‘I know,’ I wept, tears leaking down my face. ‘I just wanted to . . . to be sure of how you felt.’
‘Jesus Christ, River.’ Flynn exploded. ‘Can you hear the total rubbish you’re coming out with? You can never be sure of someone else. Never. You have to have trust . . . faith . . . That’s what love is about. It’s a frigging leap in the dark.’
He turned the door handle.
‘You make it sound like a religion,’ I said quickly.
Flynn turned to face me. ‘At least religion has heat and fire and passion. The worst thing about this – about you setting me up with Emmi – is that it’s so cold-blooded.’
‘It’s no more cold-blooded than you trying to have sex with me,’ I muttered.
Flynn’s eyes widened. ‘What?’
I stared up at him sullenly. ‘You got it all planned, didn’t you? Get everyone out of the house. Get a shag. Get happy. Great. Except what about me? What about what I want?’
Flynn blinked. ‘I thought that was what you wanted. I thought . . .’
We stared at each other. Flynn’s forehead creased with a frown.
‘You didn’t listen,’ I said, my insides twisting horribly. ‘I told you . . . I tried to tell you . . . I wasn’t ready.’
Flynn’s frown deepened. ‘But . . . but you said aft er the play . . .’
‘I didn’t mean right after,’ I said. ‘I meant . . .’
But I couldn’t say what I meant. Suddenly I didn’t know what I meant. ‘It’s not that I don’t want to,’ I said, trying desperately to explain. ‘It’s just that . . . sometimes I think for you it’s only about sex. Like as soon as you told me about your dad, as soon as you’d opened up, you acted as if . . . as if I should automatically be ready to go the whole way . . . and I’m just . . . I’m not ready . . . not yet . . .’
Flynn sighed. ‘Well, why didn’t you say that? Why didn’t you just say: no, Flynn, you horny git, I’m not ready?’
‘Because I was scared you’d go off me,’ I whispered. ‘You’re so . . . you’re so moody . . . and angry . . . all the time.’ I slid my arms round his back, then reached up inside his shirt, feeling for the scar on his shoulder.
Juliet’s lines echoed in my head:
My bounty is as boundless as the sea
My love as deep; the more I give to thee
The more I have, for both are infinite.
I traced the line of his scar.
He stood, all stiff and awkward, but he didn’t push me away.
A long moment passed.
‘I know I’m angry . . .’ he mumbled. ‘It’s . . . you were right . . . I mean, what you said before about me flaring up and being scary . . . like my dad . . . I know that’s true . . .’
I looked up at him. ‘You said what I said was stupid.’
Flynn made a face. ‘Yeah, well, I don’t like it . . . how you see into me . . . it freaks me out . . .’
‘But understanding each other is a good thing, isn’t it?’
Flynn said nothing, just hugged me tighter.
‘So . . .’ I hesitated. ‘So . . . why do you get so angry?’
‘I dunno . . .’ Flynn’s voice was low and miserable. ‘I dunno . . . it’s just always there . . .’
I leaned against his chest. ‘I thought when I loved somebody it would be perfect,’ I whispered. ‘Like it is in . . . in the play. I thought it would be easy. We’d just know what to do. And we’d agree about everything. And—’
Flynn snorted. ‘You’re a frigging nutjob, River. You know that? A nutjob.’
He wound his arms round my neck.
We stood in silence for a while.
The music thumped away in the background. I could hear people laughing and shouting in the corridor outside.
Then Flynn sighed. ‘So . . . on top of thinking that I’m moody and rude and difficult – you also think I’m capable of doing it with your best friend behind your back and dumping you because you’re not quite ready to have sex with me.’ He looked down at me and grinned. ‘Have I left anything out?’
A trickle of relief seeped slowly through my brain as I looked up into his eyes. ‘Did I mention I think you’re hopelessly screwed up?’ I said.
Flynn leaned down and kissed my neck.
‘Oh, I think we’ve established that we’re both frigging screwed up,’ he murmured.
I twisted my head, searching for his mouth.
We kissed for a long time.
Finally Flynn drew back. ‘You could still come back to my place.’ He smiled at me, hopefully. ‘No pressure, but we could just sleep together. You know, all curled up.’
I grinned. Back in September I’d imagined love as one feeling. One big, grand, uncomplicated feeling. But it wasn’t like that at all. It’s made up of lots of feelings: trust and sex and fun and regret and forgiving and hope and . . . well, pretty much everything, really.
And, if you’re with the right person, it’s somehow bigger than all those things put together, too.
‘I guess we’d better say goodbye to everyone else, then,’ I said. ‘My bag’s in the kitchen. No. Honest, Flynn. It is. Under the sink.’
Flynn opened the door and slipped away to get my bag. I blinked into the dim light of the hall. Music seemed to be blaring out from all directions. Then I caught sight of Emmi and Grace, huddled together on the stairs. They saw me and came running over.
Emmi shook my arm. ‘Why d’you stop me, Riv?’ she pouted. ‘It was looking good. I mean, I could see he thought I was hot, but I’m pretty sure there was no way he’d have . . .’
‘I know.’ I laughed. ‘I just realised it was the wrong thing to do.’
Grace and Emmi exchanged glances. I grinned, suddenly feeling ridiculously happy. After all my worries I knew that Flynn loved me. And that I had two good friends who really cared about me.
I threw my arms around them both and hugged them tightly. ‘Thanks, guys,’ I beamed.
They drew back suspiciously.
‘So you’re okay about how he feels about you?’ Grace said tentatively.
I nodded.
‘And you’ve stopped worrying that he likes me because I was Juliet?’ Emmi asked.
I nodded.
‘And you don’t mind that he wants to . . . you know . . .’ Grace blushed.
‘. . . shag you senseless,’ Emmi added.
I shook my head.
Emmi pursed her lips. ‘I still think he’s trouble,’ she said.
‘So angry,’ Grace nodded. ‘And moody. And intense.’
‘Like the night,’ Emmi said darkly. She started quoting melodramatically from Romeo and Juliet.
‘Come, gentle night, come, loving black-brow’d night,
Give me my Romeo.’
I grinned at her, remembering the next lines:
And, when he shall die,
Take him and cut him out in little stars
And he will make the face of heaven so fine
That all the world will be in love with night . . .
Then I caught sight of Flynn by the front door.
And I forgot the play and the poetry.
And all I wanted was another kiss.
Award-winning books from Sophie McKenzie
GIRL, MISSING
Winner Richard and Judy Best Kids’ Books 2007 12+
Winner of the Red House Children’s Book Award 2007 12+
Winner of the Manchester Children’s Book Award 2008
Winner of the Bolton Children’s Book Award
Winner of the Grampian Children’s Book Award 2008
Winner of the John Lewis Solihull Book Award 2008
Winner of the Lewisham Children’s Book Award
Winner of the 2008 Sakura Medal
SIX STEPS TO A GIRL
Winner of the Manchester Children’s Book Award 2009
BLOOD TIES
Overall winner of the Red House Children’s Book Award 2009
Winner of the Leeds Book Award 2009 age 11–14 categ
ory
Winner of the Spellbinding Award 2009
Winner of the Lancashire Children’s Book Award 2009
Winner of the Portsmouth Book Award 2009 (Longer Novel section)
Winner of the Staffordshire Children’s Book Award 2009
Winner of the Southern Schools Book Award 2010
Winner of the RED Book Award 2010
Winner of the Warwickshire Secondary Book Award 2010
Winner of the Grampian Children’s Book Award 2010
Winner of the North East Teenage Book Award 2010
THE MEDUSA PROJECT: THE SET-UP
Winner of the North-East Book Award 2010
Winner of the Portsmouth Book Award 2010
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Sophie McKenzie was born and brought up in London, where she still lives with her teenage son. She has worked as a journalist and a magazine editor, but fell in love with writing after being made redundant and enrolling on a creative writing course, and now writes thriller and relationship novels for young adults. She burst into the publishing world with Girl, Missing (published 2006), which tallied up numerous award wins nationwide and was longlisted for the coveted Carnegie Medal. The sequel, Sister, Missing, was published in hardcover in Autumn 2011. Blood Ties (2008) was another multiple award-winner which again saw Sophie longlisted for the Carnegie Medal, and crowned winner of the North East Teen Book Award and the Red House Book Award amongst many others. Its follow-up, Blood Ransom, was published in 2010. Blood Ransom, was published in 2010. Falling Fast is the first title in her new Flynn series.
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