“Because I should never have taken advantage of you like that.”
Maggie was stunned. “But that’s not your fault! You weren’t taking advantage of me at all. That’s not what happened. It’s not your fault.”
Jonathon’s shoulders sagged. He let out a choked laugh and pressed a trembling hand over his eyes. “I can’t tell you how happy I am to hear you say that. I guess it’s nobody’s fault. It’s like we got drunk together and just… well. It happened. And we’re going to have to deal with it.”
“Yeah. But it’s neither of our fault.” It felt like a weight was lifted off her shoulders, but there was still that nagging doubt, that guilt that said that no matter what Jonathon was saying, he would come to see that it was her fault. That it was her that took advantage of him… “Do you want to talk about it more?”
Jonathon shook his head. “I think we should talk about that other thing. Because… Shit, this is hard. Crowley’s the only one I didn’t chase off.”
It took a moment for Maggie to understand what he was saying. The relief she had felt when he said this wasn’t her fault trickled away, replaced by a numb sort of shock. “Michael?”
A nod.
“Brendan? Luke? Santiago?” Maggie couldn’t believe it when Jonathon gave her that guilty look. He nodded for each one. She sat there, stunned, not knowing what to say or think about any of that. “All of them. You chased them all off? How? Why?”
“The how was easy,” Jonathon muttered. “Half of them I just said you wanted to have a baby within the next year, the other half I gave them a hundred bucks to run off. Isn’t that enough proof that they weren’t good for you? Because none of them were good for you. And that’s why I did it. Josh was a controlling ass who would have abused you, and the rest of them… not that much better. Except for Crowley. He was a good guy, and I thought you two would have made it.”
“Whoa.” Maggie held up a hand. “You broke me up with my boyfriends because they were controlling? What do you think it’s called when you take that choice from me?”
“I know! I know. And once I realized what I was doing and what a control freak I was being, I stopped. I swear. It’s just that you haven’t dated anybody since then.” Jonathon peered at her anxiously, but Maggie was feeling too many emotions to know how to deal with any of them. She stuck her feet in the water, only to think that this was their only source of drinking water and pulled them back out. Jonathon gestured for her to put them back in. “I can boil it easy enough and it’s a spring. New water’s coming in.”
Maggie put her feet back in the water.
“I’m sorry. I’ve thought I should tell you for a long time,” Jonathon continued. “I know it was stupid and jerky and just… it was really, really low. I’m sorry. But they weren’t good for you.”
“Except Crowley.”
“Yeah. Except him.”
Maggie shook her head, fighting down the anger at all these revelations. “Crowley wasn’t the right guy for me. But you know what? It would have been nice to make that decision with the others. How could you do that, Jonathon? You know how much it hurt for them to just toss me aside like a used pair of slippers.”
Jonathon flinched.
“I understand Josh. Okay, yeah I was never going to see him for what he was unless I got space. You still should have talked to me. You still should have tried to get me to see it myself before you took it into your own hands. And what about Jacob? Or Calvin? They were good guys. Hell, I was engaged to Calvin. And then he just dropped me out of the blue, and it was because of you?”
“If they were good guys, I wouldn’t have been able to get rid of them so easily.”
Maybe he had a point, but Maggie didn’t want to hear it. “You were interfering in my personal life in a way that is unacceptable. That was my choice to make. Why would you… why would you think that I didn’t deserve to make that choice myself?”
Jonathon bent his head and mumbled something.
“What?”
“Calvin was cheating on you! Okay? He wasn’t even subtle about it. I didn’t want to tell you because I knew how much it would hurt you. I know what your stepfather used to say, the way he’d talk about your body and put you in tears because you thought you were fat and ugly because of your curves. It took you so long to get over that, and if you found out he was cheating—”
“It’s not cheating if both parties know and agree to it.” Even as she spoke, though, her stomach twisted.
Calvin hadn’t been a good guy, not really. She’d agreed to marry him, yeah, but she had also thought that it was her only chance. He had told her in no uncertain terms that he was sleeping with other women because ‘men have needs’, but at the same time he was jealous of Jonathon and wanted her to stop having anything to do with him. Her arms wrapped around her waist as she avoided Jonathon’s eye.
Maybe she really was too stupid to take care of herself. Maybe she really did need him to come in and be the big hero, choosing her partners for her since she clearly had terrible judgment. Wasn’t that what Camille used to say? That it was a good thing Maggie was so smart because it meant she could figure out when she was wrong about things?
Thinking of Camille made her heart ache. Right now, more than anything, she wanted to talk to her sister. This was all so confusing! She didn’t know where to start with it.
“I really am sorry,” Jonathon mumbled. “I really do understand why you’re angry and what I did was wrong. I wish I could take it back. I really do. I wish I’d been smart enough to do the right thing. But there isn’t anything I can do to change it. Unless you want me to set you up with a blind date or something.”
His attempt at humor fell flat. Maggie closed her eyes. “If you’ve really changed that much, why did you do so much to stop me from leaving with Mike? Isn’t what you did with him exactly what you did with the rest of them?”
***
She had a point. Jonathon cursed under his breath. “Shit! I did, didn’t I? I thought it was because you were acting strangely but… But I did it again. Maggie, I’m so sorry.”
“I know you are.” Maggie rubbed her eyes. “I know you’re sorry. But sorry doesn’t change what happened, and I am very upset with this. It’s a lot to take in. And I will say, I don’t know how much of these emotions are due to this… learning about what you did and how much is because of what we…” She trailed off, her cheeks flushing. “And how much is because I’m a vampire and I don’t want to be and Josh’s proposition and… it’s just all so much.”
Jonathon nodded. He wasn’t going to argue that. There was a lot happening. It was too much for him to try to deal with during this time as well.
“Do you… do you just want to focus on the island, then?”
“How? How can we find it? We don’t have the map. We can’t go back to the Smithsonian and make another rubbing. Let’s face it. We’re stuck here with only the vaguest idea of where to go from here. And we have so much between us right now, Jonathon. How can we start to move past this when there is all of this crap going on?”
With every word that came from her mouth, Jonathon saw her slipping a little further away from him. The years of friendship fading into the past. “And finding out about my stuff… it’s only making it worse.”
Maggie nodded reluctantly. “It’s not helping. And I don’t know how to start moving past that when there is so much other stuff. I want to just put it away until I have time, but right now, I don’t know if we’re ever going to have time.”
“I’ll head back to the mainland and pick up a map. I’m sure we can figure out where the island is if we have something to base this off of.”
“And then what? Josh knows where we want to go, he said that the bears patrol the waters. He’ll be out there, trying to stop us. Because who cares if this is my life that we’re talking about, he just wants what he wants—” She cut off and gave him a guilty look.
He knew why. “Will you be able to forgive me?”
�
��I just… Why didn’t you ever tell me, Jonathon? Why didn’t you ever say anything? Is it because you thought I wouldn’t forgive you?”
Jonathon bit back a sigh. There wasn’t any way around it. He had to admit the truth. Tell her everything. He sucked in a ragged breath, steeling himself. He could already imagine the look in her eyes when he confessed. He’d wondered about telling her for so long. So damn long. He’s imagined it. Thought about the best and worst-case scenarios. Nothing, though, had been anywhere near this level. Having to tell her his feelings after his darkest secret was revealed.
“It’s because I was jealous,” he mumbled, glaring at the cool, clear water. “And I knew I wasn’t good enough for you, either.”
Maggie inhaled sharply.
“I…” He dared a glance at her face to find her eyes wide and a hand pressed to her mouth. “I was jealous of all of them. I wanted to be the one who took you home at night. That’s why I was so eager to believe what you were saying last night. Why I let all those hormones and the effects of you drinking from me cloud my judgment.”
He would have said more but Maggie stopped him. Her skin was pale as she averted her gaze. “You can’t imagine how long I’ve wanted to hear you say that.”
Wait, what?
“What I said was true, Jonathon. It wasn’t because I was drinking from you. That’s the reason why I was brave enough to say it, but every word was true. I’ve been in love with you for years. If I’d known that you felt the same…”
Jonathon choked on a laugh. He should be elated. Should be jumping up and down and yelling for joy. She loved him. The way he wanted her to. But now? Finding out like this? “It doesn’t change things, does it? Not with the way I’ve acted.”
“It’s not just that,” Maggie said, and she sounded tired and defeated. “It’s that we only said it now because of what happened. And it shouldn’t have had to be said this way. Neither of us said anything to the other… does that mean that we don’t trust each other? And now we can’t go back. We can’t just be friends and that means if we can’t be a couple… Where does that leave us?”
“We can be a couple, though.”
“A couple of what?” Maggie scrubbed her palm over her eyes. “After I just found out that you chased off my boyfriends? How is that different from them not letting me have any choices? And what about all the women you’ve been with? If we really loved each other, shouldn’t it be that we couldn’t stand to be with anybody else? Shouldn’t we have been able to see the signs?”
“It’s not a fairy tale,” Jonathon said awkwardly. “I didn’t think you wanted me. I didn’t think I was good enough for you. I went with those other women so I could try to get over you so that you could end up with someone who was good for you, who would be the best for you. I don’t need emotion for sex, you know that.”
Maggie dug her hands into her hair and fell back, laying on the soft grasses surrounding the spring. “It’s just so complicated. And there is so much happening. I don’t know where to start trying to deal with this.”
“I know what you mean.”
She covered her face. “Jonathon, I…”
“Yes?”
“I…”
Jonathon waited, anxiety wrapping his stomach into knots.
Maggie dropped her hands. “I think we need to get this figured out. I mean, where the island is. There’s no use in talking about other things until I’m human again. I mean, once I don’t have to deal with being a vampire, it’ll be a lot easier to talk about other emotional issues, right?”
“Yeah.” Jonathon got to his feet. “You’re right. That should be what we’re focusing on right now. We need to get you human again and once you are… well. Everything will be better.”
Maggie looked unconvinced, but Jonathon didn’t know what else to say. What he’d really meant was that once she was human again, she wouldn’t be so reliant on him. Right now, she needed him for blood, needed him for emotional support. She had her sister, but all her other friends had turned against her. Once she was human, she wouldn’t feel so isolated anymore.
It hurt to think that she might walk away from him, but if that’s what she chose… he would have to let her go. Because he loved her too much to think that he might cause her more pain. If she wanted to leave, then who was he to stop her from leaving and finding someone who would make her happy?
Well, the first thing he needed to do was go find a map. They couldn’t do anything before they knew where to go, after all. He hesitated as he stood, though, staring down at Maggie. “Are you going to be alright by yourself?”
“I’m sure I will be,” Maggie replied dryly. “It’s not like Josh could have followed us. I’ll see any boats headed this way long before they get here. Just while you’re out, can you get some sunscreen? I’m starting to get crispy.”
Jonathon peered at her in worry. It was true, she was turning red faster than she should be. Vampires were more sensitive to sunlight, but it shouldn’t be that dangerous to her since she just got fresh blood not long ago. Still, he took off his shirt and told her to keep herself cool and in the shade. Maggie nodded as she moved to curl at the base of a tree.
His fires flickered, burning low as he left her on that island all by herself. But he tried to reassure himself, she would be fine. Maggie was tough, smart and had drunk a good amount of blood the previous night. She would be fine.
Still, he flew as fast and hard as he could back to the mainland. He didn’t have any money, so he lifted a map, sunscreen and a couple of bags of chips from a convenience store while the cashier was busy with other customers. It wasn’t as bad as breaking into the Smithsonian, right?
He was back to Maggie within a few hours. She looked a lot better when he arrived than she had when he left. She was back in the spring, soaking her clothes while she had his shirt over her head as a sunshade. Jonathon handed her the chips and she tore into them eagerly while he flipped open the map until he found a coastline that looked familiar.
“It should be around here,” Maggie said, pointing at a spot on the map. “If we go fly out that way, we should be able to see something from the air. But I was thinking. Josh said the shifters that went to the island didn’t return. It might have some sort of anti-shifter defenses.”
“What sort of defenses are you thinking?”
Maggie shrugged. “They were able to make that brass urchin so it opened with vampire blood. They could have something that senses shifters and takes them out before they can set foot on the island.”
Jonathon frowned at her. “I’m not letting you go by yourself.”
“Not even if it’s the only way?”
He shook his head firmly. “How are you going to get there without me? Are you going to take a boat and run into Josh’s patrols? No, I’m going to have to fly you.”
“Jonathon…” Maggie shook her head. “I don’t want you to get hurt. Your kids need you.”
For a moment, Jonathon hesitated. Because she was right. He had responsibilities. His children did need him. They relied on him. Their happy little faces floated in his mind’s eye. If something was to happen to him, it would devastate them. Ronnie was so little, she might not even remember him. But as he gazed into Maggie’s eyes, he knew something else, too.
“They need you,” he murmured. “You said you wanted to be the mother to my children? Well, you are. You’re not just a nanny, Maggie. You are their mother, and if anything happened to you…”
She bit her lip. “Should we just go home, then? Forget about all of this?”
“Not on my watch.” Jonathon straightened and held his hand out to her. “We’re going to get this solved, Maggie. You will be human again. I swear you that. Now let’s go make this island our bitch.”
Maggie laughed. “Okay. That didn’t sound as tough as you wanted, but I appreciate the effort. But let’s wait until dark, okay? It’ll be harder for Josh to find us then.”
“Right.” Jonathon nodded. “Dark it is, then.”
<
br /> Chapter Ten
A sliver of moon was the only light they had as Jonathon flew over the ocean, but it was enough for their sharp eyes. Maggie sat perched on his back, clutching at the spikes she sat between as she scanned the silvery water below. They’d seen wildlife several times and twice a boat which had loud music coming from it. They’d found a few islands but nothing of note.
Maggie was just about to lose hope when Jonathon dipped to one side. He circled and headed further from the mainland. Maggie pushed herself up on his shoulder blades and peered at the horizon. There, just on the outskirts of her vision, was another island. And somehow, she felt it in the pit of her stomach. This was it. This was where she was going to find her cure. She held her breath as Jonathon flew for it. As they got closer, Jonathon rose higher in the air.
Several boats circled the island in a patrolling pattern, but it would be impossible to know if they saw them. Jonathon winged about the island twice before he dropped onto a high pillar at the north side. From there, they could keep an eye on the boats as well as whatever might be on the island.
It was rather large, with dense vegetation on it. Maggie inhaled deeply but smelled nothing but dirt and sea. She slid off Jonathon’s shoulders and he shifted back to human.
“This is it,” she told him. “I feel it in my bones. This is it.”
Jonathon nodded, looking grim. “So, where do we go from here?”
“I think we should start there.” Maggie pointed toward the outlines of a crumbling building. “If there are going to be any clues, they’ll be there, right?”
Jonathon frowned. “It is the most obvious spot. Which means it might be a trap.”
“Oh, I guess.” Maggie dropped her arm. She hadn’t thought about that. But if shifters disappeared on this island, that had to mean that there were dangers. At least to shifters. Maybe not to vampires, though. She chewed her lip as she glanced at Jonathon. “I don’t suppose I can convince you to stay here while I check it out, in case it’s something that only vampires can approach?”
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