He pulled his head out from my shoulder, looked up at me and nodded fearfully.
‘But why would you do that?’
‘He told everyone not to play with me.’
I was taken aback. ‘Why did he do that?’
‘Because Robyn is sick, and he said I might spread the germs and that everyone was going to die if they played with me. I didn’t mean to hit him, but I got really mad and I couldn’t help it. Then he ran off and told teacher on me.’
I felt white-hot fury build inside me, but I needed to stay calm for Harry’s sake.
‘I’m sorry, Mammy,’ he added as he began to sob again.
‘Well, you did the right thing if you ask me,’ JP said, butting in.
‘JP!’ I swung around to him.
‘What?’
‘You can’t tell a child it’s okay to hit someone!’
‘Well, if this Jamie O’Connor thinks it’s okay to spread lies around school maybe a punch is exactly what the little shit needs.’
Harry looked shocked by his dad’s use of bad language.
‘Tone it down,’ I said to him. ‘This isn’t helping, and you’ll wake Robyn.’
Then I turned back to Harry. ‘Look, what Jamie said is wrong. Cancer isn’t caused by germs – you can’t catch it off other people. Robyn can’t make other people sick; do you understand what I’m saying?’
‘Yes, Mam.’
‘Is this why you didn’t want to go to school yesterday and today?’
He nodded. ‘He keeps telling everyone not to let me have a loan of their colours or not to touch me.’
‘Why didn’t you say something, Harry?’
‘Because I didn’t want to make you sadder, Mam.’
A wave of guilt upended me. I should have realised what was going on sooner, my intuition should have told me that something had happened to him in school.
‘Oh, Harry, you poor thing. He shouldn’t be saying things like that, no wonder you lost your temper. I’ll go into Ms O’Mara tomorrow and have a word.’ I wrapped my arms around my son and in my head, for the millionth time, cursed stupid, bloody cancer and the havoc it was wreaking on all our lives.
Just then my phone rang, I straightened up and walked over to pick it up off the table. I saw that it was Jamie O’Connor’s mother, Belinda. She doesn’t hang around, I thought grimly. I knew where this conversation was going.
‘It’s the boy’s mother,’ I mouthed at JP before hitting the answer button.
‘Belinda?’ I said, answering the call.
‘Hi, Sarah, I guess you probably know why I’m calling – Ms O’Mara said she would have a word.’
‘Yes,’ I said. ‘She did.’
‘Harry gave Jamie a black eye today in school…’
‘Yes, I believe there was an altercation.’
‘I’m sure we’re both on the same page when I say nine-year-olds shouldn’t be punching one another, Sarah. I know you have a lot on your plate right now, but I can’t let my child be bullied, no matter how much I feel sorry for you…’
I didn’t want her patronising sympathy.
‘I’m sure you understand,’ she continued. ‘If the situation was reversed, you’d feel exactly the same—’
‘Did Jamie tell you that he told the other children not to play with Harry or share their crayons with him in case they all caught the germs he is carrying from his sister’s contagious brain tumour and they all got cancer too?’
She gasped. I could almost hear her choking on my words. ‘I-I really don’t think Jamie would say something like that, Sarah—’
‘Are you calling Harry a liar?’
‘N-no, of course I’m not,’ she stuttered.
‘Good!’ I said.
‘I’ll talk to him, Sarah – I’m sure there are wires crossed somewhere…’
‘Great, and maybe you could explain to your child that cancer isn’t a contagious disease while you’re at it.’ Then I hung up.
My heart was racing.
I turned around to see JP and Harry were both staring at me open-mouthed. It was so unlike me to be confrontational, but it was as if this tumour had invaded me too and turned me into somebody I didn’t recognise. I was no longer fearful of things that would have sent me into a flap a couple of months ago, probably because the very worst thing that could happen was happening. Robyn’s cancer had unleashed something wild and furious inside me and I couldn’t rein it in. I didn’t care what people thought of me, the only thing that mattered was protecting my family.
‘Did I really just do that?’ I asked, shaking my head.
JP came over and high-fived me. ‘The stupid cow deserved it.’
Harry looked from me to his dad in confusion, wondering why we were behaving like this.
I started to laugh then, the giggles kept coming, bubbling up inside me and they wouldn’t stop. I felt manic. Hysterical. The laughter frothed over until tears streamed down my face and I wasn’t sure if they were happy or sad tears.
Harry
I didn’t want to go to stupid school today, but Mam made me go. I wanted to stay at home with Robyn snuggled up on the sofa like we did the day before and watch Frozen again because that’s her favourite movie. Even though it’s for girls, it’s not too bad. Robyn can’t really do much stuff any more but we can still watch the TV together and I like that. The reason that I didn’t want to go to school is because Jamie O’Connor keeps being mean to me. In the yard at break time he tolded the whole class not to play with me or they would get the cancer germs too. Then I got the white dots in my eyes again because he keeps doing it and this time I couldn’t help it, I boxed him, and his glasses broke, then I got in big trouble and was sent to the principal’s office and everybody knows you only go there when you are in REALLY BIG TROUBLE. I was really, really scared. Mrs Maloney the principal said she had to speak to my parents because children are not allowed to hit one another in school. I was so worried when Dad collected me and Ms O’Mara tolded him what I done, but when I told Mam and Dad the truth, they didn’t get cross with me, which was really strange. Then Dad said Mrs O’Connor was a stupid cow and then Mam started laughing and she wouldn’t stop, even though she always tells me it’s not nice to call people names. It was so weird because she was crying too and I didn’t know you could laugh and cry at the same time, but that’s what Mam was doing.
26
We were running along the sand on Malahide beach towards the water’s edge. I was chasing after Robyn, her legs moving gracefully through the air as she plunged into the Irish Sea. She squealed as the cool water rushed around her ankles. She turned around to me and grinned.
‘Come on, Mammy,’ she called. Her head was tilted back towards the sky and sunlight hit the apples of her cheeks.
‘Okay, I’m coming, sweetheart.’
I ran in after her and screamed with shock from the chill of the water against my skin.
Robyn was laughing at me and she reached out her hand to take mine. I stretched to take her small hand in my own, but I couldn’t find it. I was searching for her hand, but there was nothing there.
I woke with a start with my palm searching the bed until it landed on her small body sleeping beside me, clutching onto Mr Bunny. And then I remembered my cruel reality and my heart hit the floor.
Whenever I did manage to sleep, I had a blissful few seconds when I first woke where I would forget. In those seconds, Robyn wasn’t sick. I could breathe, I could dream of the future, but then I would remember, and reality slammed into me all over again just like it did on the very first day in that tiny white hospital room and it broke me afresh all over again. There was always a trade-off – the price for those few seconds of ecstasy between sleep and wakefulness was at the expense of remembering.
The dream wouldn’t leave me for the rest of the morning as I tidied up the kitchen and loaded the washing machine. It had seemed so real. Her smile. Her legs working properly once again. I could still feel the coolness of the water against
my skin, the tangle of brown seaweed between my feet. Robyn had seemed so light, so carefree. So happy. The way she used to before our lives had descended into this maelstrom.
The doorbell went and pulled me back to reality. I went out to the hall and when I answered it, I saw that my mother-in-law, Joan, was standing on the doorstep.
‘Sarah,’ she said curtly, as I pulled back the door.
‘Come in, Joan,’ I said. She and Richard had been calling to the house a lot since Robyn had got her diagnosis, but today I saw that she was alone. Robyn was upstairs having a nap and Harry was at school, so I felt bad that this would be a wasted trip.
‘Can I get you a tea or coffee?’ I offered as she made her way into the living room and sat down neatly on the sofa, keeping her handbag clasped upon her knees.
She shook her head. ‘No, thank you, I won’t be staying long.’ There was a caustic edge to her tone, and I had a feeling that this was more than just a social call. ‘Where’s Robyn?’
‘Upstairs having a nap. She gets tired so easily these days,’ I sighed.
Joan nodded. She lifted the silver-framed photo of a pudgy-cheeked Robyn on her christening day that sat on the coffee table beside her up into her hands. She brought it towards her face and I saw tears glistening in her eyes as she studied it. ‘I still can’t believe it…’ she whispered.
Joan’s initial reaction to Robyn’s diagnosis was disbelief, and anguish had followed soon after. Although we had never been particularly close, I knew this was devastating for her. She adored Robyn; after losing her only daughter tragically as a child, when Robyn was born, she had been overjoyed to have a granddaughter. She used to buy her the most ridiculous pink, frilly dresses with matching hair-bows that JP and I would dutifully dress her in whenever we were visiting but would remove straight away as soon as we had left. I knew it wasn’t just JP and I who were hurting right now. This was hard on so many people, the repercussions of what we were dealing with spread like ripples across a pond. So many people loved her.
‘Me neither,’ I admitted.
‘Look, Sarah, the reason I called here today is because I want to talk to you about the clinic in America…’ she began.
I felt my heart stop. ‘I see… did JP put you up to coming here?’
She shook her head. ‘Of course not, but he said that you’re not in agreement with him… and I honestly couldn’t believe what he was telling me! Is it true, Sarah?’
‘If you mean that I won’t let JP take her there for the treatment then, yes, it is true.’ As the money he had raised climbed ever higher, JP and I had been arguing about it constantly.
She placed the photo back down onto the table. ‘I know this isn’t a nice situation for anyone, but I can’t understand why you wouldn’t take any chance you get to save her! Miracles happen all over the world every day, but you have to grab on to them – you have to believe and be open to them.’
‘The treatment doesn’t bloody work!’ I snapped. I was tired and frustrated by having to explain myself. Why was nobody listening to me? ‘JP isn’t telling you the full story! Despite all their claims, the doctors there still haven’t saved one child!’
‘Calm down, Sarah, we’re all on the same side here – we just want what’s best for Robyn.’
I nodded. ‘That’s all I want too, Joan.’
‘Well then, why on earth are you being so difficult?’
‘Why can’t you see that I’m doing this out of love for her? You’re a mother too, Joan, and you also know the pain of losing a child.’
‘I do. That’s why I can’t understand any of this.’ She shook her head. ‘If I could have had a chance to save my Ellen, no matter how small, I’d have taken it with both hands.’
‘But what kind of a mother would I be if I ripped her away from her home, the one place where she feels safe and loved and sent her off to endure god only knows what kind of treatment in a strange country?’
‘Please, Sarah, as Robyn’s grandmother, I’m begging you – I’ve already lost a child, I can’t bear to lose her too…’ Her voice choked, and tears shone in her eyes.
‘And you think I can? Do you think this is easy for me? Do you know how it feels to look into her eyes and see fear and not be able to do anything to help her? I’m telling you, if I believed there was something, anything, that would cure her, I’d do it in a heartbeat, but I won’t send her off to the other side of the world like some kind of lab rat, I won’t do it to her.’ Did she honestly think that I was okay with all of this, that I would just leave Robyn to die if there was a realistic treatment option available? Did my mother-in-law know me at all? Could she really think so lowly of me?
‘I know the last five months haven’t been easy for you. I know John-Paul has made mistakes, but please just listen to what he is saying – give Robyn a chance to beat this disease.’
‘If JP can show me a child who has beaten this thing, I’ll be the first in line, but until then Robyn is staying at home where she belongs!’
‘Why on earth won’t you take this lifeline to save her – no matter how small the chances are – it’s still a chance more than she has right now!’
It was the same question that kept me awake during the long hours of the night when the street lights cast shadows across my ceiling. It seemed nobody else agreed with me and it made me doubt my own judgement. Was I making the right choice? Whenever I looked across at Robyn’s face, while she slept curled up beside me, her small chest rising and falling in slow, even beats, I knew I had to get this right. She was relying on me. She trusted me to protect her. But what if I was standing in the way of saving her life?
‘How can you just give up on your own daughter?’ Joan demanded.
Suddenly I was consumed with fury. Her words had ripped me open and scooped me out until there was nothing left any more. It was clear that no matter what I said or what arguments I put forward that I wasn’t going to able to reason with her. I had had enough. I was so tired; I was broken and defeated and didn’t have the energy to pour into fighting any more. I stood up, indicating that I was finished with this conversation.
She stood up too, still clutching her handbag. She began heading towards the door before stopping and turning back to face me. Her eyes burned into mine.
‘What kind of a mother just leaves her child to die?’ she said, shaking her head sadly at me.
27
JP was upstairs with Harry and Robyn reading them a bedtime story, while I was downstairs tidying up the playroom after the mess of the day. As I knelt amongst the discarded pieces of a jigsaw, blocks of Lego and the scattered pieces of a tea set, I couldn’t help but feel a strange sense of unease. JP’s behaviour since he had arrived that evening was baffling me. Instead of coming through the door with anger burning in his eyes as had been his way for the last few weeks, he had actually greeted me with a smile on his face, which in itself was unsettling because it had been a long time since he had smiled at me. He had swung Harry around and lifted Robyn up into the air until her face spread into a grin. Our recent acrimony seemed to have been forgotten.
Although I hated to be cynical, given our different stances about the clinic in Arizona, I couldn’t help but feel wary. It was only days since his mother had come and pleaded with me to let JP take Robyn to the US. I had called him afterwards and we had had a huge argument. He denied knowing that Joan was going to call over, but I didn’t believe a word that came out of his mouth any more and warned him never to send his mother round to do his bidding again. After I had hung up, I had called Fiona to tell her what had happened. She had come straight over with a bottle of wine and as we had sat up drinking it, I questioned my decision for the millionth time. What if I was wrong? It seemed the whole world was on JP’s side. But I knew deep down that I was doing this out of love for Robyn.
I heard his footsteps descending the stairs now and I felt my heart start to beat faster, although I wasn’t quite sure why.
‘I have some news,’ he began,
as he rounded the playroom doorway. His voice was tentative, but there was an urgency behind it that he just couldn’t mask. ‘I wanted to wait until the kids were in bed,’ he added. I noticed that he wasn’t meeting my eye.
Here it was. I had had a feeling in my bones that there was something he wanted to say, something potentially explosive. He had been treading delicately as if trying to avoid buried landmines ever since he had arrived.
‘Oh yeah?’ I felt my chest tighten and I picked myself up from the floor.
‘Well, it’s good news actually…’ I watched as he took a deep breath inwards. ‘The clinic has accepted Robyn on to their treatment programme.’
‘Woah, JP.’ I raised my palms to slow him down. ‘I’ve already told you that I’m not sending her there.’
‘But I have the money almost raised, I reckon we should hit the target by tomorrow if the donations keep coming in the way they have been and now she has a place on their programme – what else could you possibly want?’
I had been checking his JustGiving page too and I knew he was right. Now the only obstacle in his way was me. He had obviously thought that once he had everything lined up, I would finally give in, like I had with the radiotherapy, but even if it cost nothing, I still wouldn’t consent to Robyn travelling halfway across the world to subject her to some dubious treatment.
‘Of course they’ve accepted her!’ I snapped. ‘They just want your money and they don’t care where it comes from, they’d accept a dog off the street if you’d pay them for it!’
‘Come on, Sarah,’ he begged, clasping his palms together as if in prayer. ‘I have the money – we can actually do this – we can get on a plane and get more time with our daughter. Don’t overthink it, just say yes.’
‘It’s not about the money, JP – it was never about the money.’ I shook my head, feeling my exasperation grow with every word that left his mouth. He just wasn’t listening to me. It was as though he couldn’t hear – or perhaps didn’t want to hear – what I had been saying. ‘It’s about what’s best for Robyn. I told you already, I won’t do it – there’s no way I’m putting her on a plane to be subjected to some unproven treatment, how can you even think it’s an option?’
The Last Days of Us Page 15
