He lay among the blankets, looking up at her. “Your eyes,” he said. “Your incredible eyes.”
His own face was in shadow, but there was no reason to be afraid. She removed her dress. It was red. She laid it over the back of a chair. “Move over.”
She had never been in bed with this man before, but she wanted to be. It was late and no one knew where she was. In fact, her mother had told her explicitly not to come here, but there was no reason to be afraid. “I’ll tell you what to do,” she said. “You must use your hand and your mouth. The other – it doesn’t work for me. And I want to be first. You’ll have to wait.”
“I’ll love waiting,” he said. He covered her breast with his mouth, his hand moved between her legs. He knew how to touch her already. He kissed her other breast.
“Like that,” she said. “Just like that.” Her body began to tighten in anticipation.
He kissed her mouth. He kissed her mouth.
* * *
He kissed her mouth. It was not a hard kiss, but it opened her eyes. This was not the right face. She had never seen this man before and the look he gave her – she wasn’t sure she liked it. Why was he kissing her, when she was asleep and had never seen him before? What was he doing in her bedroom? She was so frightened, she stopped breathing for a moment. She closed her eyes and wished him away.
He was still there. And there was pain. Her finger dripped with blood and when she tried to sit up, she was weak and encumbered by a heavy dress, a heavy coil of her own hair, a corset, tight and pointed shoes.
“Oh,” she said. “Oh.” She was about to cry and she didn’t know this man to cry before him. Her tone was accusing. She pushed him and his face showed the surprise of this. He allowed himself to be pushed. If he hadn’t, she was not strong enough to force it.
He was probably a very nice man. He was giving her a concerned look. She could see that he was tired. His clothes were ripped; his own hands were scratched. He had just done something hard, maybe dangerous. So maybe that was why he hadn’t stopped to think how it might frighten her to wake up with a stranger kissing her as she lay on her back. Maybe that was why he hadn’t noticed how her finger was bleeding. Because he hadn’t, no matter how much she came to love him, there would always be a part of her afraid of him.
“I was having the most lovely dream,” she said. She was careful not to make her tone as angry as she felt.
WENDY, DARLING
CHRISTOPHER GOLDEN
On a Friday evening at the end of May in the year Nineteen Hundred and Fifteen, Wendy spent her final night in her father’s house in a fitful sleep, worried about her wedding the following day and the secrets she had kept from her intended groom.
The room had once been a nursery, but those days were all but forgotten. She had stopped dreaming the dreams of her girlhood years before, such that even the echoes of those dreams had slid into the shadows in the corners of the room. Now it was a proper bedroom with a lovely canopy over the bed and a silver mirror and an enormous wardrobe that still gave off a rich mahogany scent though it had stood against the wall for six years and more.
Some nights, though… Some nights the tall French windows would remain open and the curtains would billow and float. On those evenings the moonlight would pour into the room with such earnest warmth it seemed intent upon reminding her of girlhood evenings when she would stay up whispering to her brothers in the dark until all of them drifted off to sleep and dreamt impossible things.
Wendy had lived in the nursery with Michael and John for too long. She ought to have had her own room much sooner, but at first their father had not wanted to give up his study to make another bedroom and later – when he’d changed his mind – the children were no longer interested in splitting up. By then Wendy had begun to see the Lost Boys, and to dream of them, and it seemed altogether safer to stick together.
That day – the day before her wedding – there had been a low, whispery sort of fog all through the afternoon and into the evening. Several times she stirred in her sleep, uneasy as she thought of Jasper, the barrister she was to wed the following afternoon. She quite relished the idea of becoming Mrs. Jasper Gilbert, and yet during the night she felt herself haunted by the prospect. Each time her eyes flickered open, she lay for several moments staring out at the fog until she drifted off again.
Sometime later, she woke to see not fog but moonlight. The windows were open and the curtains performed a ghostly undulation, cast in yellow light.
A dream, she thought, for it must have been. She knew it because the fog had gone. Knew it because of the moonlight and the impossibly slow dance of those curtains, and of course because the Lost Boys were there.
She lay on her side, half her face buried in the feather pillow, and gazed at them. At first she saw only three: two by the settee and one almost hidden in the billow of the curtains. The fourth had a dark cast to his features that made him seem grimmer, less ethereal than the others, though he was the youngest of them. She had not seen them in years, not since her parents had gotten a doctor involved, insisting that the Lost Boys were figments of her imagination. She had never forgiven John and Michael for reporting her frequent visits with the Lost Boys to their parents, a grudge she had come to regret in the aftermath of Michael’s death in a millinery fire in 1910. How she had loved him.
By the time of the fire it had been years since she had seen the Lost Boys. After the fire, she had often prayed that it would be Michael who visited her in the night.
“Wendy,” one of the Boys whispered now, in her moonlit dream.
“Hello, boys,” she said, flush beneath her covers, heart racing. She wanted to cry or scream but did not know if it was fear she felt, or merely grief.
As if grief could ever be merely.
She recognized all four of them, of course, and knew their names. But she did not allow herself to speak those names, or even to think them. It would have felt as if she welcomed them back to her dreams, and they were not welcome at all.
“You forgot us, Wendy. You promised you never would.”
She nestled her cheek deeper into her pillow, feathers poking her skin through the fabric.
“I never did,” she whispered, her skin dampening. Too hot beneath the covers. “You were only in my mind, you see. I haven’t forgotten, but my parents and Doctor Goss told me I must persuade my eyes not to see you if you should appear again.”
“Have you missed us, then?”
Wendy swallowed. A shudder went through her. She had not.
“As I’m dreaming, I suppose it’s all right that I’m seeing you now.”
The Lost Boys glanced at one another with a shared, humorless sort of laugh. More a sniff than a laugh, really. A disapproving sniff.
The moonlight passed right through them.
The nearest of them – he of the grim eyes – slid closer to her.
“You were meant to be our mother,” he said.
Wendy couldn’t breathe. She pressed herself backward, away from them. It was their eyes that ignited a terror within her, those pleading eyes. She closed her own.
“Wake up, Wendy,” she whispered to herself. “Please wake up.”
“Don’t you remember?” the grim-eyed one asked, and her lids fluttered open to find herself still dreaming.
“Please remember,” said another, a lithe little boy with a pouting mouth and eyes on the verge of tears.
“No,” she whispered.
The hook. Soft flesh against her own. The pain. Blood in the water.
Her body trembled as images rushed into her mind and were driven back, shuttered in dark closets, buried in shallow graves.
“Stay away,” she whispered. “Please. My life is all ahead of me.”
She did not know if she spoke to the Lost Boys or to those images.
“My fiancé is a good man. Perhaps when we are wed, we can take one or two of you in. He is kind, you see. Not like—”
A door slammed in her mind.
&nb
sp; “Like who, Wendy?”
Hook, she thought. My James.
“No!” she screamed, hurling back her bedcovers and leaping from the bed, hot tears springing to her eyes. “Leave me, damn you! Leave me to my life!”
Fingers curved into claws, she leapt at the nearest of them. Passing through him, chill gooseflesh rippling across her skin, she fell to the rug and curled up into herself, a mess of sobs.
In the moonlight, she lay just out of reach of the fluttering curtains and cried herself into the sweet oblivious depths of slumber.
When she woke in the early dawn, aching and chilled to the bone, she crept back beneath her bedclothes for warmth and comfort and told herself that there would never be another night when she needed to fear bad dreams. For the rest of her life she would wake in the morning with Jasper beside her and he would hold her and kiss her until the last of sleep’s shadows retreated.
The sun rose to a clear blue morning.
No trace of fog.
* * *
The world only began to feel completely real to Wendy again when the carriage drew to a halt in front of the church. Flowers had been arranged over the door and on the steps, and the beauty of the moment made her breath catch in her throat. A smile spread across her lips and bubbled into laughter and she turned toward her grumpy banker of a father and saw that he was smiling as well – beaming, in fact – and his eyes were damp with love for her, and with pride.
“Never thought you’d see the day, did you, Father?” Wendy teased. George Darling cleared his throat to compose himself. “There were times,” he allowed. “But here we are, my dear. Here. We. Are.”
He took a deep breath and stepped out of the carriage, itself also festooned with arrangements donated by friends of Wendy’s mother who were part of the committee behind the Chelsea Flower Show. A pair of ushers emerged from the church, but Wendy’s father waved them back and offered his own hand to guide her down the carriage steps.
George stepped back. He’d never been sentimental, and now he seemed to fight against whatever emotions welled within him. Amongst those she expected, Wendy saw a flicker of uneasiness.
“You look beautiful,” he told her.
Wendy knew it was true. She seldom indulged in outright vanity, but on her wedding day, and in this dress… well, she would forgive herself. Cream-white satin, trimmed in simple lace, it had been one of the very first she had laid eyes upon and she had loved it straight away. Cut low at the neck, with sleeves to the elbows, it had a simple elegance reflected in the simplicity of the veil and the short train. Her father helped gather her train, spread it out behind her, and took her hand as they faced the church.
“Miss Darling,” said one of the ushers, whose name she’d suddenly forgotten. She felt horrible, but it seemed that her thoughts were a jumble.
“I’m about to be married,” she said, just to hear the words aloud.
“You are, my dear,” George agreed. “Everyone is waiting.”
The forgotten usher handed her a wreath of orange blossoms and then the other one opened the church door, and moments later Wendy found herself escorted down the aisle by her grumpy-turned-doting father. A trumpet played and then the organ, and all faces turned toward her, so that she saw all of them and none of them at the same time. She smelled the flowers and her heart thundered and she began to feel dizzy and swayed a bit.
“Wendy,” her father whispered to her, his grip tightening on her arm. “Are you all right?”
Ahead, at the end of the aisle, the bridesmaids and ushers had spread out to either side. The vicar stood on the altar, dignified and serious. Her mother sat in the front row, her brother John stood amongst the ushers. And there was Jasper, so dapper in his morning coat, his black hair gleaming, his blue eyes smiling.
She no longer felt dizzy. Only safe and sure.
Until the little boy darted out from behind a column – the little boy with grim eyes.
“Stop this!” he shouted. “You must stop!”
Wendy staggered, a terrible pain in her belly as if she were being torn apart inside. She gasped and then covered her mouth, glancing about through the mesh of her veil, certain her friends and relations would think her mad – again. They would think her mad again.
But their eyes were not on her. Those in attendance were staring at the little boy in his ragged clothes, and when the second boy ran in from the door to the sacristy and the vicar shouted at him, furious at the intrusion, Wendy at last understood.
The vicar could see the boys.
They could all see.
“Out of here, you little scoundrels!” the vicar shouted. “I won’t allow you to ruin the day—”
The grim-eyed boy stood before Jasper, who could only stare in half-amused astonishment. That sweetness was simply Jasper’s nature, that indulgence where any other bridegroom would have been furious.
The third boy stepped from the shadows at the back of the altar as if he had been there all along. And, of course, he must have been.
“No, no, no,” Wendy said, backing away, tearing her arm from her father’s grip. She forced her eyes closed, because they couldn’t be here. Couldn’t be real.
“Wendy?” her father said, and she opened her eyes to see him looking at her.
He knew. Though he had always told her they were figments and dreams, hadn’t he seemed unsettled whenever she talked of them? Spirits, he’d said, do not exist, except in the minds of the mad and the guilty.
Which am I? she’d asked him then. Which am I?
Jasper clapped his hands twice, drawing all attention toward him. The unreality of the moment collapsed into tangibility and truth. Wendy breathed. Smelled the flowers. Heard the scuffling and throat-clearing of the stunned members of the wedding.
“All right, lads, you’ve had your fun,” Jasper said. “Off with you!”
“Wendy Darling,” one of the boys said, staring at Jasper, tears welling in his eyes. “Only she’s not ‘darling’ at all. You don’t know her, sir. She’ll be a cruel mother. She’ll abandon her children—”
“Rubbish!” shouted Wendy’s father. “How dare you speak of my daughter this way!”
Wendy could only stare, not breathing as Jasper strode toward the grim-eyed boy and gripped him by his ragged shirtfront. She saw the way the filthy fabric bunched in his hands and it felt as if the curtain between dream and reality had finally been torn away.
“No,” she said, starting toward Jasper… and toward the boys. “Please, don’t…”
Her fiancé glanced up, thinking she had been speaking to him, but the boys looked at her as well. They knew better.
“She’s had a baby once before,” a pale, thin boy said, coming to stand by Jasper, his eyes pleading. “Go on. Ask her.”
“Ask her what became of that child,” said the grim-eyed boy.
Shaking, Wendy jerked right and left, trapped by all of the eyes that gazed upon her. Jasper frowned, staring at her, and she saw the doubt blooming in him, saw his lips beginning to form a question. Her father still glared angrily at the boys, but even he had a flicker of hesitation. In the front row, Mary Darling stepped from the pew and extended a hand toward her daughter.
“Wendy?”
Shaking her head, Wendy began to back away from those who loved her, retreating down the aisle. She tripped over her silken train and when she fell amongst the soft purity of its folds, she screamed.
“Ask her!” one of the boys shouted. Or perhaps it had been all of them.
Thrusting herself from the ground, whipping her train behind her, she ran. Her whole body felt flushed, but she caught a glimpse of her left hand as she ran and it was pale as marble. Pale as death. At the back of the aisle, a few crimson rose petals had fallen, petals meant to be scattered in the path of husband and wife after the ceremony. To her they were blood from a wound.
She burst from the church, an abyss of unspoken questions gaping behind her, and she fled down the steps in fear that if she did not run, that
yawing silence would drag her back. Pain stabbed her belly and her heart slammed inside her chest. Her eyes burned and yet strangely there were no tears. She felt incapable of tears.
At the foot of the steps she tore off the train of her dress. When she glanced up, horses whinnied and chuffed. Her wedding carriage stood waiting. The driver looked at her with kind eyes and his kindness filled her with loathing.
“Wendy!”
Jasper’s voice. Behind her. She dared not turn to look at him.
Racing across the street, she darted down a narrow road between a dressmaker’s and a baker’s shop. At a corner, she nearly collided with two more of the Lost Boys – names, you know their names – and she turned right to avoid them, racing downhill now. Another appeared from an alley to her left, but this boy was different from the others. He’d been badly burnt, skin and clothing charred, and unlike the rest he had no substance, flesh so translucent that she could see the stone face of the building behind him.
She wailed, stumbling in anguish, and fell to the street. Her dress tore and her knee bled, so that when she staggered to her feet and ran screaming – grief carving out her insides – a vivid red stain soaked into the satin and spread, the petals of a crimson rose.
“Mother,” the burnt boy said behind her.
She did not look back, but glanced once at the windows of a pub as she bolted past. In the glass she saw their reflections, not only the burnt boy but the others as well, one with his head canted too far, neck broken, another beaten so badly his features were ruined.
Moments before she emerged from between two buildings, she realized where she had been going all along. Had she chosen her path or had they driven her here? Did it matter?
Wendy stared at the bank of the Thames, at the deep water rushing by, and all the strength went out of her. Numb and hollow, she shuffled to the riverbank.
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