by Sarah Dessen
‘It’s pretty impressive.’
‘Maybe,’ she said. ‘Too bad it’s not what impresses my mom.’
‘No?’ She shook her head. ‘What does, then?’
‘Oh, I don’t know,’ she said. ‘Maybe if I’d agreed to do the debutante thing like she wanted. Or taken up pageants instead of riding jump bikes with a bunch of grungy boys. I’d always tell her, why can’t I do both? Who says you have to be either smart or pretty, or into girly stuff or sports? Life shouldn’t be about the either/or. We’re capable of more than that, you know?’
Clearly, she was. Not that I’d seen it, really, until now. ‘Yeah,’ I said. ‘That does make sense.’
She smiled, then grabbed her keys off the desk, sliding them into her pocket. ‘I’m going to go clean up the denim section while you finish up. Finding those slim boot cuts for that woman was work. But it was so worth it. Her butt looked great when she left here.’
‘I bet,’ I said, and then she was gone back down the hallway to fold. I sat there for a minute, in that pink and orange room, thinking about what impressed my mom, and the either/or I’d been stuck in for so long. Maybe it was true, and being a girl could be about interest rates and skinny jeans, riding bikes and wearing pink. Not about any one thing, but everything.
Over the next couple of weeks, I fell into the perfect routine. Mornings were for sleep, evenings for work. My nights were for Eli.
These days, I didn’t have to make it look like I was bumping into him accidentally. Instead, it was understood that we met each evening after I got off work at the Gas/ Gro, where we fueled up on both gas (coffee) and gro (you never knew what you might need) and planned our evening’s activities. Which meant errands, eating pie with Clyde, and working on my quest, one item at a time.
‘Really?’ I said, one night around one as we stood outside Tallyho, Leah’s favorite club. There was a neon sign in the window that said HOLA MARGARITAS! and a beefy, bored-looking guy sitting on a stool by the door, checking messages on his phone. ‘You think I need to do this?’
‘Yup,’ Eli said. ‘Hitting a club is a rite of passage. And you get extra points if it’s a bad club.’
‘But I don’t have an ID,’ I told him as we walked closer, passing a girl in a red dress, puffy eyed and stumbling.
‘You don’t need one.’
‘Are you sure?’
Instead of answering, he reached down and grabbed my hand, and I felt a jolt run through me. Since that night at the hot-dog party, we’d been closer, but this was the first real physical contact between us. I was so busy worrying about what it might mean that it took me a minute to realize how natural and easy his palm felt against mine. Like it wasn’t new at all, but something I’d done recently and often, that familiar.
‘Hey,’ Eli said to the bouncer as we approached. ‘What’s the cover?’
‘You got ID?’
Eli pulled out his wallet, then handed over his license. The guy glanced at it, then at him, before giving it back. ‘What about her?’
‘She forgot hers,’ Eli said. ‘But don’t worry, I’ll vouch for her.’
The guy gave him a flat look. ‘Honor system doesn’t fly here, sorry.’
‘I hear you,’ Eli replied. ‘But maybe you can make an exception.’
I expected the guy to react in some way, but if anything he looked even more bored than before. ‘No ID, no exceptions.’
‘It’s fine,’ I said to Eli. ‘Really.’
He held up his hand, quieting me. Then he said, ‘Look. We don’t want to drink. We don’t even want to stay long. Five minutes, max.’
The bouncer, now starting to look annoyed, said, ‘What part of no ID, no entry, do you not understand?’
‘What if I told you’ – Eli pressed on as I squirmed, worrying my palm was now entirely sticky against his – ‘that this was a quest?’
The guy just looked at him. Through the door, I could hear bass thumping, thumping. Finally he said, ‘What kind of quest?’
No way, I thought. There’s just no way.
‘She’s never done anything,’ Eli told him, gesturing at me. ‘No parties in high school, no prom, no homecoming. No social life, ever.’ The bouncer looked at me, and I tried to look adequately culturally stunted. ‘So we’re just, you know, trying to make up for lost stuff, one thing at a time. This is on the list.’
‘Tallyho is on the list?’
‘Going to a club is,’ Eli told him. ‘Not drinking at a club. Not even staying at a club. Just going.’
The bouncer looked at me again. He said, ‘For five minutes.’
‘Maybe even four,’ Eli replied.
I just stood there, feeling my heart beat, and then the guy was reaching for my hand, pulling a rubber stamp out from his chest pocket. He pressed it against mine, then gestured for Eli’s so he could do the same. ‘Stay away from the bar,’ he said. ‘And you’ve got five minutes.’
‘Awesome,’ Eli said, and with that, he was tugging me inside.
‘Wait,’ I said as we headed down a dark, narrow hallway that led to a room full of flashing lights, ‘how did you do that?’
‘I told you,’ he said over his shoulder. He had to yell over the music, which was just getting louder. ‘Everyone understands a quest.’
I wasn’t sure how to reply to this. Not that I could have anyway, as we emerged into the club, which was so loud I couldn’t hear anything, even my own voice. It was a single room, square, lined with booths on three sides, a bar on the other. The dance floor was in the middle, and it was packed with people: girls in tight shirts, holding beer bottles, guys with deep tans and faux-surfer gear shuffling their feet alongside them.
‘This is crazy,’ I yelled to Eli, who was still holding my hand. He either didn’t hear or just didn’t reply, though, pulling me alongside the dance floor.
I was trying to step over feet and purses, and barely succeeding, the floor thumping beneath me with every beat. The air felt thick and sticky, and smelled like perfume and smoke, and already I’d broken a sweat, even though we’d been in there for mere seconds. It was like being in a carnival fun house, but with a copious amount of hair gel.
‘Last dance!’ I heard a voice yell from somewhere overhead, filtering through the pounding music. ‘Grab someone and hit the floor, it’s already tomorrow!’
Suddenly, the song changed, in midbeat, to something slow with a more quiet, sensual beat. There was a bunch of hooting from somewhere on the floor, and the crowd there changed, with some people leaving, the remainders pairing up as new couples joined them. I was so immersed in watching this that when Eli suddenly hung a sharp left, pulling me into the crowd, I almost lost my footing and went down entirely.
‘Wait,’ I said as we brushed past one couple in mid-grope, followed by a guy and a girl totally grinding on each other. She was still holding her beer, the bottle dangling from two fingers. ‘I don’t know if I –’
He stopped walking. I pulled up short beside him, my hand still in his, and realized we were in the center of the floor, a bunch of spinning lights over our heads. I looked up at them, then at everyone around us, before turning back to him.
‘Come on,’ he said. Then he stepped forward, letting loose of my hand and sliding his arms down to my waist. ‘We’ve still got a good two minutes.’
I smiled at him, in spite of myself, and felt my feet step forward, closer. It came so naturally to put my arms around his neck, my fingers finding each other there. And just like that, we were dancing.
‘This is insane,’ I said, looking around me. ‘It’s…’
‘Worth doing once,’ he finished for me. ‘But only once.’
I smiled, and then, in the middle of Tallyho, in the middle of the night, in the middle of everything, Eli kissed me. It was not at all how I’d imagined it happening, and yet totally perfect anyway.
When he pulled back moments later, the song was winding down. And yet everyone kept dancing, kept holding on, until the very end. I rested my
head against Eli’s chest, letting it last, knowing that what the DJ had said was true. It was already tomorrow. But I had a feeling it was going to be a really good day.
When I woke up at noon, the house was quiet. No waves, no crying. Nothing, except…
‘Are you kidding? Of course I’ll come. I wouldn’t miss it!’
I blinked, rolling over, then got out of bed and made my way to the bathroom, where I woke up slowly while brushing my teeth. My dad’s voice, louder now, kept drifting down the hallway.
‘No, no, there’s a couple of daily flights…’ There was the sound of keys clacking. ‘Sure. The timing couldn’t be better. I’ll bring the draft with me. Yes. Great! See you then.’
By the time I came down for coffee ten minutes later, he was in the kitchen, pacing back and forth. Heidi was at the table, looking bleary, with Isby in her arms.
‘… a great opportunity to get my name back out there,’ my dad was saying. ‘Lots of industry types, just the people I need to make contact with. It’s perfect.’
‘It’s tonight?’ Heidi asked. ‘Isn’t that kind of short notice?’
‘Does it matter? I’ll just book a flight, head up there for a night, and then come back.’
I pulled a mug out of the cupboard, watching Heidi as she processed this information. It took a while, but then everything did on the mornings after Isby was up crying, as she had been most of the night before. Sleep deprivation dulled all Heidi’s edges, but especially the cognitive ones.
‘When?’ she said finally.
‘When what?’
In her arms, Isby squawked, and she winced, putting her over her shoulder. ‘When will you be back?’
‘Sometime tomorrow. Maybe in the evening,’ my dad replied. He was all jacked up, still moving around. ‘As long as I’m there, I might as well try to take some meetings. At least set up a lunch.’
Heidi swallowed, then looked down at Isby, who was snuffling into her shoulder. ‘I just,’ she began, then stopped. ‘I’m not sure this is a good time for you to go away.’
‘What?’ my dad said. ‘Why?’
I took a sip from my mug, making a point of keeping my back to all of this.
‘Well,’ Heidi said after a moment, ‘it’s just that the baby’s been really fussy lately. I haven’t slept in so long… I just don’t know if I can…’
My dad stopped walking. ‘You want me to stay.’
It was not a question. Heidi said, ‘Robert, I’m just wondering if you could wait a couple more weeks. Until we’re on more of a schedule.’
‘This party is tonight,’ he said slowly. ‘That’s the whole point.’
‘I know. But I just think –’
‘Fine.’
I grabbed the carafe, filling my cup again, even though I’d barely taken two sips of what I had.
‘Robert –’
‘No. I’ll just call Peter and tell him no, sorry, I can’t make it. I’m sure there will be another Writers’ Guild benefit in a few weeks.’
I didn’t want to be part of this. Not ever, but especially not today, which I’d started so happily on the floor of Tallyho, with Eli. So I made it a point not to look at Heidi or my dad as I slipped out of the kitchen and back upstairs to my room, where I pushed open my window and sat on the sill, letting the ocean drown out anything else I might have heard.
Still, I was not surprised when I came down a couple of hours later to see a small carry-on suitcase by the door. My dad might have made an effort to sound like he would compromise. But again, he had gotten his way.
By the time I left for work, he was already gone, and Heidi was in the pink room, rocking Isby in her chair. I paused outside the door, thinking I should probably check in with her, but then I stopped myself. It wasn’t like she’d asked me for help. And I was tired of always offering it anyway.
At Clementine’s, I busied myself in the office, trying to focus on Eli and the night ahead. Out on the floor, Maggie had a steady stream of customers, thanks to an outdoor concert that was going on at the boardwalk pavilion. Around nine thirty, she stuck her head in the office door.
‘Have you seen anything about a Barefoot special order?’
I glanced up at her, my head still swimming with numbers. ‘A what?’
‘Barefoot flip-flops?’ she said. ‘There’s someone here who said they set up a special order for, like, twenty pairs with Heidi ages ago. I can’t find a record of it anywhere.’
I shook my head. ‘Did you call her?’
‘I hate to bother her. The baby might be sleeping.’
‘Unlikely,’ I said. Then I handed her the phone, dialing it first.
She glanced back out at the floor, the receiver cocked between her ear and shoulder, as I turned back to the payroll. ‘Heidi? Hi, it’s Maggie. Look I just… are you okay?’
I pulled the calculator closer, clearing the screen. Outside, I could hear some girls squealing over the clearance rack.
‘No, it’s just, you sounded…’ Maggie paused. ‘What? Yeah, I can tell. She’s really crying, huh? Look, I’m so sorry I bothered you, but there’s this special order thing…’
Eli, I thought, punching in a number. Tonight. Hit the plus sign. Not my problem, subtotal, total. It took three different transactions, but finally, Maggie hung up.
‘She says they’re in the storeroom, in one of the jeans boxes,’ she reported, handing the phone back to me. ‘At least, I think that’s what she was saying. It was hard to tell with all the crying.’
‘Yeah,’ I said, clearing the screen again. ‘Isby can really let it rip.’
‘Not her,’ she replied. ‘It was Heidi. She sounds miserable. Is she all right?’
I turned, looking at her. ‘Heidi was crying?’
‘She acted like she wasn’t. But you can tell, you know?’ The door chimed again. ‘Crap. I gotta get back out there. Can you go look for that box for me?’
I nodded. Then I sat there for a second before pushing out my chair and heading into the storeroom, where I found the flip-flops right where Heidi said they’d be. I picked up the box, carrying it out to the floor, where Maggie shot me a grateful look as I slid it onto the counter. Then I pushed out the front door and turned toward home.
I actually would have felt better if I’d heard Isby’s familiar wailing as I stepped into the foyer, but instead it was quiet. I went down the dark hallway to the kitchen, where a single light was on over the sink. The living room was dark, so dark that at first I didn’t even see Heidi.
She was sitting on the couch, Isby in her arms, and she was crying. Not with gasps and shrieks, the kind I was used to, but a silent, constant weeping that gave me a chill up the back of my neck. It was such a raw, personal moment that I wanted to turn around and let her have it in peace. But I knew I couldn’t.
‘Heidi?’ I said. She didn’t respond. I moved closer, squatting down beside her. When I reached out, touching her leg, she sobbed harder, tears dripping down onto my hand. I looked at Isby, who was awake and staring up at her. ‘Give me the baby.’
She shook her head. Still crying, her shoulders shaking.
‘Heidi. Please.’ No response. She was scaring me, so I reached out, taking Isby from her arms. As soon as I did, she curled into herself, pulling her knees to her chest, and turned her face away from me.
I looked at her, then at Isby. I had no idea what to do. And while I knew I should probably call my dad, or even my mom, I instead walked to the kitchen and dialed the one number I thought might put me in contact with someone who could help.
‘Gas/Gro, Wanda speaking.’
In my mind, I could see the cashier that was always there at this time of night, with her dangling earrings and blonde hair. I cleared my throat.
‘Hi, Wanda.’ I jiggled Isby, who was sputtering a bit. ‘I, um… this is Auden, I come in there a lot around this time of night for coffee? I’m trying to find Eli Stock? It’s kind of an emergency, I mean, not really, but he’s about twenty or so, dark hair, drives a
black –’
‘Hello?’
At the sound of Eli’s voice, I felt some small part of me relax. ‘Hi. It’s me.’ I paused, then clarified, ‘Auden.’
‘I had a feeling,’ he replied. ‘I am not sure who else would actually call me at the Gas/Gro.’
‘Yeah,’ I said, glancing at Heidi, who was harder than ever to see now in the dark of the living room, curled into the couch. ‘Sorry about that. I just kind of have a situation here, and I’m not sure what to do.’
‘A situation,’ he repeated. ‘What’s going on?’
I stepped into the foyer, putting Isby over my shoulder, and told him. As I did, faintly, distantly, I could hear Heidi, still sobbing.
‘Sit tight,’ he said when I was done. ‘I know just what to do.’
Twenty minutes later, there was a knock at the door. When I walked over and opened it, there was Eli, carrying four cups of GroRoast and a pack of cupcakes. ‘Coffee?’ I said. ‘This is your solution?’
‘No,’ he replied. ‘This is.’
And he stepped aside, revealing a small, middle-aged woman with short dark hair. She had familiar olive skin and green eyes, and was wearing a sensible cardigan and slacks, a purse strapped across her, and spotless white tennis shoes.
‘Mom, this is Auden. Auden, my mom. Karen Stock.’
‘Hi,’ I said. ‘Thank you for coming. I just… I don’t know what to do.’
She smiled at me, then leaned closer, looking down at Isby, who was now starting to fuss. ‘How old’s the baby?’
‘Six weeks.’
‘And where’s Mom?’
‘In the living room,’ I said, stepping back from the door. ‘She’s just crying; she won’t even talk to me.’
Mrs. Stock came inside. Then she looked at Eli and said, ‘Take the baby upstairs and swaddle her. I’ll be up shortly.’
He nodded, and then looked at me.
‘Should I…’ I asked. ‘I mean –’
‘She’ll be just fine,’ she said. ‘Just trust me.’
And the weird thing was, I did. Even as I stood there, watching this stranger walk past me into the living room. She put her purse down on the kitchen table, then moved over to Heidi, sitting down beside her. When she began to speak, I couldn’t make out a word she was saying. But Heidi was listening. It was clear in the way that, after a moment, she let Mrs. Stock pull her into her arms, patting her on the back as she allowed herself to be the one soothed, finally.
