
I looked up to meet her eyes. She was giving me the saddest smile, the light of happiness not reaching her eyes.
"It's okay. Really, I get it. But I'm not giving up. We are going to have an awesome date and then you can text me if you want. Who knows what could happen, right?"
I let out a nervous laugh and sighed with relief.
"Yeah, that sounds good to me," I said.
Damn, Lissa really was great and yet all I saw was Laura and all I felt was a pining for what I couldn't have.
The rest of the date was fun and sweet. We talked about soccer, books, and tons of random things.
She held my hand all the way back and it was better now that I was relaxed. The spark still wasn't there but the feel of her skin on mine was pleasant.
One thing I really appreciated was how funny she was. I hadn't laughed so hard in a while. It was nice to just enjoy myself.
The car ride back passed much more quickly than the ride to the coffee shop. I didn't want it to end but the Uber stopped in front of the school and we got out.
We walked close to each other, holding hands and soaking up the night.
"You were so cute and nervous when I picked you up," Lissa said.
"Weren't you nervous on your first date?" I asked.
"I'm nervous before every date but I'm just good at hiding it," Lissa replied.
"You were nervous tonight?" I asked.
"Oh yeah! So nervous. I changed clothes five times and drove Ronnie crazy. She was going to kick me out but she felt sorry for me," Lissa said.
"No way. She wouldn't have but was it more nervous than you have been before?" I asked, bumping her shoulder with mine as we walked.
"Yes, because I really like you. There was more at stake this time. You're intimidatingly wonderful," Lissa gushed.
I blushed, feeling the warmth travel up my body and color my cheeks.
"Now, you're being silly," I admonished.
"I'm serious!" She insisted.
We were at the back door now so Lissa stopped us and stood in front of me, holding both my hands in hers.
"You're beautiful," she said.
"Thanks," I looked down. "So are you."
She let go of one of my hands and used two fingers to lift my chin.
"Call me or text me okay and please consider coming to visit. I'll give you the full tour and everything."
"I will," I said.
She leaned in and kissed me softly. Her lips were sweet and soft. She tasted good and I opened my mouth when she deepened the kiss.
It was nice, a sweet end to the night but that was all. No, hitch in my breath, no cracking nerves, and no elevation to another world. I knew why.
It wasn't Laura.
She leaned back and slowly opened her eyes, smiling at me.
"Mmm, goodnight, Charli," Lissa said.
She let go of my hands and walked away, looking back a few times to wave at me before she disappeared into the night.
I had to think hard about my next move. She didn't deserve to be led on but what if I just needed time to like her the way I liked Laura.
I sighed and turned back to the building, opening the back door, going back to my room.
Chapter 22
It’d been storming on and off all day and I knew Charli would be back soon.
I snuck out during the break in the rain, wrapping myself up in a faded hoodie I hardly ever wore anymore. A leftover remnant of the old me that still smelled like cigarettes and having to exist at Green Valley. There was another concert coming up and I wanted to go but I couldn’t ask Vic. Music and books were my only escape.
I pocketed my smokes and slipped out the back way. Serena wasn’t really strict any more. She had her habits and one of them was binging Netflix shows on the weekend nights when she was supposed to be taking names.
The girls were so loud in their rooms and outside and in the hall. How could Serena even keep count of so many people at once without being a psycho? There really was no way.
It took me a long time to understand that though. In a lot of ways the teachers at Green Valley were more on it than Serena. I’d come to be more apathetic about her.
The grass was wet and it left visible spots of dirt and water all over my white shoes. I hated that crap.
The spark and flare of my lighter in the dark probably couldn’t be seen by anyone since I always made sure to sneak off to the one dirt pocket that couldn’t be more than five feet by five feet at the back of our elective studies building. Off to the side and surrounded by full bushes. You literally had to come into this area to see anything that could be going on. And I never saw cameras here so for other surveillance I couldn’t know. All I did know was that the teachers never came out and reprimanded me. I left several butts here and after I’d come here a few times I noticed other butts too.
Smoking was a small relief but it was stupid and I hated that I still did it some times.
Charli had texted and said she’d be back soon. I didn’t want to leave the room with her back. She’d think it was about her when it wasn’t. Like I secretly wanted to get away from her or something, which I wouldn’t. I always had to be careful about stuff like that. She was such a sweet person. Made me feel bad to even breathe wrong, ‘cause she deserved much better.
A strand of rumbling thunder made me look up into the heavens, all the grey and white mixing together and moving into shapes and puffs. The noise stretched and boomed, heralding a warning. It would probably pour again any second now. The weather had been so unpredictable lately, warnings short and loud, the wrath of the gods nothing to be toyed with.
I tapped my cigarette out with my shoe in the wet soil. It was fertile here with thick granules of sand. The whole campus was like this, fertile as all hell, a true sign of money spent on landscaping. A true sign of great wealth.
I hugged my stomach and walked out from behind the building. Weekends were pretty necessary but I had literally nothing to do now that I was no longer friends with Vic.
Logan kept trying to hit me up and get me out. I talked to him on the phone for a little while but all that did was remind me how I keep having sex with a person I don’t want to have sex with. I mean, he’s great, I just know I don’t love him. It’s almost like I’m using him and that’s bullshit. I hate that I'm like this.
It’s also hard to be frank with him about it without feeling like a complete asshole. He’s obviously really into me. Who knows though, for him it might be the same way, it might just be a sex thing.
Either way, I need to stop having sex with him. It isn’t necessary or sm
art. I can't see him in person without it going that way. Without our hands straying or our bodies touching.
Sometimes my skin crawls and I want, more than anything, to be outside my own head. That’s why I do it, I think. That and to tell Vic she isn't the only person on this earth I can show affection for.
That kiss of ours had been lingering in my mind now for several days. It hurt me to think about it. I couldn't show Vic anymore that I would go to the edge of the earth for her. I had to be done.
"Now you're being silly."
It was Charli's voice. I'd come upon her and Lissa as I turned the corner to get to the back door
Fuck, I thought.
The sight of Charli in that dress with her hair down and her face made up. I didn't want to think it but she was sexy.
Like, how?!
I apparently traded one toxic crush for another.
I stepped back behind the corner and waited just beside the door where they both were.
They were flirting now. Charli seemed interested.
My stomach ached like I'd gone and given it poison.
Lissa was this older put together person, probably the person Charli herself wished she could be.
That thought alone upset me. There was silence. Too much silence.
I peeked around the corner and saw. Lissa had Charli's face in her hands and she was kissing her.
I watched. Stuck.
A rush of a memory came back to me. This dream I'd had of Charli kissing me.
So much for ignoring my dumb sex drive. As Lissa kissed her, Charli whimper just enough. I felt it inside me, her touch, her lips, her hot breath. Ever since that flash of lust at the party with Logan I'd been thinking about her.
Aw fuck, I muttered, annoyed.
Charli's eyes when Lissa leaned back. They were glossy and giving all hints of her desire to be touched.
I swallowed hard and turned back to hide again with my back to the brick.
They exchanged words and I wanted to drop them into mud but the words defied me and hung around.
Plans for a future date. Plans to text.
So every time Charli checked her phone now I'd just be wondering: are you talking to her?
I could already see her staring down at her phone and smiling. How that would drive me nuts. How it would hurt me somehow.
The door to the hall closed with a thud.
I came out and watched Lissa walk out to the parking lot.
"What the hell is wrong with me," I muttered. "One girl and then another." Maybe I'm gay. Maybe it's as simple as that.
I opened the door to the hall and walked inside it. Down the way, I could see the opening to Serena's room. As if knowing I'd fucked up she came out and immediately locked eyes with me.
"I hope you're not thinking of sneaking out."
"I'm not," I said.
"Good. It's going to rain. And you've already been sick this year. Did you eat?"
"No," I said, wondering when she'd get bored and want to go.
"They ask me about you a lot. And I tell them you're doing just fine."
I made a face and didn't know what to say.
"Have a good night Laura."
"Yeah, um. You too," I said, after she'd already turned and gone. Turns out, she probably just needed to use the restroom. She turned the other way and walked towards the bathroom doors before disappearing inside.
My mind was so slow these days and I always felt caught like a rat.
I found the door to my room and just touching my fingers to the metal knob made my stomach churn and my chest get all heated with butterfly flurries.
Charli had probably been sad. When she got in, I wasn't there.
She was so cute in my dress. When she turned and saw me I could tell she hadn't been expecting me home.
I smiled despite my mood.
"Hey," I said, trying not to look and stare. The more I looked, the more I realized I was really into her and really lit up by something as simple as her mere presence in my space.
"Hey," she said.
She walked to her closet and turned away from me.
"Can you unzip this?" She asked and pulled her hair aside.
"Of course," I said. Having her close again was everything. The way I felt standing near her was intense.
The nape of her neck called out to me as I leaned in. I could already smell her shampoo, the familiar sweetness of her, like some addicting nectar I could never o.d. on.
I reached my hand to her zipper and tried not to breathe too loud. I'd noticed myself doing it before with her, just accidentally getting so comfortable that anyone could see.
I rubbed her back with my freehand and pulled the zipper down on her dress.
"There you go," I said, moving away to be on my own. I walked to the window and stared out at the sky. It was dark and the rain was about to fall.
I wasn't going to tell Charli I saw what she did. That girl from the beach was pretty perfect. I didn't really want to know how much my new friend liked kissing her.
If she dressed up at all it meant it was a big deal, something she was excited about, unlike me. Charli left me alone on a Saturday when we could've gone out together and done something. All it did was remind me of our beach night and how it ended with Charli flirting with someone else. I had to try and mentally distance myself.
I'd done what I always do, grown too attached to the first person who showed me so much as a smile. Charli was my: Vic 2.0.
I will say, I preferred Charli's brand of flirtation and care a lot more than Vic's. She was nowhere near as complicated and she could never be mean which made me like her more.
"Thanks," she said.
I heard the dress fall to the floor, then, the noise of clothes being taken off of hangers.
After a few minutes she walked over and stopped close to me.
"Thanks for letting me borrow this. I can have it cleaned for you," she said. She was wearing a t-shirt and short shorts.
"No. That's okay," I said.
"Okay, do you want me to leave it here?" She asked, pointing to my bed.
"Here," I laughed, a little relieved. I motioned for her to hand me the dress. It was no big deal.
She came close enough to give me the dress but pulled me into a hug instead.
"I missed you," she whispered.
Affection filled me up and I smiled as I softened and held her. "Aw," I said, a little uncomfortable. Mainly, I didn't actually want her to have had a bad time. "You're sweet," I said, touching her hair. "And you smell crazy good." The sight of her naked thighs from before was still burned into my mind.
"I put on extra perfume. I'm not sweet. I'm a jerk," she said, letting me go.
She laughed and stood beside me to look out the window.
"I couldn't help wishing I was here when we were out."
"Oh Charli," I sighed.
It'd be crazy of her to want to be here. I was just pouting around all day. Nothing to miss.
"I missed you too," I confessed. "I knew I would before you left." I moved her hair just to play with it. My lips rest on her cool skin and I wondered why she would say these things.
I held her elbow in my hand and felt her body pressed to mine.
"What did you do while I was gone?" She asked.
"Not much," I said honestly. I leaned my head back to try and see her. "You okay?"
I didn't like thinking something bad might have happened to her. What if that girl made her uncomfortable?
"Yeah, I'm okay. Just trying to figure stuff out."
"She didn't hurt you or anything, right?"
"Oh no! She was perfect. I was the problem," she said.
She let me go and went to sit on the edge of my bed.
I dropped the dress down onto the night stand and walked over to her, worried. "What do you mean," I wondered, petting her head.
"She was sweet and very romantic but I just felt like there should be more or that I should feel more," she explained.
&nb
sp; "Oh," I said, a little sad for her. I knew that feeling. "Don't feel bad for that," I tried to comfort her. "Maybe you need to know each other more."
"Maybe or she's just not the right person," she said.
Her eyes found mine and she searched me.
I breathed in deep and fell into her a little, smiling. "You're stressing me out," I laughed, while making her hold up my body.
"Sorry, I'll try to be less stressy and more chill," she smiled.
"You're acting like you need to get married right now," I teased.
"That's not it," she sighed.
"Oh yeah? What is it then?" I wondered.
The feeling of loneliness when you can't find that person is hard.
"I was thinking abou-" She leaned into me and hid her face. "It's nothing," she said.
I used my hands to feel her neck with my hands. It'd been haunting me somehow, begging me for touch. I let my fingers rub her muscles as I breathed her in deep. "I can't believe you ditched me today," I muttered teasingly.
"I didn't want to and the whole time I wished I was with you instead," she replied.
"Charli," I laughed awkwardly. "You ignored me all night and all morning."
If she'd rather be with me she had a real shit way of showing it. But I wasn't mad. It was just conflicting.
Her touch was comforting. I rest my lips on her forehead and breathed her in, the sweet addicting smell I'd become obsessed with.
"Only because I'm trying not to be too clingy," she said.
"I honestly don't understand you," I groaned. "And also. I'm starving," I realized. Serena's little talk in the hall reminded me. "I better grab something before the hall closes. Should I get you something?"
"I can go with you," she said.
"You want?" I asked.
"Where you go, I go," she said.
"Now that you're back," I reminded.
I stepped back from her and tugged on her hand to get her to stand.
“I should probably put on different shorts but I really don’t care at this point. Shoes are a must though,” she said.
She released my hand to go to her side of the room and put on a pair of canvas slip on shoes and then waited by the door for me.
"What happened out there," I finally caved and asked. She was acting like the date went terribly but I'd seen how cute she was when Lissa kissed her. "Was it really that terrible being cuddled," I joked.
Love Like Crazy Page 23
