Love, Laura.
“‘Love, Laura’?” he asked aloud. “How the hell could she sign a goodbye note ‘Love, Laura’?”
And “Please understand”? Understand what? That she had no guts?
Glancing down at the note in his hand, Jeff slowly, thoroughly crumpled it into a ball. “It’s not that easy, Laura,” he said, fury rising up like bile to choke him. “If you’re going to leave me, you’re going to have to say it to my face.”
Still grumbling, he headed for the phone. Quickly, he dialed Peggy’s number. His sister would know where he could find Laura.
On the fifth ring, she answered, clearly out of breath.
“Peggy, it’s me,” he said shortly.
“Thought I’d be hearing from you,” she countered.
“Why?” he asked. “Have you talked to Laura?”
“Yeah. A couple of hours ago.”
“She left me, Peg.” Lord, those words hit him hard.
Peggy sighed heavily. “I know. I told her I thought it was a mistake.”
Jeff pushed one hand across the top of his head and glanced at the crushed roses and daisies lying on his couch. “Why is she doing this?”
“I guess she has her reasons,” Peggy evaded nicely.
“Like what?” he demanded, anger pulsing in him. “What could possibly be a good enough reason for her to run away like some damn teenager?”
“Here’s a thought,” she snapped. “Why don’t the two of you talk to each other and stop using me as an interpreter?”
He inhaled sharply. She was right. Any answers he got, he wanted directly from Laura. Damn it, he deserved that much.
“That’s why I called you. I need her address.”
“Good,” Peggy said quickly. “I thought maybe you were going to let her go.”
“Not a chance,” he whispered, more as a promise to himself than to his sister.
“Got a pencil?” she asked.
He rummaged around for one, then said, “Shoot.” After writing down the address, he tore the sheet of paper off the pad and stuffed it into his pocket. “Do you think you could watch Miranda for me while I talk to her?”
“I’d love it,” she said, then louder, “Teddy! Put Whiskers down! Cats aren’t supposed to fly!”
“I’ll call before I come,” he said, and then warned, “And while she’s there, keep that kid away from my baby.”
“Yeah, yeah. Gotta go,” Peggy said, and hung up.
Jeff replaced the receiver and stared blankly into space. It would take him a few days to wrap up some outstanding projects on the base and then to arrange for leave. But by the end of the week, he’d be looking Laura square in the eye, daring her to deny she loved him.
Laura let herself into her apartment and was greeted by voices from the radio she’d left playing while she went to the grocery store. An old song from the sixties streamed into the painfully neat room. She’d unpacked and put all her suitcases away four days ago. Her weary gaze slid around the place she’d called home for eight years. Overstuffed furniture, rag rugs on highly polished wood floors and white lacy curtains fluttering in the breeze drifting under the partially opened windows.
The place used to give her such pleasure. She’d thought it cozy. Homey. Now it just seemed empty. And lonesome. What she wouldn’t have given to spy a pacifier lying on the floor. Or that silly pink bunny.
Tears filmed her eyes, and she wiped them away with the back of her hand. She had already cried oceans of tears and found no release from the pain that hammered at her day and night.
She missed him. She missed him so badly it was a constant ache that throbbed in time with her broken heart. Her only consolation was that this pain was nothing compared to what she might have suffered if she had dared to stay and then lost him.
Slowly, she walked across the room to the kitchen. As she unpacked her grocery bag, she gulped back tears again. No formula. No diapers. Single-serving meals.
And tampons.
Laura’s hand dropped to her belly. There was no child nestled there. The proof had arrived only that morning. She should have been relieved, she knew. But strangely enough, she wasn’t. Now, not only was she going to have to live without Jeff, but she had also lost her only chance at a family. Children.
She was alone.
Jeff checked the paper in his hand, then marched down the long hallway to the door at the end. He stopped outside her apartment and stared at the closed door in front of him.
Four days without her, and it felt like a damn eternity. What made her think she could just pick up and walk away without a backward glance?
Anger pulsed through him. Damn it, she loved him. He knew it. He lifted one hand to knock, then paused, anxiety suddenly wiping away the fury he’d lived with for the past four days.
What would he do if she refused to come back with him?
Jeff’s jaw tightened. He bit down on his teeth hard enough to crack them. And with worry still battling hurt and anger, he pounded on her door.
“Who is it?” she called.
He closed his eyes at the sound of her voice. Pain and hunger rose up inside him. It felt like centuries since he’d last seen her. Heard her. Held her.
Breathing deeply, he opened his eyes again and tried to mentally prepare for the fight of his life.
“Laura?” he said in his loudest, made-to-be-heard Marine Corps voice. “It’s Jeff. Open this door.”
There was a long pause, then she said, “Go away.”
“I’m not going anywhere until I say what I came to say,” he yelled. Absently, he heard a couple of doors down the hall open up. He glanced to one side quickly and noticed two or three people peeking out of their apartments. He ignored them. “Do you want me to shout it out for everyone to hear? Or are you going to open up?”
He waited what felt like forever, then he saw the doorknob turn. She opened the door and stepped onto the threshold as if her slight body could keep him out.
She looked miserable, and he felt a quick zap of hope blast through him. Purple half circles smudged the flesh beneath her eyes, and her face was pale, giving stark contrast to those shadows. The meadow green, sleeveless summer dress she wore made her skin look even creamier than he remembered.
Jeff’s heart staggered painfully. His arms had ached to hold her, and now, suddenly, there she was. Instinctively, he grabbed her, pulled her tightly to him and took her mouth with his. The kiss was long, and hard and deep. Vaguely, he heard her groan and thought he felt her hands slide up his arms before she let them fall to her sides again.
He tasted her tears and inhaled the soft, sweet scent of her, dragging it into his lungs like a drowning man coming up for air for the last time.
Finally, he broke the kiss and released her. She stumbled backward, lifting one hand to cover her kissbruised lips.
“You scared the hell out of me,” he told her grimly. “Don’t ever disappear like that again.”
“I left you a note,” she countered, but her voice sounded high and tight.
“Damn your note,” he snapped. “And damn you for making me love you and then leaving.”
She blanched, her skin going another shade paler. Nervously, she bent forward, saw the interested faces of their audience and straightened up again. Stepping back into the apartment, she said, “Come inside. Where it’s private.”
His blood boiling, Jeff marched past her and strode across the room like he was crossing a parade ground. When he reached the opposite wall, he turned around.
As she closed the door and faced him, she asked, “Where’s the baby?”
“Do you care?” he nearly shouted.
“Of course I care,” she said, and rubbed her eyes with the backs of her hands.
He took a deep breath and exhaled loudly. “She’s with Peggy. I didn’t want any interruptions to our ‘talk.’”
She nodded stiffly and wrapped her arms around her waist as if for support.
“I would have been here sooner,” h
e told her, “but I have responsibilities. I can’t just take off anytime I feel like it.”
She blinked, but had no defense.
He waited. One minute. Two. When it became obvious that she wasn’t going to start the ball rolling, Jeff growled out one word. “Why?”
She swallowed heavily and avoided his gaze.
“You owe me that much at least,” he snarled. “Why the hell did you leave? I asked you to marry me, damn it.”
“I know,” she shouted, and squeezed her middle more tightly. “That’s why I left”
He snorted a choked laugh and shook his head. “A simple no would have been enough.”
“Would it?” she snapped, taking two hasty steps toward him before stopping short. “Would you really have accepted my refusal?”
He didn’t even have to think about that one. “Probably not,” he conceded. “But we could have talked about it.”
“Talking won’t change anything.”
“Neither did running away,” he said, and had the satisfaction of seeing her flinch from the direct hit.
“Tell me why you’re doing this, Laura.” Desperately trying to control the wild swirl of emotions churning through him, he struggled to keep his voice even. “Tell me why you’re willing to throw us away.”
She looked at him then. Her eyes were so pain filled, it hurt him to look at them. He steeled himself against the pang of sympathy he felt for her. Sympathy wouldn’t win the day. Only honesty could bridge the gap that had leaped up between them.
A long silent moment ticked past. Finally, though, she shouted, “Because I can’t go through this again.”
“What?” he demanded.
As if she’d reached her breaking point, the words burst from her lips in a torrent. She told him more about Bill, about his death two weeks before their wedding. About the pain she’d lived with and finally conquered. And about her fear.
“Don’t you understand?” she cried, “I love you more than I have ever loved anyone in my life! If I lost you like I did Bill, this time the pain would kill me.”
“You want guarantees?” he asked.
“Yes, damn it. Promise me. No, swear to me here and now that you won’t die. That if we get married we’ll live forever!”
“I can’t do that.”
“Then I can’t marry you.”
“You’re punishing me because Bill died?” Unbelievable.
“I’m not punishing you.”
“What is this, then?”
“Self-protection.”
“Bull.”
“What?” She looked at him like he was speaking some weird foreign language.
“I said that’s a load of garbage.” Damn it, he wouldn’t lose her to a fear that he had no way of easing. “You’re just hiding, Laura. Trying to dig a big enough hole to disappear into.”
“You don’t know what I went through—” she started to explain.
He cut her off, jumping with both feet into the most important battle of his life. “Another lie.” Throwing his hands wide, he shouted right back at her. “I know all about death. I’ve seen it. Up close and personal. And I know that the most important thing death can teach us is to live. Live every moment like it’s your last. Squeeze every last damn drop you can out of life. Enjoy every minute for the gift it is.”
“You don’t understand.”
“Yes, I do,” he countered. “You’re so busy trying not to die, you’ve forgotten how to live.”
She reacted as though he’d slapped her. Drawing her head back, she stared at him through watery eyes.
“I’m not afraid to die,” she whispered, her hands at her throat as if choking the words out. “I just don’t want to watch you die.”
“You’d rather watch me walk out of your life?”
“Yes! Do it now. Please.”
Laura moved back a pace, keeping the distance between them. It was safer that way.
“Trying to hide didn’t help, did it?” he demanded. “You didn’t want to love me. Or Miranda. But you do.”
She looked into those blue eyes of his and couldn’t deny the truth. “All right, yes. I do love you. Both of you. But I can’t let that love make my choices for me. I won’t set myself up for mat kind of pain again.”
“You’re crying now,” he countered.
Laura lifted one hand to brush across her cheeks.
“What pain have you managed to avoid by leaving me?”
She sniffed and tried to focus on him through the film of water flooding her eyes. “This grief will pass,” she told him brokenly. Laura prayed she was right. “But if we become a family and something should happen to you and Miranda ...” She shook her head sorrowfully. “That kind of agony would kill me.”
Jeff groaned, a tortured sound that erupted from his chest. Closing the space between them, he grabbed her upper arms and gave her a shake. Glaring down into her eyes, he said harshly, “I can’t believe you’re willing to toss aside something I never thought I’d have.”
Her head fell back on her neck. She felt the tension rolling off of him in waves.
“Damn it, Laura, I love you. Don’t you see what a miracle that is?” He sucked in a gulp of air, held it a moment, then blew it out again, clearly struggling for calm. “Yeah, love is risky. It makes life messy and frightening. Hell, I don’t know what will happen tomorrow.” His gaze bored into hers, and Laura wept harder at the desperate love she read in his eyes. “I can’t give you a guarantee, Laura. I can only tell you that living without love makes for a cold, lonely existence. I know,” he said, more softly now.
His hands moved to cup her face. His thumbs brushed her fresh tears away, and she felt the heat of his tenderness reach into the dark corners of her soul and warm them.
“I know what life is without you,” he said, “and I don’t want to go back to that. I want to love you. I want to make babies with you.”
Her hand lifted to cover her abdomen.
“Laura?” he asked suddenly. “Are you...?”
“No,” she admitted, and felt the emptiness inside threaten to swallow her whole.
He actually looked disappointed, she thought, and when he spoke, he confirmed it.
“I’m sorry. I had been hoping.” He shook his head again. “Laura, come with me. Build a family with me.”
Jeff. A family.
It was what she had always wanted. Everything inside her screamed at her to throw her fears aside and say yes.
“If only,” she whispered, “if only I knew everything would be all right this time...”
Jeff bent down and dusted a kiss on her forehead. Love for her filled him so completely that he thought he might burst with it. “Ah, sweetheart,” he said tenderly, “I can’t promise you that. No one can. The only guarantee I can give you is that I will love you forever.” He smoothed her hair back from her face, keeping his gaze locked with hers. “That’s all I can say. Our lives are in your hands, Laura.”
More scared than he’d ever been on the battlefield, Jeff held his breath and watched her as she looked around her small, quiet apartment.
Laura forced a calming breath into her lungs. Jeff’s hands on her face sent ribbons of warmth trailing through her body. Silently, she acknowledged that this was the first time she hadn’t been deathly cold since she ran away from him and Miranda. Since she had turned her back on the gift of love. These days without Jeff had been empty. As empty as her life would be if she continued to live scared.
The fear of losing him would probably never disappear completely, she knew. And the prospect of pain was a terrifying one. But, she realized as she turned her gaze back to the face of the man she loved, the reality of living without Jeff Ryan in her life was much more terrifying.
Slowly, she reached up and covered his hands with hers. When she spoke, her voice was hushed. “Eight years ago, I thought my life was over.”
He took a breath and held it. Worry lines deepened at the corners of his eyes.
“But it wasn’t, J
eff,” she said, turning her face into his palm to kiss it. “It’s just beginning.” She paused and looked into his eyes before saying tenderly, “You are the love of my life. Will you marry me?”
“Yes.” A slow, relieved smile curved his lips as he exhaled on a sigh. “I don’t mind saying, you had me scared for a while.”
“Me, too,” she admitted, and moved into his embrace. His arms closed around her, and it felt like a homecoming.
They held on to each other for several minutes, just savoring the joy of being together again.
“Remember,” he asked suddenly, “when I told you that I wanted to be the youngest general in the corps?”
She nodded against his chest. His arms tightened protectively around her.
“I’ve decided to go after a better promotion.”
Laura tilted her head back to look at him. “What?”
“To be the best damn husband and father you ever saw.”
“You’ve got my vote, Marine,” she said, and went up on her toes to meet his kiss.
ISBN : 978-1-4592-6520-2
THE NON-COMMISSIONED BABY
Copyright © 1998 by Maureen Child
All rights reserved Except for use in any review, the reproduction or utilization of this work in whole or m part in any form by any electronic, mechanical or other means, now known or hereafter invented, including xerography, photocopying and recording, or in any information storage or retrieval system, is forbidden without the written permission of the editorial office, Silhouette Books. 300 East 42nd Street, New York, NY 10017 U S.A
All characters in this book have no existence outside the imagination of the author and have no relation whatsoever to anyone bearing the same name or names. They are not even distantly inspired by any individual known or unknown to the author, and all incidents are pure Invention
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The Non-Commissioned Baby Page 14
