by M. Robinson
I leaned back to take a look at her, making sure she was all right. My heart dropped and my smile faded, replaced with yet another image that would forever fucking haunt me. Silently praying, my mind was playing tricks on me.
Something…
Anything…
Other than what was actually happening.
FOURTEEN
*Creed*
“Doc!” I called out, instinctively reaching for Maddie. Placing her in my arms. “Doc! She’s turnin’ fuckin’ blue!”
He didn’t answer.
“Doc! Did you hear me?! Maddie is turnin’ fuckin’ blue!” I turned my head, prying my eyes off her, even though it was the last thing I wanted to do.
Doc’s face was as white as a ghost, staring down at Mia, wide-eyed. “FUCK!” he shouted out of nowhere.
It was the first time all night I had seen the look of pure panic on his face. My eyes immediately followed the path of his petrified expression, rendering me fucking speechless. There was blood pouring out from in between Mia’s legs again. Except this time, it wouldn’t fucking stop.
“She’s hemorrhaging, I need to get the placenta out! Now!”
“Doc, Maddie… what do I do? You take care of Mia! Just tell me what to do? What do I do with Maddie?!” I panicked, staring at him with pleading eyes.
My heart beat louder and louder with every second that passed. Trying to keep calm when all I really wanted to do was fucking lose my shit.
How could this be fucking happening? She was a good girl. They both were. They didn’t fucking deserve any of this, but here they were getting punished for who I was. For what I represented.
For what I am.
I looked back and forth between Mia and Maddie, torn between who needed me the most. Desperately trying to tune out the turmoil in my mind, feeling so fucking helpless with wanting to fall apart.
“Grab another blanket, and place Maddie on the table!”
I didn’t waver, gently laying her tiny frame down near the edge.
“I need you to grab the bulb syringe over here by me,” he instructed, while he worked on Mia. “It’s the blue thing you saw me use on her after I took her out. Squeeze the bulb, and insert it into her mouth to suction out any left over secretions. Do the same in her nose just like I did before. You need to clear her airways, fast!”
I grabbed the bulb, working on baby girl. Tears suddenly ran down my face, one right after the other, falling onto her lifeless body. “Come on, Maddie! Don’t do this, don’t do this to us!” I begged, my eyes blurring with nothing but fucking pain.
“Gentle, her bones are very fragile, you don’t wanna break anything!”
I nodded, continuing to do exactly what I was told.
“Is she breathin’?”
“No! Fuck, Doc! She’s turnin’ bluer!”
“Feel the cord, is it pulsing? Does it feel like a heartbeat?”
I frantically shook my head as he peered back at me. The expression on his face told me everything I didn’t want to fucking hear. I swear I could see him silently praying in the back of his mind like he knew the end was here.
“You need to start compressions! Hold her around her torso with your thumbs right in the middle of her chest. Support her head with your hands and start pressin’ down with your thumbs on her rib cage. Not too hard, but enough to apply pressure. We need to see if we can get her blood movin’.”
I nodded, my lips trembling.
“Creed! Do you understand me?”
“Yeah,” I breathed out, getting right to work. “One, two, three, four…” I huffed, pressing down on her. Counting to myself.
Nothing.
“Is she breathin’?”
“Fuck!” I tried again, a little harder this time. “Goddamn it! Don’t you do this to me! Don’t you fuckin’ do this to me!” I yelled, cursing fucking God.
“Place your mouth over her lips and her nose, and give her a few quick breaths. If her skin’s gotten colder, then use two fingers to give compressions this time!”
Seconds turned into minutes and minutes turned into hours, but I couldn’t just stop trying. I couldn’t just let her die. When everything in my body was telling me that it didn’t matter because this still wasn’t going to end well. We didn’t have the proper equipment. All we had was God. Hoping he’d be on my side for once in my sorry excuse of a fucking life.
Without thinking twice about it, I breathed into her tiny body, watching her chest heave from my air, but I felt nothing from her little nose. I don't know how much time went by, but I never stopped alternating breaths and compressions. Determined to get her little heart beating again. Not matter what.
Beep... Beep... Beep…
I instantly looked up when I heard the device that was taking Mia’s blood pressure go off. The numbers drastically started to drop to dangerous lows. The dinging echoed through my ears and right into my fucking heart.
“Doc…”
“FUCK! We’re losin’ her!”
“NO!”
I couldn’t breathe…
I couldn’t fucking breathe.
“I almost got her placenta out! It’s fuckin’ stuck! Her body is goin’ into shock!” I watched him move as fast as he could, from one thing to another. Using instrument after instrument to pinpoint the obstruction. Frantically trying to see through all the blood. “Need to get the bleeding under control or she’ll fuckin’ die!” He grabbed another two syringes and filled them with something I didn’t recognize, rapidly jabbing one into her open abdomen and the other into her arm. Ripping open the IV kit with his teeth, he prepped her vein next and started a line.
I stood there, fucking frozen in place. Strangled by nothing but fear, crippling me in ways I never believed possible. Unshed tears pooled in my eyes, looking back from Mia’s lax body, over to Maddie’s lifeless one. “Doc... please… Maddie… she’s still… not fuckin’ breathin’.”
He abruptly turned around, only looking at me. Like he had already given up on the baby girl who was still locked in my tight grasp. Peering deep into my eyes, he spoke with conviction, “It’s either Mia or Maddie! I can’t save both! Choose!”
I shut my eyes just for a second, fighting an internal battle I couldn’t fucking win.
All I could see was blood, so much fucking blood.
All I could hear were the alarms on Mia’s machines on the verge of flat-lining.
All I could feel was Maddie’s cold skin under my fingertips as if she was never warm to begin with.
“Creed… Creed… Creed… please help me… if you ever loved me… you would find me… please help me… I’m scared, Creed… I’m so scared…” With Luke’s voice from my nightmares tangled in between.
I hadn’t heard his voice in years.
It brought me to my knees, pulling me fucking under. The pain and guilt consumed me, eating me alive. My legs couldn’t hold up my misery and devastation any longer. I fell to the floor with Maddie in my arms. Shards of glass sliced into my legs, beneath me. I welcomed the fucking sting with open arms, wanting to feel anything other than my heart being torn in two.
“Goddamn it, Creed! Who’s it gonna be?” Doc demanded, his voice muffled in the distance.
“Don’t make me fuckin’ do this! Don’t make me fuckin’ choose!” I shouted for I don’t know whom.
“We’re runnin’ out of time!”
I blinked once then twice, seeing Autumn’s face flash in front of my eyes “Please… please… help me…” her voice droned in and out. “I... love... you... always.” Reminding me that everyone I ever loved begged for me to save them.
To help them.
Pleaded for their fucking lives.
When all I did was fail them. Exactly like I failed Mia and her baby girl.
I held Maddie so fucking tight against my heart, rocking her back and forth, feeling my future slip away. Knowing in the forefront of my mind, Mia would never forgive me for this.
But it wouldn’t fucking matter, she’d be
alive.
All I could think about was how could this be happening again. Praying it was all a nightmare I would soon wake up from, in bed with my girl, alive and breathing with baby girl still safely inside of her.
Conscious of the fact I was never that fucking lucky.
I wanted nothing more than to save both of them, even if it meant with my own life. If I didn’t make a decision, they were both going to die. I don’t know which punishment would be worse.
Taking both their lives.
Or just taking one of them.
“I’m so fuckin’ sorry, Maddie. Please… know that I’m so fuckin’ sorry… I tried…” I bawled, tears streaming down my face. Locking eyes with Doc, I nodded, muttering, “Mia, Doc. Save Mia.”
Aware this would be the end of us…
When it should have been the beginning.
Mia’s blood pressure beeped over and over again, signaling a weak pulse. Doc was right—we were out of time. I knew he wanted to fall apart like I was, I knew he was just trying to keep it together for her. Pushing on, doing everything possible to keep her here.
With us.
His silence was as painful as the pleas coming out of my mouth for him to save her.
It became a fucking waiting game.
Time seemed to stand still as my life slowly played out in front of me. Trying to balance somewhere in between the light and the darkness, when all I could see was gray.
I picked myself up off the ground, making my way over to Mia. My feet moved on their own accord, each stride more painful than the last. Until there were no steps to take, no more emotions to pull, no more sorrow to drown. Until there was nothing but my reality and truths staring back at me.
My stomach churned and my mind reeled. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t feel. I couldn’t talk.
I was numb.
The darkness settled in all around me. Memories of Mia and I came flooding into my mind. From the first time we ever met, to this point in time and every day in between. I stood there, hovering above her with baby girl still in my arms, unable to let either of them go.
Watching Doc with dead eyes as he dislodged her placenta and removed it. Finding the source of the bleed and clamping it off. He grabbed the blood bags from the fridge, and fluids from the cabinet, hooking them up to her IV. Her new source of life was transferred into her veins, into her bloodstream, where I would forever be a part of her.
Whether she wanted me to be or not.
Her pulse grew stronger every minute after, her blood pressure steadying. A huge sigh of relief escaped Doc’s lips as he wiped the sweat from his forehead with the back of his arm, peering over at me with hope in his eyes.
“She’s stable. Not in the clear… but she’s fuckin’ stable.”
I nodded, unable to form words of what I felt in my mind, in my heart, in my fucking soul.
Waiting…
For what was still to come.
My feet were glued to the goddamn floor that was cracking beneath me, ready to cave in. I felt Noah’s presence in the archway before he even said a word.
“Creed,” he whispered in an eerie tone. Cautiously walking around me. Dreading the inevitable. His eyes took in the scene in front of him, from all the blood to Mia to Doc, finally settling on me.
I mouthed, “I’m sorry,” needing for him to hear it.
His eyes widened, his mouth dropped, and all the life drained from his body. “No,” he breathed out, violently shaking his head. His lips quivered and his core shuddered as he peered down at his daughter in my arms. “NOOOOO!” he shouted, an ear-piercing scream that resonated deep in my bones. Where it would be eternally etched in my mind. Tears swelled up in his eyes as his chest heaved and his body trembled. “Give her to me!”
He stepped toward me, but I stepped back. Profusely shaking my head no with fresh tears rolling down the sides of my face. “Noah… please…”
“GIVE HER TO ME!” he yelled loud enough to break fucking glass. It echoed around the room, lingering in my ears. He attempted to reach for her again, causing me to take another step back. Trying to salvage what was left of his heart, protecting my baby brother. Knowing holding her would completely destroy him.
It wouldn’t change the outcome. Letting him see her. Feel her.
Fucking love her.
“Noah, we did everythin’ we could. I swear to you. Mia is still hangin’ on by a thread,” I uttered in a voice I didn’t recognize, nodding to her. Already aware of what Noah was thinking.
What he was feeling.
What he blamed me for.
“Fuck you!” he seethed through gritted teeth. Glaring at me. It was the first time I had ever seen him look at me with such hatred in his eyes. He lunged forward, roughly ripping her out of my grasp. Cradling her in his hands, he immediately unwrapped the blanket from her face. “NO! NO! NO! PLEASE! PLEASE! DOC, DO SOMETHIN’! PLEASE FUCKIN’ DO SOMETHIN’!” he bellowed, holding onto his daughter for dear life. He fell to his knees, placing her on the floor in front of him. “It’s okay, baby girl. It’s okay, daddy’s here… I’m here now… Everythin’ is gonna be fine. I’m gonna make it all better. It’s okay,” he choked on his words, hands shaking over her, not knowing what to do. Desperately wanting to resuscitate her. “Please… Maddie… please… don’t do this to me… please don’t fuckin’ do this to me… I can’t lose you… you’re all I ever wanted… please…”
The back of my arm went to my mouth, feeling as though I was dying right along with him. Forcing myself to not look away.
“Why are you just fuckin’ standin’ there?! Why isn’t anyone doin’ anythin’?! PLEASE! FUCKIN’ HELP ME!” He sucked in air, hyperventilating, his heart visually fucking breaking into pieces. “How could you let this happen?! I shouldn’t have fuckin’ left! She would be alive if I hadn’t fuckin’ left!” Grabbing ahold of her, he took her in his arms, pressing her up against his face. “I’m sorry, Maddie… I’m fuckin’ sorry I failed you… Please… please… baby girl… forgive me… I love you more than anything… I’m sorry,” he repeated over and over again, kissing all over her face, her arms, and her chest.
I made my eyes stay open. I made my body stay in place. I made myself take in every tear that fell from my brother’s face, every word that flew out of his mouth, every last emotion that bled out of his broken soul.
His body hunched over from crying so fucking hard. Losing the battle he never had the chance of winning. All that could be heard was Noah’s sorrowful screams and tears piercing out into the night.
After this day, our lives would be forever changed. There was no coming back from this. Noah and Mia were now going to be living in my nightmare, along with me.
This was my punishment for trying to bring good into my life. Knowing deep in my fucking gut that this wouldn’t have ever happened.
If it wasn’t for me.
FIFTEEN
*Creed*
We all watched in silence as Noah struggled to hand Maddie over to Doc. Needing to hold onto his daughter for a few more minutes, wanting to hold her for as long as he could. Having a hard time with letting her go. He couldn’t do it, he couldn’t say goodbye to his baby girl.
Not now.
Not ever.
He hunched over her tiny body, mourning her death. The life she should have had. The happiness she should have brought into this world.
Not the devastation that occurred.
He cried into the nook of her neck and broke down. Whispering his apologies in her ear before turning his face away, unable to look at her any longer. Doc aided by grabbing ahold of her and gently pulling her out of his tight grasp. Causing Noah to reluctantly let her go from his arms.
“I know, man… I know…” Doc grieved with him, letting Noah hold onto his shoulder for support.
He could barely fucking stand.
Seeing all my darkest secrets. All the pain I inflicted. All the love he still held onto for her.
He pushed off Doc, needing the momentum
to keep moving, keep going…
Keep fucking living.
Only stopping when he was standing beside Mia, looking down at her with glazed, broken eyes. A shell of the man he used to be. No longer full of life, no longer full of love, or fucking hope.
No longer full of anything.
He leaned forward, placing a kiss on her forehead. Letting his lips linger on her skin. “I’m so sorry, Mia,” he whispered, brushing her hair away from her pale face. Staring at her adoringly, trying like hell to hold it together. He kissed her one last time, before pushing off the table. Walking away from what was supposed to be his future.
“Noah!” I called out after him as he made his way for the front door.
He didn’t answer or stop, not that I expected him to. I rushed over, grabbing a hold of his shoulder and turned him to face me. Only to be met with the barrel of his gun, firmly pressed against my chest. Digging right into my heart.
I jerked back, my eyes widening. Never fucking expecting that.
“If you know what’s good for you, you’ll let me walk out of here. I’ve killed men for far fuckin’ less than what you just did in there, Creed,” he gritted out, glaring straight into my eyes.
I was no longer his brother standing in front of him.
His family. His blood.
I was just the man who killed his daughter.
Taking away his whole fucking world.
His finger didn’t move from the trigger as he cocked his gun to the side. “But you ain’t worth the blood. You ain’t worth the fuckin’ effort. Bein’ a part of your life is a guaranteed fuckin’ death sentence.” He adamantly nodded behind me. “Maddie’s death… her blood… it’s on you. You’re the reason she’s dead.”
The sincerity of his words were like taking bullet after bullet, after fucking bullet to my heart.
He backed away, still aiming his gun at my chest. Took one last look at me with disgust and hatred evident in his eyes, turned and left. Slamming the door behind him.
