by Sarah Dessen
‘Really?’ She clapped her hands. ‘That’s great!’
‘Yeah. Jason just asked me.’
She blinked. ‘Jason…’
‘My friend from home,’ I said. She still looked quizzical, so I picked up my phone, flashing it at her. ‘The texter.’
‘Oh! The one who stood you up!’
I nodded.
‘Well. That’s very…’
‘Lame?’ I said.
‘I was going to say full circle, actually, or something to that effect,’ she said slowly. ‘What, you don’t want to go?’
‘No, I do.’ I looked down at my hands again. ‘I mean, it’s a second chance. I think I’d be stupid not to take it.’
‘True.’ She sat back, running a hand through her hair. ‘They don’t come around that often.’
I nodded, thinking of Jason at the Last Chance, how he’d been waiting for me in a booth and smiled broadly when I came in the door. Over burgers and onion rings, he’d gone on and on about the leadership conference, and how great it was going, and listening to him felt so familiar, but not in a bad way. It was like reversing, going back to the spring when we’d shared lunches and talked about school and classes. And when he cleared his throat and said he had something to ask me, that was familiar, too, and I’d agreed easily. It was just that simple.
Now, I looked at Heidi, who was staring out the window over the sink, and remembered how I’d once seen her based on her effervescent e-mails and girly clothes, all flash, no substance. I’d thought I knew so much when I’d arrived here, the smartest girl in the room. But I’d been wrong.
‘Hey,’ I said, ‘can I ask you something?’
She looked over at me. ‘Of course.’
‘A few weeks back,’ I began, ‘you said something about how my mom wasn’t a truly cold bitch. How she couldn’t be, because they always end up alone. Do you remember that?’
Heidi furrowed her brow, thinking. ‘Vaguely.’
‘And then you said you knew all about cold bitches, because you used to be one yourself.’
‘Right,’ she said. ‘So what’s your question?’
‘I guess…’ I stopped, taking a breath. ‘Were you really, though?’
‘A cold bitch?’ she asked.
I nodded.
‘Oh, yeah. Totally.’
‘I just can’t picture that,’ I said. ‘I mean, you that way.’
Heidi smiled. ‘Well, you didn’t know me before I came here and met your father. I was just out of business school, totally uptight. Ruthless, actually. I was killing myself gaining capital so I could open a boutique in New York. I had a business plan, and all these investor contacts, a loan, the whole deal. Nothing else mattered.’
‘I never knew you lived in New York.’
‘It was my plan, after I graduated,’ she said. ‘But then my mom got sick, and I had to come home here to Colby for the summer to take care of her. I’d known Isabel and Morgan since high school, so I got a job with them waiting tables, just to make some extra cash for my move.’
‘You worked at the Last Chance?’
‘That’s how I met your dad,’ she said. ‘He’d just had his faculty interview at Weymar and came in for lunch. It was slow, so we started talking. And it just went from there. At the end of the summer, my mom got better for a little while, so I said good-bye to your dad and left. But once I was in New York, it just didn’t feel right. I didn’t have the hunger for it anymore.’
‘Really.’
She drew in a breath. ‘I’d come here planning to leave as soon as I could. It was a pit stop, not a destination. I had my whole life mapped out.’
‘So what happened?’
‘I guess that map didn’t turn out to be mine after all,’ she said. ‘So I left New York, married your dad, and used my money to open Clementine’s. And weird as it sounds, it felt perfectly right. Totally different, but perfectly right.’
I thought of her face when I’d come home that night, the sad way she’d told me about her talk with my dad. ‘Does it still? Feel right, I mean.’
She looked at me for a moment. Then she said, ‘Actually, yes. Of course, I wish things were different with your dad and me right now. But I have Thisbe, and my work… I have what I wanted, even if it isn’t perfect. If I’d stayed in New York, I would have always wondered if that was possible.’
‘No tinge,’ I said.
‘What?’
I shook my head. ‘Nothing.’
Heidi pushed her chair out, getting to her feet. ‘In the end, I went away for the summer, fell in love, and everything changed. It’s the oldest story in the world.’
The way she was looking at me as she said this made me suddenly uncomfortable, and I turned my attention back to my purse in my lap. ‘Yeah,’ I replied, pulling my phone out. ‘I guess I have heard that before.’
In response, she said nothing, instead just running a hand over the top of my head as she passed by me. ‘Good night, Auden,’ she said, stifling a yawn. ‘Sleep well.’
‘You, too.’
And the thing was, I knew I would. Sleep, that is, and maybe even well. That was one thing that had definitely changed for me in my time here. The love part, and everything else… that didn’t apply. But you never knew. I had a prom date, with it another chance to draw my own map. The summer wasn’t over yet, so maybe the story wasn’t either.
• • •
‘Okay,’ Leah said, hiking up her dress to examine the hem. ‘I am having major flashbacks right now. Didn’t we just do this?’
‘We did,’ Esther told her. ‘In May.’
‘And why are we doing it again?’
‘Because it’s the Beach Bash!’ Maggie said.
‘That’s a statement, not an explanation,’ Leah replied. ‘And it’s definitely not reason enough to go through all this again.’
We were in Heidi’s bedroom, where she’d sent us after hearing us complain, en masse, about not being able to find anything decent to wear to the Beach Bash Prom. My stepmother continued to surprise me. Not only was she a former cold bitch, but a shopaholic, as well. She had tons of dresses, in a variety of sizes, that she’d bought over the years. Vintage, classic, entirely eighties, you name it and it was there.
‘We need dates, too, remember,’ Leah said. ‘Unless Heidi’s got some hot guys tucked away behind those shoe boxes.’
‘You never know,’ I said, peering into the deep recesses of the closet. ‘At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised.’
‘Dates aren’t mandatory, this time,’ Maggie said. ‘Let’s just all go together. It’ll be easier not having to deal with boys anyway.’
Leah shot her a look. ‘No way. If I’m having to get all dolled up and wear a nice dress, I want a cute boy to go with it. It’s a deal breaker.’
‘Well,’ I said, opening up the other side closet door, ‘tonight is Ladies’ Night at Tallyho.’
‘Finally!’ Leah pointed at me. ‘Someone understands.’
‘Easy for her to say,’ Esther said. ‘She’s the only one with a date.’
‘But not a dress,’ I replied, pulling out a black, low-cut sheath, then immediately putting it back. It was a small detail, I knew. And it wasn’t like this was a real prom. But it would probably be the only one I’d ever attend, so I was determined to make the most of it. So far, though, everything I’d found had been too something: too bright, too short, too long, too much.
‘Oh, man!’ Esther spun around, holding against herself a pink fifties-style dress with a full, stiff crinoline. ‘How much will you bet me to wear this without any sense of irony?’
‘You have to,’ Maggie said, reaching out to touch the skirt. ‘God. It’s perfect for you.’
‘Only if you wear that black one you had on earlier, the Audrey Hepburn–looking one,’ Esther told her.
‘You think? It’s so dressy.’
‘So wear flip-flops with it. They are your trademark.’
Maggie walked over, picking up the black dr
ess from the bed. ‘That could work. What do you think, Leah?’
‘I think,’ Leah, who was pulling a bright red number over her tank top, said, ‘that if I’m going to go to this thing dateless, I could wear a garbage bag and it wouldn’t matter.’
‘Why do you need a guy to dress up?’ Maggie asked. ‘Aren’t we, your oldest and dearest friends, good enough company?’
‘Maggie.’ Leah yanked the dress down farther. ‘It’s a prom. Not a sisterhood retreat.’
‘And this may be the last big thing we all do together before college. It’s almost August, the summer is practically over.’
‘Don’t,’ Esther threatened, pointing at her. ‘Remember the rules. No waxing nostalgic until the twentieth. We agreed.’
‘I know, I know,’ Maggie said, fluttering her hands in front of her face. She walked over to the bed, sitting down with the black dress across her lap. ‘I just… I can’t believe that it’s all really going to be over soon. This time next year, everything will be different.’
‘God, I hope so.’
‘Leah!’
Leah looked over from the mirror, where she was eyeing her reflection. ‘What? So I’m hoping a year from now I’ll have a great boyfriend and total life satisfaction. A girl can dream, can’t she?’
‘This is not so bad, though,’ Maggie said. ‘What we have, and had. It’s not.’
‘No,’ I said, pushing aside another couple of dresses. ‘It isn’t.’
I just sort of said this, not really thinking. It wasn’t until the room got quiet that I realized they were all looking at me. ‘See,’ Maggie said, nodding at me. ‘Auden understands.’
‘She understood about Tallyho, too,’ Leah grumbled. ‘Not that anyone else cared about that.’
‘Seriously, though.’ Maggie looked at me. ‘She didn’t get to do all this, back then. If you need a reason to go to the prom, and dress up, and do it all over again, do it for Auden. She missed it the first time around.’
Leah glanced at me, then back at her reflection. ‘I don’t know,’ she said. ‘It’s a lot to ask.’
‘So what,’ Esther said, bouncing up and down, her crinoline rustling. ‘It gives you an excuse to go to Tallyho.’
‘True,’ Leah agreed.
‘You don’t have to, you know,’ I said to Maggie, who was watching me as I pulled on another dress. ‘I’ve got Jason to go with. I’ll be fine.’
‘No way,’ she replied. ‘For the true prom experience, you need your friends there.’
‘Because who else but your friends,’ Esther said, ‘would agree to help you re-create your past, just to fix some wrong that’s been niggling you ever since?’
‘Nobody,’ Leah said.
‘Nobody,’ Maggie repeated.
They were all looking at me. ‘Nobody,’ I said, although I could think of one other answer besides this one, even if I couldn’t say it out loud.
Even with my affirmation, though, they continued to stare at me, to the point that I started to wonder if I had ink on my face, or my underwear was showing. I was just about to do a panicked mirror check when Maggie said, ‘Wow. Auden. That’s the one.’
‘The what?’ I said.
‘Your dress,’ Esther said, nodding at me. ‘It looks amazing.’
I looked down at the purple dress I’d pulled on moments earlier, which I hadn’t even really looked at that closely, yanking it from the closet only because it was not red or black or white, like everything else I’d tried on. Now, though, as I stepped in front of the mirror, I saw that it did fit me pretty well. The neckline was flattering, the skirt full, and I liked how it brought out my eyes. It wasn’t a dress to stop traffic, but maybe I didn’t need that anyway.
‘Really?’ I said.
‘Definitely.’ Maggie came over to stand beside me, reaching out a hand to touch the skirt. ‘Don’t you like it?’
I studied my reflection. I’d never been one for dresses or bold colors, and had never owned anything that shade of purple before in my life. I looked like a different girl. But maybe that was the point. And like having the right snacks, for a true adventure, the proper attire is everything.
‘Yeah,’ I said, reaching down with my fingers to pull the skirt to one side. When I dropped it, it swished back, rearranging itself, as if it already knew where it belonged. ‘It’s perfect.’
Chapter
SEVENTEEN
The morning of the Beach Bash, I woke at eight A.M. to the sound of Isby crying through our shared wall. I rolled over, burying my head in the pillow, and waited for Heidi to come and quiet her down. A few minutes later, the crying turned to sobbing, and I began to wonder what was going on. When she started to all-out scream, I went to investigate.
I found her on her back in her crib, red faced, hair matted down with sweat. When she saw me lean over her, she yelled louder, waving her arms madly in front of her face. When I picked her up, cradling her against me, she quieted down, emitting only a bunch of little gasps, like hiccups.
‘You’re okay,’ I told her, jiggling her slightly as I stuck my head out in the hallway. No sign yet of Heidi, which was sort of worrisome, so I went back in and changed the baby’s diaper, which cheered her up considerably. Then I swaddled her up and headed downstairs, where I came upon Heidi sitting at the kitchen table, boxes of prom favors stacked all around her, the phone to her ear.
‘Yes, Robert, I understand your predicament,’ she was saying as she fiddled with a coffee mug in front of her. ‘But the truth is I was counting on you, and I don’t know if I can find someone else on such short notice.’
I could hear my dad’s voice, distant, replying to this through the receiver. It made me realize how long it had been since I’d spoken to him: a week, maybe even two. He’d finally got the message of my not replying to his messages, though. My voice mail had been empty for a while now.
‘You know what,’ she said suddenly, ‘it’s fine. I’ll just find someone. No, don’t worry about it. Really. But I need to go now. I have a ton of stuff to do today, and…’
She stopped talking, and I heard my dad’s voice again. Whatever he was saying, it elicited nothing from Heidi but a sigh and a shake of her head.
I hesitated, wondering if I should just go back upstairs. But then Isby let out a squawk, and Heidi turned, spotting us.
‘… I have to go,’ she said, then hung up without a goodbye. She pushed out her chair. ‘Oh, Auden, I’m so sorry she woke you up! I thought I heard her, but I was on the phone and…’
‘It’s fine,’ I said as she reached for the baby, smiling at her as she lifted her from my arms. ‘I was kind of up anyway.’
‘You and me both.’ She tucked Isby over her shoulder, patting her back as she walked to the coffeemaker, pouring herself a fresh cup, then one for me. As she handed it over, she said, ‘I jolted awake at four, thinking about everything I had to do in the next fifteen hours. And of course, then when I was feeling just a little bit on top of things, your father called to say he can’t watch the baby tonight after all, because he’s got to jet off to New York to meet with his agent first thing Monday morning about his book.’
I considered this as she sat down at the table again, arranging Thisbe in her lap. ‘Well,’ I said. ‘I can stay with her, if you want.’
‘You?’ She shook her head. ‘Of course not! You’re going to the Beach Bash.’
‘I don’t have to.’
‘Yes you do! You have a date and everything.’
I shrugged, looking down at my coffee.
‘What’s wrong? I thought you were excited.’
I wasn’t sure exactly how to explain the hesitation that had come over me ever since I’d found my dress. It was just this weird sad feeling, like the prom had already fallen short before it even happened. ‘I don’t know,’ I said. ‘I guess it’s just that it’s not the real prom, you know? I mean, it’ll be fun and everything. But it won’t be the same as if I’d gone the first time around, to the real one.’
&n
bsp; Heidi considered this, still patting Isby’s back. ‘Well, I guess you could look at it that way,’ she said. ‘Or, you could realize you’re lucky to have another try, and that it’s up to you to make it memorable.’
‘Yeah,’ I said. ‘I guess.’
‘Look,’ she said, putting down her cup. ‘The basic fact of the matter is that no, this isn’t ideal. Very few things are. Sometimes, you have to manufacture your own history. Give fate a push, so to speak. You know?’
Right away, I thought of me and Eli, working our way down my quest. Each of those things – bowling, food fights, tossing newspapers – had happened late and out of order, not exactly as they probably should have. But the memories and experiences were no less real because of it. If anything, they were more special, because they hadn’t happened to me, but because of me. And him.
‘You know what?’ I said to Heidi. ‘You’re absolutely right.’
‘Am I?’ She smiled. ‘Well, that’s a nice thing to hear. Especially considering the day I still have ahead of me.’
‘It’ll be fine,’ I told her, drinking down the rest of my coffee and going for a refill. On the way, I picked up her cup, taking it with me. ‘I’m up and ready to help. What can I do?’
She groaned, pulling a yellow legal pad out of one of the favor boxes and flipping up a page. ‘Well, there are favors to bring to the hall. And the punch bowl to pick up. And the DJ to meet at ten A.M. for a sound check. Oh, and the balloon people are demanding payment before they’ll do anything, and now I have to find a babysitter…’
I slid her now-full mug in front of her, then took my seat again. In her arms, Isby looked at me, and I reached out, running a hand over her head. Her skin was warm and soft, and she kept her eyes on me for a moment before tucking in tighter to her mother’s chest and closing them, drifting off even in the midst of everything.
By noon, I’d dealt with the balloon people, made two trips to the hall where the prom was happening, and pulled a muscle in my shoulder helping Heidi move the photo backdrop – a large, wooden fake wave dotted with fish made by the local senior arts group – into place. I was sticky and sore and on my way back to the house to pick up a box of punch glasses when I saw Jason.
