“I’m with Luke,” I repeated.
“Really?” he murmured, lowering his head until our lips were millimeters apart. “Why are you kissing me, then, Kamryn?” He said my name as though it had been dipped in desire, and it had the intended effect of making passion explode in my stomach. I was desperate to kiss him again, to feel all those sensations and memories again.
I glanced away, refocused my attention down the corridor, searching for something to look at that would cool me off, bring me back to reality. Something banal and everyday that would calm my mind. I stared at the coffee machine. At the plastic chairs. At an empty hospital trolley. At Luke.
Luke was standing in the corridor, staring at me. At us. At what we were doing.
His face was expressionless, as though all emotion had been blasted off with the shock of seeing me kissing my ex. Me doing the one thing he feared most.
“Oh, fuck,” Nate breathed before I had the good sense to step out of his hold.
I took a step toward my boyfriend, “Luke,” on my lips, but he cut in with “Is she all right?”
“Luke, it’s not—”
“IS SHE ALL RIGHT?” He raised his voice to drown out my explanation.
I nodded. “She’s asleep. The antihistamine and the adrenaline knocked her out. She’s going to be fine.”
Luke said nothing as he assimilated this information. Nate stepped forward. “Look, it’s…”
Luke shot Nate a look so deadly it could have been fired from a gun, a look that said if he didn’t shut up, blood would be shed. “Can I see her?” Luke asked me.
I nodded. “She’s got a private room, this way.”
We walked in silence down the corridor and turned the corner, our footsteps out of sync because Luke was a couple of paces behind me. He didn’t speed up to catch up with me and if I slowed, he slowed. He couldn’t have been clearer if he said it: “I don’t want to walk with you.”
Tiga was lying on her side in a bed with rails. Her hair was pale against the white pillow and her face was ashen. Luke perched himself on the chair on the left side of her bed. He stared down at her with a wounded expression on his face. I knew it wasn’t because of what he’d seen in the corridor, it was because she was hurt. She’d been hurt and he hadn’t been there to protect her. Luke tilted his head to one side, pressed his lips together as though stopping himself from crying as he stared down at Tiga.
“How did you know?” I asked in a low voice from my place at the door.
“I, erm, canceled the meeting,” he whispered, never taking his eyes off Tiga. “I got up there and turned around and drove back. I couldn’t stand the thought of missing T’s birthday, so I came back. I went to the community hall and Mrs. Kaye told me what happened…What did the doctors say? Will she be all right? Will there be any side effects?”
“She’s going to be fine,” I whispered back. “She’s staying overnight just in case of complications, but she should be fine. She’ll be knackered for the next couple of days, until the antihistamines wear off, but there should be no lasting effects.”
Luke took her little hand in his, bent his head and touched his lips against the back of her pale hand. “See you tomorrow, gorgeous,” he murmured. “Sleep well.” He got up from his seat, still staring at her, then turned and stopped short for a second, as though he’d forgotten I was there. He composed himself and stalked out of the room as though I didn’t exist. Checking that Tiga was still asleep, I turned and left the room to follow him.
He marched down the corridor at a breakneck pace. “Luke,” I called, trying not to raise my voice too much in the hospital, I didn’t want to disturb other people.
He didn’t ignore me in the purest sense; he didn’t reply, but he sped up as he heard my voice call his name. I increased my pace, trying to catch up with him, our footsteps making a flat squelching sound on the rubberized floors.
I followed him out of the hospital and into the car park. Out there I could raise my voice and I did, bellowing, “LUKE!” with a ferocity that scared me.
He stopped, then spun to meet me, which caused us to collide because I was closer to him than he realized. He caught me in his hands, then shoved me away as though touching me had burned him. I stumbled back and he stood watching me. His orange-hazel eyes that had been gazing tenderly at Tiga not five minutes ago now raged with something close to hatred.
“What do you want?” he asked, his voice flat but frighteningly aggressive.
“Let me explain,” I said, not daring to move any nearer to him.
He shook his head. “No.”
“But…”
“But what? I don’t need an explanation. It’s quite clear what’s been going on. You’ve been playing me for a fool since day one. I was the stand-in; someone to play happy family with until he came back.”
“You know that’s not true,” I said.
Luke nodded, reluctantly. “Yeah,” he conceded, “I know that’s not true.” He took a step closer and I could see how exhausted he was, having spent most of the day driving.
“But you know what is true? What is true is that I”—he poked himself in the chest—“love her. I”—another chest poke—“would do anything for her. I’d die for her if I have to. I WANT TO BE HER FATHER! And he”—Luke pointed an angry forefinger in the direction of the hospital building—“he doesn’t. He doesn’t give a crap about her. He’ll never love her.” Luke brought his finger back and jabbed it angrily at the hospital again. “He’ll never care for her like I do.”
Luke was right about that one thing. Nate would never care about Tegan like Luke did. He may have tried but it was always that—trying. Trying to love Tegan. Trying to understand her. And if he thought there was some chance of it ever becoming easier, of him caring enough about her like a father should, he wouldn’t be willing to sign away all parental rights.
“He’s only around because of you. Because he wants you. And you’re so fucking stupid, you’ve fallen for it.”
“Don’t call me stupid,” I replied. “I haven’t fallen for anything. Nate isn’t that calculating.”
“You’re pathetic,” he spat. “Sticking up for that man. That man who couldn’t even pretend to give a crap when his daughter was rushed to hospital. Actually, no, he must have thought it was the perfect way to put the moves on you.”
“He gave a crap enough to be there at his daughter’s birthday party though,” I snapped back at him. “And where were you? Working. At least Nate didn’t put work before his daughter.”
“You really can’t see that everything he does is to get into your knickers, can you?”
“At least he fancies me.”
Luke’s face twisted in confusion. “What?”
“At least I know that Nate fancies me. Always has. From the moment he saw me, in fact, he thought I was attractive. Sexy. Gorgeous. He never thought I was ugly or needed to lose weight.”
Luke’s eyes darkened, and he lowered his head. “I can’t believe you’ve brought that up. That was a long time ago. Things were different then.”
“Do you think it doesn’t hurt, still? That I could forget how you used to look at me, the things you said?”
“No, I guess not. But I suppose if I slept with your best friend and fathered a child with her you’d forget that, wouldn’t you? You’d be willing to jump into bed with me the first chance you got.”
It was my turn to lower my head. I put my hands on my face. This was wrong. I was meant to be apologizing, explaining that it was a one-off, that I wouldn’t be kissing anyone except Luke ever again.
“Ryn, I love you,” he said, his voice quiet and measured. I looked up at him, his face had softened. “And I always knew that you and Tegan came as a package deal—you can’t have one without the other. And, to be honest, that was fine. I love you, even though I liked Tegan first. But I—I can’t understand why you would want a man who doesn’t love your daughter as much as you do.”
“I don’t want Nate.”
> Luke sighed, rolled his eyes a little and shook his head.
“I don’t think that’s true,” he said. “And I’m not going to stick around to find out if it is or isn’t.”
“You’re leaving me?” I was so shocked I nearly fell over.
“Ryn, you don’t get to kiss someone else and still be with me.”
“But it wasn’t like that. I didn’t…I was so scared about Tegan and he was there and you weren’t. And I wanted you. And he said that he was going to let me adopt Tegan for real. And I was—”
“Ryn,” he cut in. “Tell it to someone who gives a fuck.”
He turned on his heels and marched away. His car was sitting a couple of parking bays away but he didn’t acknowledge it.
I stood and watched him walk out of the car park onto the street, disappearing into the Saturday afternoon throng that passed the hospital.
chapter 46
I’m glad you’re better,” Luke said to Tegan. “I was very worried, but you’re all better.”
I stood by the doorway of the small hospital room, watching them. The adventures of the day before showed on Tegan’s heart-shaped face: her skin had been bleached white by the drugs, dark shadows lurked under her eyes and a grayish tinge colored her lips.
Luke had brought her another birthday present—a photo album that had a maroon leather cover and a gold embossed “T” in the bottom right-hand corner. He’d already stuck in a photo of the two of them at the beach when we’d gone to Whitby for the day. Tegan held the album in her arms, watching Luke with suspicion and apprehension—she could tell something was wrong. He wasn’t the best at hiding his feelings, and his distress was radiating from him in waves. I’d called him last night, left a long, rambling message on his phone asking him to call me so we could talk, but he hadn’t. Nate, who couldn’t apologize enough, who genuinely hadn’t wanted to damage my relationship (I wasn’t fooling myself, he wanted me and Luke to split up but not like that) had offered to drive me to Luke’s place, but I’d turned him down. Luke obviously didn’t want to speak to me, and I didn’t blame him—I’d messed up, I’d hurt him, why would he want to talk to me?
“What’s the matter, Luke?” Tegan asked.
“Nothing,” he replied, avoiding her eyes.
“Mummy Ryn says that when there is something wrong,” she admonished. He should know by now that she was an expert on picking up the feelings of those close to her.
“OK, there is something wrong,” he admitted. My heart stopped; was he going to tell Tegan what I’d done? “I have to go away.”
“Go away where?” Tegan asked, her eyes wide at the very idea. My eyes doubled in size too.
“Remember I went to New York last year?” She nodded.
“Well, I’m going back there, to live. I have to go to London first, to finish this job,” he said. Tegan’s face became a mask of horror. “I went for the interview when I was in New York,” he replied to all the unasked questions circling my brain. “They offered it to me a few weeks ago. I accepted it yesterday.”
“But why?” Tegan asked.
“Because it’s my job,” he said.
“Are you really going to heaven to be with Jesus and the angels and my mummy?” she asked suspiciously.
Luke shook his head. “No. Not at all, T. I’m going to America. Remember, I showed you it on the globe?”
“Is it because I was ill?” she asked. “I won’t be ill no more, promise. Double-promise for ever and ever.”
Anguish flew across Luke’s face. “Of course not.” He reached out and took her hand in his. “Of course not. Baby, even if you were well, I’d have to leave. It’s something I have to do. I have to go.”
“Don’t you like me no more?” she asked.
“Tegan, I don’t just like you, I love you. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I wish I could stay but I can’t. I’m sorry.”
Tegan’s face fell even further into misery. “Aren’t we friends no more?” she asked.
“Of course we are,” he replied. “We’ll always be friends.”
“Are you still Mummy Ryn’s boyfriend?” she asked.
I held my breath.
“I can’t be her boyfriend if I’m in America.”
“I don’t want you to go,” she said, her voice without hope.
“I don’t want to go either,” he replied. “But I have to.”
The corners of her mouth turned down and she stared at her hands. She was trying not to cry, I guessed. She was brave like that.
“OK, baby,” he eventually said, moved toward her. “I have to go.”
“And you’re never coming back?” she asked.
“No,” he replied. “But I’ll call you. And I’ll write to you.”
“OK,” she replied sadly, clearly not believing a word of it.
Luke closed his eyes as he hugged her. She moved her arms as far around his torso as she could get. She hadn’t looked so sad in months. Untangling himself from Tegan, I saw his eyes were glistening. He kissed her on the forehead and then, forcing a smile, said, “Bye, T. Tegan. Bye. I love you.”
“Bye, Luke,” she whispered.
“I’ll be back in a minute,” I said to Tegan as Luke shut the door behind him. I opened the door to go after him. This would be the last time I got to speak to him, I had to stop him leaving us.
I expected to have to run to catch up with him, but he was a little way down the corridor. From the way he leaned against the wall, his face in his hand, his body shaking, I guessed he was crying. I walked up to him and placed a hand on his shoulder. When he didn’t shrug it off, I slid my arm around both his shoulders. “Let’s talk?” I asked.
We sat in the canteen, without drinks, hunched over in our seats, staring down at the Formica tabletop in silence.
“Luke, I’m sorry for kissing Nate,” I began. This was where I should have started yesterday, with an apology.
“And I’m sorry that you saw me, I can imagine that hurt a lot, but it was the first time. The only time. I was just terrified about Tegan and all my emotions were mixed up. I would have told you, you know. Because I want to be honest with you. I know that you never understood this, but, Luke, you’re the one I want to be with. I love you. It’s not been easy because you and I had to work to even start liking each other, but you turned up in my life just when I needed you. You’ve helped me grow up. And yes, that’s mostly to do with Tegan being around but it’s to do with you too. You’ve helped me and you’ve helped Tegan, I don’t want you to go.”
Luke’s reddened eyes watched me talk.
“It was only a kiss, you know, just that one time. Nothing more. I haven’t slept with him. I wouldn’t do that to you. I know how that feels and I wouldn’t do that to you. The kiss shouldn’t have happened but it did and I’m sorry. I’m terribly, terribly sorry. But please don’t leave us because of that.”
He watched me until I stopped speaking. “Ryn, if Tegan loved Nate like she loves me, would we be even having this conversation? Would you be back with him?”
I paused before answering. I was sick of this. I’d had enough of being the imperfect one with suspect motives and impure thoughts. There was no one on earth who knew, without a single sliver of doubt, what they wanted one hundred percent of the time, who wasn’t tempted and swayed even momentarily. I wasn’t the only person on earth—in this relationship—to have doubts, but I was the one who was constantly having to defend myself. Defend my thoughts—even though I didn’t express them.
“I don’t know, Luke,” I replied. “But she doesn’t and she does love you so I can’t answer that question. Not even in abstract because even if you do leave now you’ll still have been around, how she feels about you will always be that barometer. But if we’re going to go down that route, let me ask you something: if it wasn’t for Tegan, would you have even thought about having a decent conversation with me, let alone kissing me or going out with me?”
It was his turn to pause. His pause
elongated into one of his noisy silences. He couldn’t even lie. Did he understand now that “what if?” wasn’t fair when you were asked to polarize things into one moment of time, when you had to defend what you wanted at a completely different moment?
“And, while we’re here, I have to know something else—why didn’t you tell me you’d been for an interview when you were in New York? And that you were offered the job?”
“Because I wasn’t going to take it.”
“But that’s why you were so hesitant about moving in with us, wasn’t it? You were still wondering if you should take that job.” And go back to Nicole.
Another silence when he couldn’t deny the truth.
“OK, maybe you’ll have an answer to this question. When I said I didn’t want any more children, you didn’t think I meant it, did you?”
“But you’d be such a good mother…” He stopped as he realized what he said. Even after all this time, all our conversations, all his reassurances, he still said it.
“You don’t think of me as Tegan’s mother, do you?” I said, tiredly. “And if you of all people don’t, how is anyone else going to?”
“I do. That came out wrong. I do think of you as her mother and I saw how brilliant you were with her, and I wanted you to have more kids. With me.”
“But I told you, I don’t want any more. Didn’t you believe me? Did you think I’d change my mind or something?”
He reverted to silence.
“I told you I’ve never wanted children, I haven’t changed my mind, I never will. I suspected you didn’t understand that but I ignored it, thinking it’d be all right—”
“It doesn’t matter now, does it?” Luke interjected. “I’m leaving.” He didn’t want to play this game anymore. Not since he found out that “what if?” wasn’t fun when you’re not the wronged party.
“Yes, you are,” I replied calmly. He was going, there was nothing more I could do to stop him. I’d apologized, I’d explained, I’d told him how I felt. All of it no good. Nothing would do any good, he’d made up his mind to go and that was it. That day in the hotel when Nate tried to get me to come home with him, nothing he could have said would have made me come back. Nothing, except, “It’s not true.” Luke was going. I had to deal with it.
My Best Friend's Girl Page 35
