Pushing herself to her feet, she paused at the entrance to the tent. “That will never change, Graham. Never.”
Sleep was impossible. Graham tossed and turned all night with Leelah’s words tumbling over and over in his mind. She loved him yet she was asking nothing in return.
Never had he met a woman like her before. How on earth could she love him, with all her heart, yet expect nothing from him? The only sensible explanation was that she was daft. Insane. Not right in her mind. Mayhap she had suffered an injury to her head at some point in her life.
Graham knew himself to be an unlovable bastard. Grouchy, prone to drinking, gambling, and living life completely on his own. It had been years, more than a decade, since he had possessed any desire to have anyone love him. And for good reason.
Deirdre had loved him and no good came of it. That mistakenly placed love and affection for him had cost her dearly. It had cost her everything.
On the morrow, they’d be one step closer to Keith lands. A place he longed for but avoided at all costs.
Memories of Deirdre haunted his heart.
As a young man, he had truly believed himself in love with the bonny Deirdre MacFarland. Older and wiser now, he realized ’twas naught more than a youthful enthusiastic infatuation. Still, he would have done right by her. He would have married her if only he had known just how angry her father was. When the auld man learned his youngest daughter had given her heart over to a Keith—one of their most hated enemies …
The cost of his youthful enchantment had cost many lives.
“Ye have no right to a second chance, Graham Keith. No right at all.”
9
Graham was losing what little patience he had left.
They had arrived at the Gordon border in the early morning hours. Because Randall Gordon kept his borders as well guarded as Graham’s own father did, they were forced to wait. One of the Gordon warriors had left to seek permission from their laird to grant passage for Graham and his little family.
’Twas now long after the nooning meal and his frustration was building. The longer they stayed here, the more likely it was his father, mother, and the rest of his family would learn of his presence.
The children were playing quietly in a small clearing surrounded by ancient trees. The Gordon warriors stayed a safe distance away but kept a watchful eye on the children as well as the adults.
Graham stayed remote from everyone, pacing on the opposite side from where the children were playing, He paced back and forth near a wide, flat rock. They were surrounded on all sides by more of those tall, thick ancient trees and more Gordon warriors than made him comfortable. He hoped these men remembered they were allies with the Keiths. At least he hoped that was still the case. Because he’d been gone from home these many years, things could have changed.
Leelah had just finished cleaning up the remnants of their nooning meal. God’s bones, but the woman was beautiful. Little wisps of her chestnut hair had fallen from her braid. Were he a more deserving man, he would have taken some enjoyment by tucking those strands behind her ears before giving her a kiss. Were he a better man, he would have found the courage to give her the words of his heart.
She must have sensed he was staring at her, for she turned around and smiled at him. Oh, it wasn’t the brilliant smile she had given him days ago. ’Twas more the kind of smile one gives to the ill—love with just a hint of pity.
There was nowhere for him to hide when she approached him. Taking on the air of a man with a stone-cold heart, he didn’t acknowledge her presence. He even pretended he didn’t see her climb on the flat rock nor watch with a lascivious mind as she tucked her skirts under her ankles.
“Their keep must be a good distance away for this to be takin’ so long,” she said.
He replied with a shrug of indifference.
“Did ye get enough to eat?” she asked.
If she thought she would somehow manage to cajole him out of his foul mood with small talk, she was sadly mistaken. He gave her his back, feigning interest in something in the distance.
Graham’s foul mood was growing wearisome. Leelah was beginning to lose patience with him as well as her faith that he would eventually come around and tell her what was bothering him. Lord, she had never met a more obstinate, stubborn man. She was about to inquire as to how long he intended to hold on to his dark mood, when he turned around to finally look at her.
“I cannae take ye on to yer clan,” he said with a grim look and tone. “I am goin’ to ask the Gordon warriors to take ye the rest of the way.”
Her heart cracked slowly, but she refused to allow him to see her pain. “Why?”
His expression said he hadn’t anticipated her question. Mayhap he was expecting tears or a tirade. She be damned if she would give him either.
“I cannae go onto Keith lands,” he replied dryly.
“Why nae?”
From his pinched expression, he was perturbed by her questions.
Met with more stony silence, she slid from the rock to look him directly in the eyes “I will accept yer decision, but only if ye explain it to me.”
“I do nae owe ye any explanations,” he ground out.
“Nae, ’tis I who owe ye my life and the lives of my children,” she said. “Without ye, we would nae have survived this journey.”
Anger filled his eyes. “Why can ye nae just get angry and be done with it?”
Ah, she mused quietly. ’Tis a fight he wants. “What purpose will gettin’ angry serve?” she asked honestly. “Besides easin’ yer guilt.”
With lips pursed, he crossed his arms over his chest and glowered at her.
Leelah took a step closer and placed a palm over his heart. “Graham, I will nae cry nor scream nor rant nor rave. I am simply askin’ ye why. Why can ye nae return home?”
He remained quiet.
“I will nae hate ye, Graham, if that is what ye be wantin’. No matter what ye say or do, I will nae ever hate ye.”
Anger swelled to the point Graham could no longer contain it. “Ye want the truth of it, lass? The entire ugly, sordid truth?”
Startled, she took a small step back, but otherwise held her ground. “Aye, I would have it.”
Leaning closer, he looked into her eyes. “The man who stands before ye, this man ye are quite certain ye love because ye believe him to be kind and generous? He is a coward. I am responsible for the deaths of an innocent woman as well as one of me own brothers, and countless others.”
Leelah knitted her brow in confusion. “How?” she asked with a good measure of disbelief. “Did ye kill them?”
Closing his eyes, he gave a slow shake of his head. “Nae with me own hands, but with my actions and deeds.” ’Twas nothing short of the God’s honest truth.
He opened his eyes when she placed a hand on his arm. “Graham, please explain it to me.”
Standing in dappled sunlight, with the afternoon breeze lifting those tiny wisps and strands, ’twas all he could do to keep from pulling her into his arms and begging her forgiveness. Ye do nae deserve forgiveness. Not from her nor anyone else.
“Please, Graham, tell me.”
’Twas growing more and more difficult to deny her. With a heavy sigh, he began his tale. “I was nine and ten when I met and fell in love with a beautiful lass. Her name was Deirdre MacFarland.”
His stomach churned with shame as the bile rose in his throat. Never in all his years, not even in a moment of drunkenness, had he told anyone what he was about to tell Leelah. “The Keiths and MacFarlands are bitter enemies. Have been for more years than anyone can count. I met her at a clan gathering. I was there under an assumed name.”
Leelah returned to the rock and settled in to listen.
“I took one look at Deirdre, and I was in love,” he told her with a wan smile. “She was a beautiful lass, all of seven and ten. Hair the color of fire, big green eyes, and a smile so bright, the sun envied it.” Deirdre had been the bonniest creature he’d ever
laid eyes on. “Bein’ all of nine and ten, I thought I had all the answers, all the solutions to every one of life’s problems.” He scoffed openly at his own idiocy. “I believed we would be able to find a way to be together.”
He grew silent for a short while, the memories of his time with Deirdre crashing inside his mind and heart. “While we hated the MacFarlands, I kent me parents would nae have denied me permission to marry her. If we couldn’t convince her father, we made plans to run away together.” He took in a deep, fortifying breath. “But I was always the restless sort. While I did love Deirdre, I also wanted to explore the world. I wanted to see things before I settled down, ye ken?”
Leelah, to her credit, simply nodded her head with quiet encouragement for him to continue.
“Deirdre, being the sweet young and kind lass that she was, did nae try to stop me. We had been meeting in secret for a few short months. I fell in love with her with each of those meetin’s. The last time we were together, she gave me three things. Her heart, her permission for me to leave for six months, and herself.”
The bonny Deirdre had been Graham’s first love, as well as the first time he’d ever been with any woman intimately before. As only a lad of nine and ten can feel, it had been the single most important and wonderful night of his life.
“I left the next day, with me promise to return in six months’ time. I had nae intended to leave Scotland, but again, bein’ the idiot I was, I ended up in Italy. I was so happy seein’ the world, that I never stopped to think of how Deidre was farin’ without me. I could nae write to her, ye ken, out of fear of her father findin’ out about us.”
Tears threatened at the back of his throat. Swallowing them back, he continued to tell Leelah everything.
“When Deirdre realized she was carryin’ my child, she got word to me family, explaining the way of it. She begged them to find me, to bring me home.” Graham shook his head in disgust with his own self. “They did nae ken I was in Italy. They could nae find me.”
No longer able to look at Leelah, he turned his back to her. “Me younger brother, Daniel, stepped in to help. Their plan was simple enough. Daniel and Deirdre would handfast, givin’ the babe the Keith name, until I could return and marry her in the church. But they never got the chance.”
Closing his eyes, he took in a deep breath. Everything he knew, he had learned from his older brother Willem, more than a year after the events. Willem had managed to track him down in Rome. Angry as hell he was, and who could blame him?
“Daniel and Deirdre made plans to meet. Daniel was going to take her to the safety of our own clan, ye see. But Deirdre’s father found out … I did nae ken he would be so ruthless.”
Hanging his head in shame, he fought back the tears of regret and the overwhelming sense of shame. “Phillip MacFarland beat Deirdre so badly, she was unrecognizable to even her own mother. Then he set an ambush against me brother.” He took in another deep breath. “He hanged them, in his own courtyard, Phillip did. He hanged his own daughter and my brother, side by side. Left them there for days before sending the bodies to my father.”
Leelah was appalled, but not at Graham; nay, she was appalled and furious with Phillip. “Who would do such a thing to his own daughter?” she asked breathlessly.
“He hanged her for treason,” Graham replied. “He hanged Daniel simply because he was a Keith.”
Leelah slid from the rock and went to Graham, placing a hand on his back. “Did ye ken her father was capable of such treachery?”
Graham shook his head. “Nay, as God is me witness, I did nae ken.”
As much as she wanted to wrap her arms around him, she dared not. He was too hurt, too wounded at the moment.
“Me da retaliated, of course, to avenge the death of my brother, of my unborn child, as well as Deirdre. ’Twas a bloody war that last for nearly a week. We lost a dozen fine warriors to that war. But the MacFarlands lost ten times as many.”
“Did yer father tell ye then never to return?” Leelah asked him. “Is he still angry with ye? Is that why ye cannae return?”
Graham shrugged his shoulders. “I have no idea what me father thinks.”
“But what did he say when ye returned?”
Graham blew out a deep breath. “Lass, I never returned. I only ken what I ken because me older brother Willem found me in Rome and told me.”
“Ye never returned?” she asked with a furrowed brow.
“This is the closest to Keith lands I have been in more than a decade,” he admitted.
Leelah gave a small shake of her head. “Why did ye nae go home?”
“Because I am a bloody coward!” he barked. “A bloody coward who did nae possess the courage to look his father or family in the eyes.”
“But, Graham—”
“Nay, Leelah, do nae offer me any solace. I do nae deserve it, any more than I deserve forgiveness from me family.”
A voice, firm yet gentle, broke from behind them. “Why do ye nae let yer family decide that?”
Sweat broke out across Graham’s brow as his heart seized. ’Twas a voice he hadn’t heard in more than ten years, but one he would always recognize.
Slowly, he turned around.
There he was, Waldron Keith, astride a great stallion, surrounded by two of Graham’s brothers and a dozen warriors. Some of the men he thought he recognized, but the younger men? He had no idea who they were.
His father had aged, more than Graham had anticipated. While his hair was completely gray and wrinkles lined his once bright green eyes, he still managed to look just as virile and strong as the last time Graham had seen him. He was also just as intimidating.
Waldron dismounted and stood by his horse for a long while as he studied his son under what could only be described as a menacing glower. After a time, he handed his reins off to James, another of Graham’s brothers, and made his way across the tiny meadow.
Graham pulled his shoulders back, mentally preparing himself for his father’s wrath. Leelah stood beside him and gently tucked her hand into his as a show of support. He squeezed it once before letting it drop away.
“Where in the bloody hell have ye been?” Waldron asked, his voice gruff and thundering.
Graham wasn’t sure how he should answer that particular question. Deciding honesty was always the best policy where it pertained to his father, he replied, “Living a life of drunken debauchery.”
Waldron was not impressed with his flippant attitude.
Ignoring his son for the moment, he turned to speak to Leelah. “And who are ye?”
With more pride than she should have felt, she said, “I be his wife.”
Leelah held her breath. Waldron was big and intimidating. Graham’s glower was nothing compared to his father’s.
“And ye allow him to live this life of drunken debauchery?”
Before Leelah could answer, Waldron caught sight of the children who had stopped playing and were coming towards them. “Are those me grandchildren?”
“I suppose legally speakin’, they are,” Leelah said.
Waldron apparently didn’t like that answer. He took a step closer, towering over her. “And what the bloody hell does that mean?”
Graham placed himself directly in front of Leelah. “It means we have nae been married long. The children are hers from a previous marriage. And I will thank ye kindly nae to speak to me wife in such a menacin’ tone.”
Leelah didn’t know who was more surprised with Graham’s deadly tone, herself or Waldron.
Waldron furrowed his brow, the lines around his eyes deepening. “I be told ye are tryin’ to get to the Hay holdin’.”
“We are,” Graham replied.
Before another word could be said, a line of horses came crashing through the trees. Graham felt his heart skid to a halt when he saw who was approaching.
’Twas his mother Margaret.
She was every bit as beautiful as he remembered. Her hair was still as black as pitch, only a few strands of gra
y glinting in the afternoon sun. If she had a wrinkle on her face, he couldn’t see it from this distance.
She pulled her horse to an abrupt stop, slid from the saddle, and came racing towards him. Her eyes were filled with fury. Without so much as a please excuse me, she pushed her husband out of the way.
Leelah’s earlier assumption that she’d never seen such a fierce glower as Waldron Keith’s had been incorrect. Neither his nor Graham’s could compare to the one belonging to this woman.
“Ten years and nae a letter?” she bit out. “Ten years and nae a word from ye? Do ye ken how I have worried about ye, ye little shite!”
Leelah took a cautious step back as her children hurried into her protective arms. Even they were terrified of this woman. She had to assume she was Graham’s mother, for only a mother could be this angry.
“And we have to learn of yer return by one of our allies?” she continued, pointing a long, slender finger at Graham’s chest. “Ye could nae write? Ye could nae send word?” She shook her head in disgust. “Do ye ken how many hours I have spent in the kirk, prayin’ fer yer return? Prayin’ fer yer soul?”
There was no time for Graham to reply, for her words were spilling out faster than water over the Three Sisters falls. Even Waldron was keeping a safe distance.
The woman continued to rail. Leelah felt her cheeks grow warm at some of the choice words she was using. Graham’s father smiled at a few of them before giving a wink to Jamie.
Leelah didn’t know what to make of this display.
“I be a little weary of hearin’ the stories and rumors that ye have turned into naught but a drunkard and gambler,” she said before taking in a quick breath. “And another thing, ye bloody bastard,” her next words caught on a sob, “I be so happy to see ye!”
Leelah saw it then—the pain in the woman’s eyes. Pain at having not seen her son in many years, of hearing nothing but rumors about his drunken escapades. Leelah felt a physical ache, understanding all too well what that must feel like. Were she not to see her children for any length of time, it would surely be her undoing.
With Love from the Highlands : A Highlander Love Story Duet, One Page 25
