by Kennedy Fox
I gently grab her wrist and move her finger to place her palm against my racing heart. “You feel that?” I softly ask.
Lennon sucks in a deep breath, looking back and forth between our hands and my eyes. Swallowing, she nods.
“The moment I met you, I knew you were so damn special. In here.” I tap my finger against my chest. “I knew.” I shrug, keeping her close. “I wanted you that night and missed my chance to ask you out. But—” Just as I’m about to say that Brandon was the better guy for her, knowing he could give her everything she wanted, she pulls her hand back and walks around me, seething.
“You were awful to me!” she shouts, and I turn around to follow her. “You treated me like an inconvenience and purposely got under my skin every chance possible. You were the worst, Hunter, the biggest dickhead I’d ever met in my life, and I hated you for it!” She’s pissed, but I don’t blame her. I know I was all those things.
“Lennon, I know. I regret all of it, trust me. I’ve lived with the guilt of how I treated you for months,” I tell her, stepping closer, but she maintains her distance.
She snorts, exaggerating her disbelief. “And now you expect me to believe you always had a thing for me? After you brought home random chicks and the way you acted toward me? What do you want me to say? Yeah, we kissed. We had to share a bed. We were close and had to pretend to be married. It was all an act, and that’s all it ever can be.”
Her words are a slap in the face, considering there was no acting on my part, and I know she’s only lying to herself and me if she claims she was only acting too.
“I can’t help the way my body reacts to you when we kiss, Hunter. My body may say yes, but my head says no.”
Another slap.
“And what about your heart? What does your heart say, Lennon?” I challenge.
She looks at me, her bottom lip quivering. Maybe I’ve actually pushed her too far, but she’s not going down without a fight.
Lennon opens her mouth and closes it once again, then refuses to look at me. “All of this is so fucking wrong, I can’t even see straight. The bottom line is, telling me that you always had feelings for me is too much. I can barely understand it because you made me so damn miserable!” She’s screaming, her eyes wide with anger. I can only focus on the fact she’s avoiding what her heart is saying because she feels guilty about it. Her actions always speak louder than words.
I know this is confusing to hear because of the way I treated her in the past, how I wanted to rescue her after Brandon passed away, and especially now that I’m telling her how I truly feel.
I put my hands up, hoping she calms down so I can get out what I need to say. “Lennon, I know!” I’m just as heated as she is. “But can you think about my situation for two fucking seconds? For all these years, all I ever wanted was to forget about you. I didn’t want to have feelings for you once I knew you were with Brandon. I wanted you out of my goddamn head because it was poison to feel that way about my best friend’s girlfriend. But nothing I did helped. Not fucking random women. Not treating you like trash. Nothing. Me being an asshole, me pushing you away? That was me pretending, Lennon. I constantly lied to myself, hoping I’d get over whatever it was I felt, but nothing fucking worked,” I shout. “But these past few days with you”—I wave a finger back and forth between us—“was one hundred percent real for me. I know it’s fucked up, trust me, and I hate that I could never get over you. But think about this for a moment. Brandon was my best friend, and I loved him like a brother. No matter how I felt, I never wanted to do or say anything to jeopardize what you two had because I knew it was special. I could see how much you meant to him, so I sat on the sidelines, but it didn’t mean my feelings weren’t there. It just meant I had to choke on them every time I saw you with him.”
I expose my soul to her, letting the past two years of pent-up emotions release without thinking about the consequences. But that’s what happens when feelings are covered—they boil over, and someone gets burned.
Lennon paces in front of me, looking at the floor, and she’s sealed up so tight, it’s almost scary.
The tension and quietness scream at me. “Lennon. Can you say something? Please?” I plead. I know I just dropped a huge confession bomb on her, but I’m desperate for a response. Time slows down, and the silence kills me, but I’m not walking away from this or her. I’ll wait.
She finally looks at me with tears in her eyes, then shrugs. “What do you want me to say right now? I-I don’t know how to process this, Hunter. I’ve got a lot of things to work out in my head. I don’t have any words. Congratulations, you’ve left me speechless.” She waves her arms up in the air before slapping them down to her sides.
I can tell she’s upset with me, but this isn’t over yet. I’ve opened the door to this conversation, and now I’m walking through. There’s no turning back now that it’s all out there.
“I don’t know...anything! Admit that I’m not alone in feeling this way, tell me to fuck off, tell me it’s all one-sided. Just say something!” I’m no longer being rational, my feelings completely on the line as I beg for her to admit what I know is in her heart.
“I don’t know what to think! You changed overnight the day Brandon died, and now I’m just supposed to believe you had feelings for me all along? That our fake relationship was real to you? What am I supposed to say? That maybe I did feel something too, but—” Lennon stops herself as tears surface in her eyes.
“You don’t have to say it, Lennon,” I tell her when I see how hard she’s struggling with this realization. I know the guilt she feels because of Brandon. I feel it too. “But can you answer one question for me at least?” I ask, then continue when she looks up at me. “That night we met at the bar, I asked you to come back. Why didn’t you? I had planned to ask for your number and always wondered what scared you off. I could never figure out why you didn’t choose me because I would’ve bet my life that you felt the same chemistry I had. You can’t tell me it was all in my head.” I lay it all out there—my soul, my heart, my feelings. I’ve wondered for two years, and even if I won’t like her answer, at least I’ll know and can put it to rest.
With her head slightly tilted, her eyes finally meet mine. She looks confused as hell as if she’s staring at a stranger, but I see a flicker of something behind her eyes. Want? Need? Maybe I’m imagining it, but maybe I’m not.
“Hunter…” she says softly, her chest rising and falling rapidly.
“I wanna know, Lennon,” I tell her, holding my stance. I’m too far in to back out now.
“Okay, fine,” she responds, then swallows hard. “I watched you that night and contemplated going back to talk to you, but you were surrounded by beautiful women all fighting for your attention. I overheard one talking about how she had slept with you the weekend before. It was clear to me that you were a player, and I wasn’t looking for that. I figured I’d never see you again. I—”
“Lennon,” I cut her off, her words a dagger to my pounding heart. I’m a fucking idiot. “That was my lifestyle back then, there’s no denying that, but you were the only woman I saw that night,” I admit, my throat threatening to close up. “I felt it from the moment I met you.”
She sucks in a breath, and her shoulders rise and fall. “I wanted more than a weekend fling, and I knew you’d be a heartbreaker. You know my past, Hunter. You know how my ex hurt me. I felt like I could never satisfy someone like you, that I would never be enough. I didn’t want to compete for your attention. After listening to those women talk, I realized you were nothing more than a fuckboy with good looks to back it up. I couldn’t risk getting hurt again.”
Frowning, I step toward her, needing to close the gap between us. I brush my thumb over her cheek, feeling the softness against my skin and craving more. “I was, but trust me when I say things would’ve been different with you. I would’ve done anything to make you happy and treated you right. Since that night, you’ve been the only woman I’ve ever truly wanted
even when it was wrong.”
My words linger in the air as she looks up at me, her bottom lip pulled between her teeth. She has no reason to believe me after what I put her through, but everything I’ve said is one hundred percent honest and genuine. Whether or not she’ll believe me after everything we’ve been through is what has me holding my breath, anxiously waiting.
Lennon squeezes her eyes shut and barely shakes her head. “I’m sorry, Hunter.”
Chapter Ten
Lennon
When I look at Hunter, I feel as if my body’s on fire. He drops his hand, and as soon as I lose his touch, I miss it.
He’s felt like this since the beginning? All that time, he treated me like shit because he had feelings for me? My head spins from his confession and the way I haven’t allowed myself to admit my own feelings—the ones I’ve been avoiding.
You’ve been the only woman I’ve ever truly wanted.
“I’m sorry, Hunter.” I close my eyes a moment, and when I open them again, his head falls. “I’m still in love with Brandon, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be over him,” I admit. “This is a lot to take in right now.”
“I know,” he replies softly. “I shouldn’t have done that or pushed this conversation on you.”
Am I that surprised? Should I have seen the signs earlier? He took care of me right after Brandon died, refused to leave my side, and pretended to be my husband so my parents would accept the baby. How much of that was his loyalty to his best friend and how much of it was because of his unrequited feelings for me this whole time?
“You’ve never been in a serious relationship and say that you would’ve tried to make me happy and all that, but you have no idea what would’ve happened between us,” I tell him matter-of-factly. “How could you flip a switch just like that and left your bachelor days behind for me?” My heart is lodged in my throat, and I’m not sure it’s even beating anymore. I’m currently living in the twilight zone, and I’m almost tempted to pinch myself to make sure I’m not dreaming. My thoughts are all over the place, and I can’t think clearly as his words repeat in my ears.
“I might not be able to predict the future, but I would’ve done everything in my power to do things right with you. I wouldn’t have fucked up that chance. Things have always been different with you, and I can promise I’d never hurt you. But the moment I saw you with Brandon, that was it. I wasn’t going to interfere, but I never understood why you didn’t give me a chance, Lennon. Guess I shouldn’t be that surprised.” He wraps both hands around his head and squeezes the tension in his neck as if he’s blaming himself for why I didn’t return.
“I did feel something that night, Hunter,” I shyly admit. “We shared a moment and had a connection. It was evident as soon as I saw you.” I feel guilty even admitting this aloud, but he deserves to know. “And if I’m being honest, my insecurities got the best of me. Seeing those other women, hearing what they were saying about you, I knew I didn’t want anything to do with that. Then I met Brandon…”
“You don’t have to go on,” he tells me as if it’s painful to hear. “Brandon was the best guy I knew, and you two were perfect for each other. I wasn’t blind. I saw it.”
I swallow, holding back tears. God, why is this so hard? How is it possible to be torn between two men when one isn’t even here anymore?
Feeling like my legs might give out on me, I walk to the couch and sit.
Of course Hunter follows, but he sits on the opposite end, leaving space between us. He doesn’t take his eyes off me as I try to work through all of this. It’s almost too much to process on top of everything else that’s happened. I replay Utah in vivid detail; the things he said and the way he kissed me and continually swept me off my feet. I can almost hear my parents talk about how in love we looked and how it made them happy.
It all makes sense now because Hunter wasn’t pretending.
But was I? It was way too easy to fall into our roles.
In the past, I’d thought maybe he was upset because I stole his best friend. I had an inkling once when we ran into each other in the kitchen that first night that he was annoyed I went home with Brandon instead of him, but I’d convinced myself he just hated me for ruining his bachelor pad. Considering he’s had numerous women in his bed, I never thought he was still hung up on that night, or that the one moment we shared in the pitch-black bar mattered to him.
The bottom of my emotions are ready to fall out at any moment, but somehow, I keep it together as I stare at the blank television. Guilt bubbles inside me, and I feel like I might throw up, but I push it away. I rub my hands over my face, needing to be alone if only for ten minutes just to gain my composure.
“I’ll be right back.” I stand and head to the bathroom, swallowing down my dinner that’s begging to make a comeback. I turn on the faucet, suck in deep breaths, then splash cool water on my burning cheeks and neck. Each time he’s said he’d be there for me, there wasn’t a doubtful bone in my body. Deep down, I knew his words were sincere, and this is why. As my sisters said, we’re in a weird non-relationship relationship.
Just as Hunter asked, I force myself into his position and imagine having to watch the person I like not just be with someone else, but my best friend, every single day. And damn. It’s hard as hell. Avoiding Brandon’s and my relationship was impossible. I finally understand why he was such an asshole, especially when Brandon and I’d kiss or hug. Jealousy drove his actions, and it was easier to openly hate it because it must’ve hurt and affected him every time.
Living in this apartment with me had to be his own personal hell. Like a drug addict, Hunter couldn’t walk away, regardless of how bad being around us was for him. I shake my head, turning off the water, and wipe my face on a clean towel. Sucking in a deep breath and letting it out, I finally understand the past two years in a way I never have.
Between Jenna, lying to my parents, finding out Hunter can’t have kids, and learning how he really feels...this week has been strange and confusing as hell. I’m not sure I can take anything else on top of what I’ve already been through this year. It’s as if I’m being tested, and almost wonder how much more I can take before I finally break.
For some reason, I think about Sophie and Maddie, who made comments about us all along. I can already imagine the looks on their faces when I mention it and am not looking forward to all the “told you so’s” they’re going to throw my way. Though I’m stalling, I know I can’t stay camped out in the bathroom all night. It’s time to put on my big girl panties and face him and the feelings I can’t bring myself to accept.
I walk into the living room and find Hunter sitting on the couch watching Friends. It’s one of my favorite episodes when Ross walks in on Joey and Rachel kissing passionately. Immediately, I’m drawn in and sit too. Each time Ross says he’s fine in a high-pitched tone, when he’s obviously not fine, I find myself laughing. Hunter’s chuckling along with me, and it’s almost easy to pretend we’re the people we were before Utah, before his confessions, before any of it. I’m not sure we can ever go back to being just two friends.
Not anymore. Not after tonight.
The awkward tension presses on, and I know I’m being weird. Hunter ignores the way I’m acting and sits there as if he didn’t just admit the way he’s always felt about me.
As we start the next episode of Friends, I’m lost in my thoughts, falling into the deep abyss, and a sense of sadness so intense washes over me when I glance over at Hunter. Knowing he can’t have kids hurts my heart because I know without a doubt he’d be a damn good father, especially after how much he’s helped me. How many men actually want to read pregnancy books? Hunter learns every detail eagerly to make sure the baby and I are okay and taken care of.
Knowing this makes sense as to why he was so adamant about me trusting him, and while I did, I had doubts. I understand why he was so confident about Jenna’s baby not being his. Because it’s not. I saw the results of his test.
He’s alre
ady had to live a life where he was forced to sit on the sidelines and had to watch me and Brandon. Will the baby be a reminder that he can’t have kids? Will it be painful for him? My emotions lurch forward, taking over, and I try not to allow them to get the best of me, but I’m so sad for him.
“What’s wrong?” he asks when I wipe my cheek.
Damn tears, always slipping out of my eyes, especially when I don’t want them to.
I shake my head and dry them up. “Nothing at all.”
He tilts his head and smirks at me. “Really?”
Hiding anything from him is impossible, considering he sees everything. The man knows me better than I know myself most days. “I’m just really upset for you.”
His eyebrows squish together, and his smirk fades. “Why?”
“Because,” I whisper, turning my head away from him. Grabbing the remote, he pauses the TV and waits. There’s no getting out of this, so I just spill it.
“Because you want kids of your own, little mini-yous. And it makes me so fucking sad that I can barely explain how it makes me feel. You would make such a great dad.”
A small smile touches his lips, but his brown eyes pierce through me. “See, that’s the thing about you, Lennon. You care so much about other people and their situation, and it’s so goddamn beautiful. I came to terms with my reality of not being able to have children a long time ago. At first, I was upset, considering my chances were slim to nothing. It destroyed me for a while, and Hayden had to talk me off the ledge several times.”
My heart thumps harder and faster. “Is it reversible?”
I watch him swallow hard, words forming on the tip of his tongue, but he closes his mouth and doesn’t speak. For a second, I think he’s getting choked up about it too.
