by K. A. Berg
“What happened?” He breaks the silence.
Good fucking question. “She’s running,” I reply. “She’s miserable, and everything I thought I was doing to help and be supportive was making it worse. She wants to stop before it puts a strain on us, but it seems like it’s a little too late for that.”
“I don’t mean to sound like a dick…”
“Since when?” I interrupt with a gruff laugh that earns me a slap on the back as Tanner mumbles asshole under his breath and shakes his head.
“As I was saying, why the hell are you getting drunk in a bar and not home talking about all this with Quinn?”
Jim arrives with a few plates of food, momentarily interrupting our conversation. He places down a pizza, a plate of wings and a basket of sliders. “Thanks,” Tanner nods as he slides the pizza in front of me.
Knowing I’ll regret the decision to drink so much in the morning if I don’t start absorbing the alcohol in my stomach, I grab a slice of the greasy pizza and dig in.
“Because I’m pissed, and she locked herself in the bathroom,” I answer around a mouthful of hot gooey cheese. “She yells at me, makes a huge decision all on her own, not caring at all what I want, and runs to hide without even a glance back over her shoulder. Not to mention she made sure to tell me everything I’ve done to push her away but only after it was too late. I thought I was helping. I thought I was doing the right things.”
Tanner stuffs a slider into his mouth before asking, “What exactly are you mad about?
“I’m mad about everything. She made this decision all on her own. I didn’t even know this was a possibility. She pulled the fucking rug out from under me. I thought everything was okay. Clearly, I have no idea what was going on in my marriage.”
Jim drops off the two glasses of water as I use the moment of silence Tanner is giving me to shove a burger into my mouth.
“I knew something was bothering her, but I trusted she’d talk to me. Like she promised she would. But did she? NO. She let it get this far without telling me she’s unhappy or that my helping was making it worse. She’s running and letting fear win. She’d rather give up than enter into something she can’t control. Either I accept her decision, or I push the subject and risk losing my wife. I can’t force her to do something she doesn’t want to. I’m fucking mad about everything.”
“So… who are you really mad at? You or her?”
While there’s no doubt I’m mad at Quinn, I don’t know if I’m angrier with myself for not noticing what was happening right under my nose or with her for not telling me. “I’m not sure.”
Tanner nods. “You need to cut yourself a break. You couldn’t have known what she was thinking, and obviously, she hasn’t said anything to anyone because I don’t think anyone knew she was ready to give it all up. She hasn’t said anything to Ashley. Ash would have said something to me about it. And, you can be mad at her for not talking to you about everything she was going through, but you should tell her how this makes you feel. You can’t force her to have a baby, so you guys need to figure out a way to work this out before it does permanent damage.”
I snort. “The funny thing is she said she wants to move on from this before it ruins us and changes our marriage.”
“Maybe you should finish up here and head home to your wife to make sure you prevent that from happening. Before all this pain and hurt is for nothing since you lost everything in the end.”
Talking about this with Quinn won’t get me anywhere. She won’t even entertain the idea of listening to me. She’s set her mind on closing the door to children. I saw it plain and clear in her eyes tonight as she told me to fuck off. And truthfully, I don’t want to talk to her. My irritation and disappointment in her are too much. Quinn made this decision on her own, and now she’ll have to deal with it on her own while I come to terms with her making a major life conclusion for us without so much as consulting me. And I can’t do a damn thing about it.
I pick up my beer and drain the rest of the bottle. “There’s nothing for me at home. I’m just going to stay right here and hang out with my friends Jack and Jim.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
QUINN
BEFORE MY EYES EVEN OPEN, I KNOW THIS MORNING IS GOING to be a repeat of the last few. Is this how Bill Murray's character felt in Groundhog Day?
The other side of the bed is cold and still made. The air in the house is still and quiet. Alex has most likely already left this morning… just the same as the last couple of days.
We haven’t spoken since our big blow out. The only communication between us was the note he left for me the morning after. Need some time to process. A simple note was waiting for me on the kitchen counter, as though we didn’t have the biggest argument of our relationship the night before.
Like a note was the answer to fixing this.
Nothing about this experience has happened the way I imagined it would. I never thought it would lead here. All the screaming and yelling, now silence. How the hell did we get here? One minute we were finally doing better. Alex eased up on the baby fever, and I could finally start to breathe again. I thought he understood where I was coming from and that we were getting back in sync. Boy was I wrong.
Over the years we’ve typically seen eye to eye on things, and if we don’t, we figure it out. We haven’t had any real significant arguments as a married couple. We didn’t even fight when I told him I wasn’t planning on taking his last name. He’s always just understood me better than I understood myself. But none of those differences had been over something as big as a child.
I’m not a monster. I know I’m crushing a dream of Alex’s—a dream he was okay living without until I opened the door. When I first said I didn’t want children, it honestly didn’t seem to bother him. Maybe he’d always been hoping I’d change my mind. And I did. Except when I said I wanted to start a family, I never imagined I wouldn’t be able to. It never occurred to me that trying to get pregnant would bring us nothing but pain.
Anger still lingers, festering under my skin because we haven’t resolved anything. Alex crossed some major lines. He went too far. How dare he compare me to my father? I am nothing like Louis Taylor.
I know Alex thinks I’m running, but I’m not. The situations are completely different and the fact that he can’t see that proves that he still doesn’t understand my perspective. Instead of blaming this on fear, Alex needs to realize this is our reality and it wasn’t of my choosing.
It’s been a year since I stopped taking birth control and committed to starting a family. I tracked my cycles, ate better, exercised, and read all the books. I can’t do anything more. I don’t have it in me. We tried and tried. We did everything we were supposed to do, at the right time, and nothing happened. I get the message: it’s just not what’s meant to be for us.
A big part of me can’t help but think I’ve only tricked myself into thinking I could handle being a mother. Sure, I’m a great aunt. I love my nieces and nephews, but maybe that’s all I’m capable of. When I was a little kid, I wanted to be a pilot. That doesn’t mean I should fly a plane. Just because I want to be a mother doesn’t necessarily mean I should be. If I have to force it, isn’t that a sign I shouldn’t do it?
I’m truly not the bad guy here, but to Alex, I am because I don’t want to do anything to intervene in the universe’s plans. Everything about this feels wrong and forced. I feel it deep down in my bones. At first, this whole idea was exciting, and everything was great. Now, I haven’t spoken to my husband in three days, and we couldn’t be further apart. Our marriage has become strained.
Alex’s vision is so focused on our hypothetical future children, he has completely stopped seeing me, which explains why he hasn’t been able to notice the shift between us. Everything in our life seems to revolve around babies and getting pregnant. It’s consuming and making me bitter. For a man who can usually read me like a book, how has he missed this? Nothing feels the same between us.
Alex
avoids home like it's his new job, but the minimal amount of time he’s in our condo, he’s moved opposite of me as if we’re two magnets turned backward. Wherever I went, he wasn’t. I’m not sure how that makes me feel.
He needs his time to let his anger pass, and I can understand. We had a beautiful dream of a life with a house full of kids. And then I woke up and realized it’s just a dream. It is never going to happen for us. It’s time to move on. I’ve been coming to terms with the end of our dream for a while now, but Alex thought everything was fine.
All I can do is hope he’ll come to see this is the right thing to do.
Just like the last three days, I drag my ass out of bed and head toward the shower. If I sit around all day thinking about it, I’ll go nuts. My sanity is barely holding on by a thread as it is.
_____
AS I MAKE MY WAY THROUGH THE LOBBY, THE HUSTLE AND bustle of my office building is a welcome sight. A place where I can turn it all off and lose myself in work.
I fake a smile, going through the motions. “Morning, Kendra.”
Kendra’s head snaps up, and she starts to smile her hello, but her eyes slightly widen as she takes me in. The bags under my eyes are more than noticeable. There was no covering them as much as I tried. I’m also pretty sure I have on two different shoes. One heel feels higher than the other. Either that or lack of sleep is affecting my equilibrium. Who knew being ignored could be so tiring?
She regains her composure quickly. With the number of times I’ve jumped down her throat lately, she has a reason to look a little scared this morning. “Good morning, Mrs. Taylor. Would you like me to bring in your coffee and messages right away?”
I nod. “That would be great. I didn’t have time to stop for coffee this morning.” My entire drive to work this morning was a blur. I’m lucky I made it here in one piece.
Sitting down at my desk, I remind myself I tried my hardest to leave my problems out on the New York City sidewalk in front of the building. I stick my purse in my bottom drawer and will everything running through my mind to stay in there with it when I close it.
Knowing diving head first into my workload is the best option for my current state of mind, I wake up my computer, enter my password and open my email. Kendra pops in with my coffee and a stack of pink messages. “Will you need anything else right now, Mrs. Taylor?”
Inhaling the divine scent of my coffee, I grab the cup and take a generous sip, not caring about how damn hot it is, and savor the flavor before answering Kendra. “Just the usual Thursday reports, please. And can you hold any calls that aren’t important today?”
Kendra has been with me for years. She was my assistant at Taylor Ventures. She knows when I’m having a bad day and when to leave me be. It’s not surprising when she slips back out of my office with only a nod and closes the door behind her.
My inbox dings and I see the reports I asked for come over from Kendra. Time to stop wallowing and get my ass in gear. I won’t be the woman who sits around second guessing everything and worrying about shit. Alex said he needs time and I’ll give it to him. Lord knows he’s given me more than enough time when I needed to work on my shit. When he’s ready to talk, we’ll talk.
My phone doesn’t ring for hours until Kendra calls me at lunchtime. “Mrs. Taylor, I’m heading out on my lunch. I’ve forwarded all of your calls to Mr. McCallahan’s secretary. Can I get you anything while I’m out?”
I hadn’t realized how much time has passed and my stomach grumbles at the thought of food. “Thanks, Kendra, but I’m okay. I’ll order something to be delivered.”
Just as I’m figuring out the numbers for potential investment in a new fitness app, Jordan lets himself into my office and makes himself comfortable in one of the armchairs in front of my desk. “Hi…”
“Hello…”
He unbuttons his suit jacket and leans back in his chair. “Is everything okay?”
I don’t answer, not knowing what he’s specifically referring to, and opt for cocking my head to the side.
He sighs as if he’s frustrated with my silence. “Lately you’ve seemed different. Sad. Quiet. Distant. It’s not like you to spend day and night here when we don’t have something going on. I want to make sure you’re okay.”
This is one of the parts that sucks about working with one of your closest friends. Your personal life is always right there in the office, too. Especially when your friend knows you and your habits all too well. There’s no escaping my problems like I wanted to. “Everything is fine. Good. I’m just trying to make some headway on these new proposals, see if there’s anything good in here. You know, doing my job.”
Jordan tilts his head and quirks an eyebrow, his look telling me he doesn’t believe a word. “Is whatever was bothering you a few weeks ago with Alex still going on?”
I glare at him and try to give my best ‘leave-me-the-fuck-alone’ look. “I clearly remember you bitching to me about leaving my shit with Alex at the door. Now you want to talk about it, in my office? Make your mind up, Jordan.”
“It’s bad, huh?” he asks, ignoring my brashness. It was a dead giveaway that he hit the nail on the head.
Dropping my pen on my desk, I sit back and shake my head. “Jordan, the last thing I want to do right now is talk about Alex. I want to look at this stack of ideas, work the numbers, and make some decisions. I want to work not talk.”
Jordan shakes his head. “Quinn, no offense, but you have a crappy track record when it comes to talking about things, and you keep shit bottled up, thinking you can handle things on your own. It only leads to a bigger mess. You haven’t been yourself in weeks, and as your friend, I can’t sit by and ignore this.”
Jesus Christ. All I wanted to do was lose myself in here today. I’m not in the mood for a fucking therapy session. Someone needs to tell Jordan though; he doesn’t look like he has any intention of getting the hell out of my office. His jacket undone, one ankle resting on his opposite knee showing off his ridiculous striped socks, and his hands folded across his abdomen. “Is there any chance of you leaving my office with me not having to talk about this? I just want to forget about it right now before I have to go home and deal with it again.”
“Quinn,” Jordan barks.
“Ugh, fine,” I snap, slamming my hand on the desk. “I don’t want to keep trying to have kids, and Alex does. He’s pissed at me. You happy now?”
Jordan’s eyes widen, and his smugness disappears. He sits forward in the chair again, both feet now on the ground, and his brow furrows. “But why is he mad? Why do you want to stop?”
Pushing my chair away from the desk, I stand and walk to the window. Staring down, I focus on all the liveliness of the city. “He’s mad because I don’t want to go see fertility doctors. As far as stopping, I’m starting to resent Alex for even making me believe I could do this. I’m starting to resent a child not even conceived yet…”
As I glance back over my shoulder, sympathy is painted on Jordan’s face, and it irritates me. “The look on your face right now is another reason. You guys are always looking at me with pity, as though I’m less of a woman because I can’t get pregnant.”
“Why would you think that, Quinn?” Jordan asks with a stern look on his face. “None of us look at you any different than before. Why didn’t you say anything to us if this is how we were making you feel?”
“It’s not something one just slips into a conversation, Jordan.” My voice is harsh. Why does everyone have to make everything sound so fucking simple? It’s not fucking simple. “No woman wants to sit around with all her friends talking about how’s she’s defective and can’t get knocked up. Especially when everyone around her has kids.”
He frowns. “It’s not something to be embarrassed about, babe. We’re your friends, and we love you. We want to be there for you, and we’d never make you feel bad about yourself. Why don’t you want to go to the doctor?”
Walking away from the window, I head over to the mini-fridge in the c
orner of my office. “There’s no way I want to get tested or have Alex get tested. I don’t want either one of us to feel the burden of knowing it was our fault. It’s not fair, and it wouldn’t change anything,” I explain. “Just because we go and follow the instructions and do what’s recommended, doesn’t equal a guarantee. What good will it do to find out who is to blame? What purpose does it serve, other than making one of us feel worse, and the other possibly feeling resentful.”
He shakes his head. “ But what if it’s something small or a simple fix? People have trouble getting pregnant and go on to have healthy babies all the time.”
“What if it’s something huge and not a simple fix?” I counter as I grab a bottle of water from the fridge.
“You have the means to have any doctor in the city at your disposal for any issue you may encounter,” he rebuts. “Not everyone does.”
“I get it. People have issues, and there are doctors to make it happen, but that’s not a path I want to take. My road ends here.” My frustration starts to mounts, and I pace. “Just because there are options out there doesn’t mean they’re for me. It’s my right. I get to make the choice. I wish everyone would start respecting my damn choice and keep their judgments to themselves. It’s my goddamn body.”
Jordan stands from his chair and walks over to me. “It is your body, and it is your right, I’m not judging you. I was giving you my opinion based on my feelings. I would want to know no matter what the turnout.”
“There’s no way I could handle any more, Jordan,” I sigh. I don’t expect him to understand. I don’t expect anyone to understand. “I’m not happy. I’m stressed. I need to stop this before it gets worse. Before my resentment becomes aimed at my husband. I don’t want to go back to that place where I feel out of control and angry. I’m heading there, Jordan. You remember what that part of my life was like? When I was pretending every day? I’ve already got one foot down the rabbit hole, and I need to pull it out before I fall in entirely.”
