He sees the change in my demeanor. I can tell by the way he grabs me and pulls me to his chest. I struggle against him as I try to get away. I need to run. I need to hide.
I thought I was over this and had maneuvered through the triggers. I was so sure I had a handle on all of it, but now I know it’s just a lie I told myself to survive.
I push against his chest, trying to break his grip on me, but he holds on tighter. He’s not letting go. If I don’t get away, he’ll see everything.
“Let me go,” I scream. I tug and pull, but he holds me more firmly.
“I’m not going to let you go. I know you feel threatened by Tabitha, but she means nothing to me. I’m with you, and there is no place I would rather be.”
“You can’t mean you have no idea what I’ve been through. Here you are, sitting in the bar, and someone tells you Aaron isn’t yours. You don’t even blink an eye. In your heart, he’s yours.”
I continue to struggle against him, but I’m no match for his strength. I finally collapse into him and let my sobs unfold. The pain is so sharp, I think my heart is hemorrhaging. I’m positive if someone poked my chest with a needle, I would bleed out. My heart is shredding to pieces.
“Alexa, I care about you. In fact, after you tossed Tabitha out on her ass, I’m pretty sure I fell in love with you. What’s going on, sweetheart?” His lips brush the top of my head. He shifts his position and pulls me into his lap. I’m trapped in his vise-like grip.
My sobbing is nearing hysteria. I’m pretty sure if I tell him everything, he’s going to want me to leave. He told Tabitha it would have been unforgivable if she had killed their baby. What would he think about me?
His chest rises and lowers against the side of my face. His shirt is soaked in my tears. I wipe my nose on my sleeve and begin to choke on my sorrow.
“Shh, it’s okay. Whatever it is, it’s going to be all right.” He holds me for what seems like a lifetime. So much time has passed, the sun has set and night is approaching. I feel him move, and before I know it he is carrying me up the back steps.
When we enter the house, he takes me directly to his room and closes the door with a tap of his foot. Softly, my body touches the bed. He pulls my shoes off my feet and lets them hit the ground where he stands. He pulls off my jeans and tucks me under the covers.
“I need to check on Bud, but I’ll be right back. Don’t go anywhere. I mean it, Alexa. If you disappear on me, I will track you down.” He walks to the door and looks back at me.
I bury my face in his pillow and soak the cover with heart-wrenching sobs. Time doesn’t exist in my world right now. Everything is upside down and backward. It feels like he’s been gone a few minutes, but when I glance at the clock, I see it’s been over an hour. I’ve let him down. I’m supposed to be helping in the bar, and I’ve left him and Bud shorthanded.
I hear voices outside the doorway. I don’t want to see anyone right now. I just want to curl up in a ball and disappear. The door creaks open. A stream of light rushes in, nearly blinding me.
“It’s me. I’m sorry it took me so long. I had to help Bud with the rush. He sent up some soup and tea. I told him you weren’t feeling well.”
I lift myself into a sitting position to make room for Zane. He carries the soup-laden tray to the bed and sits it on my lap.
“I’m not really hungry,” I say with a voice I hardly recognize. Crying for hours can wreak havoc on your vocal cords.
“You’re eating, even if I have to feed you myself.” He scoots in next to me and picks up the soup spoon. I watch as he dips it into the broth and lifts it to my mouth. I open just enough to take a bite.
“I can do it,” I say as I pull the utensil from his hand. “We’ve talked about this bossy side of you. It’s all right if you want to try it on for size, but I’m not buying it.” I’m trying to steer the conversation in a different direction, because if we start talking about me, it’s not going to go well.
“You can try to deflect the subject all you want, but we’re getting through this tonight. The faster we get it done, the sooner we can fall asleep in each other’s arms.”
I sip the soup as big crocodile tears roll down my cheeks and fall into the bowl. What if he doesn’t want me in his arms after he learns the truth? He picks the tray up and deposits it on the dresser.
Lying next to each other, he looks in my direction and tells me to start from the beginning.
I feel my panic begin to rise. Bile billows up from my stomach and burns my throat. I say a silent prayer for God to get me through this night. Tomorrow will be a new day. Tomorrow, I’ll venture forward to a new town, a new life.
I take a deep breath before I begin.
“My baby was aborted,” I blurt out. A silent stream of tears pours from my eyes.
“What are you talking about? What baby? Did you choose to abort your child, as opposed to having it? Is that what you’re telling me.” He looks stunned by the information.
“I’m telling you I was pregnant toward the end of my marriage. I’m not even sure how it happened. We had sex on Wednesdays, and that’s it. I took my pills faithfully. I didn’t realize a bout of strep throat and a series of antibiotics would create a window for conception.” I pause a minute, trying to get my thoughts straight.
“It was a decision you made, Alexa. I can’t be angry with you after hearing what a jackass your ex-husband is. I also can’t absolve you of your guilt. I’m not going to judge you for your choice, and by the way, people do get pregnant on Wednesdays.” I smile on the inside at his gracious attempt to console me with humor.
“I heard you tell Tabitha aborting Aaron would have been unforgivable. Why is my sin any less than hers would have been?”
“It’s not. It’s just that I know what I would be missing. When a baby smiles at you for the first time, something happens to the way you think about things. I’ve always been pro-choice. I’m just glad she didn’t abort my son.”
The mention of his son tears me apart. I begin blubbering. In my head I’m making sense, but I’m obviously not saying anything that makes sense to Zane.
“Alexa, you need to stop crying. I can’t understand a word you’re saying.” He takes his thumb and gently wipes the tears from my eyes.
“Tyler killed my child.” The sobs continue.
“What the fuck, Alexa? You just said you aborted your child. What do you mean Tyler killed your child?” I have his attention now. He’s no longer sitting next to me; he’s pacing the room.
“I didn’t abort my child, but I failed to protect him or her. Isn’t that the same?” The truth weighs heavily on my heart. The crushing pain from the weight of honesty is squeezing my chest, wringing the will to live from my body.
He rushes to my side and pulls me against him. I rub my face into his chest. I wish I could crawl inside his body. Anywhere but here would be good, and yet here is exactly where I want to be. With him I can breathe, without him, I perish.
“No, it’s not the same. What did that fucker do to you?”
His anger is palpable. I can feel the energy he’s emitting sizzle through the air.
“I found out I was pregnant a few weeks before we separated. It wasn’t what broke us up. He had already worked everything out. He worked his way into becoming a partner in my dad’s business. He had stayed the required amount of time to walk away a wealthy man.” I move so I can look at him as I speak. I need to see his eyes. “I threw a wrench in the works. I got pregnant. I was thrilled about having a baby. Finally, Tyler was giving me something I wanted. He hadn’t given me anything else in our marriage, but he did give me a child.”
“What happened?” he asks. I can tell he’s eager to get to the bottom of this.
“When I told him I was pregnant, he lost his mind. He was furious. He turned over furniture and tore art off the walls as he made his way to the door. I couldn’t understand how a man could be so angry. I had just told him he’d created a child, and he threw a fit.” I roll off the
side of the bed and walk to the dresser to pick up the tea. My throat feels parched and sore. “He disappeared for several days. I was frantic with worry. At that time, I didn’t know about his lifestyle choice. I had no idea he had a boyfriend who was waiting for him to leave me. He showed up a few days later and found me in bed. I had cried so many tears, my eyes were swollen almost completely shut and my head pounded.”
I toss back the remainder of the tea and return to my place on the bed.
“When he came home, I was relieved. He was so sweet and apologetic. I felt like he had taken the time to think about his child and had come to the realization it was going to be wonderful to parent a little human being. He brought me two Ibuprofen and a glass of water. I thought it was a lovely gesture from a caring husband. I couldn’t have been more wrong.”
He shifts his position and pulls me between his legs. I can no longer see his face, but he gives me the courage to continue with the way he holds me protectively in his embrace. I feel like he’s saying, “I’ve got you.”
“I should have known something was off. He slept in our bed that night and the next night. He stayed by my side for two days. On the third day after he had come back, I began to hemorrhage. I panicked. Tyler took me to the hospital and played the concerned, doting husband. I spent the night in the ER. I was told early the next morning I had miscarried.”
Strong arms tighten around me. This man is treating me with more compassion than my husband of four years could have mustered in any given moment.
“I went home that afternoon and locked myself in my room for days. I was devastated. Had my child lived, he or she would be almost the same age as Aaron.”
“You’re kidding me?” It’s the first thing he’s said since I began my story.
“No, I’m not. That’s why I totally freaked out the day you left me with him. There was no way I wanted the responsibility of another child when I had failed mine so miserably.”
“I’m confused. First I thought you aborted your baby, then you said Tyler murdered your child, and now you’re saying it was a spontaneous miscarriage. I need clarification.”
“I’m getting there,” I tell him. “Two weeks after I lost the baby, he asked for a divorce. Well, it was more like he brought the paperwork home and asked me to sign. I was shocked. That’s when things got really interesting. He started openly flaunting his love for men. He even brought a man home one night and made love to him in our bed. I asked him how he could be so cruel, especially after I had just lost our child. He told me to shut the fuck up and that he never wanted me to mention the baby again. He went on a tirade about how stupid I was to think he would ever allow me to have his kid. I found out through one of his outbursts that what I had thought were aspirin for my headache was, in fact, the RU486—the morning after pill. He double-dosed me to make sure I would lose the baby. So you see, he murdered my child, then took everything else from me.”
He turns me in his lap and looks into my eyes.
“How is any of this your fault? He drugged you. He lied to you, and he took from you. He stole your spirit, your trust, and your self-esteem.” His lips press into mine. I didn’t expect to end our conversation with a kiss, but I’m relieved he didn’t turn around and run.
“I should have known better. I heard the warnings throughout my entire marriage. I told my parents something was wrong, but he’d hypnotized them with his charm and cunning. He stole from my whole family. He stole my family. In the end, he took their livelihood, and they blamed me for marrying him.”
“Isn’t that rich? They basically pushed you down the aisle, and when everything went to shit, they blamed you. I don’t think I like your parents.”
“I don’t like them either, but on some level I can’t fault them. I was caught up in his charm as well.”
“You said you had a civil suit against him. What was that about?”
“I tried to charge him with physical and mental abuse. Unfortunately, there was no drug testing done when I lost the baby. I couldn’t prove he’d actually drugged me, even though he openly admitted it to me. In the end, he got away with murder. It was my word against his.”
“I want to kill him. I can’t believe he got away with all of that. Is he’s still in Los Angeles?”
“Yes, he lives with his pharmacy tech boyfriend in our old house. I left everything. I didn’t have the energy to fight. He had worked everything out so it would fall in his favor. I left with my purse and what cash I had in my bank account. I bought what I needed along the way.”
“I’m so sorry. You’re an amazingly strong woman. I’m so impressed with you. Aaron and I are lucky men to have you in our lives.” He shifts us both so he can get up. “I’m going to run a bath for you. While you relax, I’m going to close up the bar and send Ashley home. She is worried about you.”
“I’m okay. There won’t be another outburst. Everything was triggered when you said you didn’t care whether Aaron was yours or not. All I could think was that my ex-husband killed his own child, and you’ve done everything to save someone else’s.”
Zane kisses me slowly. He draws me a bath and leaves me to my thoughts. I reflect on the evening and how he’d held me and cared for me. He supported me and didn’t pass judgment. If I didn’t love him before, I love him now, but do I deserve him? Once again, he’s freed me from something; tonight, it’s guilt. I’ve been carrying around the heavy weight of this burden in my heart, and he’s erased it with his compassion and love. Is it possible he loves me?
Chapter Fourteen
I wake up with a squirming ball of energy, flapping his arms next to me. Zane is lying on his side, looking at his son and me. His eyes are soft and relaxed.
“Good morning, beautiful. We thought we would see if you wanted to get up and see Grandma with us.” He leans over Aaron and plants a quick kiss on my lips.
“Of course, isn’t it breakfast sandwich day? There’s no way I’m missing that. I also bought your mom a gift, and I want to give it to her.”
“A gift? What did you get her?” He reaches down and plays with the baby’s feet. They look so small compared to his hands.
“I bought a baby sling, and I thought we could give it to her together.”
He looks at me, then looks at the baby between us.
“Aaron…look at how lucky we are,” he says. “We have a smart, sexy and generous woman looking out for us.”
I lie on my back and look up at the ceiling. It seems like yesterday was a lifetime ago.
He picks the baby up and settles him on his chest. We are now both lying on our backs, looking at the ceiling.
“Are you doing okay this morning? I worried about you all night. I was frightened I would wake up and you would be gone. I was afraid to open my eyes.”
“I had every intention of leaving. I thought after you knew the truth; you would want me to go, but you responded differently than I expected you to.” My hand finds his on the bed next to me. I lace my fingers through his.
“I’m doing a poor job of convincing you I’m a good guy. What can I do to make you realize I am totally into you?”
“It’s not you. I’m conditioned not to trust. I’m working through it. What you did for me last night was incredible. You held me for hours; you listened to me, you heard me. I know you’re an amazing man, I’m just not sure if I’ll be enough for you.”
“I’m crazy for you. I can’t get enough of you. I’m praying Aaron falls asleep so I can put him down and make love to you.” I see his bundle of energy has slipped into a peaceful nap. He may just get his wish. “I want you to feel my love, Alexa.” His beautiful lips start to form his irresistible, alpha-man smile. Now I’m in trouble. He places his hands carefully over Aaron’s tiny ears and whispers, “Actually, I think I need to pound it into you so you’ll be completely convinced.”
As I smile at his naughty but delicious comment, a single tear slips from the corner of my eye. He basically just told me he wanted to screw me hard, but there
was something in there that said I’m here for the long haul, and I want you with me. I stand up and gently lift the sleeping form off his chest.
“Looks like you got your wish. Let me put him down so we can get lost in one another for a few minutes, and then we have to head off to your mom’s.”
He lies naked on the bed. His body is like a finely chiseled sculpture. Everything about him is beautiful, from his broad shoulders to his crooked little toes. I pull off my T-shirt; it’s the only thing I’m wearing besides my underwear.
I crawl next to him and snuggle into his side. He rolls away from me and straddles my body. His fingers slip beneath my underwear and shimmy them down. I am completely exposed to him. He’s seen my body before, but now he sees everything. He’s gotten a glimpse of my deepest darkest parts, and he still wants me. I no longer feel vulnerable, but strengthened. Precious.
He nips and kisses every inch of my body. My head rolls back in bliss as he settles his lips in my most intimate area. His warm mouth draws out every moan as my hips dance to his rhythm. He takes me to the edge and holds me there until I’m begging for release. He sucks on my flesh, sending me into a turbulent explosion of sensation. I ride the waves of my release until I feel the weight of the mattress shift.
“I want to make love to you. Just you and me and nothing in-between. Are you okay with that?”
Breathless and speechless, I nod my head to consent. He climbs between my legs and hovers over my body. Although we have a limited amount of time, he takes things slowly, starting with a long, lingering kiss.
His lips tease mine before he captures my mouth with hungry urgency. He devours me like a starving man would eat a meal. The softness of his tongue tangles with mine.
Slowly, he enters me. My heart lurches as he fills me completely. We move together simultaneously, our hips rocking to some primal beat. I hold his arms as he rocks me with his love.
Isn’t it ironic I can meet a man who gives everything, shortly after leaving a man who took so much away?
True North Page 13
