by Jack Skeen
Lisa's Story
Lisa had always struggled a bit with the term vision. It seems like the kind of word that belongs to people who use words like “big picture.” However, the value of vision became real to Lisa when she went through a divorce.
It seemed that all of her plans for the future were falling apart and would never become realities. The divorce was a terribly depressing time for Lisa and her children.
A friend reminded her that she had overcome a host of obstacles that she encountered in her business career. When problems arose, Lisa was always able to cast a new plan and vision and the business would somehow flourish.
So, at this unlikely time in Lisa's life she chose to sit down in front of her computer and write a business plan for her life. This plan was a path to achieve her desired outcomes for her future. Creating this plan was a challenge because, as a result of the divorce, Lisa would have a lot less money and many new responsibilities to deal with because she would be living on her own and caring for her children.
Lisa found it very easy to write down what was important to her during this difficult time. Perhaps it was because she was finally expressing her needs, even if it was only on a piece of paper. Lisa felt that her lack of showing up and expressing her needs contributed to her failed marriage. Lisa had always wanted to live on a lake in a house that resembled a cabin. She thought it would be great to raise her kids in this type of peaceful environment. She had imagined they would go for walks, go fishing together, and enjoy nature as a family.
But, how could such a dream come true at a time when she had such limited resources? She had convinced herself that this life was only possible if she were living a few hundred miles to the north in Wisconsin or Michigan. Further, she thought she would have to wait until she retired to live this life and that she would need a lot more money than she currently had.
Then a very strange thing happened. Once she had written her dream down, Lisa started to notice that there were several places very much like the place she wanted to live. A few weeks later she found the place she had always dreamed of. And, it was within walking distance of the house she lived in for the previous 10 years! The house she had always desired was right up the street; less than a mile away. It was in need of repair, but, as a result, it was very affordable.
Lisa could not have taken action without first having been clear and honest with herself about her desires. Once that happened the next steps were easy.
Big dreams remain simply dreams until you take action. We have asked many professionals if they have plans for their career, family, marriage, health, financials, retirement, or contribution to society. Most haven't done much planning in any of these areas. They have a vague idea of what they hope will happen, but haven't committed it to any plans.
People who thrive create a blueprint or a road map for what they want to create in their Circle and how they will create it.
Road maps aren't set in stone. You can change them as you move forward. But, they define your destination, your waypoints, and the concrete steps you will take to reach them.
Imagine you and your family were setting off on a weeklong trip. Everyone packs and piles in the car. You start the engine and then realize that you haven't yet determined the destination. You are stuck before you leave the driveway. You have no way to make a decision to turn left or right. No one would do that! Instead, you plan where you are going, the route you will take, and where you plan to be each evening. Now, it is easy to make decisions about your direction, how fast you will go, how long you will stop, and what you will do along the way.
The first action step to make your vision a reality is to create a road map that includes the goal, strategies, action steps, and milestones.
Goal: What is your vision for that area of your life?
Strategies: How do you intend to create that vision?
Action steps: What do you need to do to execute each strategy?
Milestones: Where do you want to be on each strategy and by when?
Accountability
Once you've created your action plan, enlist a person or persons to whom you will be accountable. Alcoholics Anonymous has proven that group accountability is essential for change. For some reason when we share our commitments to change with others, we feel a sense of obligation to live up to them that we don't experience when we only commit to ourselves. Sharing your commitment with a friend or two can make a huge difference in actualizing your intention to change. Share with your friend(s) what you are intending to change and the reason you are doing so. Ask them to check in with you periodically (at least weekly and perhaps daily) to see how you are doing and to encourage you to keep your commitment. Such accountability can be the difference between success and failure.
Chapter 8
Impact on Others
Expanding your Circle changes the world for the better. There are two kinds of greatness in the world. The first is the greatness of ego. Many people seek to be recognized for their accomplishments. They are known because they throw a 90‐mile‐per‐hour fastball, or won two Emmys, or have their name on a building. This is clearly a type of greatness. But, this kind of greatness is built on a weak foundation. So many of those we call heroes turn out to be disappointments when we discover how they achieved their greatness. They cut corners, they cheated, they took advantage of others. This kind of greatness is false and empty.
The second type of greatness is quite different. It isn't about recognition. In fact, many of those whom we consider great aren't recognized at all. They are great because they have chosen to be noble, to put themselves aside and to take on the needs of others. They make the world a better place because of their choices. They demonstrate their greatness in big and small ways, such as:
Paying for someone's breakfast
Feeding the homeless
Coaching their kids' sports teams
Taking a meal to a sick neighbor
There is no shortage of stories about the greatness of ordinary people who, every day, add to the goodness in the world. Mothers and fathers tenderly attend to their helpless infants. Parents put in long hours at work to provide for the needs of their family. Employees go the extra mile in staying late, lending a hand, training a newer hire. Employers give their employees a second chance to learn a new skill that will serve them in their lives.
The great forces in life are good and evil. Human history is the record of that battle that sometimes seems to tip one way and then the other. Evil is the source of all of the world's suffering. Wars displace hundreds of thousands of people from their homes and slaughter innocent people because they belonged to a certain tribe or nationality. Women and children are sold into slavery for sexual exploitation. People die of hunger or from the absence of clean water while the world possesses the technology to solve both problems. Corporations ruin the environment, threatening our very existence to enhance short‐term profitability.
What force stands against the might of evil? Goodness. The world will never forget the image of the courageous man standing in front of a line of battle tanks in China's Tiananmen Square and refusing to move out of their way. The day before those tanks were used to murder hundreds of protestors. His only weapons were courage and the conviction to do the right thing.
Goodness is more powerful than evil. It is only goodness that can protect the world from the horror evil creates. Every time you expand your Circle, you increase the amount of goodness in the world. Your impact is much bigger than you know. Your care for others, your self‐sacrifice, your random acts of kindness sow the seeds of goodness in others. The gift goes on and on, often beyond that which you will ever see or know. You may never see all the ripples of goodness that your Circle has created, but you can know that you made a difference and that the goodness you started will continue to expand on and on.
You Change for the Better
One of the most amazing aspects of expanding your Circle is that not only do you impact the world in a positive
way, but your life becomes richer. In fact, the most important tool to create a meaningful and satisfying life is to focus on expanding your Circle. The process of creating a preferred future for the objects in your Circle makes you a more mature, competent person.
Maturity is defined as the ability to maintain your poise and constancy of character in difficult times. Think for a moment of the times in your life when you were not able to maintain such poise. Perhaps you can recall times when your felt afraid or frustrated and you behaved in ways you now regret.
I had almost completed my training as a doctor. All that remained was for me to complete my internship under the supervision of a licensed practitioner. I had done well in school, but I had to go into serious debt to finance my education. Now, I had three kids and had just bought a house. I was banking on finally making enough money to get back in the black.
I was killing it as a new doctor. In fact, patients preferred to see me instead of my boss. She was actually losing patients to me. I thought it was great and imagined it was good for her as well since she took a sizeable part of every dollar I brought into her practice. But, it must have been eating at her because during one of our supervision sessions, she made a veiled threat that she was considering firing me.
I was beside myself. What would I do if I walked in one day and she told me to pack up and leave? The patients belonged to her. I would have nowhere to work and no one to treat. I wouldn't be able to pay my mortgage and would certainly lose my new house. I felt like my back was to the wall.
I came in on a Saturday and started copying all of my charts. I knew it wasn't the right thing to do, but I figured if she fired me I would be able to contact my patients and give them a choice of seeing me or staying with my boss. She walked in and caught me red handed.
I was so ashamed of myself. Being scared brought out the worst in me.
Imagine your Circle is so big and powerful that you maintain your composure, sense of self, and power even in the worst of circumstances. This is the goal of a great and noble life. This is our vision for your life. We want you to be so grounded, so confident of yourself, so trusting in the goodness of life, so connected to your purpose that you always see the high road as your only choice in life. We want you to be proud of your choices regardless of your circumstances.
We are reminded here of Jesus' words as he hung tortured on a cross. He had been tormented, beaten, falsely accused, and unjustly punished. As he hung there in horrible agony he prayed, “Father, forgive them for they don't know what they are doing!” Imagine being filled with such grace and love that you radiate forgiveness and understanding on the darkest of all possible days.
Expanding your Circle always requires doing things that are challenging and seem difficult, but the doing of those things fosters maturity.
My friend was telling me about taking his kids into their hot tub when he gets home from work. His little girls are ecstatic with excitement. They need help getting into their suits, finding their goggles and deciding whose special towel is whose. For my friend, the hot tub means the opportunity to slow down and unwind after a hard day. That is not how it goes when he is in the tub with his children. They jump off the edge, so he has to hold their hands to prevent them from banging heads. They splash hot, chlorinated water in his eyes. They step on his feet and unintentionally kick and knee him in sensitive areas. He told me the experience was miserable and amazing all at the same time. It certainly isn't relaxing. But the wonder of his children having so much fun is unbelievably satisfying. The sacrifice of his peace is creating a magical experience for his children and is teaching him patience, kindness, and generosity. He is learning how to make his comfort and relaxation secondary to the experiences he can create for his children. This lesson generalizes to other times they are together and to other people in his life.
The opportunity for greatness is available to everyone. The lessons we have shared with you are simple but the execution requires discipline over a lifetime. This book is not for those who embrace a quick fix or a throwaway culture. Your character defines your ability to grow your Circle. This will take time and will require you to be planful. The good news is that you can start today, right now! Every moment and every day will be a step toward leading a noble, grace‐filled, and peaceful life.
Chapter 9
Assessing Your Circle
Figure 9.1 represents how your assessment results would appear if you had fully discovered your power, but had not so completely developed your independence, purpose, and humility. It would also suggest that focusing on humility would be the best place to work on your Circle.
Figure 9.1 An Example of Unbalanced Circle—High Power Driven Circle
A Circle assessment will show which aspects of your Circle are in balance and which are not. It will provide a guide for you to work toward achieving greater balance on your own timetable with complete confidentiality, freedom, and independence. The assessment and exercises are tools that will unlock your greatest possible self by removing whatever is blocking you from achieving all that your life was intended to be.
Once you have completed the overview, you may wish to take an online assessment that will allow you to gauge the balance of your unique Circle. This process will help you interact with the book and discover opportunities for personal growth.
The assessment is a reliable instrument based on scientifically validated theory that will identify the core issues that are holding you back from having the happy and successful life you seek. We know too many people who spend thousands of hours in and dollars on therapy in the hope of understanding these issues. Having a reliable instrument that can provide this information (think of this like a good bathroom scale for your weight) will make it much easier for you to focus on desired areas where you may be lacking balance. Unlocking these issues is the first step toward being able to pursue your personal goals and dreams. Alternatively, as you read through the book, note those areas that are important to you and focus on the steps provided at the end of each chapter. Refer back to these areas as you continue on your path.
Either way, the assessment or simple self‐reflection as you work through this book will empower you to take ownership of your life and to provide you the tools to make whatever improvements you want to make on your own timetable.
The assessment first provides you with an overall measure of your mastery of each of the four key elements shown in Figure 9.1. The overview will give you a high‐level picture of where you are strong and where you may have work to do. You will learn whether you have mastered one or more of the four key development elements and which ones might require your attention.
Each element of the Circle Blueprint is broken into five or six discrete factors and subfactors. These factors and subfactors provide more detailed information about specific developmental areas of mastery or those that need work.
We all have enduring personality traits that are the result of the mix between our inherited genetics and how we were nurtured. Some of us are outgoing and gregarious, while others are shy and reserved. Some are optimists, always seeing potential positive outcomes, while others are pessimists, seeing what might go wrong. Some are detail‐oriented and so make good accountants and doctors. Others are generalists and so are well equipped to see the big picture of where an opportunity might be seized. There are no good or bad personality traits. The combination of our personality traits is what makes each of us unique. And it is this unique combination of personality traits that creates our dispositional tendencies or how we tend to behave in every situation in life.
Some of our dispositional tendencies are called a “manifest quality,” which simply means that they can be clearly seen by ourselves and by others. For example, if you are a reserved person, it is highly likely that you and your friends know this about you. Many of our dispositional tendencies are manifest qualities.
Our latent tendencies, on the other hand, are not so obvious. These are our dispositional tendencies that are s
ubconscious or unconscious. Hence, they are not in our awareness and are most often hidden even from those who know us well. Perhaps you have an insecurity about not being recognized for your uniqueness. If so, it might not be something of which you are aware. You may have compensated for this insecurity by not seeking recognition and, in the process, limited your ambition. Or, you might have been bullied as a child and now instinctively respond with anger to those who have authority and power. You might be aware of getting angry around certain people, but be completely unaware of why you do so. It is often our latent tendencies that most interfere with our ability to complete a balanced Circle. It is as if our latent tendencies control us more than we control them. And, because they are difficult for us to see, it is almost impossible for us to develop effective strategies to deal with them.
The Circle Blueprint assessment was designed to measure latent personality attributes for the purpose of translating them into manifest factors for each element of the Circle Blueprint. You may also gain appreciation of these attributes without the assessment if that is more comfortable with you. Either process brings visibility to the underlying causes so that you may introduce an intervention and produce positive change.
The following are examples of why the assessment or self‐reflection are necessary to determine an individual's latent dispositional traits as behavioral drivers.
Example 1: Independence and Power‐Driven with Low Humility and Purpose
Let's say you are in a meeting with several other colleagues and the meeting is of little or no value for you, and you are providing nothing in return to the other members of the meeting. You decide to get up and leave the meeting before its conclusion. Your Circle most likely reflects either Figure 9.2 or Figure 9.3.
