Her chest tightened with an overwhelming emotion she refused to name, even to herself.
A film of tears blurred her vision suddenly, and she closed her eyes against a pain she knew would eventually assert itself. Nestling her head into the hollow of his shoulder, Laura closed her mind, shutting off the thoughts that threatened to ruin this one beautiful moment.
For now, she only wanted to rest in his arms and listen to the heartbeat of the man who had become too important to her.
A soft sound of distress woke him from a sound sleep. Jeff stared at the ceiling for a long moment, trying to figure out just what he’d heard.
Laura sighed and moved in closer to him. Her head on his chest, her warm breath brushed across his skin like a whisper. He smiled into the darkness and pressed the memory of this moment deeply into his brain. The silky texture of her skin. The warmth of her body curved into his. The sensual drape of her unbound hair spilling across his arm.
He committed all of those senses to memory. Fifty years from now, he wanted to be holding her just like this and be able to reach back in time and relive their beginning.
He stopped, stunned at the thought. His smile faded as he tried to shy away from it, but it was too late. It was as if his subconscious had already accepted the fact that he and Laura would be together forever.
Before he could wrestle with his own feelings, the sound that had awakened him came again. A thin, mewling cry that tugged at his heart.
Miranda.
He looked down at the sleeping woman in his arms and smiled to himself. He wouldn’t wake her. No reason for both of them to have their dreams interrupted. Carefully, Jeff slipped from under Laura’s outflung arm and eased off the mattress. Pausing long enough to grab his robe from a nearby chair and tug it on, he started for the open doorway.
Darkness didn’t slow his steps. He could find his way safely through the apartment even if blindfolded. At the door of his room, though, he paused for a brief glance at Laura.
Even the deep shadows couldn’t keep him from seeing her. Her form neatly outlined against the plain white sheets, she slid her arm across the mattress as if searching for him in her sleep.
How perfect she looked in his bed.
How good she felt in his life.
Vaguely, he wondered how he had lived as long as he had without her. And how he would ever survive when she left him at the end of the summer.
Jeff brushed one hand across the top of his head, then scowling, tugged the belt of his robe tighter around his waist. A moment later, he turned his back on Laura and headed off to the other bedroom.
Slivers of moonlight pierced the darkness, pointing the way to the crib, where Miranda lay fretting, her blankets twisted around her legs. Jeff stared down at her for a long minute. She rubbed her eyes with two little fists and squirmed uncomfortably, her tiny mouth forming a pout in her sleep.
Jeff reached across the crib rail and gently released her from her cocoon. Immediately, Miranda flipped onto her side, dragged the stuffed bunny close and drifted back into her dreams.
In the hush of darkness, the baby’s deep, even breathing measured the passing seconds. Leaning his forearms on the rail, he stared down at the child who had changed his life in so many ways.
Shaking his head softly, he realized just how small, innocent...defenseless she really was.
Something tightened in his chest, threatening to strangle his heart. There were so many things in the world for her to explore, discover. Joy. Pain. Love.
He reached into the crib again and gently ran his fingers along her cheek. Her mouth worked frantically, as if she were sucking on a bottle filled with her favorite drink.
That silly pink bunny stared up at him through wide, green-yarn eyes. Another change wrought by Miranda. Who would have guessed that Agnes Butler had such a soft spot for babies?
He shook his head slowly. “Why should that surprise me, though?” he asked in a whisper. “Look what you managed to do to me.”
Miranda slept on, unaware of the man talking to her.
“I never wanted kids, you know,” he confessed. “But you probably guessed that early on.” He pulled her blanket a bit higher up on her shoulders. “Didn’t seem to stop you any, though. You kept right on, looking cute and smiling at me. Expecting me to fall into line.” He chuckled gently. “Just like a woman. Sneak under a man’s defenses. Change his life until he can’t remember what the world was like without you and then reel him in.”
His smile slowly disappeared as he sunk down to kneel on one knee beside her crib. At eye level with her, he stared at Miranda, captivated by the sweep of eyelashes across her cheeks and by the tiny mouth, still working in her sleep.
Love blossomed in his chest, swelling and growing to painful proportions. He was good and caught, he thought. He couldn’t give her up. This tiny baby had become an integral part of his life. He couldn’t imagine not being around to see her take her first steps. Hear her first word.
The realization that had been building within him for weeks reared up and demanded to be acknowledged.
There would be no neat adoption.
He wouldn’t be calling child welfare, looking for a way out. Where Miranda was concerned, he thought with a smile, there was no way out.
He swallowed hard and began whimpering again, forcing the words past a tight throat.
“I’m no prize, Miranda,” Jeff said. “I don’t know much about being a father. I’ll probably make lots of mistakes, too.” She should be warned about just what she was letting herself in for, he told himself. “But I promise you, I’ll try.” He reached through the bars of her crib and curved the palm of his hand gently around the back of her head.
Inhaling sharply, he blew it out in a rush and added, “I love you, Miranda.” He smiled, feeling the relief at finally admitting to the emotion that had been plaguing him constantly. “Believe me, I’m just as surprised as you are. I didn’t count on this happening. Heck, I would have bet money on it never happening to me.”
He shrugged and chuckled quietly. “But if I’ve learned anything since you first came to me, it’s that life does change when you least expect it. You and Laura both taught me that,” he said. “I can’t even imagine my life without you two in it,” he admitted, his voice tinged with the wonder he felt at that one simple fact.
The baby shifted, cooed something unintelligible and turned her face into his touch.
Jeff’s breath caught. He felt the responsibility of her care settle on his shoulders, and amazement flooded him as he realized that it didn’t feel at all like a burden. More like a blessing.
His vision blurred suddenly and he blinked to clear it. “I promise you, Miranda,” he said softly, “I will do everything in my power to keep you and to make sure you’re happy. I may not be much of a daddy yet, but you can work on me.” He paused thoughtfully. “Daddy. Sounds kind of nice, doesn’t it?”
One corner of his mouth lifted and a protective pride rose in his chest. “But there is one thing you should know right off, for when you get older,” he said sternly. “There’ll be no boys hanging around the house. Since no one will ever be good enough for you anyway, I don’t want a bunch of teenage Don Juan’s coming after my baby.”
She sniffed, rubbed her tiny nose and made a grab for her bunny again.
Slowly, Jeff stood up and stared down at her. “My baby,” he repeated, liking the sound of it. “My little girl.”
Laura swiped at the tears coursing down her cheeks.
Standing in the shadowed darkness of the living room, wearing only one of Jeff’s camouflage uniform shirts, she kept to the side of the doorway where she could hear him and not risk being seen. Quickly, she glanced into the room and saw him leaning over the crib as he made heartfelt promises to a baby he had grown to love.
Laura straightened up again and struggled to control the rising tide of tenderness washing over her. His words had reached into her heart and opened up all the dark corners she had lived with
for too long.
She ached to go to him, lay her head on his chest and feel his arms close around her. At that moment, there was nothing she wanted more than to experience the warm safety she found in the circle of his embrace.
But Laura didn’t move. Not only because she didn’t want him to know she had again eavesdropped on him as he spoke to Miranda. But also because of something he had said about her.
He couldn’t imagine his life without her.
Did that mean he loved her, too?
A sense of panic shot through her bloodstream, obliterating the tender feelings and the overpowering longing she felt for him.
She ran her palms up and down her arms, feeling the rough fabric of his shirt scrape against her skin. His scent clung to the material, teasing her with every breath she took.
A sudden chill crept along her flesh.
This couldn’t work. Her own fears would defeat her. Whatever it was that lay between them was destined to fail. She’d known that all along. Ever since the first time she’d kissed him.
Another tear trickled from the corner of her eye, and she quickly brushed it away.
She couldn’t stay much longer, she told herself. She couldn’t be around him as he made plans for his and Miranda’s future. A future Laura could have no part in.
Briefly, her mind drew up an image of the long, lonely years stretching out ahead of her. She pictured the faceless woman who would replace her in Miranda’s life. Would that same stranger take her place with Jeff, as well?
Would he and Miranda forget all about her once she was gone?
A sharp stab of regret pierced her heart at the thought.
But there was nothing she could do about it. Nothing at all, beyond enjoying whatever time she had left with the two people she’d come to care for so deeply.
Pulling in a series of deep, ragged breaths, she scuttled back to his bedroom and crawled onto the mattress. Laura reluctantly took off his shirt, tossed it to the floor and lay down, drawing the sheet up over her.
If she was very lucky, by the time he came back to bed, she would be asleep.
Ten
Born under a lucky star she wasn’t.
Laura could have feigned sleep, but the truth was, she didn’t want to. What she wanted was to feel Jeff’s arms slide around her, listen to his heartbeat and content herself with the moment.
He settled himself against the pillows, and when she moved up close to him, he wrapped one arm around her and held her tightly to his side.
“Everything all right?” she whispered, despite knowing that all was well.
“Yeah,” he said, his tone as hushed as hers. “She’s asleep again.”
“Good.”
“I’m going to keep her, Laura. Raise her as my own.”
Despite the situation, she smiled and kissed his chest. “I knew you would.”
He chuckled, and she felt the rumbling sound beneath her cheek.
“Then you knew more than I did,” he said.
“You should always bear that in mind,” Laura countered, striving desperately for a light, teasing note.
“Laura—” he tightened his hold on her as if expecting her to dart away from him “—there’s something else. Something I want to talk to you about.”
Panic opened up inside her. The darkness seemed to creep closer, threatening to swallow her. She couldn’t let him talk. The serious tone of his voice warned her that whatever it was he wanted to say...she couldn’t allow herself to hear it.
She lifted her head and looked up at him. His gaze, soft and warm, was locked on her. “Not tonight,” she whispered, and she heard the plea in her voice. “No more talking tonight.”
“But...” He lifted one hand and smoothed her hair back from her face.
“Please,” she whispered, turning into his touch and dropping a quick kiss in the center of his palm. Sliding up over him, Laura bent her head to kiss him, giving him everything she could.
Everything she dared risk.
Jeff rolled over, flipping her onto her back. His hands glided over her skin as he traced her curves with questing fingers. The magic that lay between them burst into glorious life, splintering the darkness with brilliant shards of color and light
Staring down into her liquid brown eyes, he at last realized the depth of the love he felt for her. It both terrified and amazed him.
He wasn’t sure when it had happened, not that it made a difference. All that mattered was that he had actually been granted something that he had long since decided would never be his.
Passion, desire, love, swept through his bloodstream, carrying him to a place just short of madness. He wanted to say the words out loud and savor the taste of them. And he wanted to make her admit to loving him, too. He knew she did. He felt it every time she touched him. He heard it in her voice and sensed it in her caresses.
But as he continued to look into those incredible eyes of hers, he reluctantly accepted the fact that she clearly wasn’t ready. Hadn’t she hidden from him for days after the first time they’d made love? For what reason if not to hide from the depth of her emotions?
He would have to wait. Wait until she was as sure of this new love as he was.
Disappointment was relieved by the knowledge that he had until the end of summer to convince her.
He wouldn’t lose her.
Not now. Not after finally realizing what he had found with her.
Laura lifted one hand and pulled his head down to hers. Thoughts and plans for the future dissolved as he gave himself over to the present and the joy of loving her.
In an effort to keep her sanity and quiet her mind, the next morning, Laura went shopping. She had Miranda dressed, in her stroller and out the front door early enough to be on the spot when the stores opened.
It wasn’t that she needed or even wanted anything in particular. But she knew she couldn’t sit in that apartment all day with nothing but an infant and her own thoughts for company.
She needed open spaces. She needed to feel the wind in her face. She needed to walk off some of the nervous energy that had been pumping through her body since the night before.
Since she had overheard Jeff’s plans for the future and realized that she couldn’t be a part of them.
Instantly, she recalled the determined look on his face when he had come back to bed. Every instinct she possessed had screamed at her that he was about to make a proposal. A proposal she would have had to reject. She couldn’t risk love again. The pain of loss cut too deep. Thankfully, she had managed to keep him from saying the words that would have ended their time together. For now.
Her fingers curled around the stroller handle, squeezing it tightly. Laura wasn’t sure just how much longer she could bear to stay, pretending to be a member of this little family. She would never be able to last out the summer though; that much she was sure of.
The sleepy coastal town was small, with more touristy stores than general merchandise, but Laura hardly noticed. She and Miranda browsed through craft stores, card shops and in a baby boutique, Laura purchased a sweet romper and sun bonnet for Miranda. Afterward, they stopped at a coffee house for a welldeserved break of formula and lattes.
Finally, window shopping on their way back to the apartment, Laura stopped dead in front of a small ladies’ clothing store.
Sunshine sparkled on the clean glass and danced across the scrolled letters spelling out Francine’s Finery. But Laura wasn’t admiring the well-clothed mannequin in the window or trying to see past the glare into the shop.
Instead, her attention was caught by her own reflection. She tightened her grip on the stroller handle reflexively as she studied the woman she had become.
Somehow, she’d never actually paid much attention before now. The woman in the glass looked at least ten years older than thirty. Hair in an untidy ponytail, figure hidden beneath a baggy yellow tunic top and a calf-length full skirt that ballooned around her in the breeze. Even her shoes looked matronly. Sensible lo
afers, no stockings.
Lifting her gaze back up to meet her reflected eyes, she stared at a woman who suddenly seemed like a stranger.
“What have you done to yourself?” she whispered, and lifted one hand to smooth back a wild strand of hair, plucked free by the wind.
She used to be cute.
Okay, maybe not cute. But interesting looking, certainly. What had happened? Even as her mind posed the question though, she knew the answer.
Bill’s death had happened.
Laura lifted one hand from the stroller and plucked at her too large shirt. Teeth worrying her bottom lip, she admitted that right after Bill’s accident, she had gone into hiding. Oh, she hadn’t locked herself away in a tower somewhere. It might have been healthier if she had. At least then she would have been forced to go out once in a while, if only for food.
But no. She’d built a tower around herself. She’d hidden away behind baggy clothes and messy hair. Hiding from the pain of loving and then losing someone, she had also been hiding from the world. She had thought that by dressing like a ragpicker and avoiding makeup and a decent hairstyle, she would be able to keep any man from becoming interested. She hadn’t wanted to risk feeling again. Loving again.
“The joke’s on you,” she told the woman in the glass. “It didn’t work.”
Jeff had seen through the frumpy exterior she offered the world, to the woman she really was. Somehow, he had touched her soul despite the safeguards she had erected so carefully.
Now the sad clothing she wore didn’t represent anything but bad taste.
Although she couldn’t allow herself to be in love again, there was no longer any reason to hide behind ill-fitting clothes.
“Well,” she said thoughtfully, with a glance at the baby in the stroller, “since frumpery didn’t help anyway, why don’t we go inside and see if we can find something that suits me better?”
Miranda kicked her feet and squirmed excitedly.
“You’re right,” Laura said, determinedly steering the stroller toward the front door. “I believe it’s time for the real me to rejoin the world. A little bit at a time.”
The Non-Commissioned Baby Page 11
