I was sure that whatever she made tonight was good, but just like how I didn’t have an appetite earlier at my mom’s, I still didn’t have one now. I grabbed the water and headed up the stairs. The first room that I headed to was Jaden’s since his room was closest the stairs. I laughed to myself when I saw that he and Jada were lying in his bed together, and they were both sleeping. Sometimes, I think the two of them believe that they’re still in the womb together.
I walked fully into the room to turn the television off, and I kissed both of their little foreheads before I exited. The next bedroom that I went into was Journey’s. Before I could even walk into the room, I heard light sniffles coming from the other side of the door. A small part of me wanted to pretend that I didn’t even hear her possibly crying, but my father side quickly kicked in, and I had to find out what was going on with my baby girl. Journey was a teenager now, and I felt like as a man, it was hard as hell having to address certain situations with her, which is why my wife was usually the one who handled these types of things.
I slowly opened the door and flicked the light switch on. Her face was red and puffy from crying, and her eyes were bloodshot red. The moment our eyes landed on each other, she pulled the covers over her head, trying to cover her face, but it was too late. I had already witnessed that she was in there crying.
“Daddy, get out, please! I don’t want you to see me crying,” she said, and I could hear her breaking down under the covers.
I walked closer to her bed and took a seat. For a few minutes, I just sat there and listened to her get it out of her system. Once I saw that she’d calmed down a little bit, I removed the covers from her face. As if she was a little girl again, I pulled her into me, wrapping my arms around her, and she placed her head on my chest. No matter how grown Journey thought she was, she needed to know that she would always be my baby. Hell, she was my first child, so when it came to her, there was always a much softer spot than when it came to the twins, although I loved all of my children equally.
“You know that whatever is bothering you, you can talk to me. I know that you’ll probably be more comfortable talking to Shrimp about certain things, but remember that you have me too, alright?” I asked her, and I could feel her nodding her head up and down on my chest.
“I know, Daddy. I’m just cramping, and my head started hurting from all that crying I was doing. I just need to get some sleep, but I’ll be alright,” she let me know.
I knew that she was lying, but I didn’t bother to press her on the issue. She wasn’t crying like she was dealing with cramps. Her cries seemed so hurt and similar to the way I often heard Takari cry, but I could be wrong. I stayed in the room with her for a little while longer, and before I left, I made sure to kiss her forehead, and then I was out the door.
The room next door to Journey’s was the guest bedroom that my wife had been sleeping in. The door was cracked, and I could hear the television playing. I walked in slowly and found her lying in the middle of the bed with her head propped up on her hand as she watched whatever was on the television screen. I knew she felt my presence in the room, but she didn’t even bother to look at me.
If you asked me, I felt like she’s taken this shit way out of proportion. Takari talked to me crazy just about every chance she got, but the moment I said some shit, all bets were off and she stopped sleeping in the same bed as me. Granted, I didn’t even mean the shit like that. How many times did I have to say that I was never trying to imply that she pinned the twins on me? All I was trying to fuckin’ say was that we shouldn’t put all of our hopes into a fuckin’ pill that we know for a fact doesn’t always do its job. If it did, twins wouldn’t have been here or at least they wouldn’t have gotten here so soon. For the life of me, I couldn’t see the harm in that.
“How long we supposed to keep this shit up?” I asked right after I took the remote from the bed and turned the TV off.
I knew my wife like the back of my hand. Therefore, I knew that had I talked to her while the TV was on, she would have ignored my ass or pretended like she didn’t hear me. That was the type of petty shit that her ass loved to do. I flicked the lamp on that was closest to me because I wanted to better see her face. After I turned the TV off, it was pitch black in the room, and for this conversation that was getting ready to happen, we needed to be able to look into each other’s eyes just to see if there was any type of love left for each other. I knew for a fact that I loved my wife, but I couldn’t speak for her.
“What exactly is it that we’re keeping up? I’m doing what you want me to do, Jerrod. You want me to be the wife who doesn’t call you while you’re at work, doesn’t ask you what time you’re coming home, or anything like that. All I’m doing is the things that you want. If you’re inquiring on why I’m sleeping in a whole different bedroom, I won’t dare answer that question because you know why! I’m not going to allow you to continue talking to me like you’re crazy. To even put shit out into the atmosphere like I pinned the twins on you, I just can’t look at you the same after that. Truthfully, that sounds like some shit that your mom put into your head,” she went on to say as she rolled her eyes.
I ran my hand down my face and pulled on my beard in the process because, for the first time since I’ve been with my wife, I felt the sudden urge to grab her little ass up from this bed and shake the shit out of her. I was a grown ass man, and I didn’t like the fact that she was trying to insinuate that I couldn’t think for myself. My mom didn’t have shit to do with what I said to Takari. That was all me.
“Unlike you, I don’t discuss everything with my mama that happens in this marriage because certain shit isn’t meant to be shared. You tell your mama every fuckin’ thing that happens in this marriage. While you’re at it, make sure you tell her the full thing and don’t leave pieces out. Tell her how you can’t even keep your fuckin’ house in order. Our thirteen-year-old daughter is in her bedroom crying, but I bet you didn’t know that because you’re too busy beefing with me to even realize what the fuck is going on around you!
“What type of wife are you, Takari? It’s going on three weeks that you’ve been sleeping in this fuckin’ room! Any other man would have left your ass already! Fuck is wrong with you?” I asked, looking down at her.
My voice was so loud that there was no doubt in my mind that I had awakened the kids. I usually tried not to argue with Takari like this, especially while I had my kids in the house, but her nonchalant ass attitude was slowly pissing me the fuck off!
“Jerrod, fuck you! Seriously, fuck you! What do you mean I don’t have my house in order? The only thing about this fuckin’ house that isn’t in order is you and me! There isn’t a thing that you can tell me about my fuckin’ kids that I don’t already know because I make sure that I stay on top of that at all fuckin’ times! All three of them completed their homework, they each read for an hour tonight, and I’m scheduled to attend a parent-teacher conference tomorrow for Jada and Jerrod. What the fuck have you done?
“I’m sleeping right next door to Journey. You don’t think I know that her ass was in there crying? Before you came into the house, she came in the room asking for her phone back, and I told her no! That’s why her ass is in there crying! Jerrod, you can leave me, nigga! I have no gun to your head telling you to stay with me. Go ’head,” she had the nerve to say.
All I could do was shake my head with a sly smirk on my face.
“Best believe something, beautiful. If I ever get tired of this shit and feel like I can’t do it anymore, it won’t be me walking out of this beautiful house. It’ll be your ass! I own this shit, and anything that you think you own, I own that too! Always remember that,” I let her know, and she quickly shut the fuck up.
After I said my peace, I walked out of the room, leaving the door wide open. I was trying to make this shit work, but I was slowly starting to feel like this shit was probably done years ago, and we just didn’t even notice it.
7
Za’Kai “Bully�
� Kemp
There she was! Easily the most beautiful woman that I’ve ever laid eyes on, and she was walking toward me. Even now, at thirty-five years old, I still looked at her with the same gleam in my eyes, that I did when I was a little boy. She was beautiful, and despite her lifestyle, she still managed to keep a smile on her face.
Yes, I’ve been to juvie, jail, and prison a few times, but I never stayed in either of them for more than three years. My ole girl had at least another twenty years left in this bitch but was smiling like she was getting out of this hellhole tomorrow. Like myself, my ole girl had caramel, golden skin. In fact, she was like the female, older version of me because everyone said that we looked alike. The good hair that I had, I got it from her because my mother’s mother was an Indian woman with a mixture of black in her. One would look at my mother and be able to tell that she was mixed with something, but I don’t think that a lot of people’s first choice would be Indian.
Being in prison for all these years had caused her hair to grow even more. Right now, she had it slicked back into a neat ponytail that went way past the middle of her back. She had those same, big brown eyes as I did, and when she walked, she held onto a certain type of confidence that she’d given me as well. My ole girl knew she was the shit as she walked over to me in the gray sweats and gray shirt that all the inmates had to wear. White sneakers were on her feet.
When she was inches away from me, she quickly walked into my arms, and I hugged her like I hadn’t hugged her ass in years. The guard that was on duty today for visitation, I used to sell weed to him years ago, so he let us have our little moment without blowing that fuckin’ whistle and telling us that we couldn’t touch. Although I was her son and she was the parent, I towered over her body, kissing her forehead and letting her know that I loved her.
If anyone knew me, you knew that a nigga was miles away from being in the same category as vulnerable. The only time I ever showed a soft side is when it came to my kids and my ole girl. I wasn’t even vulnerable with my baby mama when we were a thing. My baby mama, Breshay, was probably the only woman outside of family that I actually loved, but I never told her that shit. Growing up in this hard, fucked up world, I felt like it turned my feelings cold. A nigga like me was too afraid to let his guard down because I felt like the minute I did, a motha fucka would try to take advantage of my kindness.
Breshay and I didn’t work out for plenty of reasons. Reasons that I know for a fact I played my part in too. Toward the end of our relationship, we really just became two people who were in the business together. I would use her to cook up the dope, and that feeling alone was better than sex. Who knows if I would ever find that girl to break down these walls, but so far, the only person that has been able to turn me soft just for a few minutes is my daughter. That’s it.
“Look at you, Bully! My son is so handsome. I know the bitches are on you like some little leaches. Mannn, if I was out, I would have had a good time turning them bitches away,” my ole girl let me know, making me laugh.
She was easily one of the funniest people I knew. She complimented me on my looks every time she saw me and said the same thing about these bitches each time too.
“You know me, ma, I’m not worried about these bitches. I’m focusing on my kids and trying to save up enough money to open this barbershop,” I said, taking a seat on the bench, and she did the same.
We were sitting at a circular table facing each other. She grabbed my hands and placed them in hers. I could tell that she was about to get serious because all of a sudden, I saw the sadness in her face and the way her eyes had begun to water a little bit. My ole girl used to be married to one of the hardest, trillest niggas in Miami, and being with someone like my ole boy had turned her hard. Meaning, she wasn’t emotional like most women. Even when I was a little boy, and my grandma would bring me down here to see her, she wouldn’t break down and cry when visitation was over like the majority of the women did. Hell, maybe she did that shit when she got back to her bunk, but she never shed tears in front of me, so to see her now, looking like she was on the verge of breaking down was different for me.
“I know that I tell you this all the time, but I’m proud of you, son. Most parents would hope for their kids to grow up and be like them, but I’m glad that you aren’t shit like your father and me. Although you tried, I think you quickly realized that that lifestyle just wasn’t for you. Coming in here and telling me that you’re doing what you have to do so that you can open up your shop is like music to my ears because you could come in here and tell me something like you are the biggest kingpin out in Miami. That would instantly break me because I know what comes with that lifestyle. This is what happens when you choose to live this life. The most exciting thing that happens to me behind these walls is when I get pictures from you and the kids, letters, or these visitations. Don’t let these things be the only type of excitement that you get,” she said then raised my hand and kissed the back of it.
“I hear you, Ma. Trust me, I’m good. You don’t have to worry about a nigga running the streets. I’m thirty-five years old with two damn kids that I need to be there for. I got a little son who wants to be just like me, and when it comes to my daughter, I got to treat her right and show her some respect, so she never has to get with one of these little niggas and have him dogging her out. I’m busting my ass out here, Ma. Like I been telling you since I was a little boy, I swear I’m going to have a fuckin’ palace waiting for you and Pops when y’all get out. Y’all deserve that shit. Alright?” I asked her.
Those tears that she had been keeping at bay finally escaped from her eyes as she nodded her head up and down. It hurt me to see my ole girl like this, but I wouldn’t dare cry behind this shit. Crying wasn’t going to make that judge double back on his sentence and release her today, so I didn’t see the need in dropping any tears, although my heart was broken behind this shit. This lady was everything to me and more, and I wasn’t supposed to be coming to see her like this.
It’s Saturday afternoon. I’m supposed to be popping up on her and my ole boy at their house, raging through their refrigerator and shit, seeing what they had to eat or drink. Just the thought of that being my reality caused a small smile to form on my face. We sat there for a few minutes, not saying anything to each other until she finally spoke up.
“So, what’s new in your life? When I ask that, I’m talking about a woman, Za’Kai! You keep letting me know that you’re thirty-five, but when are you going to finally settle down like most people your age. What’s your type, son? Maybe I can hook you up with one of my friends’ daughters on the outside world with you,” she offered, and I laughed while shaking my head.
“I’m good, Ma. I’m not looking for a woman right now. It’s going to take a strong ass woman to be able to deal with me, though. Most women can’t handle my ass, which is why I feel like it’s better that I just stay single. Also, the way women are so protective when it comes to their kids, I’m the same damn way. I don’t want just anyone around my kids like that. Not only do I have to fuck with them, but I’m going to need my kids to fuck with whoever I decide to bring around because ultimately, their opinion matters most. I’m chilling, though. I’ll fuck a little something here and there, but nothing serious,” I said, and she shook her head while rolling her eyes at the same time.
“God, you sound just like your father! You just make sure that when you're out here fuckin’ a little something, that you strap up! Fuck around, and your damn dick falls off!” she said, dead ass serious.
I couldn’t do shit but laugh. The harshness and serious in her voice could only mean that this was coming from a place of experience. It was no secret that my ole boy used to fuck around on my ole girl, and that was where all this animosity was coming from right now in her voice. For the next thirty minutes, we talked about all types of shit.
I always felt like these visitations went by too damn fast. Since a little boy, the hardest part was always when she turned her back to go
her way, and I turned to go mine. I never stayed around to watch her join the line with the rest of the inmates right before they went through those double doors to go back to their cells because that was just some shit that my heart couldn’t physically take. It felt like we were in court, and I was listening to the judge sentence her, so I chose not to stick around for it.
I was back in my car, and the clock on the screen read 3:06 P.M. My ole girl was in the Tallahassee prison, and I could easily book a room at a hotel and just jump back on the road in the morning, but I promised the kids that I would take them to the zoo tomorrow morning. I wasn’t looking forward to this seven-hour drive because I’d just done it this morning, but here I was, stopping at a local gas station to fill up, piss, and grab some snacks and Backwoods for the trip.
I had a whole fuckin’ concert going on in my car as I blasted Lil Wayne’s V album, used my right hand to handle the steering wheel, and my left to smoke from the perfectly rolled blunt that I’d pulled over on the road for a few minutes to roll up.
It was going on ten at night, and I was two exits away from getting off the highway. A nigga had to piss, and I wanted some real food in my life because I’d long ago finished the chips and candy that I’d purchased from the gas station hours ago. I knew that I was a fast driver, but some asshole was behind me driving faster than I was. If I slammed on my brakes at any second, there was no doubt that they would slam into the back of my car. Obviously, whoever was in that car was in some type of rush, so I kindly got the fuck out of their way, and they continued driving fast. Now, the person that they’d gotten behind was driving too slow, and they were right back behind me.
“Fuck is this stupid bitch driving all crazy for?” I asked out loud.
Love Me Page 9
