by M. Robinson
“Please, Skyler baby, please,” she begged in another voice I didn’t recognize. Like she was saying goodbye to me. Like she was never coming back to me. “You be a good girl, okay? You be Mommy’s good girl. You take care of Daddy, no matter what you always take care of Daddy. I will always, always be in your heart, Skyler Bell. You’re my shining star.”
“Mommy, I won’t be a bad girl! I promise I will work harder! I’ll get more jobs and make more money! Please, just get out, so we can go home!”
“Oh, Skyler… I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so sorry for everything… you’re Mommy’s good girl. You will always be my good girl. Through everything in your life, all those big moments, your first kiss, the first time you fall in love, your wedding, when you have babies of your own one day, I will be there, in your heart. I’ve been so blessed having a baby girl like you, so, so blessed. I love you. I will always, always, love… so, so, so mu—”
The water went to her lips, cutting her off.
“NO! MOMMY, NO!” I grabbed onto her chin, trying to hold her face up, but I couldn’t. She couldn’t breathe. Mommy couldn’t breathe. “DADDY, DO SOMETHING! MOMMY CAN’T BREATHE! MOMMY CAN’T BREATHE! SHE NEEDS TO BE ABLE TO BREATHE TO STAY WITH US!”
Out of nowhere, I heard a loud pop and glass flew past my face. Feeling like it was cutting me open. Daddy’s arms wrapped around my stomach, but I held onto Mommy harder as he roughly tried to pull me away.
“NO! NO! NO! DADDY, NO! I WANT MY MOMMY! I WANT MY MOMMY! NO, DADDY! NOOOOO!”
With one hard tug that took my breath away, he yanked me from her. Kicking and screaming. I fought him. I fought my daddy for my mommy. I fought the water. I fought for my life that was sinking to the bottom of the water. Without me.
Without us.
All I wanted was my mommy.
“DADDY, DON’T DO THIS! DON’T TAKE ME AWAY FROM HER! SHE NEEDS ME! I KNOW SHE NEEDS ME!” I screamed bloody murder, and my lungs started to burn. Even though I reached back, I couldn’t touch her. Making me so angry, so mad.
Why was he doing this?
Why couldn’t he get her?
Why was he taking me away!
Why! Why! Why!
“DADDY I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU SO MUCH!” I exploded, I’d never said that to him before, but I couldn’t help it. I just couldn’t help it.
“Mommy… Mommy… Mommy…” I cried out by the last thing I saw of was face rippling in the murky water through the windshield as she slowly blew me a kiss. The SUV sinking till I couldn’t see her anymore. I was being pulled further and further away from her.
Gasping, when we hit the surface. I sucked in air, coughing out water that I swallowed along the way. Gagging and choking, I screamed out in pure agony and pain. Slicing and tearing at my insides, at my heart, at every inch of my skin.
“Mommy! I want my mommy! Please, Daddy, please! Just get her! Just go get her!”
“I’m sorry, Skyler… I’m so sorry,” he voiced in a tone that would forever haunt me. Watching as the bubbles shot out of the water, praying every time it was my mommy. That at any second, she would break free and come up above the water. That this was just a bad dream, a nightmare I’d wake up from.
This wasn’t happening.
This couldn’t be happening.
I huffed and puffed, coughing out more water, unable to catch my breath. Unable to breathe.
“Noooooo!” I screamed again, feeling like I was dying too. I wanted to die.
I just wanted to die.
Please, God, let me die. Please…
“Skyler, Cutie, baby! I’m here… baby, I’m here…”
Noah?
“Come on, baby… wake up… I’m here… Cutie, please wake up….”
Was he in the river too? Why was he in the river? I don’t want him to die. Please, God, I don’t want him to die.
I couldn’t breathe.
I couldn’t fucking breathe.
No… No… No…
“Skyler, I’m hangin’ on by a fuckin’ thread here, and you’re scarin’ the shit out of me… WAKE UP!”
I loudly gasped, shooting straight up off the couch at lighting speed. Hyperventilating for my next breath, my heart feeling as though it was on fire, my lungs burning, my body profusely shaking. Every inch of my mind, my body, my soul was still in that river.
I just couldn’t breathe.
“Shhh… baby, baby, baby.”
With wide, wild eyes, my gaze flew to Noah’s, instantly holding my hands out in front of me. Stopping him dead in his place with his arms still reaching out for me.
“Don’t touch me. Don’t fucking touch me,” I panted, not knowing if this was just another dream or real life.
“Skyler…” His voice sounded so close, yet so far away. Almost like he was trying to talk me off a ledge. “It’s me, Cutie. Me.”
“Don’t touch me.” I uncontrollably shook my head. “Don’t fucking touch me.”
He surrendered his hands. “Baby…” Never taking his eyes off mine, he just started humming the tune to Annie for I don’t know how long, until he rasped, “Sing for me, Skyler.” Before continuing the lulling melody. “Come on, baby, you can do it. Sing wit’ me, yeah? The sun’ll come out tomorrow, bet all those dollars that…”
“Tomorrow…” I whispered, loud enough for him to hear.
He cautiously smiled, slowly inching his way closer to me. “Just thinkin’ about…”
“Tomorrow…”
“Clears away the sadness, the rain, and the…”
“Emptiness…”
“‘Till it’s not…”
“There…”
“Good girl, baby. That’s my good girl… So just hang on ‘til…”
“Tomorrow…”
“And work through…”
“The pain...”
“Tomorrow… Tomorrow… I love ya…”
“Noah…”
“All of the days and nights of…”
“Noah…”
“I know, baby… I know…”
“My mom… my mom… I just want my mom…”
With tears pooling his eyes and an expression on his face that mirrored mine, he repeated, “I know, baby… I know…”
I didn’t hesitate, throwing my arms around him and sliding myself onto his lap.
“There’s my girl. There she is,” he soothed in a soft, gentle, comforting tone. As he kissed away all my tears, tenderly whispering sweet words into my wet cheeks, nose, lips. “You’re okay. I’ve got ya, baby. I’m here now and I ain’t goin’ anywhere.”
“Please…” I begged, trembling in his arms. Trying with all my might to talk my six-year-old self-down. It was my fault. It was all my fault, and nothing could ever change that.
“Noah, please…”
“I’m here, I’m right here.”
“I need you. Please, I just need you.”
Grabbing the sides of my face, he peered deep into my eyes.
“Please… just make it go away… just make it go away…”
“I love you. I fuckin’ love you, Skyler.” In one swift move, he started kissing me as I frantically unfastened his belt. Making me remember my dad trying to unfasten my mom’s, seeing flashes of that day in front me. I shook it away, whimpering.
“Baby, stay wit’ me,” he urged, kissing me all over again. “Just stay right here wit’ me. You’re in my arms, you’re safe, I promise. I gotcha. You’re mine, baby. No one can hurt you. No one.”
He was right.
No one could hurt me.
Not as much as I would forever hurt myself.
THIRTY-SEVEN
NOAH
We’d been back in L.A. since Skyler’s tour wrapped up about three months ago in Europe. And I couldn’t have been more fucking grateful settling down in one place versus living out of a suitcase for twelve months straight. I’d left Southport, North Carolina over a year ago and hadn’t gone back, cutting all ties except for the occasional phone call with Ma to check in o
n her. She was still sober and attending AA meetings regularly.
Finally taking control of her life, genuinely sounding happy for the first time since Luke died. I hadn’t talked to her since the last voicemail she left me while we were in Paris six months ago, inviting me back home for a special occasion, that at the time made me spiral down a bottle of Jack Daniels. Disappearing for a whole day alone, wondering the streets of Paris. Missing a black-tie affair, I was supposed to attend with Skyler.
“Hey, Baby, it’s your mother. Just calling to check on you and make sure you are alright. I wish you’d tell me where you are and what you’re up to these days, so I can stop worrying about you. Anyways, I called to tell you Creed is getting married this Saturday at one o’clock and I… we would really like it if you came. Now, before you get all pissed off like I know you are, hear me out. He is your brother, your blood. I know there is a lot of animosity between you two, especially after everything that happened, but, baby, it’s time to move on and maybe try to forgive each other. He is with who he is meant to be with and something tells me you might be too. I will text you the details, please put your hatred aside for a day and come home. Please Noah, for me. I miss you, baby. I love you. Talk soon.”
Needless to say, I was a no show. Selfish or not, I couldn’t bear to witness them get married. Not after the fucking history we all shared.
Skyler and I were living together in her twenty thousand-square-foot mansion in Bel-Air. Even though I fucking hated L.A., I was here on my own accord.
I was here because she was here.
This city was just a big waste of space in the world, filled with pretentious motherfuckers left and right. Who had nothing better to do than wipe their asses with hundred dollar bills simply because they could. Everyone was rude as fuck, and they all thought they were better than each other. There was absolutely zero fucking substance to these rich bitches, and all they cared about was what they looked like, what you could do for them, or how much money you made.
The better looking you were, the more money you had, the higher you were considered on the fucking food chain. It was disgusting. And I was smack dab in the middle of it. If I had to meet one more stuck-up celebrity, arrogant producer, self-absorbed entrepreneur, I was going to lose my fucking shit. I couldn’t believe this life even existed. It was like an alternate universe where Skyler was Queen fucking B.
When my girl walked into a room, everyone shut the fuck up and turned to look at her. If I thought she got attention while we on tour in different locations constantly, it didn’t compare or come close to the amount of attention she got in L.A. Everywhere we went the paparazzi followed. Every newsstand, grocery aisle, fucking billboard had her face sprawled across it. There was no getting away from the cameras. In the last three months alone, I lost count of how many reporters tried to sneak into her private, guarded estate unnoticed to get a picture and exploit her.
It was fucking ridiculous the shit she was put through on the daily, and the worst part was, it didn’t even faze her. She was so used to it. People were constantly coming in and out of her house for one thing or another, from her marketing team, to her PR bullshit, to her glam squad, to her wardrobe assistants, and who the fuck knows else. I was so over waking up to a house full of motherfuckers who needed something from her.
Especially Keith.
The son of a bitch manipulated the shit out of her, and I couldn’t understand for the life of me how she didn’t see it. He was a piece of shit Skyler considered a father figure, when in reality, he was anything but that. Anytime he was around, I started visualizing how easy it would be to put him to ground. Causing me to be around less and less.
It was all becoming too much.
Skyler hadn’t stopped working the entire time we’d been together. She jumped right into a new movie as soon as we flew back to L.A. My girl looked fucking exhausted, relying more and more on whatever the fuck her team and Keith was shoving down her throat to keep going. At this point, I didn’t even know anymore. She was on set so goddamn much, or at an event, or a photoshoot, or an interview, everything and anything in between.
There was no pause button to make her slow down.
The further I saw into her life, the more I hated it. Not just for me, but for her as well.
The night I witnessed firsthand the truth of her past fucking broke me. I knew her mom had died in Cape Fear river, but I had no idea Skyler watched it all happen. Or that her old man had to choose between his kid and his wife, making me realize we had more in common than I ever thought possible.
It made me sick to my fucking stomach just thinking about it. Knowing exactly what that felt like and how much it destroyed you inside. Leaving a shell of person, you thought you were. I despised where our lives had taken us, her killing herself with her career to feel alive while I…
Lost myself the only way I knew how.
Skyler threw herself into more obligations because of me. Trying her best to avoid the catastrophic war that awaited us just around the corner.
Lurking.
It was a ticking time bomb.
With her never-ending questions and thoughts I could blatantly see in her eyes every time she fucking looked at me.
Our love was saving and killing us at the same time.
Even with the mounting tension between us, we still sought refuge within each other through our love making. It became its own entity. Where we literally tried to fuck our demons out of one another. As if we were going into combat, and neither one of us knew if we’d make it out alive.
With every thrust.
Every moan, groan, pant.
Every I love you.
Our past made itself known through the heady movements of our bodies.
And our safe haven, now included parts of our Hell.
“Babe?” I called out, stepping into her bedroom, freshly showered with a towel wrapped around my waist.
She wasn’t in bed anymore, so I threw on shirt and some gym shorts, and made my way through the house until I found her outside by the pool.
Walking up behind her, I wrapped my arms around her waist and kissed her bare shoulder. “You smell so fuckin’ good.”
She leaned into my embrace. “So do you.”
I loved my girl best like this. Hair messy, face make-up-free, she was breathtaking with her natural beauty.
“Pepper will be here in a few hours to drop off your tuxedo for tonight.”
“I thought that was tomorrow,” I replied, turning her to face me.
“No. It’s tonight. I reminded you a few days ago.”
“I must have got the days confused.”
Eyeing me up and down, she replied, “Don’t look so excited or anything, Noah.”
“Babe… ya know that’s not it. I love spendin’ time wit’ ya, but the thought of another black-tie event, where I can’t even fuckin’ touch you, doesn’t sound that appealin’.”
We still hadn’t told anyone who we really were to each other, and I was beginning to think we never would.
“You haven’t gone to an event with me in like three weeks.”
“I think I just answered why.”
“Fine.” She shrugged. “Don’t come.”
“Skyler, don’t be like that.”
“Be like what?”
“Don’t fuck wit’ me, Cutie. It’s too early for this shit. I just made other plans for tonight, that’s all.”
“For what?”
“To ride out. You know my other girl just got here from Southport.” I grinned. “I haven’t had a Harley between my legs in months, the only thing I’ve been ridin’ is you.” Diesel had my bike brought out to L.A. for me a few months back. No questions asked.
She let out a low laugh. “I’m being replaced for a bike.”
“Baby, don’t be jealous. You know you’ll always be my number one girl.”
“Can’t you just go this afternoon and come back to go with me to the event? It doesn’t start till seven.”
“Travis can’t ride out till ten tonight.”
“Travis? Who’s Travis?”
I kissed her lips. “Your slutty best friend’s bodyguard.”
“You’re my best friend.”
“Tell that to Melania.”
“You made friends with her bodyguard? When?”
“Skyler, you’re on my ass to make friends out here, and when I do, you’re on my ass ’bout that too? Make up your mind, yeah?”
“Yeah. You’re right. I’m sorry. I just don’t want to go to another event without you.”
“Baby, you barely talk to me when I’m there.”
“But you’re still there with me. You help me relax.”
“When are you ever nervous?”
“When you’re not there with me.”
I swear she was the most beautiful girl in the world, especially when she was looking at me with big eyes and pouty lips.
“I’ll go to your next event.”
She smiled, kissing my lips. “My next three events.”
“Now you’re just pushin’ it.”
“Mmm hmm…”
“I love you,” I whispered in between kissing her, before I turned around to walk back inside. Knowing I’d be getting a call, silently hoping it wouldn’t ring until I was out of her sight. Though when had I ever been that fucking lucky.
As if on cue, my phone rang as soon as I stepped away from her.
Adding more secrets to our mound of bullshit lies.
SKYLER
Feeling exhausted, I quickly got dressed in the black fitted gown my stylist picked out for me. Trying to use my fatigue as a distraction for the night ahead. I spent all day on set, and now I had to get ready for yet another event. Unraveling with every minute that passed since Noah told me he wouldn’t be attending it with me this morning. Although, I had a million reasons not to trust him, I had a million more why I should.
Of course, my mind went right to the worse. Noah was hiding more shit from me, I could feel it. His phone going off at ten o’clock precisely wasn’t helping. Mumbling a hello, walking away from my prying ears. He still refused to tell me who it was. Just saying it wasn’t something to worry my pretty little head over. And at this point, I had to pick and choose our battles. I didn’t know what else I was supposed to do. I tried with all my strength to make him feel welcome, included, part of my life, but I knew he wasn’t happy. As hard as he tried, he just couldn’t fit in. He hated my world which was why I spent so many years keeping them separate.
