‘Ella.’ He said the name on an exhalation of breath and pushed himself away from the table, spinning around and pacing across the room again.
‘I don’t understand.’
‘No.’ Harry looked up at her then, his eyes dark. ‘There’s a lot about my ex-wife I don’t understand, either.’
Chapter Thirty-six
Jenny
‘Hope’s woken up and she’s a bit teary.’ Lou blundered into the room, knocking the door against the fallen chair. He made a face and stooped down, picking it up and setting it back against the table. ‘What’s going on here? Are you two having a party?’
‘What is it?’ Jenny sounded snappish, she knew, but of all the times for Lou to come wandering in –
‘She’s asking for you, Harry. It’s probably just the shock, or the painkillers wearing off a bit.’
‘I’ll deal with her.’ Harry turned on his heel and walked out of the room.
‘Everything OK?’ Lou’s eyebrows lifted.
Where the hell would she start?
‘Fine.’ She gave him a look he recognized after decades of marriage, and he withdrew, closing the door behind him. She poured more wine into her glass with an unsteady hand and set it on the table in front of her.
Whatever the hell was going on, there was more to it than just Harry’s anger about Hope’s broken leg.
Ten minutes later he walked back into the room, closing the door.
Jenny looked up and asked with a raise of her eyebrows what was happening next door.
‘She’s asleep again. I’ll sleep on the armchair beside her tonight.’
She slid the wine bottle across the table, and he emptied his glass in a mouthful before tipping in some more.
‘I didn’t know what to say.’ His voice was low. He licked dry lips, and she watched him swallow, closing his eyes.
‘I thought –’ She scanned her memory, spooling back over every encounter they’d had since Christmas Day, when he’d met Ella for the first time. Or what she thought was the first time. ‘I don’t understand.’
He shook his head and stood up, pacing back and forth again. The kitchen wasn’t big enough for his long legs – at over six feet tall, his dark hair brushed the wooden beams on the low ceiling as he strode back and forth, brows drawn together in a frown of concern. Twice he stopped as if to speak but then shook his head, banging closed fists against one another.
‘It was a long time ago,’ he began, and his voice was quieter still, as if he was dragging long-buried memories back from deep beneath the surface.
‘You knew Ella before Sarah?’
He nodded.
‘But she never said. She – Sarah told me everything.’
He flicked a glance at her, and she inhaled sharply. The old, familiar place in her chest where the sadness resided gave a dull throb.
‘But –’
They’d always been so close. More like sisters, everyone said. Everyone said that about their daughters, but with Sarah it was true. They’d shopped and lunched and laughed together. For God’s sake, she’d chosen to stay in the town where she’d grown up. And all those long hours talking when she lay in a hospital bed while life-saving poison was dripped slowly into her veins. Sarah had made her promise she’d do everything to look after Hope and her darling Harry. Jenny felt her stomach contracting and she pulled away from the table, wrapping her arms around herself. It suddenly felt chilly in the usually cosy kitchen.
Harry sat down at the table opposite her.
‘She wasn’t keeping it from you. Don’t blame Sarah.’ His voice softened as he said her name. ‘I didn’t want you to know. I didn’t want anyone to know. I couldn’t . . .’
And it all spilled out.
‘We were in an accident. Her father was killed.’ Harry looked down at the table again, and when he looked up his eyes were dark with bitterness and regret. ‘She blamed me.’ He dropped his eyes again and steepled his fingers, pressing them together hard so the skin turned white at the tips of his fingers. He closed his eyes and she noticed a nerve jumping in his cheek.
‘An accident?’
‘It was . . .’ He began again, haltingly. ‘There was an inquest. She couldn’t believe – couldn’t let herself believe – that something that awful just happened. To us all.’ His shoulders crumpled then, and he dropped his face into his hands.
By the end of the long, sorry tale, Jenny had moved around and was sitting with an arm around his shoulders.
‘My God, Harry.’
‘I know. I just didn’t want – couldn’t bear the thought of you thinking it was my fault.’
‘But you know it wasn’t your fault.’
‘Sarah helped me understand, yes.’ He smiled at her, and wiped away a tear. ‘And then when she got sick again, I felt like maybe I was just destined to mess things up.’
‘But you’re an amazing dad to Hope.’
He shrugged and made a face. ‘I’ve been away working half the time.’
‘She loves you more than anything, you know that?’
He nodded. For a moment he looked like a broken child, and she wanted to scoop him into her arms and tell him everything was going to be OK. She wrapped her arms around him. ‘I’m sorry you’ve carried all this.’
‘I’m sorry I – we – I’m sorry you didn’t know.’
‘I understand. But why didn’t you tell us when Ella turned up on the doorstep? We could have cut ties with her. The last thing I would have wanted was for you to feel uncomfortable.’
He shook his head again and reached forward, spinning the wine glass around in his hands before taking a mouthful. He pulled another face.
‘I could see how much Hope wanted to be around her.’
‘But that’s why the atmosphere was so weird.’
‘Yeah.’
She started to laugh. ‘Lou and I thought there was a bit of chemistry going on, especially after there was nothing going on with you and Holly.’
He looked up at her sharply. ‘Me and Holly?’
She shrugged. ‘You’re a young man. We – well, we wondered. My God, we couldn’t have been more wrong.’ She reached across and tipped the last of the wine into their glasses. ‘About all of it. I think we’re going to need another bottle, at this rate.’
They sat in silence for a while.
All that time Ella had spent with them and not said anything. Jenny had thought they were friends. Ella had talked about the importance of honesty and explained that the horses reflected back your feelings and the truth. Jenny scoffed at her own naivety, and at Ella’s deception.
‘So let me get this straight,’ Lou said later, as they lay in bed, side by side, staring at the ceiling in the near-darkness. The room was illuminated by a full moon and the shadows of the trees danced on the walls.
Jenny reached out her hand, finding his. She held on tightly. She was wretched, worn out by the day’s events. Hope was fast asleep, her leg carefully propped up and surrounded by pillows. They’d given her some more pain relief, and Harry was sleeping on the chair beside her.
‘Our Harry was married to Ella. They divorced when her dad was killed. Not a word about it to us when he and Sarah got married –’
She should be furious at Ella, and yet somehow – was it the wisdom that came with having made more than her fair share of mistakes in the last sixty-odd years? She could see how easy it was to make a bad judgement, and one that could have ended in tragedy. Life wasn’t black and white.
‘Sarah knew,’ Jenny pointed out, ‘and I don’t suppose it was really any of our business.’
‘No.’ Lou shifted slightly and pulled the covers up. ‘It’s cold, isn’t it?’
The wind rattled the window panes, as if to make a point. Outside, the sky was bright with stars and the hills echoed with the sound of a clear winter’s night.
‘Anyway. The only thing that’s a bit odd about the whole thing is that neither of them said a word to us.’
‘I know.’
‘How do you feel?’ Lou’s voice was kindly. After his years in the police force he was pretty much unshockable. This was a minor hiccup to him.
Jenny pinched the bridge of her nose, and thought.
‘I feel – a bit cheated, somehow.’ She sighed. ‘As if one of them should have said something. I don’t know. Awkward, perhaps.’
‘Hmm.’
‘I don’t know why, though. It’s not our place, is it?’
‘It’s hard when you’re a parent, letting go. Trusting they’ll do the right thing.’
‘Maybe they felt all that stuff was best left in the past.’
Jenny thought about the last time she’d seen Ella and Harry together at the stables. They’d been laughing about something as Hope sat on the floor watching Muffin snooze beside her. They’d looked comfortable – close, even.
‘They certainly didn’t look like a couple who’d been through a bitter divorce, did they?’
Lou pulled her in close, wrapping her in a hug. ‘Perhaps we’re not as switched on as we like to think we are.’
She yawned.
‘I think perhaps you’re right.’
Lou was asleep in moments. Jenny lay there for hours, watching the silhouettes of the trees outside dancing against the curtains, and thought not just about what she’d learned about Harry and Ella but about the day’s events. She’d considered herself indispensable and thought she was doing the right thing stepping in to care for Hope, but when the chips were down it was Harry that Hope wanted. Which was exactly as it should be, of course – but that didn’t stop it from being painful. It wasn’t a very pleasant feeling to realize that you were somewhat redundant.
Chapter Thirty-seven
Harry
‘I want Grandma. I don’t want to do a wee with you here, Daddy.’
Hope had woken up grouchy, hungry and irritable. Pre-caffeine negotiations over loo visits were the last thing he needed.
‘Grandma’s not up yet, darling. How about I just put you on the loo and I’ll wait outside and you can call me when you’re done?’
She gave a grudging harrumph as a reply. This was going to be a long six weeks of recuperation. He averted his gaze as he stood on the landing, not looking up the hill at the white farmhouse with its plume of smoke.
‘Can we go and see Muffin?’ A small voice called through from behind the bathroom door. And then – ‘Finished.’
‘We can’t go right now, Hope. You’ve only got a temporary cast on, for one thing.’
He scooped her up in his arms and carried her downstairs before returning for the tiny pair of crutches they’d been given.
Making breakfast, he scanned his work messages. He’d been working from home as much as possible, but there was a meeting in Paris at the beginning of the week that he couldn’t skip. He’d been working on the proposal for the best part of a year, and they were expecting him there to go through it. He puffed out a sigh of exasperation. If he could just get that out of the way, he’d work it out from there.
‘How are you feeling this morning?’
Jenny came into the room wrapped in her dressing gown.
Hope looked up from the sofa. ‘Daddy says we can’t go and see Muffin until I get my leg fixed. Can we go to the hospital today?’
Jenny ruffled her hair. ‘Sorry, sweetie. They said we’ve to come back tomorrow.’
‘About that . . .’ Harry began. ‘I’ll get you some cereal, sweetheart. You wait there.’ He handed Hope her iPad and the television remote.
‘What’s up?’
He raised his eyebrows at Jenny, ruefully. ‘You mean besides the wine head from last night?’
She picked up the two glasses and the bottle from the table and put them beside the sink. An unspoken moment of communication passed between them.
‘I think our main priority right now has to be making sure that Hope is happy and healthy.’
‘I agree.’ He poured cereal into a bowl, and added milk. ‘I’m going to start by giving her this.’
And then, he thought, we can discuss the fact that I’ve got to get on a flight to Paris first thing tomorrow and Hope’s going to miss school and all the positive steps we’ve taken have been set back because Ella messed up. He tensed at the thought, and then pasted on a smile. He headed into the sitting room to give Hope her breakfast.
‘She’s a lovely girl. Tragic what happened to her,’ Connie said to Jenny, lowering her voice. She settled her elbows on the counter, ready for a chat. Jenny shifted from one foot to the other, feeling uncomfortable. She’d only popped in to the cafe to pick up one of the iced gingerbread men Hope loved, and somehow Connie had brought the subject round to Ella and the accident.
‘Poor little love.’ Connie shook her head
Jenny considered herself to be scrupulously honest. It made her feel uncomfortable to think that Ella had got to know her, and not felt comfortable enough to admit the truth about her relationship with Harry. But he was her son-in-law, and neither had he. Thank God Hope’s leg wasn’t in a fit state for her to be going anywhere, let alone the stables. It was going to be a different matter once they’d replaced the cast with a lightweight one, but they’d have to deal with that problem when it arose. In the meantime, she decided, she’d keep her head down.
‘Hope will be missing a few days of school, then?’
‘Yes, just until we get the permanent cast on.’
Connie leaned in further still, inviting a confidence. ‘I’ve always thought horses are bloody big beasts to be doing therapy with, if you ask me.’
Jenny moved back almost imperceptibly. ‘It was an accident.’
‘Hmm,’ said Connie. She shook out a cloth and pursed her lips. ‘I hope the council don’t get wind of it and change their mind when she’s just about to have all this new business coming in.’
‘Honestly, it was just one of those things.’ Now she was making things up on the spot. She’d no idea what had happened, and wouldn’t until she spoke to Ella. ‘It could have happened any time.’
‘That’s what I mean,’ Connie said darkly. ‘Bloody big beasts. You wouldn’t get me near one of them if you paid me.’
If there was one thing Jenny knew, it was that village gossip spread like wildfire. She didn’t want to be responsible for causing any more harm. Whatever had gone on in the past, she wouldn’t be party to anything that could mess up Ella’s future.
‘How much longer have we got you here?’
‘Just over a couple of months.’ She could tell Connie to the day, if she wanted. She and Lou had lain in bed that morning talking seriously about what was going to happen next. Neither of them was as keen to get back to their old house as they thought they might have been, and they’d had an email from the letting agency saying that the family who were renting it might be interested in keeping it a bit longer. They hadn’t been able to find a house they liked, apparently. If they’d had the same conversation a day earlier, it would have been cut and dried. They’d have happily stayed longer – but it wasn’t just about them. Hope needed to be settled somewhere, and it was increasingly clear that it was time for Jenny to cut the apron strings that tied grandmother to granddaughter and let Harry step into his role as father. It had taken long enough.
‘Seems a shame, when you’re all settling in so well.’
‘Mmm.’ Jenny picked up the paper bag of cookies and put it in her handbag. ‘We’ll have to see what happens.’
The words sounded hollow to her ears, and she suspected from Connie’s expression that they didn’t ring true with her, either. The truth was plain to see. She walked down the high street, past the deli and the bookshop, waving hello to Alan through the post office door, and into the little car park. The village of Llanidaeron had settled inside her and made itself at home.
Chapter Thirty-eight
Ella
Ella swept the entire yard. She’d barely slept and she knew that Jenny and Hope, Harry and Lou must be home because she’d – she was
slightly ashamed of herself – had a look to see if she could see their cars through Bron’s bird-watching binoculars, telling herself it was just so she could know they were home safely. But she hadn’t heard a word.
Perhaps she should just ring Jenny and ask, but there was another part of her that wondered what Harry had said, and why she hadn’t heard anything. She made a deal with herself: If I haven’t heard by three, I’ll call.
She put the broom away in the feed room and checked her email.
Sending this from the staffroom because there’s no bloody chance you’ll get a text in time. What’s the story with Hope? Rumours flying around the school that she was attacked by one of your horses. If you want me to do some damage limitation, speak now. Liss x
Shit. Ella thought fast. If this got back before the final paperwork was signed, she could lose the contract. She needed to move quickly. She scanned the calendar on the wall and made a spur-of-the-moment decision.
I’m going to have an open day this weekend. If you spread the word, I’ll get some posters printed off and stick them around town, and put a note up on the village Facebook page.
You’re a bloody genius. I’ll come up after school and see you. Big kiss. xxx
Ella typed quickly:
Hillside Farm Equine Assisted Psychotherapy
Ella Waters BSc (Hons) MSc Dip.EAP
OPEN DAY
Saturday 21st January, 12–3 p.m.
ALL WELCOME
That ought to do it. Now all she had to do was hope against hope that Charlotte was down to work on Saturday and hadn’t made any plans to go off and have something pierced or shave half her hair off, or something. That, and get the place – and the horses – looking spotless. She had to show everyone that her horses weren’t child-maiming monsters, and that she ran a professional therapy practice.
Ella worked at warp speed for the next few days. Lissa came up after school in the evenings and baked a load of cookies for the visitors (‘If nobody turns up, it’s a win,’ she said cheerfully. ‘We get to pig out on chocolate chip cookies and a load of Prosecco.’)
Finding Hope at Hillside Farm Page 27
