by J. J. McAvoy
Her face was so red it looked like she was sick.
“My mother isn’t dead! GO AWAY! GO AWAY!” she cried out. Cora ran after, pulling her into her arms, but Dona just fought harder…cried harder. Declan came out a second later trying to get her calm down, but she just pushed him away and ran.
Damn it.
The gun fell from my hand. I stood there watching my daughter sob on the screen for so long that my eyes started to burn. I didn’t have much energy to do anything other than hop into our bathroom, turn on the shower—not caring if it was cold or warm—and get a cover for my cast. I sat down, clothes still on, the water drenching me in seconds.
“Ahh…” With my hand over my mouth, I sobbed, rocking back and forth over and over again. I thought that wanting to die but not being able to must be the worst form of punishment any man could go through.
One hour I sat in there before coming out.
When I came out I saw the hairs that had grown around my chin, the dark shadows around my eyes…I saw it clearly, I just couldn’t be tasked with dealing with it. A shower and a change of clothes were enough, just jeans and a white pullover. Grabbing one of the crutches I had been given but hadn’t even thought of using, I took a deep breath and unlocked the door to Dona and Wyatt’s room.
“Dona, you shouldn’t have gone outside—”
But none of them were there.
“You’re not my mom, go away!” I heard their voices from Ethan’s room.
“Dona—”
“I HATE YOU! I HATE ALL OF YOU! GO AWAY!” she screamed before something broke.
Rubbing my chest, I wanted to walk away from her. I couldn’t deal with her pain too. I just couldn’t, and yet I opened the door. Each one of their heads snapped to me, Declan, Cora, Mina, Ethan, Wyatt, my mother, and Dona.
Ethan sat by the window. Wyatt laid on his bed next to Dona, and everyone else stood by the door.
“I got it,” I said to the rest of my family. They didn’t say anything, just left us alone, the door clicking softly when it closed. None of them came to me. Instead, they just stared for a moment before Ethan turned away and looked back out the window. Dona buried her face in her pillow and Wyatt lay still, staring up at the ceiling.
Moving to the end of the bed, I sat down, not sure what to say to them, how to even go about speaking.
“Have you guys eaten?” I asked.
“Do you even care?” Ethan shot back, not looking at me. It was the first time in his life he had ever spoken so disrespectfully. “It’s fine, Dad, go back to bed. I’ll take care of Dona and Wyatt.”
“And who is going to take care of you?” My eyebrow rose. “After all, you are still a kid Ethan—”
“I’m not a kid anymore, Dad!” he yelled at me. When I looked in his eyes, all I saw was pain and rage. “We aren’t kids. All of us here are old enough! I’ve been with Wyatt and Dona all this time. I’m not a kid!”
Getting up, I moved to him, but he backed away. Tugging him toward me, I pulled him into a hug.
“Let go! Let go! Just go back to drinking! They said you were going to kill yourself! You’re going to leave too! So just go already go!” He hit and pushed me but I held on to him tighter, wrapping my arms around him and kissing the top of his head.
“I’m sorry I left you guys alone,” I whispered, “and thank you for taking care of things, little man.” A sob ripped through him and I held on tightly. “Thank you for being so much stronger than me—”
“Please, Dad, don’t go,” he cried and as he did, he wrapped his arms around my waist. “Not you too, please, please…”
Sitting beside him, I blinked a few times before forcing him to look at me. “I’m not going anywhere, not for a long while. Your uncles and aunts will mess up all the training we’ve done. Wyatt, Dona, come here.”
Dona rushed to me, crying out when I kissed her face as she hugged me. “Thank you, princess…I saw you on TV, it helped me.” It had saved and killed me at the same time.
“Wyatt?” I looked up but he didn’t come to me, just lay there.
“He doesn’t want to speak anymore,” Ethan whispered to me.
I didn’t want to force him because I understood that it wasn’t that he didn’t want to speak, it was that he couldn’t. He didn’t have anything to say.
“Come on, I’m still sore. Let’s lie down,” I said, shifting on the bed. I pulled Wyatt in close to me and kissed the side of his head. Dona and Ethan lay down on the opposite side…and for the first time, Ethan’s giant bed didn’t feel so big anymore. They had grown up; in the next few years, Ethan would be just as tall as me.
“Daddy, can I have ice cream? My voice hurts.” Dona hugged on to me.
“Sure,” I said, reaching for the phone. Wyatt reached over and handed it to me but didn’t say anything. “Thank you.”
We ate.
We talked.
We cried.
And then they fell asleep around me. I could do nothing but lay there listening to them breathe. It gave me peace; they were each little parts of her.
For the first time in six days, I didn’t need a drink to fall asleep.
DAY 7
“Dad, do you need help?”
I glanced at her as she stepped up beside me. I hadn’t gone back to our…Melody’s and my room. Instead, I had just spent the morning with Ethan, helping him get dressed in the new suit my mother had bought for him.
“Could you, please? I’m down a hand.” I smiled and turned to face her, not expecting her to know how to tie my tie. However, she reached up and flipped it perfectly, even pulling it up to my neck. “Who taught you how to do this?”
The smile on her face dropped and I wished I hadn’t asked. She had grown up so much, such a beautiful young woman now.
“Thank you, princess.” I kissed the top of her head. I grabbed my crutch and we walked out of the bathroom. Ethan was helping Wyatt put on his coat…we still hadn’t heard him speak. He was the first one up that morning, taking a shower by himself and even waking the rest of us up.
“You boys ready?” I asked.
“Yes,” Ethan muttered softly and Wyatt just looked at me. It sounded like they were really saying no and I didn’t blame them. Dona went over to him and wrapped her arms around his.
Knock knock.
“Come in.” I looked to the door.
Cora came in dressed in a black dress similar to Dona’s. She didn’t say anything, just came over to me and hugged me. I stood there for a second before hugging her back.
“Thank you for taking care of everything,” I whispered, knowing she and my mother wouldn’t let one thing go out of place.
“Of course.” She swallowed and turned back to the kids. She put a white jasmine on the boys’ coats and a bracelet around their wrist. Reaching into her bag, she also handed each one of them sunglasses.
“Once we get outside, keep them on until we get to…until you want to take them off.”
“Thank you, Aunt Cora,” Ethan replied. I expected her to move, but she didn’t; she hung her head and then pulled them into hugs.
“Your mother loved you all so much okay? So much,” she said, and I felt my throat close. I didn’t want to go. I couldn’t do this. But I stepped out into the hall with them.
“Brother.” Neal reached out to me, gripping my hand and standing tall. It had taken him a while to get used to the prosthetic leg, but now you couldn’t even tell.
“All of you go on ahead, we will be right behind you.” My mother stepped up beside me, her hand on my shoulder.
Dona looked as if she was about panic.
“I promise I’ll be right behind you,” I said to her.
“Come on, Dona.” Helen walked over to her, taking her hand, and it was then that I noticed all of the females were dressed in the different variations of Melody’s favorite black dress.
One by one they walked off before leaving me with my mother. She placed her hands on my face.
“Just get thr
ough today,” she whispered to me. “There is blood in there and sharks are circling round. You cannot forget you are the Ceann na Conairte. They need to see us standing strong.”
“The irony.” I glanced down at my busted arm and leg, but she lifted my head up.
“If Melody heard you talking like this, would she be proud to have you as her husband? Melody always loved you for your strength. Now is the most important time to show the Callahan family is just as ruthless…no, even more so now. If not, they will try to strike while you are down.”
I knew I was supposed to compose myself differently than everyone else, but I felt like I was on autopilot.
“O’Phelan,” she called our butler and he came over to me, handing me a cane and taking the crutches away. It hurt like a bitch but part of me welcomed the pain; it kept me up. Taking my arm out of the sling as well, I readjusted myself.
“Better.” She attempted to fix my hair. “Hold on to me and we’ll be fine.”
How did she do this? After Father? How did she go on for days, months, years, laughing and smiling…how did she keep living?
“Dad.” Dona ran over to me and I bit my lip to fight back the groan.
“Dona, be careful.” Ethan pulled her back, her eyes wide.
“Sorry—”
“I’m fine. Come on, let’s get in the car.” Wyatt was already seated and waiting. He rested his head on the window as the gates opened. All the gifts and notes had been taken down; when, I wasn’t sure, but I was grateful.
There were police cars waiting to escort us to the church…the irony. In all honesty, I had no idea what the world believed had happened a week before, nor what the Irish or Italians were saying. I didn’t really care…
The long drive went by so much quicker than usual; since the police had cleared the way, it only took ten minutes.
“I don’t want to go,” Ethan whispered.
Me either, the broken man in me wanted to say.
“We have to do things we don’t like Ethan; it’s part of being a leader.” I spit out that bullshit with ease, fixing my cuff links when the cars pulled to a stop…at the very same church we had been married in.
Who would have thought this was how it would end?
Like always, our family went to the very front pews, only a few feet from her casket.
“No,” Dona said when she saw Melody, closing her eyes.
“Cora,” I whispered. They didn’t need to see her like this…pale…cold… She understood and she signaled two men to come over and close it. Dona tucked her head into my coat and I let her. I didn’t wince, didn’t hide my face from all the eyes that were on me.
I am the Ceann na Conairte.
I am Liam Alec motherfucking Callahan.
And if I needed to remind them, I would.
The priest moved the podium. “We are here to celebrate the life and mourn the death of Melody Nicci Giovanni Callahan, a mother, a wife, and a hero.”
DECLAN
He had insisted on carrying her coffin into the hearse. He put the cane to the side and lifted her outside the church with us. He looked like a man made out of stone. Every part of him hardened…but I knew his physical pain was nothing in comparison to the emotional one. The only thing tying his feet to the floor was his kids.
But for a split second, when they begin to lower her down, I saw it in his eyes: he wanted to jump in too.
“Stop! Please stop!” Wyatt screamed, trying to run to the casket, but Liam held him firm as if he had already known Wyatt planned on doing it.
“Oh God.” Cora gasped beside me, tears pouring down her face as she squeezed my arm. “How? How can this be happening?”
My eyes shifted over to Sedric’s black tombstone just three spaces over, then my father’s right beside his; next to my father, my mother’s and my aunts’…how? How was this happening? The same way it had always happened, the same way it would continue to happen. We didn’t lose the targets on our backs when we fell in love or had a family. Love means shit to those in the mafia. This wasn’t a fairytale, bad shit happens, it’s life, it’s horrible, it’s tragic…but shit happens.
I was younger than they were when I lost both my parents.
There is a price for love. There is a price for power…and at some point we all have to pay it. That’s how it goes.
I wanted to tell her this, explain the darkness, but instead I did what all the mafia husbands had done before me: I lied and made a promise.
“I don’t know how it could have happened, but I will protect you until my last breath.” It was all I could do.
TWENTY-SEVEN
“The song is ended, but the melody lingers on…”
~ Irving Berlin
LIAM
DAY 7
It was dark out by the time we came home and my mother walked in with Wyatt because of my shoulder. He was awake but all the screaming and crying he had done at the burial had tired him out. He could barely walk straight on his own. We all walked into Ethan’s room and he just lay on the bed.
“I have something to tell you all,” my mother said, sitting down beside Wyatt as Dona crawled into the middle. It was funny; they were almost teenagers, but whenever any of them were upset, they all stayed together.
“Before your mother…passed…she asked me to read you a letter.” She reached into her purse and pulled out a piece of paper. My heart started to race.
All of them sat up.
“Can I read it now?” She looked at each of them, but they didn’t answer.
“Please,” I whispered, desperately wanting to hear it.
The paper crackled as she unfolded it, and she took a deep breath before reading.
“Le mie piccoli leoni…” She paused. “Did I say that right?”
“It means my little lions.” Ethan smiled. “And no you didn’t, Nana, but it’s okay, keep reading.”
“Yes, sir.” She tapped his nose. “Le mie piccoli leoni, I’m so sorry I am not with you. I can only imagine the pain in your hearts right now, how angry and confused, but most of all sad you are. I’m sad too…because if I was a better mom I could be with you all forever. I’d watch Dona grow and date and laugh as you boys and your father became protective. I’d get to see your father try and calm me down if a woman ever tried to replace me in your hearts, Ethan and Wyatt. In my mind, there are so many happy dreams I wish were memories. I want to be with you all so badly. I never knew I could love anyone as much as I love the three of you. You all are my heart. The only moments of my life that I regret are the days I didn’t spend with you. I gave Nana many letters, letters I learned from your grandfather Sedric to write. I have a couple for each of you and when the time is right, she’ll pass them along. No, Ethan, you can’t read them now, and Wyatt and Dona, you won’t be able to find them by yourself.”
My mother paused to stare at their stunned faces. Those would be their reactions; if anyone knew them well, it would be Melody.
“Ethan, my first treasure, remember even on your worst days that you are my son and that means nothing is impossible for you. Yes, taking care of your siblings is important, even if Wyatt annoys you—”
“Hey! He’s the one that annoys me.” He sulked, sounding like himself for the first time in days.
“Let her finish,” Ethan snapped back at him.
“Yes, taking care of your siblings is important, even if Wyatt annoys you, but you also need to take care of yourself. Your happiness is important too, and yes, you should be happy. I don’t want you all moping around; that will only make me sad. Wyatt, my precious, remember you are just as good as your brother and sister. Your father has no favorites and you are important. Ethan needs his little brother, who else will watch his back? You always say Ethan’s a know-it-all—”
“I am not!” Ethan cut in this time and Wyatt grinned, sticking his tongue out.
“Know-it-alls sometimes can’t see the smaller picture, so help him see, Wyatt. Lastly my Don Don, the new queen of the castle, you have
the most important job there because boys are idiots.”
“HEY!” Both Wyatt and Ethan called out as I laughed. Of course, Mel.
“They fight because it’s easier than taking the time to talk it out and often say what they don’t mean. It will be hard, but if anyone can keep Ethan and Wyatt in check, it is you. You, Donatella, have Italian and Irish blood in your veins; prove it to them the next time they make you angry…you may even become green.” Dona giggled, wrapping her arms around her brothers, who were both still sulking. “Also Don Don, give your father a hug as often as you can. He lives for those precious seconds…don’t forget it, when you are a teenager and he’s fighting you over makeup, okay?”
“Okay,” she replied as if Melody were sitting in front them. In a way, she kinda was.
“I love you all so much. Growing up tall, powerful, and beautiful shouldn’t be a problem for you all; it’s in your genes…so stay healthy, and remember I will always watch out for you.”
That was it. The vision we all saw of Mel in the moment drifted off and when it did, so did the smiles on their faces…not completely, but it was like they realized all over again she wasn’t really there. They were better than before, but this would never heal…
“Let’s go to bed,” I said to them, lifting the sheets up for them to crawl under.
“Dad, we don’t need to be tucked in.” Ethan made a face, grabbing a book off his side of the table to read.
“Speak for yourself.” Dona grinned proudly, lifting her arms like she was five again.
“Goodnight, Dad,” Wyatt muttered, lifting his arms too, his cheeks red.
“I’ll be back later, now sleep.” I kissed Dona’s forehead, placing my hands on their foreheads.
Limping around the bed, the pain in my leg getting much worse, I moved to the front of the room with my mother.
“Mel had a note for you too…I put it in your room, along with stronger meds.” She kissed my cheek. “I love you, sweetheart.”
“Love you too, Ma.”
Closing the door behind her, I put my head against it, debating whether or not to go. My heart couldn’t take much more today…I was barely hanging on.
