I love you, Kam. I’ve only ever been loved by two people in my life—you and Tegan—and I love the pair of you more than anything.
But I know what you’re like, Kamryn Matika—you’re a stubborn bitch who shuts down whenever the going gets tough. So I know you won’t have let me explain what happened with Nate. And you need to know, Kam, you really do. It wasn’t what you thought, it wasn’t an affair, it wasn’t like we ever thought about the other person in that way…
chapter 36
It wasn’t what Kamryn thought, it wasn’t an affair, it wasn’t like we ever thought about the other person in that way. I never longed for Nate romantically or sexually; he was such a dear, precious friend, almost as close to me as Kam, it was just, when it happened, it was a time when everything was so mixed up. So many things were going on. It was messy when it started and the end was just, what’s a word more extreme than messy? I can’t think, but that’s what it was.
Kamryn never understood how much Nate loved her. She loved him back, of course, but he’d do anything for her, his love for her was limitless, I think. Unconditional. She could have done virtually anything to him and he would’ve forgiven her. I’m not sure that’s very healthy but that’s how it was.
I was always a little in awe of how much Nathaniel loved her. And it must have been love from the outset because she was awful to him. Even when they got together properly. The shit I went through to become her friend was nothing compared to how she treated him. How sarky she was, offish, snappish and downright rude. But he stuck it out. Cut through all her bullshit and proved every single day how much he cared. She often said that I didn’t know him, didn’t know what he could be like, that he often needed her to prop him up, but she didn’t say that resentfully. I think it was her way of showing that it was a two-way thing. That while he loved her unconditionally, she cared for him in ways that weren’t immediately obvious. I thought I was going to die with happiness the day she said they’d decided to get married.
Even then, though, Kamryn didn’t quite believe that Nate was for real. I could see it sometimes, in the way she’d get a concerned look across her face when he left the table. She’d always wonder if he’d mutate into one of the controlling bastards who’d plagued her past. She worried, constantly and unnecessarily, that he’d find someone else. She’d start conversations about whether love really lasted forever. “What happens to love when you’ve been together so long that you can’t remember the reasons why you got together in the first place?” she said once. “When you’re together and it’s fine but it’s not the be all and end all.” When she saw my face she covered by saying, “I’m just wondering. I’m allowed to wonder.”
The time it happened, Nathaniel was so torn up. He’d just come back from driving Kam to Leeds, where she was going for business. He often did that, would drive her up there, then drive back again that day because he got to spend all that time with her. And when she was ready to leave, he’d drive up there to get her again. She never asked him to, he simply wanted to do it. Anyway, he drove her there and then dropped by my flat on the way back because Kamryn had told him to. She worried, you see, about me being on my own if she wasn’t around, so she’d told him to go check on me when he got back to London. He was knackered, exhaustion showed on every line of his face, his clothes crumpled, his skin pale, but there was something else. He was troubled, hurting. I could see it the second I opened the door.
He flopped onto one of my sofas and refused the drink I offered him. He said he wouldn’t stay long, just wanted to make sure I was all right.
“I’m fine, but you’re obviously not—what’s the matter, Nathaniel?” I asked.
“Nothing.”
“Ah, right, that’s why you look like death, then, is it?”
He rubbed his hand across his eyes, stared into space for a moment. Then he exhaled. “I think Kamryn’s going to leave me. She’s found someone else.”
“Don’t be silly,” I said, trying to be honest.
“She has. I can tell. I know my fiancée, I know how she gets when she’s in love, and she’s definitely met someone else. She can hardly look me in the eye nowadays and she won’t talk to me—not even to snipe at me. This drive up north was hell—five hours of virtual silence.”
“Nathaniel, if there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that Kamryn would never jeopardize your relationship. She wouldn’t even look at another man.”
He shook his head. “You’re terrible at lying, Adele. But thanks for trying. I need to work out what to do for the best. But I can’t seem to think.”
“She really hasn’t done anything,” I reassured him. “And she wouldn’t. Kam’s not the cheating kind.”
“No, she’s not. My ex was, she did it for years and I put up with it. I couldn’t bear it with Kam. Not after…I know she wouldn’t physically cheat but I reckon I should end it before she leaves me.”
I was horrified. By the hopelessness in his voice, by the fact he was going to end their relationship. I had to make him understand that it was a glitch. “Look, Nate, she’s not going to leave you. Now, say, hypothetically, she’s met someone. Maybe at work. This is all just hypothetical, remember. And, say she clicked with this person and they started to spend lunchtimes together, had a laugh. That is all it would be. A laugh. Maybe she’d start to question certain aspects of her life, but Kamryn would never give you up. Not for anyone. We both know she’s never loved anyone but you.”
“Yeah,” Nate breathed. He raked his fingers through his hair. “I’m so confused…Do you mind if I lie down for a second before I go home?”
“Course. You lie down, get some rest.”
Nathaniel went to lie down in Kamryn’s old room, while I watched TV. Hours later, I went in to check on him. He was sound asleep when I crouched down by the bed and, bless him, he looked so peaceful. Angelic. I jumped a little when his eyes flew open and he was suddenly wide awake and staring at me. I don’t know if it was because he’d looked so beautiful in his sleep, if I’d forgotten who he was, or if I’d just taken leave of my senses, but I did it. It was all my fault.
I kissed him.
Nathaniel looked surprised, then jerked his head away. That shocked me back to reality and I remembered who he was, that I didn’t fancy him, that I’d done a stupid, terrible thing. I turned to run away, horrified that I’d kissed my best friend’s fiancé, but he grabbed my arm, stopped me. I was scared as I turned back because I knew he wasn’t going to shout at me, I knew what was going to happen. We kissed again, and then it happened. It wasn’t frantic and lust-fueled. It was slow. Loving, gentle, beautiful. I’m sorry, it’s not what Kamryn would want to hear but I want to make it clear that it wasn’t about us fancying each other, about feelings building up over time that we couldn’t ignore. It was about two people who had different reasons for doing what they did. No man had been nice to me like that in a long time. And for that little while, I could pretend that the person I was with cared about me, was making love to me rather than just fucking me. That’s what most of the sex I’d experienced up until then was—fucking, sex without emotion. I know Kamryn could do that without it hurting too much, but that was because Kam had got used to compartmentalizing her life so early on. I’d never got the hang of it. I was always too much, as I once told Kam. Too everything all the time. I couldn’t put bits of myself away no matter how much hurt I’d been through. So each time I had sex without love I could barely convince myself that it was OK, that I didn’t feel worthless and lonely afterward. With Nate, for those few moments, I could pretend he cared about me. It wasn’t real but it felt real, for a little while.
When I woke up, Nathaniel was fully clothed and sat on the edge of the bed. “I’m really sorry,” he whispered. “So, so sorry.”
Even in the dark I could see how ashamed he was. I was too. “What have I done? How am I going to make this right? I’ve done the worst thing possible,” he said. I knew how bad he was feeling because I felt that same anguish. On
ly, I’d been far worse than him. I’d known Kam for longer, I’d been there when all those other men had treated her like dirt and I’d just done something far worse, first by kissing him, then by making love to him. “When she gets back,” he was saying, “I’ll finish with her and move out. She doesn’t want to be with me anyway, so I’ll tell her what I’ve done. But I won’t say it’s you. I’ll say it’s some girl I met in a bar, and then I’ll go. She doesn’t need to know about you, this doesn’t have to ruin your friendship.”
I couldn’t let him take the rap for this. We’d both done it. And he was so decent that in his mortification all he could think about was making things better for me. We talked and talked until we agreed we’d put it behind us. We’d forget all about it. And it worked. We didn’t fancy each other, neither of us had any wish to repeat it, so it didn’t become an issue.
Then I found out I was pregnant. I knew straightaway he was the father and I knew I couldn’t tell anyone. Not Kamryn. And definitely not Nathaniel. He would have confessed and Kam would have left me.
It’s selfish, I know, but I couldn’t bear that thought—Kam leaving. When she did go, it broke my heart. I knew what she was like, she’d never stop to listen. She’d only think of it as betrayal, which it was. But it wasn’t like Nathaniel and I loved each other in that way. We’d simply done something unbelievably stupid. And I can’t even say I wish it hadn’t happened because that would be wishing away Tegan. Would she be Tegan without her nose, her talent for drawing, that unusual royal blue of her eyes if she wasn’t Nate’s child? Of course she wouldn’t. After everything I went through with my family, having a blood relative who loved me as much as I loved her was the most important thing in the world. I hadn’t planned on getting pregnant, but I didn’t regret it once it had happened.
That sounds awful and I don’t blame Kamryn for being so angry. I just want to apologize. I wish I had the time to explain it to her. I wish I had enough time to try, in the smallest way, to put it right.
chapter 37
When it was over, I sat on my sofa staring into the mid-distance. I couldn’t move.
Adele was there with me. I could feel her. As though she was sitting beside me, and now, having relayed her story, was waiting for my reaction. Waiting to hear what I had to say, feel what I had to express.
I turned my head and she wasn’t there. She wasn’t sitting beside me on the floor, her hair wild around her face, her tank top stretched tight over her toned body. She wasn’t looking at me with fear and anticipation in her steel-blue eyes. Slowly the feel of her faded, evaporated into the ether, and I was sitting alone in my living room.
Why? Why had Nate done it? I now knew it was an impulse for her. That was what she was like, impulsive, spontaneous. Act first, think later. But Nate thought everything through. Even if it seemed to be an instant thought, it would have been one of the many things he spent time brooding on. He said the other day he was feeling low at the time it happened, was that one of the ways he made himself feel better? Imagining making love to Adele? Had he been waiting for the chance, which eventually presented itself?
I had to know. I picked up the phone, which was sitting in a cradle by the sofa, and stared at the buttons. I couldn’t call him, not with Tegan and Luke in the house. I launched myself off the sofa, moving like a madwoman, I went to the coat rack and grabbed my coat, I crushed the letter into one of the pockets, then shoved my bare feet into Luke’s trainers, not caring that they were too big for me. I opened the door, slipping my keys into my pocket. Shutting the door quietly, I crept down the stairs and outside into the bleak midwinter night.
Standing outside in the navy black night, I dialed his number, and after the fifth ring his sleep-musty voice croaked, “Hello?”
“Why did you do it?” I asked, louder than I intended.
“What?” he replied. There were muffled sounds as he moved in bed.
“Why did you do it?” I repeated. “Why?”
“Kam?” He coughed to clear his throat. “It’s four a.m., what are you doing?”
“I have to know. She told me. She told me what happened; I know why she did it. But I don’t know why you did. Why?”
“Jesus, Kam, what are you doing? Where are you?”
“In the street.”
“What?” I could hear him wake up, sit up suddenly.
“The street where?”
I sniffed back cold-induced snot. “I had to come outside because they’re asleep…Why? Was I that terrible? I was, wasn’t I?” Suddenly it felt as though my internal organs were being crushed, compressed by a vice. I gripped the phone tighter, as the pain intensified. “I’m sorry,” I gasped. “I was such a bitch. I knew you’d leave me one day because I was such a bitch.”
“Kam, I’m coming over. Stay where you are. I’ll be there soon, OK?”
I nodded.
“Kam?”
I sniffed. “Yes,” I said in a small voice.
“OK.” His voice was clearer, stronger, he was obviously standing up. “I’ll be there soon.”
Nearly thirty-five minutes later the silver Audi driven by my ex drew up outside my building, and I straightened up from my position huddled against the brick archway entrance. I’d had my arms wrapped around myself the whole time, trying to keep warm.
He’d obviously dressed in a hurry: black jogging bottoms, a heavily creased black T-shirt and a navy blue fleece. There were no socks with his trainers, he hadn’t even had time to spike up his hair into its usual style so it was partially sleep-crushed. He crossed the pavement toward my flat as I came down the path to meet him. We met at my gate, his face a mix of confusion and worry and sleep. Unbidden, wild uncontrollable anger spiked through me. Before I knew what I was doing, my arm was raised and I’d slapped him across the face.
There was a lack of surprise on his face as his head moved slightly at the blow, he just cast his eyes down to the ground. Nothing was said for a few seconds, then Nate raised his hand to his slapped left cheek. “That’s been a long time coming,” he said.
I shoved him, he stumbled backward. “So has that.”
I pushed him again and he stumbled backward again, this time against his car. I wanted to hit him, but was scared of actually hurting him. Because it was in me. The rage in me was enough to cause him permanent damage. “Why?” I asked. “Why did you pull her back? I know what she’s like. I know she’s impulsive. I know she would have kissed you and not meant it. But why did you pull her back? How could you do that? Why did you do that?”
Nate stayed huddled in his silence.
“Why, Nate? What did I do? Was I that awful? I didn’t mean to be. I just…I was a bitch.”
Nate looked up then, took me in his arms. “Shhhh,” he hushed against my ear. “Shhhh.” He continued hushing me until I stopped speaking.
“I always thought you didn’t care that much,” Nate said, still holding me. “You never reacted like this at the time and I thought you’d gone because of the betrayal. I never thought it had hurt you that much. It’s hard to fathom you sometimes.”
“Of course I cared. I just couldn’t speak about it. For more than two years I couldn’t speak about it because it’d make me fall apart. And I knew it was me. I’d done it. I’d pushed you two together.”
“We were never like that, Kam. Adele and I were just friends.”
“So why did you pull her back? Kiss her? Make love to her? She told me, you know? She told me that she kissed you and was going to run away but you pulled her back. Why?”
“Because…”
I tensed in his arms, knowing he was going to say it was because I was rubbish. In bed and out of bed. That I was so rotten to him that he had to pay me back somehow. This had always been my terror, my fear, why I couldn’t talk about it: what happened confirmed that I was different. Broken. Adele and Nate had come together because I was so awful.
“Because right after she kissed me and I pulled away from her, she looked so terrified. She bit her lowe
r lip, her eyes all wide, and that simple action reminded me of you. That time when we first had sex. Afterward you got dressed and were about to go home and I asked if I’d see you again, remember? You turned around, kissed your palm, blew me a kiss, said, ‘We’ll see,’ and left. Just before you blew me the kiss you had that same expression on your face. You looked so scared, so surprised and I don’t know whose mannerism it was first, but you bit your lower lip. It was only a fleeting thing, but it was so honest that I fell for you. And, that night with Adele, I was so confused about us, I knew we were almost over, and I saw that look again. It reminded me of that moment I fell for you. I wanted it back. I wanted to make love to the you I fell for, not the one I’d been existing with for the past six months.
“I know it was wrong, but I did it. That’s why I told you the other day I took responsibility for it. What I did was selfish, it was all about me and trying to get back what I couldn’t. I hate myself, but the whole time I was thinking about you. I’m not just saying that, I was. She had a different body to yours so it almost felt like that first time with you. I did that to Adele. I used her to make myself feel better. And then I was a complete bastard to her when she told you what we’d done. She didn’t realize that I was blaming her for something that was my fault. Do you have any idea how much I hate myself for not making things right with her before she died?”
“Yes,” I replied. “Because I hate myself more.”
Nate pulled away from me slightly. “You didn’t sort things out with her? But you took Tegan…How did you know what happened that night?”
I pulled the balled-up letter from my pocket. “I just found it,” I explained. “I thought you knew that I didn’t know. Why do you think I called you now? I just found out.”
“You never talked to her?”
I shook my head.
“Oh God, Kam…” He pulled me close. “Why not?”
“I couldn’t think about it, let alone talk about it. And then there was Tegan. You made her together. You two had something that I could never be a part of. I hated you both for that. You had a baby. I never wanted a baby, but if I did want one, it would have been yours. You’re the only person on earth I’d want to have a child with, and you did it with someone else. Someone I loved. That’s why I had to leave. I couldn’t stay when you’d made a baby, a new life, with someone else.” I was incoherent. Every thought in my head was rushing to come out at once. “I thought I had more time. I thought I had a few months to get used to the idea of having her back in my life, and then one day we’d have that conversation. But she died. She died so suddenly. I knew it was going to happen but when it did…” I pressed the palms of my hands onto my eyes. “I wasn’t ready…I didn’t get to say goodbye. I didn’t tell her that I was sorry. That I didn’t hate her. I didn’t tell her I loved her. I walked away not knowing that was the last time I’d ever see her.” Nate held me up as what little strength that had been holding me together, holding back my grief, disintegrated. “I’m such a horrible person. She was dying and I didn’t let her talk. I was too scared to hear it. But I wanted to say goodbye. I just wanted to say goodbye.”
My Best Friend's Girl Page 28
