Slowly his arms wrapped about her too as his face buried into her neck. “I didn’t expect your response to be sympathetic. I—”
She shook her head. “I told you I lost my parents when I was thirteen. They left a giant hole in my heart and in my life.”
“Try to understand, Charlie. I was responsible for them. Both of them. And I failed.” He shuddered against her and she held him tighter.
“You can’t be responsible for that. That is life.”
He leaned away then. “I suppose it is. But you have to know that I’ve coped with that loss by being a rake of the first order.”
That made her smile, just a bit. “And I’ve been an angel since the loss of my parents.”
His eyes twinkled a bit as he stared at her. “Well, until me, you were doing all right. But I did note, you try to fill the void in your heart with parties and suitors and adventure.” He squeezed her tighter.
“Yes,” she answered a tear coming to her eye. “But the thing I am beginning to understand is that all of those are temporary. They come and they go and then I am left aching again.”
He leaned back then, looking down into her face. “And what would be more permanent?”
She swallowed a lump. “I think that you could.”
He cupped her face in his hand, giving her the smallest kiss. “Sweet Charlie, I tried to warn you. I am not permanent. You can’t think of me like that.”
His words cut through her as she slowly loosened her arms and eased back onto the bed.
He wanted to be a different man. Raithe scrubbed his cheek as he looked down at Charlie, hurt pulling at the corners of her mouth and eyes. “When she died, Charlie, I promised myself that I’d never marry again. That I wouldn’t tarnish her memory by going on and having the family she never would.”
Charlie shook her head. Her fingers, trembling, reached out to his. “The more I allow myself to think about my parents, the more I wonder if the best thing I could to honor them is to find a wonderful man who makes me happy and marry him. Start a family.” She raised up again, stepping off the bed. “Has it occurred to you that you might honor her with your future?”
His chest ached as his fists clenched. “I wouldn’t honor her by being happy with another woman.”
“I think you would. Far more than being a rake. She would be unhappy, I’d bet, to know that you didn’t cherish a woman but used lots of them.”
Those words hit him like a fist in the chest. Worse than any blow Craven had dealt during their sparring session. They rang with a truth that was difficult to deny. Jenni was a good woman, and she’d want him to lead a good life. Hell, she’d wanted him to be a father. Did he honor her by not having children?
He looked down at Charlie. She wanted to be cherished, did she? Somehow, he wanted that too, to hold Charlie close to his body and rock her as she broke apart in his arms.
Raithe knew that wasn’t what she’d meant. But thinking about her words caused that ache to pulse deep in his chest and he felt this driving need to be close to Charlie, as though her body would provide the balm for the aches deep in his soul. “Sit back on the bed.”
Her brows drew together but, as she assessed him, her gaze slid down his body and her eyes widened again. Belatedly he realized even thinking about her finish had caused his cock to stand at attention once again.
“Raithe?”
“This was not part of the agreement, sharing our pasts, our feelings.”
She took a step back raising her hands. “Technically, your demonstrations weren’t part of the bargain either.”
He captured her hand and pulled Charlie toward him. “You sealed a bargain with a known debaucher with a kiss, Lady Charlotte. This was always going to happen. Why don’t you lie back and enjoy it?”
She swallowed. “I know that I let you lift my skirts but…”
“Charlie.” He grazed a kiss down her temple. “You let me look at your whole beautiful world and I want more.”
“Yes but…” She touched his chest, her hand shaking. “I have to be able to marry, Raithe. I’ve only just realized that was the answer and I can’t ruin my chances now.”
“Do you want to marry me?” The question was out before he’d thought it through. He lifted her, then lay her on the bed, drawing up her skirts once again. He’d seen and now he wanted to taste.
“Yes,” she said the single word falling between them. “I do.”
He leaned down, placing a kiss on the inside of her knee. He wanted to marry her too. Keep her all for himself. “Charlie,” he groaned, sliding his hands up her thighs, her skin silky against his much rougher hands.
“Do you want to marry me?” she whispered even as he kissed her thigh.
Everything in him tightened in longing. Yes. He wanted to marry her. He knew that, now. But he wasn’t sure it changed anything. Instead of answering, he placed a soft kiss on her mound, light and so tender. She bucked against him, gasping for breath.
He kissed her again and then reached his tongue to flick her soft folds, parting them just a bit.
She moaned as her hips arched up. His own body was so tight with wanting that he moaned with her. Did he want to marry her? He was beginning to believe she was like air. He needed her to breathe.
Her words replayed in his head even as her scent surrounded him, pulling him deeper into his adoration. Could he still honor Jenni and marry Charlie?
Starting a rhythm with his tongue, he held her hips in his hands, her fingers finding his hair and scratching into his scalp.
Sweet Charlie. Her body was climbing higher and as she neared her finish, he slid one of his fingers inside and she exploded around him.
He closed his eyes, just feeling this beautiful woman surrounding him.
“Raithe?” her voice trembled on the single word.
“Yes, love?” He kissed her thigh again, marveling at the softness.
“You never answered my question.”
He leaned up, meeting her hazel eyes. “I didn’t.”
Slowly, she pulled herself up onto her elbows. Her face was flushed, her eyes glassy. “Do you want to marry me?”
He shook his head, his insides heavy and aching. “Charlie. I’m not sure I can.”
She sat up then, pulling her skirts down. Pain lanced her face, as her eyes pulled taut in pain. “You’re not sure?”
“You are so perfect, love. It’s just that—”
“You told me your reasons.” She slipped off the bed, turning away from him. “I won’t seek you out again.”
Chapter Twelve
Charlie’s body ached. Her head, her stomach, her heart. She’d gone to Raithe’s room with her heart on her sleeve, and he’d politely declined the organ. He’d touched her, of course. What had she expected from a rake really?
She’d covered her mouth with her hands. Her education with a rake was complete. He’d taught her, exactly as he’d promised, all of the benefits and certainly all of the drawbacks. At least, she supposed, he hadn’t deflowered her. All wasn’t lost in terms of her future but as far as love went, she held back a fresh wave of tears, she might be ruined forever.
The sun slowly set, the sky growing darker with each passing minute. She should dress for dinner but she didn’t have the heart. Instead, she sent word down that she wasn’t feeling well and requested a tray in her room. Then she lay back on her bed.
Her mind began to spin once again. She’d be alone forever. Her brother had found his happily ever after, and so had her cousin. Only she’d be left to fend for herself, no one to protect her from the world. No one to love her.
Her eyes squeezed shut as she lay on her bed, an ocean breeze filling the room from the doors out onto the balcony.
“Charlie,” a deep voice called from the shadows.
Her heart squeezed in her chest. Raithe. “Go away,” she replied. “I don’t want to see you.”
He stepped into the room. “Well. I need to see you.”
“Why?” She shook her h
ead, frowning. “You haven’t completely finished rejecting me?”
“Charlie.” He crossed over to the bed. “I wasn’t rejecting you. My past. It holds me in place. I…”
She lifted her head, raising up on her arms. Her eyes were puffy and she likely looked dreadful but she didn’t care. “Do all rakes have a dark and painful past that makes them who they are?”
One side of his mouth turned up. “I don’t know. My guess is some of them are just bad.”
She nodded. “That makes sense. I’d like to imagine the ones with secret pain are the ones that can heal, but in your case…” She paused, swinging her feet over the other side of the bed so that the entire mattress would separate them, “that doesn’t seem to be the case.”
“Did you intend to reform me?” he asked, leaning down on the bed.
She looked down at the floor. “No. Of course not. I just…” She’d fallen in love. Her hands pressed to her stomach. “I just wanted to get to know you. To learn and to—”
“You wanted to fill your own void, Charlie. Loss has changed you too. Do you think your demons are something you can let go? Can you not go chasing trouble every time you’re hurt or lonely?”
Her hands clenched into fists. “I’m here, aren’t I? In this bed, letting my feelings out instead of running from them.”
He dropped his hands to his sides. “So you are.”
“What do you want?”
He shook his head. “I hate how we left things between us. Despite what you think, I care for you and I want the best—”
A loud knock filled the room. Chase yelled from the hall, “Charlie. Is everything all right?”
“Fine,” she called back, turning toward the door. “I’ve just got a headache. That’s all.”
“Open the door,” Chase said, even louder. “I need to see you.”
She spun back around to Raithe. “You’d better go,” she whispered.
He gave a stiff nod but as he turned, Lord Craven entered the bedroom from the same balcony Raithe had just come through. “I beg to differ. Lord Balstead isn’t going anywhere.”
Raithe closed his eyes for just a split second. This was perfect.
It wasn’t his most courageous move in his life, but being caught here, they’d force the match. Somehow, being forced to marry Charlie was different from making the choice. He didn’t decide to move on from Jenni. Fate would take care of the decision for him. His shoulders slumped as he let out a long breath of air. “Open the door, Charlie. Let His Grace in.”
Craven cleared his throat. “At least you’re being a man about it.”
“You expected less?” He turned back to look at Craven. He’d never been fond of the man in their meetings in London, but here, he found he admired him at least. Like might be a bit strong, but Craven was direct, a man’s man willing to fight for what was his.
Craven dropped his chin, staring at Raithe. “Not after seeing you box.”
The Duke of Rathmore entered the room, followed by Lord Crestwood. Rathmore stepped in front of Charlie. “What are you doing in my cousin’s room?”
Raithe knew he was about to take a beating. He wasn’t scared, just prepared. “Well, most recently, I was apologizing.”
“For?” Craven asked behind him.
He cleared his throat but Charlie skirted around Rathmore. “For hurting my feelings. I declared my affection and Lord Balstead informed me he wasn’t the sort for me.”
Something inside Raithe melted. Even now she defended him, trying to protect him. The little minx. He scrubbed the back of his neck. He was in love with her. She was beautiful and innocent but brave and strong too.
“By coming into your room?” Rathmore’s lip curled. “You’re not actually going to make a case that he is a gentleman?”
Color flared in Charlie’s cheeks as she raised a finger into Rathmore’s face. “Don’t you even, Chase. I know there was a picnic where you and Ophelia snuck out and went down to the beach.” Then her finger swept across the other men. “What would happen if I asked your ladies how well you upheld your gentlemanly duties? Did you wait until you were engaged to steal a kiss?”
To his complete amazement, he watched the other men’s heads drop. Was she shaming them into backing down? “It’s all right, Charlie. You don’t have to defend me.”
“That’s right,” Craven answered. “It’s different because Balstead isn’t a man who can be redeemed. And you’ve painted yourself into a corner by having to wed him. He’ll never be a good hus—”
“Enough.” Charlie slashed her hand through the air. “You don’t know that.”
“You don’t know,” Rathmore answered. “Even among rakes, Balstead is…” The other man looked at Raithe. His insides tightened because he deserved every word.
“I have been as bad as they come, but that does not mean I am beyond redemption.” He drew up his shoulders. “I’d like to offer for Charlie. I’ll make my offer to you, Rathmore, in Hartwell’s place.”
“No.” The word didn’t come from Rathmore but from Charlie herself. High and feminine the single word cut through the air. “I refuse the offer.”
“You don’t have a choice, Charlie,” Rathmore grated out. “You were alone with this man. It’s that or ruin.”
“Which one of you is going to tell society about my indiscretion?”
No, no, no. He silently pleaded. Just let it happen, Charlie. It’s better this way. But she didn’t seem to hear him, even in the silence as not one man responded to her question.
“Which one of you is going to see me ruined? I’ll choose spinsterhood before I allow you to force me into this. I’m not afraid anymore.” Then she looked at him, crossing the short distance between them. “I’m not afraid anymore.”
He squeezed her fingers. “I am trying to be as brave as you.”
She gave a curt nod. “I know. I appreciate that.”
“Charlie,” Rathmore called from behind her. “It’s time for you to go.”
“What?” She let go of his hand and spun back around. “I’m not going anywhere. This is my room, and furthermore, we’re discussing my future.”
“Crestwood,” Rathmore said, “See my cousin out, please.”
“No.” Charlie crossed her arms, then she looked back at him. “Don’t let them do this.”
He reached for her then, pulling her into his arms and wrapping her in a hug, grazing a kiss on the top of her head. Despite her best efforts the men had decided and he wasn’t going to stop them. “They’re right, love. You should go. We’ll get it all sorted.”
She jerked back, accusation in her narrowed glare. “We won’t. I’ll not marry you. Not like this.”
“This is the way, love,” he said, trying to reach for her again, but she stepped back.
“Not for me, it isn’t.” Then she reached up her hand and gave his chest a tiny push. “You have to stop running from your feelings too.” Then she spun about and stormed out of the room.
Chapter Thirteen
Charlie stomped through the house, marching toward the music room where the rest of the family assembled. But at the last moment, she veered off and made her way to the foyer. She couldn’t be social now. Which was odd for her.
But rather than pretend to laugh and be gay, she opened the front door and headed out of the house, toward the path to the beach. This time, she wasn’t looking for a distraction. She didn’t need to be entertained. This time, she was going to sit in a dark, quiet place, all alone, listen to the water and…remember.
Remember the way her mother had rocked her as a child, and how she missed that touch so deeply it hurt. She could still hear the soft lilt of her mother’s voice as she sang Charlie a soft lullaby. Of course, her mother would have never consented to her daughter being called Charlie. She’d have insisted on Charlotte no matter how brash or bold her daughter could be.
She’d remember how her father had taken her on his horse and trotted her around the yard as they both laughed and bounced to
gether.
Pictures of family dinners where her parents allowed her to talk incessantly of her day, her lessons, her wish to be a boy and go trotting off on an adventure. Like a pirate or a highwayman.
Charlie stopped along the path as she remembered the loneliness that had nearly engulfed her when she’d learned that their ship had gone down while crossing the channel and she remembered how her brother had been too struck by his own grief and likely the burden of taking on the title to console her. She’d been so very alone.
And now, she felt that keen sense of not belonging again.
But she wouldn’t fill that hurt with meaningless parties and half-baked attempts at adventure. She’d face that fear, cry, and try to find a way forward. In some ways, she’d been exactly like Raithe. Afraid to move on.
But Charlie was ready for the future now. She just wished she was moving forward with Raithe. And not some forced sham marriage. Because what she wanted was a family filled with love, and tenderness, and laughter. Like hers had been. And she’d never get that if Chase made Raithe consent. He had to choose her in order for them to have the sort of life she dreamed of. Anything less would be its own sort of heartbreak.
Reaching the beach, she started for the little hideaway they’d been in yesterday. She’d be safe there, tucked away from the wind and the tide. Her own little place to figure out the right path forward. Was it with Raithe? Her heart cried out yes even as she winced. He was hurt too, and that was a lot of grief to bring into a new relationship. What was the best way to proceed? Did she try to convince Raithe love had grown between them?
Or perhaps she’d refuse to take part in the wedding? Would she run away? No. She was tired of running. She’d simply refuse to say her vows, make a public display of being silent until… a strange noise caught her ears.
It sounded like scraping or dragging.
“Where’s that cave?” a man grunted as more noise filtered her way.
“Just over there, I think.” Another called back.
Romancing the Rake: Seven Regency Romances Page 53
