“So sweet, she’s a lucky girl, Tate.”
**
“Hey, babe. Fuck, I’ve missed the sound of your voice. Did you see the episode of Stray Dogs?”
“You were amazing. If this football gig doesn’t work out, you could always go Hollywood,” she teases.
Her laughter carries over the line wrapping around me.
“I wish you could have been there during the taping. I was so nervous doing it with a live audience.”
“I can’t imagine you getting nervous about anything. So hey, I have to fly out soon.”
Again? So soon. “Didn’t you just get back?”
“Yes, but this is a private appearance…”
“Oh. What kind of private performance?”
“I got you a front row seat. I’m going to text you the address. Hold on.”
“Okay.” I put her on speaker and wait for her text. My eyes light up seeing my address.
A knock sounds at my door. I rush through my apartment and swing the door open without checking to see who it is. I can feel her.
I drop my phone as she tackle hugs me.
“I can’t believe you’re here.”
God, she feels so good in my arms.
“I missed you so much, and I had a little time off, so I called Courtney to have her find out when you’d be around, and ta da, I’m here.”
“I missed you too. This is the best surprise ever. Are you staying until after Christmas?” I ask her, sounding hopeful.
“No, I only have a week, but I do have the whole week of Christmas off too, so it won’t be too long between visits again. At least not for a while.” She looks worried, almost sad.
“It’s going to be okay, Amaya. I know you don’t like the distance between us, I hate it myself, but it will work out. I promise.”
“Yeah, I know.” Her voice sounds so small right now.
I put my fingers under her chin and lean down for a kiss. “I love you,” I say when my lips touch hers.
“I love you too, always.”
Chapter 30
Amaya
E
very time Tate looks at me I feel guilty. I hate keeping secrets. We’ve always been upfront with each other. We don’t keep secrets. Well, we didn’t until now.
I know I need to tell him. But he looks so damn happy tonight. I managed to get a week off to spend with him. He has a couple of practices this week, but his schedule is clear. It’s a miracle. Sexting and Skype only does so much, and it doesn’t replace the real thing.
He takes my hand and kisses my knuckles. “I love you so much.”
“I love you most,” I say, hoping the crack in my voice doesn’t give my thoughts away.
“It feels amazing to have you here. People were starting to think you’re a ghost or that I made you up.”
I shake my head. I know he needs more from me, but how do I give him more without one of us sacrificing everything?
Tex raises his beer and makes a toast. “To good food, good friends, and Amaya getting her ass where it belongs.”
“For now,” Court blurts out in a snippy tone.
“What’s that about?” Tate asks, seeing the look of horror on my face.
I’ll kill her.
“It’s nothing.”
“Looks like more than nothing by your expression. What’s going on?”
“We’ll talk, later. Okay?”
He chews his lip and scratches the back of his neck. “Yeah, sure.”
Courtney mouth’s an apology at me but I ignore her. I can’t believe her. I know she wants me happy and thinks I won’t be, without Tate. Sometimes I believe she’s right but then my self-doubt creeps in, and I wonder what if? I hate this. What we’re doing isn’t working, and I don’t know how to make things work. I came here hoping to be able to reach a decision. But is it fair of me to decide without getting his perspective and expecting him to go along with what I decide?
I shovel my food around on my plate pretending to eat. I can’t hide from Tate. He sees through my performance. Maybe I should spend this week treating it like I decided to choose Tate. If things go good then I’ll know I should let the overseas dream go.
“Dessert?” Tate asks.
I shake my head and Courtney drops her fork loudly on her plate. “Amaya, bathroom.”
“I don’t need to go,” I whisper politely.
“I’m not asking.” She throws her napkin on the table with a huff.
I smile at Tate and Tex. “Guess I am going to the bathroom. Excuse me.”
Tate grabs my hand tight. “Are we okay?”
“Never better,” I lie.
I follow Courtney to the bathroom and as soon as we get in the door she spins around and lays into me. “What are you doing, Am?”
“What are you talking about?” I cross my arms over my chest.
“You. You know exactly what I’m talking about. Tate loves you. I mean he really loves you, Amaya. The guy would give you the world in the palm of your hands if you asked him to and you are just stringing him along.”
“I don’t need this shit from you right now. Don’t you think I wish I could give Tate everything he wants. Everything he deserves. I love him!” Tears threaten to spill down my face.
“Then what are you doing, Amaya?”
“I don’t know,” I whisper. “I don’t know…”
“Am,” she whispers softly.
“I’m not going to make a decision without talking to him first, you know this. That’s why I’m here this week. They want their answer in nine days, I’ve delayed them long enough and they need to know. I owe it to Tate to talk to him about it. If I stay, I’ll still rarely get to see him, Court. He travels almost as much as I do.” When I start to cry, Courtney comes and hugs me. “I love him so much. I don’t want to lose him. But you know this is my dream, it has been since we were kids.”
“I know, just spend the next few days with just you and Tate, forget about all this, and then talk to him. I’m sure he’ll be understanding, and he’ll help you decide.”
We redo our faces, and chat for a few minutes before going back out, just to make sure the guys don’t know we’ve been crying.
**
I wake up to the sounds of Tate going through drawers. I didn’t think he had anything on for today, so I’m confused. “What’s going on?” I ask through a yawn.
He starts and looks back at me with wide eyes. “Shit, Amaya. Sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you.”
“Don’t worry about it, I asked what was going on?”
He smiles so bright I want to jump on him. “I got called to fly to LA tonight, they set me up on some talk show about my career and life. So, I need to hurry up. My plane leaves in two hours.”
My heart sinks. “When will you be back?” I only have three more days here before I have to be back in San Fran to give over my decision.
“Just today and tomorrow, I’ll be home day after tomorrow at the latest. And then we still have a full day of just the two of us. I promise. This wasn’t something planned, I got the call at four this morning.”
This is what I was afraid of. Now on my last day here, I’ll have to let him know, let him know I’m leaving him, and fuck that hurts.
I put on a fake smile, wishing him luck, giving him a kiss, and go back to bed. Sinking down in the covers, I look at the pictures he has up around the room and I want to cry.
I could give up my career, my dream for him, but I would always be alone. I love Tate more than anything, but sometimes, love isn’t enough. He’s rushing around now packing, and was he even going to wake me up to tell me?
He leaves by giving me a quick kiss to the forehead. What on earth was that? I lay in his bed, thinking. Is our relationship really as strong as we thought? He was going to leave without telling me, didn’t really even kiss me goodbye. Hell, he’s barely even made time for me when he isn’t playing games or at practice.
After thinking for an hour, I roll out of bed and grab my phone
, hitting call on my mom’s name.
“Hey, sweetheart. Are you and Tate having a good week?”
“Mom.” My voice croaks.
“What is it? What’s wrong?”
“I think I’m going to accept the position.”
“But, what about your father and me? What about you and Tate?”
“I think Tate and I are breaking up. We’re just too busy in our own lives right now, it’s not working,” I tell her tearfully.
“Baby,” she whispers. “Does he know? Have you talked to him about this?”
“No, and I probably won’t have time to now. He left this morning, and if I hadn’t woken up, he wouldn’t have woken me to tell me. He’s just so busy, living his dream. And I can’t ask him to stop living his dream. Mom, I know you and Daddy never wanted dance to be my career, but you know how much this is my dream. I’m living it, I’m loving it. And this tour is the next big thing. And now with Tate doing all he wants, never asking for my advice or opinion, I don’t think I owe it to him anymore to ask him for his.”
I haven’t even gotten to tell him about the weird deliveries and notes I’ve been receiving. I haven’t even told Courtney. But every week, sometimes twice a week, I get a strange gift with some word note, saying it’s from my biggest fan. The truth is, I am afraid to tell anyone about them. That makes them more of a threat. If I don’t acknowledge them, maybe they will stop.
Mom is quiet for a while. “I understand your side, sweetie, I do. How about before you head out on this international tour, you come swing by home first, so we can at least say goodbye to you.”
I think on this a moment, and then agree. “Do you think you could pull some strings to get my ticket changed to tomorrow? I’m not due to leave for another few days, but there is no point in staying, since Tate isn’t here anyway.”
“Yeah, baby. I can do that. I’ll text you to let you know what time to be at the airport tomorrow.”
“Okay, Mom. Thank you. Love you.”
“Love you too. Bye.”
I put my phone down beside me on the bed and just simply cry.
This is it.
Tate and I are over, and I don’t know how to feel.
I’m numb.
Chapter 31
Tate
I
got home a day earlier than planned and go directly to Amaya. I hate that I was called away from our week together.
I walk into my place and don’t see her, but I hear noises coming from my bedroom. I smile and go directly there. “Babe,” I say pushing open the door slightly.
My heart drops when I see her packing already. “What are you doing?”
She jumps at my voice and turns to me, tears in her eyes. “You’re home early.” Is all she says.
“What’s going on, Amaya? You’ve been off this week, and what, you were going to leave before I even got home?” My heart is racing, I don’t like this feeling.
“I got offered a dream come true, and I’ve decided to accept it.”
“Okay, why couldn’t you just tell me this before? That’s great, I’m happy for you. You know I always wanted to see you achieve everything you’ve ever wanted.”
“It’s two years, international.”
My legs give out and I stumble slightly catching the wall before I drop. She’s leaving me. Part of me understands, I’m always so busy. Hell, this week was supposed to be all about us, and instead I’ve been swamped with my own career. She took time from her own career to be with me, and I couldn’t even take a break to be with her. Fuck. I fucked up. I fucked up bad. No, I more than fucked up.
I’m losing her.
I feel like I can’t breathe. Two years. Two fucking years. I swipe my hand across the dresser knocking the picture frames to the floor.
“Tate,” she says hoarsely.
“Yeah,” I choke out afraid of the words she’s going to say. We both know this isn’t working for either of us. I don’t know what to do or say. I love her but our timing is off. This week was supposed to be special, instead she’s been acting not like herself, then of course, I had to leave for that interview. We’re in different places. Our lives keep heading in different directions. She needs to finish school. I want her to pursue her dream of dancing professional ballet. She’s been so supportive of me making it to pro.
“This…I can’t do this anymore. I never see you. You never have time to take my calls. Or when I call it’s too late with the time difference. I’m happy for you. I am, and I’m not asking you to change or give anything up. I’d never do that to you. So, I’m asking you to let me go,” she spits the last sentence out with a guttural sob, and I lose it.
I grab her in my arms and hold her tight. We sink to the floor and I kiss her, her tears sliding inside my mouth.
She kisses me between her sobs, and I know I have to give her what she wants…what she needs me to do right now. It’s killing me, but she’s right. We can’t keep doing this to each other.
“I’m sorry, Amaya. I love you, you’re right, this isn’t working anymore, for either of us,” I say the words that have been haunting me for the past month.
“I love you too, Tate. I always will.” She cries into my shirt, breaking me apart from the inside out.
I stroke her back as she clings to me. I’m afraid if I let her go, she’ll disappear altogether.
“Promise me, you’ll keep in touch. No matter what, I’ll always be here for you. I don’t care what hour or day it is. If you need me, I’ll be there,” I vow. I never knew that love could hurt like this. I feel like someone is raking nails through my veins as I watch her slip away and pray that it isn’t for good. Because one day, when we’re both settled, I know we can find our way back.
“I promise. As long as you promise the same.” She cries.
Amaya kisses me and her lips tremble against mine. This all feels so wrong, but I can’t stop it. I can’t take it back now. This is the last time I’ll be able to make love to my girl, and I’m taking advantage of it right now.
I kiss her tenderly, taking all that I can. Soaking up every single ounce of her I can to hold onto. I brush her hair back from her face. Unshed tears glitter in her eyes, and I just want to take the pain away from her, from both of us right now.
Gently, I pull her shirt over her head and unclasp her bra. She lays back on the floor, and I ease her yoga pants down her slender legs, revealing her gorgeous body that belongs to me. It will always be mine. She will always be mine, no matter where life takes her, she’ll be marked by me.
I shove my pants down, already eager to be inside her.
I take my time, kissing her all over, from toe to head before we make love. It feels like it’s for the last time, and I have to choke back the urge to tell her “no, that she can’t go.” Instead, I push inside her so damn deep as her legs circle around me.
As I pump into her, the tears I’ve been holding back fall freely. With my head cradled against her neck, I whisper how much I love her. What I don’t say though, is how much I need her, and how badly I wish she’d choose me. I desperately need her to take it all back and choose me—us.
Nothing or no one will ever compare.
I know she feels it too as she hiccups a sob, saying, “I love you, baby. I love you so much.”
Our bodies move together, slick with sweat and tears. I’m unraveling from every seam. It’s not supposed to be this way. She’s my big bang. My forever.
I thrust deep inside her, hard but slow, not wanting this to end. I’m not ready to give her up, but deep down I know I have to. It’s the right thing to do, but I want to be selfish. I want her to be here with me.
“I’m sorry, Tate.”
“Me too, baby. Me too.” I pull out and slam back in. She clenches around me finding her release and I soon follow.
I’m exhausted by the time I get off, both mentally and physically.
We get dressed quietly, tears still covering her face.
“I’ll wait for you, Amaya. Whateve
r it takes,” I swear, and she nods, pulling her rollaway through the door.
Chapter 32
Amaya
Tate wanted to drive me to the airport, but I told him no. If I allowed him to, I might not have been strong enough to get on this plane. I’m doing this for both of us. That’s what I keep telling myself as I stare blankly out the window, brushing my stray tears away. I love him so much it hurts down in my bones. I’m hurting so damn deep, that I’m not sure I will ever get past this.
I don’t know what I’m doing. Tate won’t wait for me. He’ll fall in love with some cheerleader or something, and all I will be…is a forgotten memory. A girl he used to bang. Grief floods me as I put my earbuds in and let music take me away.
I lay my head back and close my eyes. All I can see is Tate’s hurt expression. The tears staining his cheeks. I press my fingers to my lips still feeling our goodbye kiss and wishing I could bottle it up forever. My tears fall steady as rain as I look back on our relationship. I don’t think I will ever have that again. I don’t want it. It hurts too much.
Fuck love.
Fuck Tate King.
I want to hate him so much right now. I wanted him to chase after me. I wanted him to tell me to stay. I wanted him to get down on one knee and ask me to be his wife. I wanted him to tell me to go off the pill and have his baby. I wanted all that, but I didn’t tell him. I should have told him, but we are so young. He’s just getting started in his career. He wouldn’t have the time to dedicate to me and a baby. That would be way too much pressure.
If Tate wanted those things too, he sure had a funny way of showing me.
But still I needed him to choose for me. To force me to stay. I needed to hear the words. Instead he let me go. Maybe he was already looking for an out.
I’m so lost. I feel split in two. And right now, more than anything, I want my mom.
I need someone, anyone to tell me I did the right thing by getting on this plane. I feel like I just made the biggest mistake of my life, and I’m too proud to change it. I’m too proud to say I’m, sorry. I wanted him to choose me. I wanted him to meet me halfway.
Sacking The Player Page 15
