by Nina Raine
After a bit ANNA manages to speak.
ANNA. Of course I miss him… I miss his tiny handwriting… I found a recipe for pizza dough he’d written the other day… But… maybe the way I have to think about it is… Beth said, the child who, touch wood, I will have… obviously I’ll love it… I just have to think… that child would never have existed if Tom and I hadn’t broken up…?
MOTHER (worried).…Oh no, Annie, I don’t think that’s right… I don’t think you can lay all that on a child… to redeem your life… plus the child will come with its own problems –
ANNA springs up.
ANNA. Fucking hell, Mum! You’re so negative! I am trying to find some way forward in this mess! Don’t you give a shit?
Now the MOTHER is hurt.
MOTHER (her voice trembling). Of course I give a shit! I care desperately about you and what has been happening to you!
Tears rise up.
I… At night I lie there and I… pray… for you… I pray that everything will turn out okay for you…
The MOTHER cries for a minute. ANNA watches. She is ashamed.
ANNA. Oh, Mum… I’m sorry… I’m sorry…
She hugs her.
Come on… sit on my lap…
The MOTHER sits somewhat unsteadily on ANNA’s lap.
It’ll be okay. Shhh… Shh…
There, there…
Actually sit a bit further here cos you’re hurting my knees… that’s it…
Do you remember this…
She starts to sing, rocking in time.
‘You are my sunshine, my only sunshine…’
MOTHER. Of course I care about you…
ANNA. I know you do… Shhh…
I’ll buy this sperm and I’ll do it and it will be okay.
There’s just one more person I’ve got to meet before I do…
Beat.
MOTHER. When you have a child, Anna, you will get to see all the bits of your life you’ve forgotten about. The first time you tasted a lemon. You get to relive it all again.
ANNA. Yeah…
I keep thinking about Natasha…
MOTHER. What about Natasha…
ANNA. When she was dying in hospital, she thought she was in a Nazi concentration camp.
She wanted me to feed her apple puree.
Beat.
MOTHER. And did you?
ANNA. Feed her apple puree? Yes.
MOTHER. Good.
ANNA. She didn’t want to die.
Scene Seventeen
39 + 11
ANNA sits in a café with JAMES. His manner has an odd formality. ANNA is looking at her watch.
ANNA. You absolutely mustn’t be late… how the hell did you get tickets?
JAMES. I have a friend who helped with the video projection.
ANNA. He is quite good.
JAMES. Well, it is the role, isn’t it… that every actor wants to play…
ANNA.…Yeah, I’m just not quite sure whether he has the darkness for Hamlet but…
Anyway I’ll shut up.
Beat.
Well, I have to tell you I’ve already bought the donor sperm.
Beat.
But when you emailed back I thought I should meet you anyway because at the start of this whole thing I looked online and what stopped me then was there seem to be a lot of disturbed kids out there who are donor conceived so…
Beat.
I just wondered, well really – um…
Beat.
I know it’s a stupidly big question, but, how have you found it?
Pause.
JAMES. Which parent did you want to be like?
Beat.
ANNA. Erm… I actually worried about turning into either of them… I wanted to be like my – well, I didn’t want to be like my dad exactly, because my mother is a lovely person…
Beat.
But I wanted to achieve like my dad…
Sorry, it sounds a bit confused, doesn’t it…
Beat.
I get on with them both, I get on with them both.
Beat.
When did you… find out?
JAMES. Um, my mum told me when I was four, I think.
Beat.
She told me a story, a sort of extended metaphor about a farmer and seeds in a field.
…I was happy. I was okay with it. She… conveyed to me the lengths to which she had gone to get me, and I felt wanted.
I felt happy.
ANNA. Oh good.
JAMES. Yeah… It only started to prey on my mind when I was about thirteen…
ANNA. Oh right…
JAMES. Then more and more until I was eighteen and it was becoming a sort of obsession…
ANNA. Oh…
JAMES. So in the end I went to the clinic where she’d done it, and I tracked down this file. And there was a tick when she’d got pregnant. And this number. And they said that’s the sperm donor.
He takes a sip of tea, ANNA waits.
ANNA. Did it… did you feel better?
Beat.
JAMES. If anything I felt worse after that. It sort of made it worse.
ANNA. Oh dear…
Pause.
JAMES. I registered with the donor network in case he were ever to contact them to make his identity known.
I mean it’s not going to happen, but.
ANNA. Well…
JAMES. I tried talking to a therapist…
Beat.
It’s all about identity really. My identity felt very female.
I didn’t know how to be a man. I’d look at men to see how they hold their glass and drink their beer…
Beat.
I’ve been out with a lot of crazy broken girls. Probably trying to rewrite the relationship with my mum. Trying to mend it.
ANNA. Was she crazy and broken?
JAMES. In some ways…
ANNA. But… Paul said you have a kid?
JAMES. Yes. Me and my partner, we’ve got two now. First my son – and now my daughter is two.
ANNA. Did, did that not help at all? I mean, help you, the way you feel?
Beat.
JAMES. I suppose, in a way.
In that… I’ve tried to be the dad I’ve always wanted.
Beat.
I was teaching him how to make scrambled eggs today. We’re growing courgettes together. I went kayaking with him over the summer. I’m kind of trying to do it how I read in books.
ANNA. Wow, that sounds much better than my dad.
I only remember my dad playing rugby in the park with us. And that was because it was only once.
Beat.
What was it like when your son was born… you must have been very nervous?
Beat.
JAMES. Yeah…
It’s not Disney you know… you’re expecting a Disney-esque thing… but he was this huge angry-looking… covered with blood… huge testicles like very mature figs… he was very big, they lifted him up out of her like a –(Gestures.) great fish… this messy angry looking creature, purple, really dark purple, dense dark curly hair, matted with blood, it’s been wet for nine months, it goes densely curly, he looked African in origin, he didn’t look Caucasian. I actually thought am I the dad?
… And this thing emerges from her body and then it’s feeding from her body… but then… your role as a man comes into the picture a bit later on.
Beat.
The thing is with your kid you can be silly, with kids any situation can be made to be funny. The other day, I had dinner in a restaurant with my daughter even though she’s two. And it was sort of romantic… you can be silly and romantic with your kids.
ANNA. That’s lovely.
Beat.
What was your stepfather like?
Pause.
JAMES. Well, he’s dead now.
ANNA. Oh.
JAMES. Yes I basically had to look after him. He was ill and dying and he was sleeping on the sofa. He’d cry out in the night and say, ‘I’m
scared to die’ and I would hold him. And I wondered why he couldn’t do that for me.
He is suddenly close to tears.
ANNA. What, did he not…
JAMES. He never held me while I was growing up.
Beat.
A child – needs – to be held by their father.
He tears up again.
I look for my father on the Underground. My eyes go from man to man thinking ‘Are you my father?’ ‘Are you my father?’ ‘Are you my father?’
They say donor. I say my father.
I have to claim that. I have to claim that word.
ANNA. Yes…
Beat.
So do you really think…
JAMES. I think it’s very harmful to the child.
ANNA (quietly). Shit…
Silence.
JAMES. What do you think you’re going to do?
Scene Eighteen
40
ANNA sits in a pub with FELIX. She has opened a bag of crisps and they both absent-mindedly eat from it. FELIX has a big square flat parcel wrapped in brown paper.
ANNA. Thank you for coming all the way to me.
FELIX. Not at all. Not at all. I just came straight from picking this up. (The parcel.) I think he’s quite promising. Watercolourist. We’ll see.
ANNA. Did you have a good time at Jamie’s fortieth?
FELIX. Oh, yes. Although I shouldn’t have gone back to their house afterwards. Felt shit the next day.
ANNA. Have some more crisps, I’m eating them all…
FELIX. Thanks…
ANNA. So listen, Felix… Sorry to be so mysterious…
FELIX. No, no…
ANNA. I’ll be quick.
I’ve been trying to find a man to have a baby with. I asked lots of men and they all said no, then I thought I’d found a gay man, Rupert, and we went through all the counselling together, then he got scared and pulled out, not literally, well, practically. Then I bought donor sperm. Then I met the child of a sperm donor who urged me not to use donor sperm. So I thought… I should try… just one more time… and ask… Is it something… you would… be interested in? Doing?
Beat.
FELIX. Yes.
Beat.
ANNA (taken aback). What, yes you would be interested in doing it?
FELIX. Yes.
ANNA. Erm, yes, you’d like to think about it?
FELIX. No, I don’t need to think about it. Yes, I’d like to do it.
Pause.
ANNA. Bloody hell.
Beat.
FELIX. I’m saying ‘Yes.’
ANNA. Fucking hell… you’re the first guy to say that.
You’re the first guy not to say you need to think about it.
Beat.
Felix – I have to tell you, strange things happen to men when they say they’ll do this. They stop sleeping… they get incredibly anxious… they fall into a depression… and then, they say they can’t do it.
FELIX. I don’t think I’ll do that.
Beat.
ANNA. I think I should offer you a little more time to think about it.
FELIX. I don’t need time to think about it.
ANNA. But I think you should. Just in case you develop insomnia or whatever.
FELIX. Okay. What about a week?
ANNA. Okay. Wow.
FELIX. I don’t think I’ll change my mind.
He smiles at her.
I mean –
It’s the point of life, isn’t it?
Scene Nineteen
26
Years earlier. ANNA, wearing a coat, stands in a hospital ward. The ‘silence’ of hospital air – i.e. a faint hum, bleeping, sporadic shuffling footsteps. There are three beds. Two are empty. In the third lies NATASHA, an old woman. Her eyes are closed. She is obviously dying. ANNA approaches, tentatively, carrying a plastic bag of food. Her phone vibrates in her pocket. She picks up the call. Speaks quietly.
ANNA. Hi… Hey…
No, I’m just… I’m visiting Natasha.
…I thought –
Yeah. She looks like she’s not awake at the moment.
…Yeah, I brought her some stuff.
The phone wedged between shoulder and ear, she shifts the bag from one hand to another – it’s heavy.
Okay.
Listen, Jugsy… Jugsy, wait – I’ve – I don’t think I’m meant to be on my phone here, there are loads of signs.
Okay. I’ll call you when I get back out.
Bye.
She ends the call. Goes the few remaining steps to NATASHA. Sits gingerly on the plastic seat next to the bed. Looks at NATASHA a moment. Decides to take a few things out of her bag. One is a jar of shop-bought apple puree. She has also bought Actimel, rice pudding, etc.…
NATASHA stirs.
Natasha…?
NATASHA doesn’t speak. After a bit her eyes slowly half-open.
Hi…
Are you awake?
It’s Anna…
Pause.
I came to bring you something nice to eat…
NATASHA speaks in a dry whisper throughout the scene.
NATASHA.…Yes…
ANNA. Are you alright?
Pause.
NATASHA.…Yes…
ANNA. Are you… comfortable like that?
Pause.
NATASHA.…Yes…
Beat.
ANNA. I brought you some more apple puree… you liked it, remember…
Do you want some?
Just the sound of NATASHA’s breathing.
ANNA looks at her uncertainly.
Okay…
Well…
I think you should have some… some water.
It’s strawberry flavoured…
She gets a straw, puts it into a water bottle, gives it to NATASHA. The straw hangs from NATASHA’s lips at a rakish angle. A pause. NATASHA seems to drink a tiny bit. The straw falls from her lips.
Pause.
NATASHA (quietly). Nice…
Her eyes close.
ANNA. I told you so…
She takes the water bottle, watches NATASHA. Pause. The little GIRL comes in.
GIRL (quietly). Where am I…?
No one answers her. She sits down on the third bed, watches.
ANNA. How are you… feeling?
Pause. NATASHA speaks quietly.
NATASHA. I bought my house… in 1966.
ANNA (hopefully). Yes…!
…What was it like?
NATASHA. There was a sandpit in the garden.
Pause.
The couple before had two children.
ANNA. Lovely.
Pause. NATASHA’s eyes open. The little GIRL perches on the bed, looks about.
GIRL. I don’t like it here…
NATASHA’s eyes swivel to the far end of the room. Referring to someone –
NATASHA (weakly). That one’s trying to convert me to Catholicism…
ANNA (firmly). Nonsense.
NATASHA (darkly, indicating the same person). They shaved her head.
ANNA.…No… She’s… (Lowers her voice.) It’s her chemotherapy…
Beat.
NATASHA. They’re killing us.
ANNA. No no no. They’re not.
She feels NATASHA’s forehead.
You feel a bit hot…
Pause. Both the little GIRL and NATASHA heave a long sigh, in unison, the little GIRL lies back on her bed.
NATASHA. If I am hot that means I am a Catholic.
Pause. NATASHA’s eyes close again.
ANNA. Do you want something to eat?
But NATASHA seems to have exhausted herself from the exchange.
GIRL.…I’m not hungry…
…Am I dying?
Pause. ANNA puts aside the water bottle, uncertainly looks at the jar of apple puree. Opens it – looks at NATASHA. It seems an impossible task. Puts the lid on again.
NATASHA (faintly).…Anna…
ANNA (alertly). Yes?
> NATASHA.…I thought you’d gone.
ANNA. No no. I’m here. I’m still here.
A pause. Both NATASHA and the little GIRL sigh again and move their right hand in unison.
Maybe… just a spoonful?
But NATASHA seems to be asleep again.
GIRL.…I want to go home…
Pause.
ANNA (quietly, to herself). Why won’t you eat anything…
NATASHA (her eyes still shut, quietly). I want to die…
ANNA (hopelessly). Please don’t say that…
NATASHA. I want to die…
ANNA.…But… don’t you want to die at home?
Pause. With great weariness.
NATASHA. It’s the end.
Silence. ANNA doesn’t know what to say.
She strokes NATASHA’s hand. Strokes her cheek.
ANNA. Poor Natasha… poor Natasha…
With effort, NATASHA says something indistinguishable.
ANNA cranes in.
What? What did you say?
Again, something indistinguishable.
…Do you want…?
Effortfully, NATASHA speaks –
NATASHA. Regrets…
ANNA.…‘Regrets’?
Beat.
GIRL (slowly, sleepily).…Children… There was a sandpit in the garden. They had two children.
Beat. This upsets ANNA. She struggles with herself a minute, on the brink of tears.
ANNA. Well…
Well… You’ve… you’ve got me.
She takes NATASHA’s hand.
GIRL. It’s the end of the story. No more story.
She pulls the blanket over herself. A long pause.
NATASHA.…Anna?
ANNA. Yes.
NATASHA.…I thought you’d gone.
ANNA. I’m still here.
Pause.
NATASHA.…Anna?
ANNA. Yes.
I’m still here.
Pause.
NATASHA (sleepily).…Just checking…
GIRL. Keep the noise up…
The little GIRL sleeps. NATASHA’s eyes stay closed.
ANNA waits. Lights fade.
Scene Twenty
40
Darkness. ANNA is lying in a pool of light, on a bed in her outfit from the first scene. She has taken off her shoes but is otherwise fully clothed. There is a vase of daffodils by the bed. A watercolour propped nearby. She is reading a newspaper. Silence but for the rustling of the newspaper.
Then, noises from off.
Suddenly FELIX comes in. He’s holding a small transparent plastic cup and is doubled up with laughter.
FELIX. Here…!!
He gives it to her. He can’t stop laughing. ANNA smiles, slightly bewildered.
