I could see the guy with my Chinese food coming in from outside. I got up from my chair and walked over to the desk where a woman always sat at a help desk.
“Three entrees?”
“Uh, yeah, thanks,” I said, showing him my phone. I never had cash so I always had to tip in the app.
“Smells good,” the woman at the desk smiled.
“Uh, yeah. It does,” I smiled back. It was time to check on Charli anyway. I walked back to the room with my fear and sadness and anger all still biting at me like petulant mosquitos forever swarming and thirsty. How much of us was about her? Did I just go from one bad relationship to another? I hoped not. Little things like this really did remind me of Vic.
When Charli and I are happy we’re so fucking happy. But then we have days like this that are explosive like bombs. The damage scatters everywhere and there’s always something we miss in the clean-up. Like, the discussion where I say I’m really not impressed. We might have it but she doesn’t hear me. May as well be wearing headphones, nodding along.
I unlocked our door and noticed the room empty.
“Weird…” I muttered.
Then I saw my phone on her bed.
I put the food down and sat with myself.
No message. No note. Not even a text message on my phone.
She was probably mad at me.
I bit my nail and tried not to get worried.
There wasn’t much I could do. I reached for a cigarette and lit in. She wouldn’t let me smoke one before so I’d take my time now and really appreciate it. If she hated it she never said so, but the way she opened the window before made me think she hated me.
Weepy, I knew I was being extra emotional right now. I made a mental note to make some extra friends. If I did attend Hanover next year I was going to do that baking snack stand thing.
I sent Charli a text and unpacked our food. It was better to think she was out for a walk or maybe doing what I did. We could be similar sometimes. Maybe she was getting Chinese food.
I turned some music on and laid back on her bed, using some chopsticks to eat some low mein right out of the box.
It was lonely and I had to think about how my summer might be a lot of this, me alone in some room with no one. Charli could find another girl so fast it was actually sickening. I tried not to think about it but I couldn’t stop.
When I heard a thump against the door and Charli mumbling, I put my food down and got up. It wasn’t like her to mumble or even be lost.
I got to the door when she pushed hard through it and landed against me.
I looked down and saw beer bottles in her hands. “What the…”
My eyes found her face and there was blood. The sight made my heart sink but it also made me mad because I knew. I knew what it meant.
"Sorry," she said.
She limped into the room and sat down in the chair at her desk.
“Yeah,” I sighed, annoyed. I’d been worried about her but I shouldn’t have been. I shut the door behind her and locked it. Plucking a bottle of beer off of the ground, I opened it and took a drink. “I hurried back but you were gone.”
"Sorry," she apologized again.
There was dry blood from a cut on her cheek and she was covered in debris, grass and dirt. "It's not what you think. I promise."
Really?
What it looked like to me was that she went and found herself a fight. What the hell was wrong with me? How did I always find this one type of person to like?
I walked to my desk and pulled out some face wipes. “I don’t care,” I lied. I walked over to her and took a wipe out to check on the blood and see if she’d been cut.
"I just wanted to talk to her and she answered her phone. I went out to the road and we just sat in the car and talked. Then she totally jumped me, which I didn't see coming. But yeah, that's where the beer came from.”
I stared at her skin. The cuts weren’t too bad, thankfully. It annoyed me that she was so pretty. Fighting only gave her more of a glow. And her lips and cheeks looked so much better when she smiled like this, all stressed out but happy. “You should eat,” I said, pulling a carton close to her on the desk. Whatever reaction she was hoping for, I couldn’t find it.
"Are you mad?" She asked.
“Mad? No,” I said, bothered. “You went looking for trouble and you found it. Good for you.” I picked a different food carton up and opened it, using my chopsticks to poke and grab a piece of chicken.
"Most of this is because I stepped in a hole on the way back and twisted my ankle.”
I sat down on my bed and ate.
"She tried to give me an excuse to fight her but we didn't. I couldn't. She's just… sad," Charli said.
“Me too,” I said, feeling it. I didn’t want to think about Vic.
I already knew Vic was sad. Vic had been sad about me even before I left. I already knew.
"Part of that is my fault. I'm so scared of losing you I went nuts," Charli admitted.
I didn’t know what she wanted me to say. It hurt me that I’d been worried and she’d been doing something dangerous and stupid.
I put the food down on her desk and picked my beer back up. Talking wasn’t working for me. Why try?
I walked back to my bed and laid down.
"What are you thinking?" She asked.
“Too much,” I said. There wasn't an easy way to explain it and she wasn't respecting me or listening to me anyway.
"What can I do?" She asked.
I laughed at that, stressed. My beer was gone. I got up and got another. “Eat your food and stop moving around,” I said.
She took a bite from the food container and chewed, staying quiet and watching me.
“Don't look at me like that,” I warned softly.
"Like what?" She asked.
“I dunno. Like you’re some innocent puppy,” I warned. I drank some of the new beer and immediately felt a little better. The rush of alcohol made it all a bit less daunting.
She’d chased after my ex to have a talk with her? And drink beer?
“You’re not innocent,” I said, wanting her to know it. Things like this didn’t just happen. “I asked you not to go after her.”
"I'm fully aware that it was a fucked up move. That's why I'm apologizing," she said, sinking into the chair. She'd only taken the one bite of food.
I reached for the remote to the tv and turned it on. Whatever this was, it didn’t make sense to me and I honestly didn’t have to participate. This Charli and my Charli were two different people and she kept becoming this other person I didn’t know.
She got up and walked towards the corner and picked something up. She let out a little groan when she got up and went to the door.
She’d obviously gotten hurt but Charli kept on doing crazy things like this, trying to fight terrible people for reasons unknown.
I drank my beer and watched her as she left.
It annoyed me. It all did.
She wanted me to comfort her after she did a stupid stupid thing. What would seeing Vic even accomplish for her? How did that bring her closer to me? I mean, I might understand it if she wanted to fuck Vic.
The thought crossed my mind and I hated it. Maybe I should ask her about it. It would just piss her off and that was far too easy to do.
I got into my bed and pulled my covers up. It hurt the most that I wished she was holding me.
The door opened again after a little while and I heard her move around. The bed dipped and she climbed in, laying beside me and planting her hand on my arm.
I twisted in the bed and pulled her closer, wanting a hug. She obliged and hugged me hard.
"Sorry," she whispered.
It bothered me that my hoodie was so thick and I couldn’t feel her. I had to break us apart to tug the thing off and get close to her again. She was all clean and she smelled amazing. She’d obviously just showered. “You’re not sorry if you did it on purpose and you’d do it again.”
Expl
aining to her where I was emotionally wasn’t something I knew how to do.
Maybe she could go fight someone and be emotionally messy with me and demand sex and that would work for her but that didn’t work for me, I tried that. The things that happened still happened. They weren’t going to disappear.
Tears fell out of my eyes again and annoyed me.
“I don’t want the summer,” I whispered. “I want to stay here with you. Alone with you.”
"Me too and I wouldn't do it again. It was a mistake but at least I got to know more about Vic and I realized some things like how I've been wrong.”
"No. Stop that," I said. She kept wanting to explain things to me but I didn't need her explaining.
"Stop what? Telling you stuff?"
"No, the other thing," I said. "You keep apologizing and saying self-deprecating things. That doesn't change things, ya know? I don't want you to be sorry or to think you're wrong about anything. I want you to stop doing dangerous things but that's about it."
"Oh," she said.
She let go of me and rolled over. When she rolled back and slipped her arm back around me, I felt her bare skin. She'd taken off her robe.
I held her tighter and breathed her in.
"I'll do that then," she said.
"I doubt it," I laughed.
"I'm definitely not going to run off to chill with your ex," she said.
She laughed too and I felt her lips on my shoulder.
"So what, you're like friends now?" I teased.
"I wouldn't go that far but we're not fighting. I think I get her a little bit more now.”
"Weird," I said, wondering. What Vic could have possibly said to her was beyond me.
"She tried to do me a weird favor by giving me a chance to hit her, which is the weirdest favor anyone has ever tried to do for me.”
"Why didn't you hit 'er," I wondered. Charli had a lot of anger she wanted to get out. It might've helped.
“Because I didn’t want to be out of control like that and it wasn’t the right thing to do. Plus, she would win,” she explained.
"That's a lot of reasons," I said, stroking her skin with my fingertips.
“Yep and I’m glad I didn’t do it. She was disappointed, I think,” she laughed.
"I'm sure," I said. "She likes fighting. Just needs a good reason. Or maybe a reason that doesn't matter so much."
“Have you ever really fought her?”
"She's usually only sweet with me physically," I recalled. "All this weird stuff is new. Since I had to move here. Any kind of physical with me was too telling for her, I think. Like, even holding my hand. She wouldn't do it too long unless she forgot about herself, who she wanted to be. That's why it meant so much when we'd sleep together like this. Not naked, of course. Just as friends."
“She thinks you can’t be friends anymore but I told her I think you’d want to be.”
"I know you want to fix things Charli. Some things take time." Not every wound could be sutured that way.
“That’s actually what I said. Give it time.”
"Are you telling me or telling her 'cause I already know and I think she does too."
“I told her that after she said you would have to be different people to be friends/”
"We're already different people." I kissed her forehead.
“Oh yeah, you smell better,” she joked.
"Stop," I groaned and kissed her face. "I'll have to eat you." It made me mad that she could make me smile right now.
“I wouldn’t complain. You are so good at that,” she teased.
"Hey," I laughed, embarrassed.
“It’s just the truth,” she said.
"Mhmm," I teased. It felt so good just to lay with her.
“Sexy and now I’m thinking about it,” she groaned.
"Yeah of course," I laughed. "You've been weird all day."
“Weirdly, turned on at times.”
"Yeah," I laughed. "I didn't want to say anything. It was kinda hot."
“I just needed you. I’m glad you didn’t hate it,” she said.
"How could I? Well, the crying part scared the shit out of me outside but after that… No, that was really intense and hot. I just worried."
“I’m really bad at letting anxiety build up and I guess it just explodes and things like that happen,” Charli revealed.
"Uh, yeah," I laughed. "I kinda noticed."
“It’s not a good time for anyone,” she sighed.
"I like you," I said. "You just might be as crazy as Vic though."
“Oh wow, that’s something. Should we start a club?” She laughed.
"We already found each other," I teased. "I don't want other people in our club."
“But who’s going to be president?” She joked.
"Oh my god, so lame," I laughed. "No Presidents. It's a partnership. Why? You wanna rule?"
“Absolutely not, I suck at that,” Charli said.
"Oh good," I sighed. "None of that then. That'd be toxic."
"I'd rather just worship you," she teased.
"Oh god," I groaned. "See, that's just as bad. Too much attention makes me act all weird."
"Hmm, I don't agree. You get really cute.”
"I'm not used to it," I laughed.
"You will be eventually and then you won't even notice it.”
"I hope not. I like the way you make me feel."
"Good. That means you'll stick around," she said.
"I want to," I reminded.
"Me too," she said.
She pulled me over so she could kiss me.
A rush swam through me like a river. The attraction I'd been feeling all day gushed right back until it filled me up full.
I touched her face with my fingers and whimpered.
"Hi," she whispered.
I kissed her and watched her, taking deliberately.
"Nice," she said.
"Touch me," I asked. I nuzzled into her and pressed my hand to her chest to feel her heartbeat.
She started at my cheek, holding my face while she kissed me, my chest heaved, and then she moved lower and met it. Charli spent time there, more time than I’d ever remembered her taking. My head swam with it, a frenzy of lust. My heart pounded and my stomach kept sucking in at the unexpected pleasure. Her touch was a drug.
I shut my eyes and tilted my head back. My fingers slipped into her silky wet hair. I wasn’t so mad any more, not about anything.
Chapter 35
Parent’s day was something I didn’t usually care about. My parents didn’t always make it. I’d say half the time they managed to get free. My games were always more important than Parent’s Day. When I’d first come here Mom had asked me what school event I prefer they come to if I had a choice. I always picked soccer.
This year they were wrapping up their schedules so they could get off for Europe. I still hadn’t talked to them about staying in the US just in case something happened and I couldn’t be near Laura. We also hadn’t talked about summer since that night that I called Vic. Neither of us were willing to go there right now. The end of our honeymoon time was approaching.
Laura’s parents weren’t going to meet me as her girlfriend, just as her roommate. It didn’t bother me. I knew how hard it was for her with her parents even without them knowing that she wasn’t straight. The hardest part would be not touching her like I usually did and watching what I said. I couldn’t call her by the pet names that had become normal over time.
Like now, I was watching her get ready to go to breakfast in the dining hall and I couldn’t help but stare. She was brushing her hair and trying to tame it. The nervous energy emanated from her in waves. It had the effect of making me calm for now. When we were about to meet the parents, I knew I’d get anxious.
We countered each other’s energy sometimes. She would be calm when I was upset or vice versa. Unless, there was something major to get us both upset, it worked. Our opposites complimented and when we did intersect, it was just
as good.
I got up from my desk and approached her. She was half clothed, wearing jeans but no top, just a bra covered her chest.
“Hey,” I said, wrapping my arms around her. “You okay?”
"Yup. 100," she lied. Laura was good at pretending to be fine. But I'd known her so long that I could tell when she was lying.
“Uh huh, sure you don’t need a shot of liquor or something?”
"That'd actually help," she smiled.
“Do we have any contraband anymore?” I asked.
I went to look through the closet where we usually kept any liquor we got our hands on.
“Ah, hmm… All we have is pineapple rum,” I said, pulling my head back outside of the closet. “You want?”
"Uh. No. Ew," she said. "Why do we even have that?"
“Nadia left it here that night she came over,” I said.
"Yeesh," Laura remembered, fixing her hair. Her eyes caught mine and she held her stare. "Get over here," she said.
I put the rum back and closed the closet, obeying her.
"Hello," I said, approaching her.
"Hi," she smiled. Her gaze kept me. And she pulled me in for a kiss.
"That's nice. Thank you," I said.
I held onto her and kept close. The scent of her hair reached me. It was such a drug. I wanted to bury my face in it.
"You're too pretty," she said.
"You're biased," I replied.
Neither of us wanted to do this but it was inevitable.
"You can call it that if you want," she smiled.
"Mmhmm," I stepped back to look at her. "You look very nice.”
"Uh, pfft, yeah sure," she shrugged.
"It's true. I'll have to remember not to touch you," I sighed.
"Yeah," she said, sadly. "You know I'm gonna hate this right? There's nothing about it I'm going to like."
"Same. I can't wait for it to be over but I'm still crossing my fingers that it won't be a disaster.”
"I dunno," Laura said, stressed. "It's just going to be a chore."
"True," I tugged her closer by her waist. "How hungry are you?" I started kissing her neck. "I mean, we could always skip it," I teased.
"I wish," she whispered, sensitive.
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