by M. Robinson
I did.
“Now go back to that point in time and tell me what you feel.”
I took a deep breath, knowing that this was going to hurt. “Okay, I’m standing in the rain…” My mind drifted off, telling the story for me.
I watched with stone-cold eyes as the shiny white casket was lowered into the earth’s soil. The heavens were weeping right along with me, raindrops seeping into my black jacket.
Burning my core.
Little by little.
Deeper and deeper.
Until darkness surrounded me, until all eyes were only staring at me. I could feel their eagerness, like a noose around my neck. Waiting for me to react, waiting for me to break down, just waiting for me to do something.
Anything.
I tried to pretend I wasn't there. I tried to imagine that my life hadn't been changed in a matter of seconds. That my world hadn't been turned upside down in the span of a few hours. That everything I wanted to believe in wasn't truly…
A lie.
It also cost me the love of my life. The person I watched being buried deep into the ground, six feet under, where I would never see them again.
Not one smile.
Not one I love you.
My eyes fluttered open when I realized I had tears streaming down my cheeks. I leaned forward grabbing a tissue off the table, wiping away the emotions I tried so hard to forget.
“Continue, please,” Dr. Garcia said in a sincere tone. “This is good.”
“For who?”
“You.”
I closed my eyes again, picking up where I left off.
“I suddenly felt Noah behind me. Everything about him hurt. His scent, his aura, especially his love for me. For us.”
“I’m sorry. I’m so fuckin’ sorry,” he voiced in a tone that was filled with nothing but pain and remorse. His guilt was so thick, so consuming, I could feel it engulfing me, making it hard to breathe.
My life ended before it ever had a chance…
To begin.
While I stared at the gray granite tombstone, etched with the last name...
Jameson.
“How does Noah fit into this?” She pulled me away from my memories. Away from my sadness, grateful to be pulled back to reality.
“I mean… he’s been there for me. He came and talked to my parents’. Asking their permission for us to hang out. I still can’t believe the day he showed up at my house unannounced, a few days after the altercation. All bruised and cut up, asking to speak to my parents alone. They went out on the patio, shutting the sliding glass door behind them, but that didn’t stop me from eavesdropping. I hopped up on the kitchen counter and slid the window open a crack so I could listen.”
“If it weren’t for my wife, you wouldn’t be in my house. You have ten minutes before I kick your ass out,” Dad ordered in a harsh tone.
“Sir, first I want to apologize for my behavior at the cemetery. That ain’t right, what I did… I’m sorry.”
“Let’s cut the bullshit. Why you really here? You’re now down to eight minutes.”
“Lucas…” Mom reprimanded, making me smile.
“I came here wantin’ to ask your permission to hang out with Mia, sir,” Noah declared, making me jerk back. Almost falling off the counter from the sudden movement.
“This is what you’re wasting my time for?”
“Oh my God, Lucas! Give the man a chance.”
“Look what happened last time we let Mia out… Ended up knocked up by this little shit, and apparently screwing his brother on the side… It’s not fucking happening, Alex. Not anymore. We’re done here.”
I winced, hearing my dad say such hurtful things. He hadn’t talked that way to me. At least not recently.
“Sir, it ain’t like that. Things are different now. I left the MC behind. I wanna fresh start with my life. Make somethin’ of myself. I’m not askin’ to date your daughter. I just want to hang out with her. Be her friend. Maybe help her, ya know?”
“What—”
“I agree, Lucas,” Mom interrupted him. “He has a good point. I want my Mia back… And I’m willing to try anything to make that happen. I know you are, too. So please, put your stubbornness aside for our daughter. She’s not a child anymore. We can’t keep treating her like one. He didn’t have to come here to ask for permission, but he did, out of respect for you. That means something to me and I know it woul,d mean something to you, if you let it.”
“Half-Pint, the answer is no. I don’t want to lose her again.”
“She’s already lost! Let Noah help. Jesus, Lucas… you were far from perfect at their age. I don’t need to remind you what you were like. Mia doesn’t even come close to how you behaved! Noah may not be the man we thought she might end up with, but the same can be said about you! After everything you put me through, my family still gave you a chance. You owe it to your daughter to help her get better. Do you understand me?”
No one spoke for what felt like forever, until finally my dad yelled, “Fine! But if you lay one hand on Mia, touch her in any way. I will hunt you down and it won’t end fucking pretty. You hear?”
“Yes, sir. Thank you.”
“Even after what we all witnessed and heard that day from Creed and Noah’s fight, my dad reluctantly agreed but it was more my mom’s doing. She hopes it will help me remember. I think my dad is just grateful to know the truth behind my disappearance because of Noah. I mean, after Creed took off that day, it was bad…. I mean really bad. I think my dad might also respect the fact that Noah came to him and asked, even though I know he would never admit it.”
Dr. Garcia nodded again. “How do you feel about Noah? You’ve been hanging out with him a lot. Do you ask him questions?”
“I like Noah. I haven’t asked him anything about what I don’t remember, yet.”
“Why? You know he has answers.”
“I just… I mean… I don’t feel like I disappoint Noah, like I do everyone else. Like he’s happy that I don’t remember him. It’s almost like we can start over with a friendship, and I think he likes that as much as I do. I know if I ask him, he’d answer, but a part of me is scared to know what he would say. It’s obvious he hates his brother… I don’t know how sincere he may be about the subject, and I guess I don’t want it to confuse everything even more.”
“Has Creed tried to reach out to you?”
I shook my head. “He’d be stupid if he did. Between my uncles and my dad, they’ve made it their mission to get him out of hiding. The reward money alone is insane. Uncle Dylan has a warrant out for his arrest, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he alerted people on the other side of the world about it. I think I’d prefer Creed to be brought in before my dad found him. I’m pretty sure Dad would be the one who ends up in jail for murder.”
“I know, Mia. It’s why your parents’, mostly your dad, aren’t allowed in on our sessions anymore. He’s very protective over you. I could see that from the second I shook his hand at the hospital. At first, I thought it was from you missing, him just being worried. Then I realized it’s something that I think you may have struggled with before. Holding on tight to the leash they have on you. Every parent raises his or her kids differently. I’m not saying the way they raised you is wrong, but I think it’s good that they’re giving you some space now. You need it. You’re going to be an adult soon, and they’re not going to be able to shelter you forever.”
“Yeah, the last few weeks they’ve actually let me leave the house with Noah. I got my Jeep back, I guess they found it abandoned at the train station not too long after I went missing. Since I was returned safe and there was no circumstantial evidence found in it, I got it back. It’s been awesome to drive by myself, go to the store, the library, the mall. Sometimes I need to clear my head, so I just drive around, aimlessly… I’ve ended up at those train tracks a few times. Enjoying the quiet privacy,” I shared, thinking about the peace those tracks bring me. “But one thing I do miss is being around p
eople my age. Being homeschooled by my mom is starting to take its toll. I guess it’s just exhausting to feel like I was perfect in their eyes before and now I’m not. Even though I still look the same, I don’t feel same anymore, Doctor. I’m scared that even if my memories come back, I still won’t want to be that girl. It’s what terrifies me the most.”
“Let's not think about that now, you need to concentrate on taking life one day at a time. In the meantime, between our sessions I want you to write in this.” She turned around and pulled a notebook off her desk, handing it to me. “Anytime you remember something, you feel anything, whether it’s a trigger or a dream, I want you to write it in there. Consider it your homework. You bring your notebook to our sessions, and we can talk about what you’ve written down. Makes sense?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, great. You did good today, Mia. It will get easier, I promise. Same time next week?”
“Yes. Thank you, Doctor.”
I walked out of her office, feeling better. I always did when I left our sessions. There was something about being able to talk to her with no judgment, which made it easy for me to speak the truth.
I looked up when the elevator door dinged, letting me know I was in the parking garage of her office.
“Noah,” I announced, not surprised he was standing in front of me.
He did this sometimes. Show up after my sessions were done. As if he knew I needed someone to take my mind off everything that was discussed in therapy.
“Hey, pretty girl. I thought I’d take you to dinner and then maybe a movie. If you’re up for it?”
“Yeah! I’d love that. Umm… you want to drive my Jeep?”
He chuckled, knowing I didn’t want to go on the back of his bike. I wasn’t sure why, it just felt wrong. I chalked it up to being nervous about being on a motorcycle.
“So how was your day?”
“Better now,” he rasped, bumping his shoulder into mine before he threw his arm around my neck. Pulling me into his side.
I liked the way he felt, so warm and cozy. Winter officially kicked in, and we were experiencing our first cold front in Oak Island. I smiled, leaning into his embrace. Enjoying the feel of being wrapped in his arm.
Once we got to my Jeep, he opened the passenger door for me, grabbing ahold of my keys. I put my seatbelt on and pulled out my cell phone that my parents’ had recovered, from the center console. Needing to call my mom to tell her I was going to dinner and a movie with Noah. Knowing she’d worry if I wasn’t home right after therapy.
1 new text message
I clicked over the screen, expecting it to be her or my dad. Checking in on me like they always did after therapy.
“I know you probably don’t wanna hear from me, but needed ya to know... I miss you, babe.” – Unknown Number
“You alright over there?” Noah asked, glancing over at me.
I quickly clicked off the screen. “Yeah, just texting my mom.”
He nodded, appeased with my answer. Focusing back on the road.
I thought about the text message for the rest of the night, not having to guess who it was from.
I knew it was Creed.
And for some reason, it gave me comfort. Not only because he was alive and hopefully well, but because…
He missed me.
*Creed*
“Makes no fuckin’ sense, Creed. You know it and so do I,” Diesel argued, sitting across from me on his couch.
I took a deep breath, hunched over in the chair with my elbows placed on my knees. My head bowed with my hands out in front of me. Taking in everything he was saying. It had been three months since I last saw Mia, or Noah for that matter. I went into hiding the second I rode out of the cemetery parking lot, leaving my whole world behind. Making up some bullshit lie about how McGraw figured out I took Mia and why I looked beat to shit, knowing what would happen if they found out Noah fucked me over. Devil’s Rejects made me disappear until they could calm the shit storm Noah brought on. I was like a caged fucking dog while my old man sent everyone on what seemed like a wild fucking goose chase.
McGraw issued warrants to search all the brothers’ houses. Any property that had our names on it, anything that could lead him to me. Threatening the MC with the consequences of aiding and abetting a fugitive. He had each one of their asses sitting back in that interrogation room, trying to get to the bottom of what the fuck really happened. Cross-examining their stories for any loopholes. Comparing their alibis to the ones they gave since day one, knowing nothing had changed in what they claimed went down with Mia’s disappearance. Noah was the only one who threw my ass under the fucking bus, McGraw had no circumstantial evidence against them. He couldn’t hold him.
I would be lying if I said I wasn’t shocked as shit that McGraw didn’t tell them his source was my brother. Not using Noah as bait to get them to talk. All I knew was that Noah hadn’t dragged the MC name or their involvement in Mia’s disappearance through the mud. Just mine. It didn’t mean I wasn’t fucking waiting for the other shoe to drop. My hands were tied, I couldn’t rat out my baby brother, even though he pretty much turned my ass into the pigs.
Delivering my balls to McGraw on a silver fucking platter. The MC would have crucified Noah for turning his back on not only a brother, but also his VP. There was no way in hell I would ever allow that to happen. At the end of the day, it didn’t matter, though. He turned his prospect cut in the day after our fight. Standing up to Pops, letting him know that things were different now, he was different. Our old man didn’t even put two and two together on why Noah looked exactly how I fucking did. Beat up to shit. I guess he was too consumed with trying to make this problem go away. Noah walked out of the clubhouse that day and hadn’t returned since. At least that’s what Diesel and Ma told me.
Ma knew I was in hiding, she knew what went down between Noah and me. She was our mother, I didn’t expect her to take sides. Especially since Noah had been staying at her new place by the beach. Not far from Mia’s mom’s restaurant. She officially left my fucking cheating bastard of a father. I wasn’t surprised in the least. Their marriage had been over for fucking decades. Only difference now, it was on paper.
Stacey and Laura helped her buy the four-bedroom, three bathroom colonial home set back from the beach. She told me I was welcome to come home anytime I wanted, stating there was plenty of room for Noah and me to live under the same roof with her. It was why she bought such a big house. We’d always have a home and bed to sleep in, no matter what. She even gave me a key. I just think she hated being alone. I knew it hurt her, knowing her sons were fighting against each other. When all she wanted was for us to stay united and have one another’s backs. We were the only family we had, and she reminded us of that often.
“I know I left that fuckin’ disc Martinez gave me under the mattress in my room at the goddamn clubhouse. I hid it there the day I had to report back to base.”
“I already told you! I tore apart your fuckin’ room! It’s not there!”
“Then someone fuckin’ found it and stole it!” I abruptly stood, pacing around the room. “It’s my fuckin’ fault. I should have checked that disc fuckin’ months ago, but I had to report back for duty. Then Mia got knocked up, then the fuckin’ shootout and puttin’ her into hidin’. It’s been one thing after a fuckin’ another. I was goin’ to check it the day Martinez sent that text message, but I hauled fuckin’ ass over to Ma’s house cuz of their fuckin’ dinner! Thank God for that or Ma and Mia could be dead.”
“We’ve been lookin’ in the wrong places, pointin’ fingers at the wrong fuckin’ people. When we shoulda’ been lookin’ at our own. And this just fuckin’ proves it! You didn’t look at that disc cuz you didn’t think it had one fuckin’ thing to do with this! I followed your orders and our fuckin’ Prez’s, cuz I knew you had a shitload on your plate with Mia. Which is why you weren’t thinkin’ straight. Tryin’ to keep her safe. I get that. Which is why we gotta talk, now.”
; “So fuckin’ talk. Ain’t goin’ anywhere. I’m listenin’.”
He didn’t falter. “Think about it… from the second your old man took Mia and brought her to the clubhouse, he had you by your fuckin’ sack, and you know it. Why would he just take her? Huh? Not tell any of us? How did he even know where to find her? Why look like the fuckin’ hero? When he should have been fuckin’ fightin’ by our sides? For his goddamn club?! He don’t give a shit about her! He’s proven that time and time again. He did it to have your loyalty when he don’t fuckin’ deserve it. That shootout was bullshit in the first place! Why come to your house?! A home you’re rarely at and your father hasn’t stepped foot in for who the fuck knows how long. That was personal, it didn’t have shit to do with our MC.”
I narrowed my eyes at him, cocking my head to the side.
“You know it, Creed! It was a setup, bro. So was that ambush at the safe house.”
“Naw, that was my fuck up. I let her outside, knowin’ it would lead to no fuckin’ good.”
“I call bullshit! Even Doc smelled a fuckin’ traitor that night. That’s what Prez wants you to think! That safe house has been in our MC since before we were fuckin’ born. He was waitin’ for you to slip up, do somethin’ that would give reasonin’ for a shit storm. Not to mention that safe house was out in butt fuckin’ Egypt! No one would be able to find that place. Can’t even stumble upon it, unless you already knew it was there. All this shit started at that first meetin’ when he shot Striker in the fuckin’ head all those years ago. A man who’s been his best friend since they were kids, is all of a sudden a fuckin’ traitor? No fuckin’ way… eat my ass and suck my cock. That’s some bullshit right there.”
My mind immediately started reeling with everything he just said, mainly because it made so much fucking sense. Every last bit of it.
