by Iliev, Neven
[Boxxy: Ambrosia, what do you think of me?]
[Ambrosia: … What hath come over thee, milord?]
[Boxxy: What do you mean?]
[Ambrosia: ‘Tis the first time thou hath enquired after mine opinion.]
[Boxxy: There’s a first time for everything, right? So please, answer me as truthfully as you can.]
[Ambrosia: If milord insists, then I shall oblige.]
There was a brief pause, as the dryad presumably gathered her thoughts.
[Ambrosia: This one believes milord Morningwood is an outstanding individual with potential the likes of which I hath never seen.]
[Ambrosia: Thy insight and adaptability concerning the world at large are truly worthy of praise.]
[Ambrosia: Milord also takes great care so as not to disrespect or harm mine body in any way, for which this one is truly grateful.]
[Ambrosia: Thy generosity and kindness hath touched this old soul deeply, and I find myself wishing to spend more time in thy company.]
[Ambrosia: ‘Tis also a rare opportunity for me to care for a youngling, which I find to be most fulfilling.]
That was… not quite what Boxxy expected. Or rather, wasn’t that way too high an opinion considering they only met a few days ago? Not to mention that the shapeshifter was pretty sure it hadn’t done anything nearly as great or benevolent as the things the dryad was describing. Then again, this attitude was likely due to the dungeon core’s influence twisting her perception of events. This was still good news, however, as the dryad seemed oblivious to Boxxy’s Taboo, at least for the moment. The doppelganger really didn’t want to test the limits of the dungeon core’s ability to keep an ancient being like Ambrosia in check. Hence why it wanted to keep its heretical inclinations a secret from her as much as possible.
To that end, the monster stealthily made its way over to the tree housing both its new lair and Keira’s home. It climbed up to the hidden dungeon entrance, where it waited patiently for Fizzy’s arrival. She couldn’t abuse Nexus Access, which meant she had to climb up via the stairs. A minute or so passed before the disguised door swung open from the inside, and the mithril golem shone brilliantly under the triple moonlight poking through the tree’s vast canopy.
“Hey, Boxxy!” she said in her usual, cheerful tone. “What did- Ugh! Oh my God!”
Well, that didn’t last long. Her face twisted into a scowl, as if she was staring at a disgusting cockroach she wanted to squish at all costs. It was the same look she kept giving Nasty back when the lich was still around, though slightly more subdued.
“I… accidentally committed a Taboo,” Boxxy informed her.
“Ugh. Yeah, I can feel that,” she cringed. “What in Ricardo’s holy doughnut did you do, Boxxy?!”
The shapeshifter explained the evening’s events, starting with the ritual and ending with it obtaining the Taboo Skill. Fizzy did her best to listen, but it was obvious, she was having a hard time even looking at Boxxy. The way she made the juvenile doppelganger feel could best be summed up as, ‘not tasty.’
“Yeah, I think I understand what happened,” she said, averting her gaze. “You transmuted something into gold, a valuable metal. Goroth hates that sort of thing. He’s the God of Artists and Artisans, someone who values perseverance and hard work above all else. Having people create expensive minerals for quick and easy profit really grinds his gears.”
She then threw Boxxy a brief, disgusted look before turning away again.
“Also, it’s impossible to ‘accidentally’ commit a Taboo. You knew full well that hobo’s bones would turn to gold when you did the deed, and you intentionally made him drink the cursed stuff.”
“I didn’t know Goroth would hate it, though,” it argued.
“Not knowing a law doesn’t mean you’re exempt from it!” she shot back.
“Well, what about Arms? That guy was clearly okay with me shining her up, so what’s up with that?”
“She’s a demon though. I mean, it’s not like her skeleton stuck around after you made her drink, right?”
“Okay, yeah, I see your point,” it conceded. “Look, I need your help getting rid of it this Taboo thing right away. It should be possible, right?”
“Depends. How much in the negative are you? Your Faith Attribute, I mean”
“Minus two.”
“Okay, that’s good. So long as it doesn’t go beyond negative ten then it’s a relatively easy fix. Just to make it clear, you do regret doing what you did, right?”
“Kind of. Mostly because of the Taboo Skill though…”
“Well, that’s better than nothing. So, kneel down, bow your head, and stand still so I can take care of it.”
“Okay.”
The elf-shaped monster assumed the position without protest, allowing the golem to easily place her hands on its shoulders. She hated having to, though. The way her fingers twitched despite her mechanical constitution made that abundantly clear, as did the near bone-crushing grip her digits eventually settled into. She then closed her eyes and spoke in a soft voice. Or at least as soft a voice as a mechanical throat and metal mouth could produce.
“Oh, merciful Gods! Behold this poor child who ignored Your will! It has ventured into sin out of ignorance and curiosity, and has unwittingly violated Your most sacred decrees. It has expressed the desire to repent in both mind and body, and solemnly swears to uphold Your values forever more! Your servant begs you, forgive this lost soul for its heretical actions!”
A soft, white radiance flowed out from the gnome’s body, ran across her arms and flowed into Boxxy’s faux-wood frame.
“Absolution!”
[A pious servant of the Gods has absolved you of your grievous sins.]
[A special action has been performed. FTH +5.]
[Proficiency level decreased. Taboo is no longer available.]
[Feat of strength performed! You have unlocked a new Perk: Seeker of Redemption.]
[The Blasphemous Hero Perk has been removed since you no longer meet the required conditions.]
The golem let out a small sigh and opened her eyes. Her face instantly slackened to her regular smiling expression.
“All done,” she declared.
Boxxy quickly checked its Status, just in case. It was relieved to find that all of the offensive entries were gone, and its FTH Attribute was at a healthy plus three.
“Wow, that was easy!” it exclaimed in surprise.
That brief ceremony was much more convenient than temporarily picking up the Paladin Job from Fizzy or scrambling to get Level Ups. As for Seeker of Redemption, the Perk had absolutely no effects whatsoever, and merely served as a ‘badge of honor’ for those who turned their backs on Taboo. Honestly speaking, Boxxy preferred it doing nothing. It was rapidly learning that Perks were sometimes more trouble than they were worth.
“Thanks, Fizzy,” it said, clearly in a good mood. “I’ll be counting on you the next time, too.”
“Oh no! No, no, no, no, no!” Fizzy waved her hands around angrily. “Don’t even think about using that Unholy Wealth thing again. Absolution is not a ceremony that can be used lightly. It drains away my own FTH Attribute to cast it, you know! Not to mention it will only work two or three times per person, and that’s only if they’re lucky. That might as well have been your only pardon.”
Forgiveness, it would seem, was a very finite resource.
“I see. I guess it can’t be helped then.”
The monster regretfully conceded that the cursed goblet in its Storage would have to be put away for the foreseeable future.
“What about the guy I already transmuted?” it asked a moment later.
“… I don’t know to be honest. Trying to profit off his golden bones might trigger another Taboo violation.”
“I’m not going to sell them though. I just want to add his skeleton to my collection.”
“Right, hmm… I’ll have to ask the guys at the guild later, so don’t do anything rash before that, okay?”
/> “Alright. Wait, guild? You joined one?”
“Yeah, the Hammers of Horkensaft. Many people in that artisan’s guild worship Goroth, so there’s a good chance someone there has the answers you’re looking for.”
“And you have no problems blending in with those guys?”
“None at all. They love me over there,” she proudly puffed out her chest. “They’ve never had an Arclight Artificer before, so they’re really interested in my work. They’re also a bunch of dwarves and gnomes so they’re not too bothered by having a golem around. Well, I guess it’s a bit annoying to have those lowly meatbags asking to examine my mithril frame, but for the most part they seem content to just admire my flawless construction from afar.”
Boxxy completely understood that attitude. Fizzy’s shininess was truly breathtaking at times, so their behavior was only to be expected. Come to think of it, dwarves seemed to enjoy shiny things almost as much as Boxxy did. The shapeshifter realized it might be a good idea to get better acquainted with them, mostly to see if they had anything especially shiny worth stealing. Having a bunch of coins and gemstones was well and good, but it really wanted to get its tentacles on some purely decorate stuff like statuettes or ceremonial armor.
Variety was, after all, the spice of life.
With the Taboo crisis swiftly averted, Boxxy went back into the dungeon and moved to the dungeon core platform with Fizzy in tow. Ambrosia had been patiently waiting for Boxxy’s return, while still hanging onto Minic. Now that she had the chance, she presented the golem with the Bracelet of Allegiance she had prepared in advance, which was graciously accepted. The dryad’s expression became slightly more relaxed the instant Fizzy put the simple-looking bracelet on her right wrist. As expected, Ambrosia did feel a bit uneasy around invaders in her dungeon, even if they were ‘milord’s servants.’ Boxxy, on the other hand, made sure to turn on the Surveillance Net’s intruder alerts, just in case.
Then came the moment that the shapeshifter had been looking forward to for literally the entire latter half of its life.
1-800-7355-9687-7685
*Beep … Beep*
*Click*
“You have reached Demons ‘R’ Us.”
Boxxy got the usual textbook greeting, although that smooth, silky, almost sensual voice was not one it had heard before.
“My name is Janet and I will be your liaison today.”
Yeah okay, that definitely wasn’t who it expected.
“Hello?” Janet asked after a few seconds of silence.
“Where’s Carl?”
“I’m sorry sir, but- Oh. OH!? Oh my god! Is this Boxxy?!”
“It is.”
“The Boxxy T. Morningwood?!”
“Yes?”
“Oh, wow! This! Is! So! Cool! I am a huge fan of your work!”
“Uh… okay?”
“I mean it! I loved every single thing I’ve seen you do! I think my personal favorite was the way you smashed that Jade King fellow or whatever his face was! Like, he didn’t even get a chance to show off before you annihilated him! It was amazing! Oh damn, the girls are never going to believe I got to speak with the Hero of Chaos!”
“…. So, where’s Carl?” asked Boxxy, making sure to make the irritation clear in its tone.
“Oh, who cares about Carl,” she scoffed. “Let’s talk about you!”
“I’m hanging up now.”
“No! Mister Morningwood, sir! Please wait!”
*Click*
Okay. That was weird. This entire day was just one surprise after the other. Admittedly a little excitement every now and then wasn’t a bad thing, but this was too much. Whoever that woman was, it didn’t seem like-
*Ring-ring*
Demons ‘R’ Us called Boxxy back a few seconds later, prompting it to immediately answer.
*Click*
“Hello?”
“Hey, buddy.”
“Carl! Finally! You would not believe how unprofessional that Janet person was.”
The shapeshifter had a few opinions regarding the demonic agency, but chief among them was that it expected employees to conduct themselves in an appropriate manner.
“Yeah, tell me about it. Look, I’m sorry you had to hear that. It’s just that we’re a bit swamped right now, what with the Lunar Convergence going on. The system’s overloaded, so some folks get redirected to the wrong devils, some of whom are kinda new. Jarogib- I mean, Janet’s one of those rookies and her conduct was completely unacceptable. I give you my personal guarantee you won’t be connected to anyone other than me ever again.”
“Good enough for me.”
“So, what can I help you with today, Boxxy?”
Well, the original purpose was to obtain its third demonic contract as a result of reaching Level 8 of its Demonology Skill. However, a more pressing question was on Boxxy’s mind right now.
“Before that I would like to clarify something.”
“I’ll do my best to answer any and all concerns you may have, so long as they fall within the scope of your contract.”
“How come Janet knew everything I was doing?”
It sounded like she’d been made privy to Boxxy’s entire life. It wasn’t just her, either. Carl had hinted at knowing a lot more about the shapeshifter’s exploits during previous conversations. Overlord Liusolra’s note was also strangely casual and familiar, almost as if she had been familiar with the creature prior to being summoned.
“That’s probably your familiars’ fault. They brag incessantly, you know.”
“Carl. You’re bullshitting me right now. Either tell me what’s going on, or I’m going to personally complain to Tracy. You wouldn’t want that now, would you?”
Admittedly Boxxy had no idea how to contact the Goddess of Discord, but Carl hopefully didn’t know that.
“Yeah… Okay,” the otherworldly entity conceded with a sigh. “You’re bound to find out eventually, so I might as well tell you. You know how the big boss upstairs keeps a very close eye on everything you’re doing, purely for entertainment?”
“I’m aware, yes. What of it?”
“So… He’s been… sort of… sharing your adventures with the rest of us.”
“What? Why?”
“Blessed if I know. He probably thought it would be fun.”
“Can he even do that?”
“Yes. Remember those broadcasts I mentioned a while back?”
“Right. That. So, he’s been showing what I do to everyone at Demons ‘R’ Us?”
“… That’s one way of putting it,” Carl said evasively.
“It’s not just those who work at Demons ‘R’ Us, is it?”
“No.”
Boxxy took a deep breath.
“How many?”
“Well, it’s hard to get an accurate number on account of-”
“How many demons, Carl?!”
“… All of them.”
“All of them?! You’re saying every single demon out there knows what I’ve been up to?!”
“Pretty much.”
“Since when?!”
“Ever since you became a Hero. Although, there are reruns while you sleep so… we’ve seen pretty much everything since the Monotal thing.”
“Well… Do you guys have to watch me?”
“No, not really. We can tune out the Progenitor’s broadcasts of the Boxxy Show if we wish. It’s just that we have literally nothing better to do over here.”
“… Can they see me right now?”
“Oh, yeah. You’re in the corner of my mind as we speak, just sort of sitting there in the tree, doing nothing in particular.”
“What about this conversation?”
“Demons ‘R’ Us considers contracts a private matter, so you can be assured this call isn’t part of the broadcast. Same goes for most forms of telepathic communication, but audio and visual stuff comes through loud and clear.”
“You could’ve told me about this sooner, you know.”
“What, a
nd ruin the fun?”
Boxxy took a few moments to process the demon’s words. It analyzed their implications and decided on a course of action.
“At least I’m popular, right?”
Janet’s reaction would suggest as much, but getting some actual confirmation seemed like a good idea.
“Oh, immensely so. A recent survey said all but 4% of demons tuned into the Boxxy Show on a daily basis,” Carl explained. “We’ve had a bunch of other similar broadcasts with Abraham’s previous Heroes, but yours is by far the biggest hit we’ve seen.”
“Then it’s okay if I take a few minutes to address my audience, right?”
“Uhh, I guess? It’s your show, you can do whatever you damn well please. And you usually do. That’s what makes this whole thing so interesting in the first place.”
“Good. That’s good. Can you hold for a few minutes?”
“Sure.”
Boxxy told Ambrosia and Fizzy to go about their business, then used Nexus Access to return to the highest point in the dungeon. It climbed back up to the site where the Unholy Wealth ritual took place and reverted into its base doppelganger form. It stared intently at a random point in the horizon for a few seconds, and then its featureless face split open like a fleshy book filled with teeth.
“Hello, demons and demonettes,” it stated in a clear, commanding voice. “In case some of you have not realized, there is currently an opening for the position of my third contracted familiar. I will be finalizing said contract in three hours’ time. If any of you think you have what it takes to fulfill that role, then please contact Carl from Demons ‘R’ Us with your application. I will only accept the most motivated of applicants, so make sure you demand to be picked while entering this little contest.”
It tilted its head slightly and showed a toothy, sideways smile.
“I trust the best of you will not back down in the face of your clearly inferior competitors.”
Of course, there was nobody around in the dead of night to actually answer Boxxy’s provocative words, except for a certain devil that was still on the other end of the trans-dimensional call.
“What was that about?!”
“What?” Boxxy asked innocently.
“You know how much of a massive pain in the ass this will be to deal with!?” Carl complained. “I’ve already got like forty demons lined up outside my office screaming over each other! Why not just make a contract the usual way?!”
