by Nicole Dykes
“He’s spent a lot of time here.”
“He’s convenient. Viv doesn't have a lot of time for dating, so she just fucks whoever comes close.”
“Asher.” Lola’s voice is both shocked and warning as I stand from the table, humiliated and feeling guilty.
“It’s okay. He’s mad.” I look over at Asher, my gaze cold. And there are so many cruel things I could say, but I don’t.
I don’t want to hurt him.
I don’t want to hurt anyone.
Lola takes my hand. “Please don’t leave. I don’t get to see you very often.”
I feel bad and sit back down because I really do care about Lola. “How long are you here?”
“I have to get back tomorrow.” She turns to Asher. “I was hoping you would go to Mom’s house and help me help her. She has to get rid of some stuff.”
“Why, the beach house is small?”
“Smaller than their current home. Yes.”
He nods, telling her he’ll help without saying anything as he stands up. “I’m gonna go shower.”
He leaves, and Lola turns to look at me, deep concern in her eyes. “What happened? I thought you guys called it quits.” Yes, I told her everything Christmas Eve over eggnog.
“We did. I told you it was a mistake.”
She nods. “Are you okay?”
She’s one of a kind. She’s his sister, but I see the compassion she has for me. “Yes.” My eyes well up with tears, the memories of last night flooding through me. “No.”
She nods and pulls me into a hug smoothing my hair. “He loves you too, you know? He does. He’s just an idiot.”
I laugh through tears against her small bony shoulder. “He doesn’t. He’s just a child who doesn’t want anyone else playing with his toy.”
She holds me by the shoulders and pushes me back enough to look into my eyes. “Sawyer?”
I sniff and wipe away a tear. “He’s attractive. And charming.”
“Yeah. No shit. That boy could talk a nun out of her habit.”
I laugh at that and then so does she as I brush away more tears.
“Do you really think that’s a good idea? I mean, I'm sure he’s a great rebound.”
I shake my head. “That’s not how I see him.”
She studies me with uncertainty. “You don’t?”
“No. Sawyer has been good to me. He makes me laugh, and maybe he’s not the most serious guy, but I'm a little too serious at times. It’s kind of nice.”
She nods her head slowly, trying to follow me, but I can tell she thinks I'm not making good decisions. “That thing about him hooking up with sisters, that’s true, you know?”
I remember the rumors in school. “Everyone has a past. I’m not one to judge what others have done.”
She shrugs her shoulders. “I mean yeah, but . . . he is a player. I can’t picture him settling down either, Viv.”
I couldn’t either. But there was something in the way he kissed me last night . . . I’m not so sure. “We’re just getting to know each other at this point. And he’s great with Sebastian.”
“That I really can’t picture.”
I laugh. “It was the strangest thing. Baz is suspicious of almost everyone, but he took right to Sawyer.”
She smiles. “Well, he is an excellent judge of character.” She tucks a piece of my hair behind my ear. “You do whatever makes you happy. Go with your gut, and don’t let my brother make you feel guilty. You gave him his chance.”
My heart aches, thinking about that night and how badly I just wanted him to love me back. To try.
“I don’t want to make any more mistakes.”
She nods her head, only kindness in her eyes. “Believe me, I know that all too well. Not making mistakes is my forte. But I also have never gone after what I want.”
“That’s not true.” She looks confused, and I remind her. “Lola, you’re my hero. You wanted to make your own name, and you moved to California and started your own business, leaving behind everything you’ve ever known. You’re incredibly brave.”
She smiles, her chin lifting a little with pride. “That’s true.” Her voice softens. “But I meant with my heart.”
I’ve never known Lola to date. She’s never been in a serious relationship that I know of, and as we’re on this subject, I see the sadness in her eyes, beneath the surface. “There’s still time for that.”
She laughs as she stands up, taking her coffee cup to the sink. “Fuck that. I have a career and house I love. I’ll get a cat or two, and I'll be set.”
I laugh as I meet her at the sink. “Any guy,” I shrug my shoulders, not wanting to box her in, “or girl, would be lucky to have you.”
She laughs at that, and after I place my cup in the sink, she places her hands on my shoulders and looks me dead in the eyes. “If you want to date Sawyer. Date him. If you want to go on Tinder and have all kinds of crazy, safe sex, do it. Do what you want to. It’s not your job to pine after Asher until he pulls his head out of his ass and loves you back the way you deserve to be loved.”
“You’re full of good advice, you know that?”
She laughs, “It’s kind of my thing.” She drops her hands. “And . . . he will kill me, but I have to offer.”
I look at her curiously. “What?”
“If it’s too much being here with him, you and Baz can always come and stay with me until you figure things out.”
I stare at her, stunned, but I'm not sure why. She did the same thing for Penelope. “I can’t do that to Baz.”
“What? Let him live on the beach? Go to a private school in California and soak up the sun in his free time?”
I look out the window, the dull ache in my chest not going anywhere. “Take him away from Asher.”
She already knew that’s what I meant. “That part would suck. They love each other so much. But, Viv, if you’re not happy, . . . Baz is not happy.”
“I can’t do that.”
She nods. “Okay, but the offer is there. The rest of his family is there too.”
But the relationship he has with Baz . . .
I won’t do that. I can’t.
Why does she have to be so fucking beautiful? And smart? And fucking sexy?
I watch her trying to negotiate with Baz to eat his peas at my mom’s dinner table, and all I can think about is last night in her room.
I hate that that’s exactly where I want to be.
Always.
But I can’t be there.
I can’t commit to her, and she wants a commitment. She thought she was in love with me.
I’ve ignored four calls from Sawyer today, and I know he wants to hash this shit out, but I'm not having it.
Fuck that asshole.
He told me how serious it was hooking up with a single mother, and now he goes behind my back at tries to do the same thing with the exact same single mother.
Fuck him.
“Colt wouldn’t eat them either.”
Jesus, thanks Mom. We’re going back to this. I can’t think about my brother right now. I’m already in a shitty fucking mood.
I don’t want to be here.
Vivienne smiles as she gives up and turns the conversation to something else. “Are you guys excited to move?”
My mom smiles brightly, but I see the sadness in her eyes. “I am.” She looks around the dining room. “But I'm going to miss it here.”
“We’ll miss you too.” Viv tucks her hair behind her ear. She’s wearing a shirt with a high collar and her hair down, but I catch a quick glimpse of the blotchy purple mark I left on her neck, my dick twitching in my jeans at the thought.
“You can come visit anytime.” My mother’s voice sounds slightly nervous. “And we still have the lake house here.”
Lola and I both tense, and it’s my sister that switches the subject. “You’re going to love living on the beach, Mom.”
Our mother is beaming now. “I can’t wait. It’s always been a dream
of mine.”
Vivienne smiles, and the rest of dinner is bullshit small talk before Viv takes Baz home in her car, and I hug my mom and shake Tony’s hand before Lola walks me out to mine.
“Take it easy on her tonight, okay?”
I know she’s talking about Viv, and I can’t resist. “She doesn’t like it easy.”
Lola fake gags. “I’m not talking about sex, asshole. Don’t have sex with her at all, but also don’t be an asshole.”
We reach my driver’s door, but I don’t move to open it. “She isn’t married.”
“No. She’s not, but she is in love with you.”
My blood runs cold as I stare at my sister, my mom’s driveway is lit up and the sun hasn’t gone down completely so I can see her clearly and there are no fucks given on her face. “She told you that.”
Lola stands firm, her face showing no emotion. “She loves you, and I really, really think you love her too, but you’re a coward and immature and that’s fine. But do not punish her.”
“Damn, Lols. Don’t hold back.”
“I love you.” She places a hand on my shoulder, and I know she does. “But you have so much to learn. And you are an immature little shit.”
“I can feel the love.”
Her head tilts to the side, and she sighs heavily. “You aren’t ready to love her yet, but you don’t own her.”
“We would be a disaster, Lola. You know we would be.” My throat pulls tight as I look up at the sky, unable to look at her. “We would be mom and dad.”
“I know.” Her voice is sad as I lower my eyes, and I believe she thinks it’s true too. “I know, Asher.”
She doesn’t want us together either. “You think Sawyer will be any better for her?”
“I think she needs to figure that out and not be confused by you.”
“If she really cares for him, I wouldn’t have gotten inside of her so easily last night.”
Lola’s nose scrunches up, and she shoves my chest. “Do you have to be so graphic? I mean, Jesus. I grew up with three brothers, I should be used to it, but even Linc isn’t that gross.”
I chuckle slightly. “I’m not Linc.”
She nods decisively. “No. You’re not. But you could take a cue from him.” She squeezes my shoulder with her small hand. “Let her find out who she is.”
“He won’t be good for her.”
“Let her decide.”
I hate that she’s right. She pulls me into a hug and kisses my cheek, not saying anymore as I pull out of the drive and head back home.
To the house I live in with Vivienne and Baz.
I don’t want to make it easy on her. I don’t want her to fall into his trap and make a huge mistake, but I really don’t want to commit to her and then turn into my father.
That would be truly tragic.
When I get home, I see Sawyer’s car in the driveway, and my eyes immediately darken with the same rage I felt last night.
He’s here?
I park my car and fly up to the walk, but Sawyer isn’t inside. Instead he’s sitting out on the top step of the porch.
He’s waiting for me.
“No,” I growl as I stay on the sidewalk leading up to the porch.
“We’ve been friends for a long time. We need to talk.”
“Fuck you and your friendship.” I don’t move and he stands up, walking down to the bottom stair.
“You don’t mean that.”
“How the fuck can you do that? You went out on a date with her. You kissed her.”
He looks slightly surprised, and I'm glad, feeling a small victory. “She told you I kissed her?”
“She did.”
“It was just a kiss.”
“Yeah, what’s that about? Couldn’t close?” I take a step closer to him. “That’s not like you. Losing your touch.”
“I care about her, Asher.”
I scoff, running my hand through my hair and laugh at him. “Bull. Shit. You want a piece. That’s all you’ve ever wanted. Since you found out I fucked her, you wanted a taste, and that’s all this is. If you get it, you’ll be bored.”
“Like you?”
“Fuck you.” We’re inches apart now, glaring at each other like rabid dogs waiting to attack.
“I didn’t mean for this to happen.”
“Bullshit. You planned this. It’s your game. You want the fucking thrill, and you’re going to use her to get it.”
I know him well. Viv thinks she’s a thrill chaser, . . . she has no fucking clue. Sawyer is an adrenaline junkie. He loves to push the limits and fuck shit up. It’s what he does.
And he’ll do it with her heart.
“I won’t hurt her.”
“Then stay away from her.”
“A bit hypocritical, isn’t it, Ash?” He drags his hand over his chin, and my fist clenches at my side. “You didn’t.”
“I’m not you.”
“You’re right.” He chest puffs out, and his muscles flex. And I'm pissed that he’s not backing down but not surprised. “I’m not a fucking coward. I know what I'm getting into, and I'm not afraid. You’ve been scared of fucking everything since Colt died.”
“Don’t.” It’s a vicious growl through clenched teeth, but he doesn’t even flinch.
“It’s true, and we both fucking know it. Maybe even before. So afraid of being like Linc. Wanting to be like him but feeling like you’ll turn into your father.”
I grip the collar of his polo shirt. “Shut the fuck up before I rearrange your pretty boy face.”
“Do it. Give me a fucking reason, and I'll return the fucking favor.”
He wants me to hit him. I recognize the desire to feel the pain, and I shake my head, releasing his collar. “She’ll never really fall for your shit.”
“She sure fell into that kiss last night.”
My jaw ticks, thinking about his lips on hers. My voice is low and angry. “Yeah?” I edge closer. “You think it had any impact on her? Because it wasn’t you in her bed last night.”
“You motherfucker.” He’s spitting mad, and I feel the rush of satisfaction at him knowing that I fucked her last night and not him.
“She’ll always compare you to me.”
“Not when I fuck you out of her.”
There’s that nauseous feeling again. “Don’t touch her. You’ll only hurt her.”
“You already did. I don’t want to hurt her. I want to fucking heal her.” I hate his fucking words, and I don’t believe him for a second.
“You are not a healer, Sawyer. You’re a destroyer. Like. Me.”
I see it in his eyes. The uncertainty. Because he knows the truth as much as I do.
He’ll only bring her pain.
I haven’t seen Sawyer for a few days, and Asher has been completely avoiding me. Lola went back to California, and Nora is leaving tomorrow.
So Baz is staying with her tonight.
It hasn’t really gotten any easier to be away from him overnight, but I know he needs this before she moves. They both do.
I called Sawyer, and we’re going out to dinner. I have no idea where this is going with him, but I know I want to get to know him better.
And I know I need to stay away from Asher, at least as much as I can.
Thankfully, he’s not home when Sawyer picks me up, and I try to ignore the dull ache in my gut, thinking about where he might be tonight.
Sawyer’s smile is beautiful as he opens the door to his car, his eyes momentarily lingering on my neck. And I freeze, hoping he doesn’t say anything. The mark from Asher’s mouth has faded, and I tried to cover it with makeup, but it’s still there.
The floral sundress I'm wearing does nothing to hide it.
He clears his throat as I climb in, but he doesn’t say anything and closes my door, walking over to the driver’s side.
“So, what do you feel like eating?”
He’s not going to mention it. Maybe he doesn’t care. Maybe it’s too awkward to bring up. Or
maybe he left his own mark on someone else since our date, but his complete silence about it seems off.
Sawyer rarely holds back.
It’s one of the things about him that makes him attractive.
“Anything is fine with me.”
He drives, and I feel the awkward silence threatening to swallow me whole. Maybe I shouldn’t have asked him out until the mark on my neck was completely gone.
He parks the car at one of my favorite Mexican restaurants, and I wonder silently how he knew I loved this place. But he doesn’t turn the car off, and neither of us move.
“I already knew, Viv.”
My heart threatens to explode in my chest as I try to remain calm. “What?”
His eyes meet mine, and he doesn’t look mad. “I know you fucked him the night we went out. He told me.”
My hand creates a fist in my lap. I’m going to knee him in the balls next time I see him. “He what?”
Sawyer’s shoulder kicks up in a dismissive shrug. “It’s fine. I don’t own you. We went out on one date.”
“A great date. That ended in a fantastic kiss.”
And it was. “Right.” He grips the back of his neck with his hand. “I guess I got you all warmed up for him.”
I feel a pang of guilt as I shake my head. “No. It was . . . what I did with him was . . .”
“Stop.” He’s not angry. He really doesn’t appear to be affected at all. “Viv, you don’t owe me shit. We aren’t in a committed relationship. We went out on one date.” His hand drops, and his lips are pulled up in a sexy smirk. “I may not like that his hands were on you, but you don’t owe me fidelity.”
“I . . .” I’m not sure what to say.
“Look, I like you. Which is really kind of a mindfuck. I’m not used to that feeling. And I’ve done a lot of fucked-up shit.”
“Two sisters?” I grin, and he shakes his head, matching my smile.
“Yeah. It wasn’t a rumor. And I played it off, saying they both wanted it, joking about it and acting like it was on them. But the truth is, . . .” he swallows, and I see remorse in his eyes, “one of them was really hurt. The one I had been casually fucking for a year or so.”
